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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1  
Old 03-03-2010, 10:50 AM
Cobourg Cobourg is offline
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Default Dealing With New Relationships

My Exwife and I have been separated just over a year now.
Her choice. Should not have been a surprise in hindsight.
I was re-introduced to a terrific woman that I had known very causually through other friends, a few months after the separation.
She has been separated for about 3 years and most of the issues involving her and her ex have been sorted.
She has a great job, owns her own home and 3 terrific kids (I have two still at home)

My ex has been unmoving in her willingness to allow me to have a relationship with my children. Other than EOW and one dinner a week, that is all I get. Prior to separation I was very active in their lives.
I brought a motion for an Access Assessment and it came back that I should have more access. Not as much as I wanted but more. Because it came back with more access, she has started a campaign with the CAS. Two complaints in two weeks after the accessment became available. Both unfounded but both needing followup and documentation from social workers.

There have been issues around the selling of our matrimonial home, that I currently still reside in and have been paying for.

For the last 9 months I have been providing 70% of my net pay for CS and SS.

I have many posts on all these issues.

With that as a backdrop, my girlfriend says to me last night that she is feeling "like the other woman" and she does not get enough of my time.

I am trying to deal with an ex who is trying to ruin me financially, emotionally and any other way she can.
I am trying to help my children through this difficult time.

What can I say to my girlfriend to help her understand that she is not "the other woman" and she is so important to me that I am prepared to walk away from my home and a good chunk of my financial future for her?

Since meeting her she has been so giving of herself to me and my kids. I really don't think I could have made it through the last 6 months without her.

However, I have apparently "changed". I am not the same person I was during the first 4 months of our relationship.

Don't quite know what to say to that.
Any thoughts?

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent today.
  #2  
Old 03-03-2010, 01:33 PM
Boomstrike Boomstrike is offline
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Quote:
she is so important to me that I am prepared to walk away from my home and a good chunk of my financial future for her?
It sounds like your more worried about having this "new relationship" work than fighting for your right as a father to be able to see your children. You might have a dose of "puppy love".

Has she told you that you have changed. If so, watch out. She is already trying to turn you into someone your not. Why did she separate from her previous relationship. Too controlling maybe??

Starting a new relationship only being separated for a year will set any STBX off on a rampage and make your suffer through the kids.

If I were you I would ditch the new GF and tell her you need to concentrate on getting equal visitation with your present children. She should understand your situation from going through a separation before you.

Correct me if I am wrong. Did you start seeing her six months after your separation? Starting new relationships too quickly can harm the children. They might think of you as abandoning them. Thread lightly with this scenario.
  #3  
Old 03-03-2010, 02:46 PM
dinkyface dinkyface is offline
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Sorry for point form terseness, but some comments
- you need to get more details on how she feels you have changed - specifically what is she upset/worried about?
- she may still not be understanding the extent of fear and pain this conflict is causing you, and is getting impatient for you to move on with your life with her
- she may be having difficuly with the fact that there is no set timeline for your kids issues to be resolved, and reality is the ugliness can continue at a high level for a LONG time.
- she needs to understand that she is #2 and your kids are #1 (hard to explain that one if she does not already understand)

(I am also the new partner, so my comments are based on my own experiences)
  #4  
Old 03-03-2010, 06:16 PM
Mess Mess is offline
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Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
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I would say that she is first of all asking for more of your time/attention, and whatever the reason, you have to decide if you want to spend more time and attention on her, or if she asking too much of you.

Secondly, she is feeling like the "other woman" because your ex has been at the forefront of your mind. This is like taking home work from the office. Compartmentalize the issues with your ex, find a certain time of the day to think about them and make decisions on them and take action on them. Then set them aside and forget about them. I know it's hard (hell, I KNOW it's HARD) but your new gf deserves your 100% undistracted attention when you are with her. This is the subtext of what she's saying.

If that doesn't work, say good bye and give her my number.
  #5  
Old 03-07-2010, 11:49 AM
PundaSmith PundaSmith is offline
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Default Take Your Time ... Proceed Carefully ....Have Fun

Dear OP,

Welcome to the divorce club. Almost all of us here have been where you are in one way or the other, along this never-ending journey. So rest assured that you are in the right place.

Dating a year into your divorce can be a bit tricky because of all the emotional energy it draws, in particular when you are dealing with an apparently difficult ex (who might likely misinterpret your relationship with your new GF), as well as restricted access to your kids, as well as the effect (in terms of . What you may want to realize is that your GF and you are in different stages of the divorce process. She would need you more as she goes through her recovery. On on the other hand, you need to also conserve your emotional energy into dealing with your challenges.

Frankly , I would advice you to be cautious with this process: you might not be ready for a deeply committed or emotional relationship as you thought you were; she needs to understand (or you need to explain to her) that you need time to heal so you can be a better / whole partner to her. Unless this takes place, you would only be able to offer a partial support to her and to yourself. You would not feel deeply involved.

Above all, your kids need you. Prioritize them, at this time, over other relations, and you would find joy in that ....

all the best - you can IM if you need some further input or self-help resources, books, etc.

rgs, Punda
  #6  
Old 03-07-2010, 11:53 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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is there a chance the new GF is looking for a way out of the relationship and this is her way of doing it?
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