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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 03-02-2006, 07:47 AM
TEC TEC is offline
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Default Separation proposal

I am wondering if anyone can give my some pointers on things to watch out for after reading this separation proposal.
Situation: I am living in the US with my wife and 2 girls 8 and 6. She wants a divorce and has found a new man down here but still lives in our home, going out all the time to be with him. We are moving back to our home in Canada in mid to late april this year and she is initiating a separation.

The plan:
She wants us all to live in our Canada home together and support each other while we get on our feet and established again.
All the while she is going to be trying every angle to get back into the US to work and live so she can be with her new man. This could take up to 2 years if she is even allowed to go back to the US.
If she is successful in returning to the US she wants to move down on her own, find work, buy a house, get established then wants me to send the girls down to live with her.
She doesn't want spousal support as she is her own woman, she doesn't want our home because it was my dream, only her share when I can manage it. The girls will be enrolled in a local french emmersion school when we get back to Canada so they could possibly have 2 years in that school and then I am supposed to hand them over to her in the US and I would only be able to see them once a year given my situation. I want joint custody when we return home and she is ok with that but seems to me a little leery about it.
Does anyone think she would be successful in getting custody of our kids in the US after them being in an established routine for 2 years?
Is there anything else I should be on the lookout for?
Any tips or advice would be appreciated
TEC
  #2  
Old 03-02-2006, 07:57 AM
jlalex jlalex is offline
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Okay well I'm no lawyer but I think that the plan of moving them 2 years after they are settled and established back in Canada wouldn't fly with a court. From my understanding courts do not like to uproot children any more than is necessary. And coupled with the fact that it would for all intents a purposes end your relationship with your kids it just won't fly.

Personally it sounds to me as if she wants her cake and to eat it too, but when you end a marriage and have children the focus is supposed to be on the childrens best interest, and taking them away from their Dad so she can pursue her love life just isn't a good enough reason.

This must be very difficult for you, I can't imagine remaining in the household knowing your spouse is going out on dates with another person. I'm not saying you should make if horribly difficult..no one wins in that situation especially the kids. But I don't think you should just roll over like she is asking. These are your girls too, and they deserve to have you in their lives every day if possible. Its not their fault their parents marriage didn't work out so they should have to suffer as little as possible with both parents doing every they can.

Good luck to you!
  #3  
Old 03-02-2006, 08:49 AM
TEC TEC is offline
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Default Re separation proposal

It is very hard on me given my situation. I feel like I am her babysitter when she goes out to him but I get one on one time with the girls so I enjoy at least that part of it. Her version of why the kids need to be with her is, they have always been with her while I did nothing with them. She doesn't see the part were I worked long hours all week mostly night shift so during the week I had an hour before leaving for work, home at 4:00 am etc. Weekends she worked and I took care of the kids, at that time they were still in diapers etc. So time together as a family was hard with my work schedule and her working weekends, when did we have time to do things. I know this isn't an excuse and more effort should have been made towards family outings but the bills still have to be paid. But somehow this marrige failure is 100% my fault. She has done no wrong what so ever. Personally I think menopause is starting for her. She is 40 and I am not sure when it starts or if it could be the cause of some of the behavior. Either that or its a midlife crisis thing or yes it is completely my fault in which case I have no one to blame but myself but I still feel it takes 2 people to make a marrige and 2 people to break it.
I am moving back to Canada next week to start work so she will loose her babysitting service and I won't be able to return until its time to move everyone back home 6-8 weeks. I can't imagine what will go on while I am in Canada
TEC
  #4  
Old 03-02-2006, 11:14 AM
jlalex jlalex is offline
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TEC I really feel for you. I don't know anything about your paticular situation except what you've shared, but it sounds to me like she's blaming you so she can have a free pass for her behaviour. Its sad that we've turned into a society of "he started it"..maybe one day people can just be responsible for their own behaviours and stop trying to blame others and justify themselves because someone else did something. Unfortunately the days of personal responsibility are not here..maybe someday.

Regardless you have a whole other situation to deal with in regards to your children. If you can manage for your family to make it back to Canada and get established I would wait and then file for custody..whether it be joint custody or sole is entirely up to you. And as hard as it is don't let your anger and frustration at what a lousy wife she is colour your decision in regards to custody..she may suck at being a wife but that doesn't mean she can't be a good mother. Though at this time she doesn't seem to be able to put her childrens needs ahead of her own.

good luck to you.
  #5  
Old 03-03-2006, 09:45 AM
TEC TEC is offline
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Default Separation plan cont.

I am extremely upset with her but I am trying to remain as civil as I possibly can. I know she is a good mother and person and I would never keep the kids from her if she was to remain in Canada near me but I must draw the line when it comes to moving them down here just because she can't keep her hormones in check. She likes to sing country music songs and lately she has been singing songs that pertain to divorce, separation, etc etc. Also what used to be "our bed" "our camera" is now my bed, my camera etc. I am very worried about what is going to go on while I am back working in Canada until its time for me to go back down and move everyone home.
What if she gets pregnant with this other guys kid, what would happen then? I hope she hasn't been considering that angle to stay in the US. I pray she will keep this guy out of our home down here for the girls sake. So many things are running through my mind right now I find it difficult to function. Maybe once I get home away from the situation I will be able to come to terms and start feeling like a person of value again because right now I feel so useless, worthless, and not in control of my life or whats left of it.
TEC
  #6  
Old 03-03-2006, 12:48 PM
Dave13 Dave13 is offline
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TEC;

I would suggest getting your custody rights also established in the US. I am the reverse of you in some cases. My exfiance has my daughter in Canada. I am working on getting joint custody in Canada but since you are currently in the US and she wants to take your daughters back into the US once she can and live with her new man you will be in a bit of a pickle. She may be able to claim that since your tights to your daughter are only ordered by a Canadian court she does not have to follow them once she is in the US and so are they. I would think that you should be covered in both ends and try yo make sure she does not pull that on you.

