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It was a nice week with my kids, wish it wouldn't end

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  • It was a nice week with my kids, wish it wouldn't end

    I went to my Case Conference on February 22, 2006, even though we didn’t go in front of a judge my Lawyer and my ex’s Lawyer managed to get a court order signed asking for further disclosure, Questioning and information from my employer. I agreed to all of the above. My question is, it has been over one month and no moment as of yet? I went to my Lawyer, she got me to sign a revised statement adding a condo that I had before I got married and sold during the marriage. She feels I can exclude the equity I had in it since I owned it before I got married. I’m sure my ex won’t like that, since were talking about another 60,000.00.
    I further asked my Lawyer about the Questioning, her reply was that it’s up to your wife’s Lawyer to arrange the date; it’s to your benefit if it goes on and on. It has been over a year now, we have not settled on anything, I have given her no money other than child support, I still have not started giving her spousal support or for that matter any equalization payment. When I suggested it to my lawyer she told me why would you want to fund her legal fees. She will eventually get what she’s entitled to with interest.
    I guess she trying to put her in a position where she will have to take my offer or live they way she’s been living. Barely making ends meet. Mind you that’s they way I’ll be living at the end of all this.
    I do see my children every other weekend and one day during the week. I have been fortunate enough to have them for the last week since I have been on holidays; it’s going to be painful to return them today after school. They don’t want to leave me, all they say is a Love you daddy.

  • #2
    May I ask why the weekend schedule?

    My court/legal hell has been going on for 3 years and no end in sight. Good luck.

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm 4 years with no end in sight.

      FBI, the legal system moves at a snails pace. Are you on speaking terms with your ex? Anyway, you could attempt to spare your family, both the emotional & financial costs of this litigation? Have you tried mediation yet?

      Comment


      • #4
        Decent dad and Grace thank you for you input. I have been reading some of your posts and can fully understand what you’re both going through. It has been a living hell for me also for the last twelve months. She served me 5 months after she walked out on me taking the kids. I tried everything to keep them with me but she refused to allow me to have them more than a few days. I went though hell getting them for the last 7 days. I wrote her and her Lawyer a letter outlining that since I’m on holidays I expect to see my children for the duration. She wrote me back saying she feels the children haven’t been away from their mom for such a long period of time, and this might harm them. I wrote her back telling her I don’t accept her excuse and want my children. She agreed to an extra day. All take all I can. I will be fighting her all the way for Joint custody if not sole custody. This is what she wants Sole custody. How can a person want total control over their children, they belong to both of us. The sole custody term should be taking right off the law books.
        Grace as for me and my ex being on speaking terms, absolutely not, she wants to destroy me, I have mentioned mediation, she will not go for it, she doesn’t trust me.
        I do know that her lawyer is going to want some cash eventually, this is I have the upper hand, I still hold all the funds and spending it freely. Who knows by the time all is said and done there might be no cash left to be divided. I’ll have to pay her back in the next 20 years or so. Lets say $100.00 a week. She should of taking my first offer it was in the high six figures, now she will have to wait and so will her lawyer.

        Comment


        • #5
          I do know that her lawyer is going to want some cash eventually, this is I have the upper hand, I still hold all the funds and spending it freely. Who knows by the time all is said and done there might be no cash left to be divided. I’ll have to pay her back in the next 20 years or so. Lets say $100.00 a week. She should of taking my first offer it was in the high six figures, now she will have to wait and so will her lawyer.


          You do realize that the assets and money are split at valuation date ( separation date) and by spending money you will owe her doesn't really help you? I highly doubt the courts will let you pay that money you spent at your leisure - like over 20 yrs. I think you are being reckless by spending "freely" You might be in for a shock if you have to pay a whack all up front once your delaying tactics run out.

          Comment


          • #6
            Jenny, I'm fully aware taht the equaliztion is based on the valuation date. However, if one spouse is being un-reasonable, than so be it. I have tried on several occasions to settle, she refuses. My expenses are high, I'm still in the home where she has been living is sub sidized housing. Money as you know runs out. The court can order me to pay, but If you don't have it there's not much he can do other than give you time to pay. I hope it doesnot go that far but both people have to be reasonable.

            Comment


            • #7
              FBI, Try and put your emotional anger aside and think about how your children must feel. Careful about using delay tatics or spending her portion of an equilization payment (it will show up in your Financial & Net Property Statement), this would not impress a Judge.

