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  • CAS – Friend or foe? (questioning rant)

    A lot of recent posts are encouraging folks to get the CAS involved in their parenting issues. Am I the only parent here who finds that concept frightening?

    My ex was charged with assaulting me a few years ago, and the CAS was called in per police protocol. They visited my home once, had no concerns at that time, and did not open a file. However, the letter I have from the case worker clearly indicates the CAS will find my children in need of protection should they ever be called to investigate a domestic situation with our family again!

    The wording is clear. Not “may” or “might” or “could” deem them in need of protection. It says “will”. Period. No room for argument.

    I have a friend who works in a group home. They had 2 children over the week-end who stayed at this “place of safety” for that very reason -- their mother was unable to prevent them from bearing witness to their father’s abuse. So the CAS deemed her an unfit parent and put her kids in a group home. How can it help someone trying to escape domestic violence when the CAS takes such an adversarial role??

    Does anyone know if it would make a difference if the children were not physically present at the time of the altercation? Not that I want to orchestrate an unsafe situation, but every time I mention his moving out, he blows up. I could ensure the kids are away for the week-end and deal with the fall-out knowing they are secure...

    Those familiar with my posts may recall that after the ex completed some court-ordered counselling, I made a huge error in judgement and attempted an unsuccessful reconciliation. I am now having difficulty getting him to actually move out of the house, which is legally mine (common-law relationship). I’ve tried every imaginable approach to ensure his amicable departure, but he refuses to leave.

    Admittedly, it took me far too long to learn my lesson. But now that I feel strong enough to go it alone and am committed to ending our cohabitation, he’s using the system to control me. He knows I’m afraid to call the authorities out of fear they’ll take my children away. Plus, he has clearly told all of us that he’ll kill himself before going back to jail.

    Things are getting worse almost daily. He is really unbalanced right now and desperate people do desperate things. Things came to a head last week and when it seemed a neighbour had indeed called the police, he swallowed an entire bottle of my prescription meds (to no effect since one cannot OD on that particular drug – but he didn’t know that since it was my Rx). It just demonstrates his state of mind. When things calmed down, he asked to stay the weekend so he could host a garage sale and get some money together. I conceded, even made up some signs for him to hang up, but of course there was no garage sale. And he is still in the house.

    The kids’ have recently begun to parrot some of his insane notions. I am fully aware of the damage being done to their fragile psyches, but he is still their father so it’s really hard to just call the cops and have him removed from our family home, especially since he’s not being physically abusive towards us!! The children already see me as the ogre for forcing poor daddy onto the street with no money, no job and nowhere to go. Somehow he spins everything to be my fault, even his unwillingness to work!

    After the scene last week, my babysitter’s parents had to tell me they no longer felt comfortable having their teenager watch my kids, because of their dad. His behaviour is just too erratic and they don’t want to put their child in what could be a threatening situation. Being a rational parent, I totally see their point. Not even daycare can stop him from taking the kids without a court order! So as much as it sucks for us, were I the sitter’s parent, my call would have likely been the same. And you guessed it, that’s my fault too. Bet you’re all glad you don’t live on my street :-o

    All I really want is to live in peace and put an end to this dysfunctional relationship before it damages the girls any more. I can’t fathom my precious angels believing this is the way marriage is supposed to be! But at the end of the day, I guess I’d rather put up with his BS than risk losing my kids.

    Please, if anyone has a positive story about the CAS being involved resulting from a domestic abuse situation, share your stories! I need some reassurance that my fears are over-blown…

    Thanks for letting me vent! It sure helps to get some unbiased perspective.

  • #2
    If I were you I would call the cas from a payphone and explain anonymously what's going on . Then tell them what an acceptable procedure would be , according to their standards.
    I like your idea to bring children to your parents for a few days, in case he needs to get things together.
    I would also ask for a police escort to get him out and they wil document that the children aren't around--reliable source and he leaves house. Seems like a good remedy.
    I would not tell him to leave unless you had protection and /or witnesses. He's not stable. Be careful and good luck

    Comment


    • #3
      CAS Involvement in some matters can be a nightmare when allegations are unfounded, unproven etc. They investigate and close the case. However they never really close the case if they become subsequently involved.

      If abuse is occurring every person has an obligation to report to the CAS.

      lv

      Comment


      • #4
        Maybe Kelly365's post gives sheds a different light and gives you some perspective LV... Not sure how your reply was meant to assist. I need folks to tell me something I don't already know.

        Thanks for your thoughts, GKTT. I'd also thought of asking a beat cop on the sidewalk whether their automatic reporting protocol extends to domestic calls where children reside in the home but are not present during the incident nor immediate aftermath.

        I've been fighting to keep my house, but am getting to the point that I might sell it and move just so he can't keep procrastinating about leaving himself.

        Again, my thanks for this great site!