Sincerely;

Dave13
  #7  
Old 03-23-2006, 12:10 AM
TEC TEC is offline
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Default Re seperation proposal

Well I am back in Canada now working for my new employer. It feels great to be back here even though it is very expensive. ( hense life as a canadian) My wife said that when I remove myself from the situation I was in with her down in Georgia with "the other man " it would be easier, bullshit I say, the only easier part is it isn't happening in front of my face! It still hurts, my wondering whats going on now that I am not there to see whats going on. Its a double edged sword. Hurts to know whats going on while you are present, hurts to not know whats going on while you are not there...
We are still on to all move back to canada when the house sells down there but the longer it takes the more time she has to develope her relationship woth this other A-hole. Everyone tells me to focus on my children which I am trying to do very much but my feelings still trip me up every time.
Some days I am on top of the world, and then I intersept an emial from her to to a friend or see an expenditure on our bank statement and it brings me crashing right down again.
I probably have 7 more weeks to wait before I can ove us all back home together and I am not sure if I can keep it together for that long.
I know that I am whining, and I know there are people on this forum that are going through things that are most likely a lot worse that are happening to me but, if you are reading this then we must have something in common.
Please resond with some opinions, it is comforting at least to hear whatever anyone has to add, good or bad....
TEC
  #8  
Old 03-23-2006, 06:51 AM
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hubby hubby is offline
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TEC,

Welcome back.

You've taken several steps towards healing. Your removed yourself from the 'source' of pain (wife) and have a new job to concentrate on ... men are just so action/process oriented ... this new job and the challenges it may bring, may be just what you need.

I'm in a new city at the moment. It gives one a sense of being adventurous. Ya know, new people, buildings, geography ... itls like being a kid all over again ... mystery and adventure as I try to uncover what this new city has to offer. I would suggest you take the time to change your 'mindset' and focus on a little adventurism in you new city.

Especially try to meet new people and to forge new friendships eventually.

As I said before ... affairs normally have a lifespan of their own, they eventually fizzle out. Think about it, she will not have any 'contact' with this guy for at least two years (possibly off/on) but when one stops watering a plant, it eventually ... dies. An affair temporarily blinds some people, one day she may wake to see what she has done and come to regret it. Infactuation eventually leads to routine which leads to bordom ... then what will she have? She will possible have a family that has moved on OR she may realize her mistake and try to reintergrate with the family.

Remember, you control your emotions and choices and she likewise. This is your gifts from above ... Emotions can be destructive or constructive if let to run their entire course. When you notice a destructive emotion (fear, hate, revenge...) make the choice to cut it off and when you notice a constructive emotion (love, forgiveness, kindness ...) let it runs its full course to allow it to blossom wonderfull things in your life. This pleases the Big guy up their and make you a better person ... this process refines and develops you.

The pain is normal Tec, your human and as such, are priveleged to be able to experience ALL forms of emotion in you learning quest. It is not the emotion that you experience but the reaction and choice on what to do with that emotion that is the lesson. I know it can be hard when one finds himself in a place of pain, but to lesson the pain, requires that you take small steps to move away from that pain. This can be things that include, getting out and exploring the city, picking up a hobby, doing things with the kids, going to a gym, meditating and anything else you think or feel will bring you pleasure.

Oh Tec, by the way, your not whining, whether you realize it or not ... you have already begun the healing process.

A mighty blessing that you will find happiness and peace in your life once again.

Hubby
  #9  
Old 03-24-2006, 07:52 PM
TEC TEC is offline
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Default Re:Separation proposal

Thanks for the support Hubby, it feels good to be back in .ca although the price of gas is enough to force any sane person to consider bank robbing as a new career. We have a tentative move home date as the second weekend of May. It is nice to be back in my home as unfinished as it is but I have plans to decorate even though I was constantly told I have no taste. Venician plaster for the bedroom walls its going to be ! I plan on going out to socialize once I get settled, who knows what could happen. I feel like I am healing a bit. But, its strange, when I finally could pick a date to move the family (wife included) home I felt a little apprehensvive. Maybe it was the feeling that that would be the beginning of the end, not sure.
I still feel helpless at times but I guess everyone going through this hell feels this way. I guess the hardest part for me is coming home to an empty and quiet house. No smiling children, etc etc but that will come back in time , I hope. Well I better run, I have been down in the big smoke for a week and returned home to af rozen water line.
Ah Canada, take care and keep in touch !
TEC
  #10  
Old 03-25-2006, 01:54 PM
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TEC,

Now that your back in Canada, I suggest that you consult with a Family Law lawyer ASAP. What's stopping her from moving in with this guy and not returning home with the children.

In your situation you will want to make sure the mobility rights issues are clearly outlined in a separation agreement. Also make sure that any separation agreement is registered with the courts, should in future, she take the children back to the US without your permission.
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