              I found this article of Children of Divorce:

              Children Do NOT Just "Get Over It"

              Many of us used to assume, and some still do, that children will 'get over' their parents' divorce after an initial period of adjustment . The Timberlawn study, as well as landmark studies by Judith Wallerstein and others, found that divorce not only hurts both parents and children, but that children suffer long term consequences including emotional difficulties, poor school or job performance, and difficulty achieving intimacy in their own relationships as adults. Wallerstein reports that one third of the children experienced moderate to severe depression five years after the divorce. Fifteen years after the divorce, many of those children were still experiencing the consequences of their parent's break-up as they began love relationships and marriages of their own. Every child in her study feared repeating a failure to maintain a loving relationship in adulthood, all feared betrayal and rejection, and all remained very vulnerable to loss.

              Continual Battles Worse than Divorce

              What these and other studies have also found is, that while divorce hurts children, living with parents who continually wage embittered battles is even worse. Research shows that the children who suffer most are those whose parents divorce, and then carry on the battle for years through legal challenges, arguments, or refusal to cooperate with orders regarding visitation, custody, and child support. As Wallerstein points out, the courts have often believed that awarding joint custody would force parents to put aside their anger and cooperate for the sake of the children. However, often, the opposite occurs. The children become the either the weapons or the trophies in their parents power struggle, or the unintended victims of their rage. Moreover, the chaos and emotional (and sometimes financial) strain that the divorce process puts on parents often makes it difficult for them to provide the security and availability for their children, further leaving the child's emotional and physical needs unmet.

              Comment


              • #8
                Grace I agree with what you said about the studies. I find my own children are torn between me and my ex. They want to spend time with me and tell me so. My daughter told me yesterday that she had mentioned to some of her friends in school that she is spending the week with me, her friends replied by saying "I wish i could see my dad more often but mom won't let us.' This is why I have so much anger inside of me. I know my children are suffering and I will help them through this as best I can. fortunately I come from a fairly wealthy family and they will assist me till the end.
                As for delay tatics I haven't used any as of yet, I wanted to settle this from the first day she walked out, I had aranged a four way meeting three weeks after she left, We got no where. Sorry we made the Lawyer 5000.00.
                Today I still think the same I just want to pay her off and move on, But she wants the world. Again Soul Custody, High in the six figures, Spousal Support, and so on. The only think she didn't ask for is my next born. This is why I will fight her till the end. I will never give her Soul custody. It might cost me a bundle which burns me allot, but what other choice do I have with a women that won't back off. Delay is something her Lawyer is doing, why I don't know, As a mentioned before they have a court order for questioning me, they still as of yet doen nothing about it. It's been over a month. I hope I don't sound to mean. I do want to get this over with.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Grace:

                  Well written - cheers. I believe in every word. As most of you know I'm here about a friend and that my ex and I split up years ago with Joint Custody, mind you I also had to give up child support, okay history here, if I had gone after child support he would have gone after spousal, because he works under the table I could not prove his income, I would have had no choice but to pay him.... well that was not going to happen, so I gave up the child support. Best thing I ever did trust me.... and if I was giving up child support, trust me I was going to make sure he paid in other way. I made sure he STAYED involved with the kids, he had them every other weekend and every Tuesday and Wednesday nights. He drives our daughter where - ever her royal highness.. ha ha ha.. needs to go, he is a excellent dad. Mind you on the other hand something it is still sometimes a struggle, being 17 and 15 respectively, is enough to drive you up the flippen wall, man, I have never heard so much moaning "there's nothing to do" I'll give you something to do .... go clean your room... DO I SOUND like my mother.... ha ha ha

                  hey... bottom line and something EVERYONE should think about.

                  I loved him enough at one time to .... want... (oh shudder the thought.. ha ha ha)... to spend my life with him, have his children (obviously I saw something.... somewhere..) I don't know I for one agree with joint custody, I don't think ONE parent, should have that much control over anyone. Children need to grow up with love and respect and how can you expect them to treat anyone, even a stranger on the street if they don't learn respect from each parent.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    FPI,

                    Do you have a custody order? If not, why not just keep the kids when you have them. She is pushing you around and setting you up to lose access and custody. Act now. How long has the current schedule been going? How old are the children? You may want an interim order for joint custody and 50-50 access.