        Comment


        • #5
          If you consider selling I would say go for it. I believe you said it is a common law situation but you may have to pay spousal if he doesn't work etc. but, at this point you have to figure out if you want peace of mind or let this nonsense continue. I'm sure that by him staying there is his way of control over you. I would say cut you losses, use your money to buy another place and get him out of your life.
          It must be so tough knowing that you want to do the right thing i.e not having children present, yet the very place you need to call for info. have the power to take the children ...so scary. cut your losses and move on. whadda' ya think?

          Comment


          • #6
            From my own personal experience with CAS, I would definitely say "friend". I found my case worker extremely supportive, compassionate and helpful, including giving me info on outside agencies that could help. They also took a "position" on custody & access of the children and this was taken very seriously with the Judge in Family Court. My file was opened for approx 4 months. Once the custody & access were decided by the courts, they closed my file. My case worker still calls occasionally just to ask how we are all doing.

            I have walked in your shoes, my advice to you is GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT, it will only get worse. Take the kids and get to a safe place and reach out for help ASAP. Then file a motion with the courts for sole possession of the home.

            In all honesty CAS probably saved my live.

            And BTW, don't be so hard on yourself, it often takes a women many attempts to get out from the grips of a abusive spouse.

            You and your children are in my prayers.

            Comment


            • #7
              hellllllllllllo Grace

              hi grace, how r u doing? I take it that your advice is "get out" I know it's a serious topic but I wanted to say hello to you in my warped way. hope things r great for you.
              I think your advice is right on but ....do you think that if she leaves the house the common-law could turn the tables somehow, saying she abandoned the house or something to this effect. I know she owns it, but we both know how crazy the court's rulings can be sometimes. Just food for thought.
              Have a great night

              Comment


              • #8
                Hey Gktt

                Yes, I hope and prays she "gets out". Hers & the childrens safety is more important than worrying about who gets the house. I do not know too much about common-law law, to comment on the legal aspects. Perhaps one of the members with more legal knowledge will jump in.

                As for me, btw thanks for asking, just when I thought my litigation was over, I'm right back in the Krazy Court System, with a contempt motion that is scheduled to be heard next week. Although I am still looking forward to our trip.

                Hope all is well with you, keep in touch,
                Grace

                Comment


                • #9
                  CAS involvement can be a double edged sword and it's important to remember that whichever incarnation it might take in Canada (CAS in Ontario, Social Services in Alberta, etc) it is a far from perfect entity. The reasons for this range from high caseloads and burnout among CAS staff to skepticism about the motives of a parent in a divorce dispute. Even the BC version of CAS has come under major criticism and review for it's mishandling of a couple of cases in recent years. My own experience is that CAS is often somewhat of a secret society where the kind of treatment you receive (or whether you are even credible) depends largely on the case worker you might come into contact with.

                  I have seen cases where CAS removes a good parent based on an unfounded allegation and I've seen cases where CAS doesn't do a darned thing when a parent contacts them. I regularly work with parents where there is a supervision order in place and where CAS caseworkers work closely with one parent and keep the other parent out of the information loop. When the parent kept out of the loop begins to make inquiries, he/she is told that they are being problematic for CAS. There is also a great sense among people that I've worked with that "we don't want to piss off CAS".

                  Personally, I would like to see CAS and it's other counterparts under greater public scrutiny because my experience working with clients who had CAS files is can be summed up in one word: inconsistent.
                  Last edited by Divorcemanagement; 07-13-2006, 08:27 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thanks grace, gktt, sean. I hear you loud and clear. The tales I've heard of CAS are quite in tune w/Sean's comment -- unpredictable, inconsistent, depandant upon the view of the caseworker... kinda like judges

                    On a side note, he may have dug his own grave with no action on my part! Looks like he's going to be charged with fraud for stealing my bank card and using it to withdraw money while the kids and I slept. Even though it's a joint account, his card has been cancelled and he was not authorized to use mine, so the bank says that's fraud.

                    Here's the story:
                    I went to the bank machine at lunch today and got an error message that I've exceeded my daily cash withdrawal limit. Went to the teller in panic mode since I've not withdrawn anything since the w/e. Pay day is today and I had to wait for the deposit, simple as that.

                    The acct shows a $360 withdrawal made using MY card in the wee hours of the morning at a convenience store ATM. So either someone skimmed my card and used the copy, or he stole my card from my wallet. The bank gave me a new card, complete with a new PIN (which also cancels any potential skimmed cards FYI, I had no clue how that worked). They also told me the process to launch a fraud investigation.

                    Got back to work and called him to advise of the situation. Directly asked if he'd taken my card this morning before the kids and I awoke. He refused to answer, instead complaining that I never help him!! Even when I relayed that the bank's about to begin an investigation for potential fraud. Told him "if you don't tell me it was you, I have to assume the card was copied and the bank will reimburse me after they confirm it wasn't an authorized transaction". Silence. Click. He hung up.

                    So now the bank is investigating. Even if I never see the money again, it's worthwhile to have more documentation of his irresponsible behaviour. In a good world it scarred him enough that when I get home tonight with the kids, he'll be gone... but given the history, I doubt it will be that simple.

