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  • #16
    TEC,

    Not so good today being valentines and all but I do appreciate your thoughts.

    I too am doing things for myself - ironically things I was previously doing for her and us more than myself. I started running on the treadmill some months ago to try to keep up with my spouse who had recently gotten into the sport. And I started going to the gym again. I used to go to the gym several times a week before we got together but she seemed to want me at home all the time so I let it go then when she started going and I wasn't ready we were "drifting apart" and even more ironic is that I was working on getting in shape again, but was some months behind her, so that I could feel comfortable going to the gym with her, again something she recently got into.

    I'm not sure how much stock to put in your wife blaming you for the failing marriage - my spouse has gone there too but I think she is just trying to justify her own screwed up decisions. Her tales of woe are just too one-sided and she refuses to even acknowledge the good times we've had. Not that there weren't issues in the relationships and not that there aren't things you and I can and should work on ourselves. But you (and I) really shouldn't shoulder all the blame - you are not the one that chose to have an affair. If you are anything like me you probably didn't realize that your spouse was in need of something more from the relationship or at best had some vague feeling that things weren't quite right but no idea how far it had gone. I'm sure had you realized where things were your approach to remedy things would not have been to run out and start an affair.

    If it didn't hurt so much I would probably find it funny just how similar your wife's comments are to my spouse's. Not only that but how completely stereotypical they are:

    http://www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm
    http://www.shirleyglass.com/afterword.htm

    (I didn't buy this book but found it eerie how similar the description in the introduction was.)

    Personally I think they are living in some kind a dream world and haven't thought through any of the things you and I see as considerations (and don't want to have any part of.) And I'm afraid that until they each sever all contact with the other guy they won't be able to think straight.

    Hope you survive another day mostly intact...

    Piped_In

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    • #17
      Re: Bye Bye kids

      Piped_in, I share your feelings about valentines day. Last night she went out to karate and I had the girls make cards for her. She had already told me not to bother doing anything from me to her but I purchased a card and wrote a poem I came up with to express how I was feeling and left it on the table with the girls cards to her.
      I know she saw it this morning but didn't say a word or open it. I left for work and will see if she opened it or just through it away when I get home. I know she was with "him" last night, I wonder what I bought him for valentines day. I guess whats eating at me today is she didn't make an effort with the girls to give me a card or anything from them at least. As far as me shouldering all the blame? Not going to happen, it takes 2 to screw up a relationship even though thinking about it now, I have been saying Im sorry for the past 10 years about various issues but no sorries from her side. It must be nice to imagine that you can do no wrong.
      Lately she hardly does anything around the house, shopping for food is an afterthought all she can think about is calling "him", when she will be going out next etc. Everything revolves around karate and going to help out at the new facility he is building.
      I am going back to Canada next wed thru fri for a job fair. Hopefully I land a job and we can get out of here away from him ASAP. I wonder what I will come home to this time. I went to Canada in January for the same thing, when I left we were still being intimate, when I came home a week later I noticed that 2 condoms were missing so I asked her at supper that night "planning on having some save sex?" Her reply was I can't believe you went in there and counted them. Yes, if the opportunity comes up I am going to sleep with him. And its all been downhill from there.
      I have rambled on enough
      Be strong, I am trying my best
      TEC

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      • #18
        This is very unfair - you should def. see a lawyer about this. That being said, you guys should both consider the kid's feelings and make sure to have their voices heard. By your wife doing this, your kids will basically no longer have a father who they can see or talk to whenever they need.

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        • #19
          Julie

          Thanks for the support Julie! I can use all I can get at the moment. Each day I wait patiently for my relocation company to contact me about getting on the road to Canada. It seems like its taking an eternity. I believe its very selfish of my wife to do whats she is considering. I probably would be able to handle the situation with the other guy if we were not living in the same house but unfortunately thats not possible down here. I am just dumbfounded as to how fast she switched from me to him with no remorse, just like changing socks without missing a beat. Let me tell you that it just kills me everytime she goes out the door and believe me she is finding more and more excuses to go out. I just want to get home and maybe she will come to her senses, maybe. She wants to arrange joint custody when we return which is in my favor and seeing as we will under the same roof the kids will still has somewhat of a family atmosphere. Like Hubby says I have to keep my cool and get on home turf but its extremely difficult. I have lost 28 pounds since the latter part of January. I needed to lose a few but not this way!
          I would like to thank everyone in this forum for their support and suggestions, I look forward to the replies everyday, its helping me stay sane.
          Thankyou All
          TEC

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          • #20
            TEC ...