                    Your stbx's excuse about "oh... the children have never been from me for that long" is pure BS. You are heading into a lot of trouble here.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      lawyers

                      As I sit back and read all these posts.Who is really gainning out of all this battle.Our children , us , no the lawyer.As qouted never let lawyers get envolved in politics because they will change all laws to reflect to there best interest.I currantly live in poverty,Yes I have a good payiing job,and I pay full support for 4 children and my ex is a full time RN and I have my children and have proven to the system for three long years that the children were with me in excess of 40%.But time and time again the wonderfull system our courts and lawyers have formed is only in the best interest of the lawyer and how much of your assets he or she can consume.Really take a look at what you had and what was really cash.Were do lawyers fully hit you is on the cash,when you run out they will not represent you.Or they ask for $10,000.00 plus down.Remember judges are appointed they are lawyers and have lived off the system very well.Show me one starving lawyer.I"m not bashing all lawyers only the ones that drag this out for three or four years with no end in site.Thanks Steve

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I don't know Stephen- My lawyer is great- helped keep my costs down. Stressed mediation and Collaborative Family Law, Also stressed that the more we did on our own the better it would be for the both of us in terms of cost and emotionally. She helped us find some really creative ways to settle things.

                        You look at the education it takes to become a lawyer( never mind all the articling etc) and I would expect them to earn a decent living. Sure there will be some that like to jack up their fees but not all fall under this catagory.

                        FPI - I assume if you've spent her money and have none to give her you would be expected to liquidate your assets( house, car , rrsps etc) and I would imagine that there are ways for her with a judgement against you and possibly garnish your wages. And there is always the possibility of her being awarded costs against you( end up paying a big chunk of her legal fees in addition to yours) Be careful or this could bite you in the rear.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Decent Dad,

                          I do not have a custody order. My Lawyer has not even brought it up. When I served her with a response I did mention that I want joint custody with 50/50 access. Nothing been done as of yet. As for keeping them when I have them I would like to but unfortunately I work afternoons and it would be very difficult. I am trying to be placed on days soon.
                          The current schedule has been going on for just over a year, not by my choice she refuses to give me the kids other than every other weekend and one day during the week.
                          My kids are 5 and 9, My daughter as told me several times she thinks it’s not fair that mom sees her more than I do, and she would like to spend her time equally between the to of us. I will be bringing this up with my Lawyer on my next visit.
                          I do know that status quo and defacto as most likely set in. But I do believe that my children one day will have a say, and that they will come and live with me. I have many friends that now have their kids with them; the kids left their moms and now are living with their dads. Kids do grow up, and if you support them they will come to realize what they mean to you.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Jenny,

                            No I have not spent her money, she came into the marriage without anything and she will be going out with more money than some people make all their lives.
                            I have kept most of my hard earned cash in a safe place.
                            Yes she can liquidate most of my assets but that could cost her money she doesn’t have. As for her getting a judgement against me, she could properly do that, but keep in mind I have made her several written offers to settle in amounts larger than what I should be giving her. She just doesn’t trust me. I will be telling her soon that ever dollar a spent on Lawyers fighting her will be deducted from her equalization. The only
                            Reason I offered her more than what she is entitled to is because I figured the money I have to pay the Lawyers I would give to my kids. She just doesn’t get it.
                            It’s strange how thinks turn out, we meet fall in love get married have two wonderful children, and than bang hell breaks loose and we fight till the end. I wish thinks could be easier. This has mentally and physically and financially worn me out, and I’m just at the beginning

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              FPI,

                              Everybody works. Even intact marriages have both people working... and guess what? They have kids. I understand your schedule is difficult - but honestly you are presenting a mixed message: I want the kids - but I don't want them?

                              Many people have told me that when kids grow older (12-18) they will come live with the Dad. It does happen, but not always, and by then the kids are messed up. I do not agree with that arguement as a means not to fight. It is a crutch. To me, when the kids are young, that is a lot of lost time. Time that does not come back. First talk. First walks. Naps. Bedtimes. Baths. Play. Lessons. Camping and more. That will never come back.

                              I do agree, though, with this: That when children become adults (20+), they will see you for what you are, and see your stbx for what she is. And you are an adult far longer than you are a child. She can't control them forever. You will be the better person in their eyes and they will naturally want to be with you in adulthood.

                              Comment

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