                    Back on the CAS side of things, the 2003 report entitled The Characteristics of Abused Women in the Caseload of a Child Protection Service sheds light as to the general perceptions among child protection workers that I'm up against:
                    "The higher proportion of children admitted to CAS care from women abusive families suggests that under these stressful conditions, parenting behaviour may be less than optimal, and parents themselves may need to respond to external demands more than to the needs of their children. Multiple stressors are related to parenting, of which woman abuse is a critical one. This study shows that economic, mental, physical challenges, and a history of childhood abuse and neglect are additional stressors that are likely to influence parenting and in turn, the decision made by child protection workers to seek protection for the referred child. The greater provision of services to women in abusive families, as indicated by the higher numbers of their children admitted to CAS care, and the fact that these families are currently receiving service from outside agencies at the time of the current CAS referral is a reflection of the high risk experienced by these families and the need to address this programmatically."

                    Did I mention I'm in Durham -- CBC aired Finding Normal on May 15 about J, a boy who suffered immensely in the care of Durham CAS. And the horrifying Blackstock caged-children case also involved the Durham CAS. These stories don't give me much solace...

                    Thanks for everyone's positive thoughts, they go a long way in my soul.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Seems we are neighbours. I too live in the Durham region. My CAS file is with the Agency located at Rosland & Stephenson. I too followed the horrific story from Blackstock. In my situation I still stand by the Durham CAS. Their support has been invaluable to me. In fact I wrote an article on their recent anniversary date, on how they help families, such as mine. I will be forever grateful to them for giving me the guidance in helping myself & my children.

                      I hope for you that you will be able to reach out and get the assistance that you need.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thanks again Grace. I may have read your words in This Week!

                        I can't seem to pm you (or anyone else -- I'm a newby at these forums) Was going to ask what lawfirm you use etc., Not sure of the CAS boundaries, but I think midtown mall location may serve us. If you have any local resources you're willing to share (esp. names of trusted and understanding individuals) I'm listening. Maybe you can pm me? I can't take much more!!

                        Wasn't even able to discuss the bank stuff last night. But it didn't scare him off

                        Instead, as I approached home I witnessed our neighbours' dog get hit by a car and spent the night dealing with the aftermath. My front door is broken thanks to the ex, and he hadn't closed it properly. The neighbour's dog had escaped without them knowing. When my dog saw him, he ran out and the two dogs started playfully chasing each other down the street. End result, my dog is ok cuz we saw him escape and immediately reacted, but the other one didn't survive the accident. I watched their son while they took the dog to the vet, but nothing could be done.

                        Hope everyone has a good w/e... gotta run now for that magic 6pm daycare p/u!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Absolutely I will do my best to help you out and anyone else that is a victim of domestic abuse. You need a support system and if I can be part of that then I would be more than happy to share my experiences and resources, or at the very least be an ear just to listen. I had a great support system in place after my ex left. Its time for me to "pay it forward". It's by talking about it and getting it out in the open and educating people that one day, hopefully there will be an end to it.

                          Always remember that your stronger than you think.

                          And btw, sorry to hear about the dog.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Grace


                            It's scary how the agencies that you need to speak to and get advice are the very ones who can take your children at their discretion; and you have to earn the right to have them back. I've heard my stories of alarm in regards to the cas so be very cautious. can you change the locks? pay him off? anyhting---you're a strong woman to deal with this insanity in your house day in and day out.
                            The court statutes and act need to be changed to reflect abusive situations.

                            Grace, what do you mean you're heading back home(courthouse) again? GET...OUT...OF....HERE!!!! YOURS IS BECOMING LIKE MINE. NOW YOU SEE WHAT i MEANT IN THE PAST THAT IT'S ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER AFTER ANOTHER............Definition of insanity:doing the same thing over and expecting different results.
                            R u packed for our cruise? We just need to take a HUGE suitcase--empty of course, for all the loot we're going to charge to you know who --remember ha ha ha

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              GKTT, at that point in my life and I'm talking 4 years ago, I was grateful that CAS stepped in and took charge of the situation and gave me the advice and tools I needed. Yes they had the right at that time to remove the children, which they did but allowed the children to stay with family and not a group home or foster care. They were worried about the children safety staying in the home and rightfully so. And wholeheartly worked with me and my ex in resolving the children's care. Was I a strong woman at that point, ABSOLUTELY NOT, but CAS worked with me in helping me find the support and resources to make me the strong women that I am today. I truly am indebted to them. I proudly wear their Purple heart ribbon every October.

                              And yes GKTT, I hear you about the court system, my file is right back in there, without me though this time, I have decided to withdraw myself emotionally & physically from the court battle and let the lawyer's handle it. I know some of you would not agree. But I just want to move on with my life and leave the lawyers to deal with the rest. I only sign the affidavit prepared by my lawyers from what they know from my ex, I no longer participate in the correspondence between the lawyers. I have instructed my lawyers not to send them to me. So if the ex wants to keep litigating, he can, but I am out of the insanity. Don't want to know, don't care. If that makes me a difficult client or a dream client my lawyers can decide.

                              Yes, I'm ready and have the empty suitcases for the cruise, of course I remember who is paying for it.

                              Comment

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