            FYI, it took me around 2 months before I was able to 'emotionally' stabalize myself.

            Praying and going to the gym helped me enormously and the fact that OttawaDivore and Jeff are but a few blocks away from me!

            You need to focus on yourself and your kids. I mean that.

            You know, your spouse is probably getting great satisfaction in your suffering. There is a way to nullify this. Simply, do the opposite of what you've been doing.

            Dont chase, plead, beg, cry, ask where she's been. You have to get out and enjoy yourself, look HAPPY, fake it if you have too. Don't answer questions directly but be vague in your answers, if she asks anything about your day and what you've done. Don't say "I love you". Take the kids out and disappear for awhile.

            Know that in your heart, God looks upon you with great favor and respect and he will grant you strengh if you ask for it. Tis not you commiting sin but her. It could be that this is your TEST of a lifetime to bring or draw you closer to Him ... yeah, sometimes he uses relationships to get our attention, I'd say he's definately gotten yours ... cause you mean so much to him and there is something special about you.

            Like I said before, in time, this infactuation of hers will fade. Grass always looks greener at first and eventually dulls over time.

            I MIGHTY blessing that He will get you through this storm ... he will.

            Hubby

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            • #21
              hubby - 2 months is quite a short time. I commend you on that.
              Most people take ALOT longer, Im talking up to a year or even more.

              You are strong and I know TEC can be too if the advise on this forum is taken

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              • #22
                During seperation/divorce, inactivity is the cause of one's internal suffering.

                Hence the reason I pray, hit the gym and help others in a similar predicament by encouraging them on ... I keep myself active as much as possible.

                Ya know, it really boils down to our choice on whether we are in heaven or hell - we are afterall co-creators. I figured 2 months in hell was enough for me ... thanked God for the eye awakening experience and said "I was ready to come home".

                Hubby

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                • #23
                  Hubby

                  Hubby, after reading your post yesterday to focus on being "happy" I made a decision to be happy. Its still hard but after an hour or so of trying at work I realized that I actually was happy and it felt like something melted away from me being. I went home in this state of mind determined not to let ANYTHING change my mood.
                  Well ! My wife was dumbfounded as to what was making me so happy. She kept asking as to what was its source to which I replied that I couldn't quite put my finger on it and left it at that. All night she kept looking at me and was thinking about it, I could just tell. It felt great. Today I started off the same way and am bound and determined to keep it that way. Its almost as if something touched me and said don't worry, be happy. I haven't felt like this for a long time, even before all this started.
                  I know my wife is wondering what it is that has changed me overnight and it makes me feel good that she can't figure it out. She says she is going out Saturday night and I know with who but I have plans myself. I am going to tell her to take my truck out and leave me her car with the car seats. I am going to take the girls to Chucky Cheeses, a place they love to go to.
                  Thanks for the words of inspiration! I feel energized and I like it!
                  TEC

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                  • #24
                    Her behavior is a result of the balance of control shifting into your favor. Now heres the secret, you HAVE to keep it up, even when you feel things are getting better.

                    Remember, fake it till you make it! Even if you dont feel happy, act like it and eventually your state will change. It drives spouses NUTS when they see their other half having a GREAT time having fun!

                    Keep us posted ... for now, you've implemented a POWERFUL behavioral technique.


                    Hubby

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                    • #25
                      Glad to hear you are thinking of yourself and the kids TEC and getting out to do things with them.

                      hubby, I'm not about to fake any emotion or response - there's been too much of that (and not by me) in our situation already, a good part of what led things to where they are. And I'm not going to stoop to her level of ignoring me, denying or not communicating feelings - I figure for whatever chance we have of working things out together I should behave as I would continue to do together and more openly than before. I won't beg but I do still tell her now and then that I love her and after taking my daughter to her grandparents for the weekend told her that I missed her and was thinking of her. And if I need to cry I will - I know my spouse hasn't done this out of spite and I'm pretty sure she isn't really herself at the moment so why shouldn't she see the pain her decisions and actions are causing, I'm not faking this. I know she's been looking for ways to avoid her own feelings of guilt and has asked me many times to tell her that I'll be fine if she leaves (to which I mostly just say I'm sorry I can't tell you that, it isn't how I feel.) She has of course accused me of trying to guilt her into staying. I wouldn't try to tell her this but as far as I am concerned any guilt she feels is of her own making. She knows it's wrong and she knows that she is hurting many people. For that matter if she didn't feel any guilt well I don't want someone without feelings and I wouldn't think there was any chance of rebuilding things either besides she probably would have just vanished anyway.

                      But I would agree you need to do things for yourself and with the kids in the meantime whatever may happen down the road and if you enjoy them so much the better. I can't say I've fully enjoyed things I've been doing alone or with my daughter - I miss her being there or at least knowing that we'll be together later to talk about them but it does give me some respite and makes my daughter happy. I wouldn't say it drives her nuts to see me doing things but somehow in her head she had reached conclusions about what I would and wouldn't do (not true of course) and I think used it to justify things to herself. It certainly has confused her and sometimes almost seems to annoy her that I really don't fit the mold she made for me.

                      I did give her a Valentine's present too (gotta' fight for what I want too) - I don't think she expected that (and of course didn't give me anything - and as TEC mentioned didn't think to give anything to our daughter or to put anything together for our daughter to give me.) She said it was very nice but that it wasn't the right time to which I replied that I think it is exactly the right time, that I love her and left it at that. She didn't throw out the flowers and the gift is still sitting on the table where she left it after opening it but I don't mind that - every time she sits down to eat I think it takes another little shot at the rosy little world she has conjured up for herself.

                      Funny you should mention losing weight - I've been working on 20lbs for over a year and in just the last couple of months have dropped another 10lbs. I'm sure the extra gym time helps but I think it is mostly the stress, loss of appetite and lack of sleep.

                      Now if you want a picture of just how on edge I am I got a notice in my mailbox yesterday that there was a letter waiting for me at the post-office that needs a signature. You can probably guess at the kinds of things that were running through my mind...

                      Took me a whole day to remember that I am expecting my new passport to be mailed out to me this week. I hope to pick it up tonight and know for sure.

                      I'm near the end of my tether with this whole situation but a mutual friend has been keeping me going the last few days - I think she is passing on what she has learned from conversations with my spouse without actually betraying her confidence or giving me specifics but enough to bolster my hope and keep me going a bit longer.

                      The last couple of days we have actually talked about doing some things together. Plus today is the second day she hasn't worn the necklace I believe he gave her. Don't know how much to read into this (though the necklace has been there pretty much every day until now) and even if it is a positive step there is a long way to go but I hope these are good signs.

                      Keep finding things to do with your kids it will help you and them feel better. And get out to do some things yourself too - whether or not you really enjoy them they will get your mind off things for awhile. However things do turn out in the end you do have to take care of yourself and your kids.

                      Piped_in

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                      • #26
                        some positive news

                        I went back home to Canada last week for a job interview and landed the job! I start on the 13th of March. So I will be living at our home in Canada, working until 30 days has passed and our home in Georgia can be purchased by my company. We should be all moving back mid to late April. Finally I can separate my wife for this other guy and it looks like a year and a half will pass after that until she finds out what her green card lottery results are, bad I hope.
                        Maybe this time she has away from him she will realize what she is doing and come to her senses. Either way the kids will have an established routine by then and it will make it harder for her to move away with them.
                        Fingers crossed
                        TEC

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                        • #27
                          Glad to hear you at least have some hope and maybe will get some time to work things out.

                          I wish my wife could get away from the other guy for long enough to think for herself but we all work at the same place and they insist that they were friends before so it is okay that they see each other every day still. She seems to believe this is true love and that this is her one "chance to be happy". Despite the hurt and pain it is inflicting on two families. And he for his part has told his wife that he wants to try to work things out but despite the advice of the books they've bought, counsellors they are seeing and friends they talk to the one thing he refuses to do is break contact with my wife - of course that is the one thing that will completely sabotage any attempt he claims to make with his own family.

                          This weekend she actually expected me to sit down and figure out all the things that need to be done so she'll be ready "If (she) decides to leave". She's looking in the real estate papers and adding up her cash to make a down payment - even trying to decide which neighbourhood/school area.

                          Hope your days are going better than mine. Please post back in awhile and let us know how things are going. And remember it will take time and may not work out even with two of them separated but sounds like it might be a start, I wish you the best of luck.

                          piped_in

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                          • #28
                            Re Bye Bye Kids

                            Thanks for your continued support piped_in. It sounds like we have similar issues. I submitted a post thats called "Separation proposal" that she has come up with. Take a look at it and give my your opinion. I will be moving back to Canada this week to start work at a new job there so now if she wants to see him the kids will be present and I hope she has the sense not to do anything inappropriate in front of them. I probably won't be back down to the states to move until early May so they will be able to communicate freely without having to tip toe around me. Good luck to you and hope to hear from you soon
                            TEC

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