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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #101  
Old 11-07-2014, 03:09 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Ahhh it is very hard to get into more details from this point...I am not here to prove anything here. I am quite concerned that I appear in such way.

Or, this is the common strategy and you have seen many times. I however had no planning.

Think about it, if I knew this was gonna hurt the chance of me having any positive outcome in court, I should've completed stopped long time ago, right? Why would I show the obvious for everybody to see?
You asked me a question. I answered it. Believe me, the last thing I expect from you is that you're going to admit to anything.

You may want to consider, however, that I'm not the only poster giving you feedback that suggests you might be taking the wrong direction with regard to custody/access. I'm also not the only poster who thought that all your very detailed arguments against fair access to your ex were overblown and irrelevant.

When you're going to court, getting objective opinions can be helpful if you're self-aware enough to examine your behavior.

I truly think that you walked in here thinking you were going to convince everyone that you were a victim and justified in your actions. And I think you're going to walk right into court believing that too. In fact, you may make some pretty extreme allegations to try to achieve your goal. And not because you're evil but because you absolutely and completely BELIEVE that only you are capable of parenting this child and deciding what is best for him. You discount your ex's ability to parent for a million reasons. And anything you have to do make sure that only you get to make the decisions is totally justifiable because no one but you can possibly be capable.

The problem is nothing that you've posted here is relevant to the denial of fair access to your ex. You aren't capable of understanding that in your present state of mind.

The problem for you is that courts ultimately work on evidence....facts, proof and the judges perception of your credibility. That poses a problem considering the "facts" that you've posted here.

By the way, whenever a poster like you is challenged on their version of reality, they suddenly resort to saying that there are all these other really, really, really important extremely-relevant facts that they absolutely had to leave out to protect their super-secret identity. But if only we knew these super important, omitted details...we'd totally understand how justified you are and how victimized you've been.

Its been done here many, many times. And its always an act of desperation for someone who can't accept that they might be going down the wrong path.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-07-2014 at 03:31 PM.
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  #102  
Old 11-07-2014, 03:30 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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The similarities between yourself and LF32's ex are very real, but you just don't want to see it. You should be concerned that it appears this way, because if it looks like that to us after a few dozen posts from you, then it certainly will look that way to a judge. Heck, it looks that way to us without us even hearing your ex's side. Just wait until you get into a courtroom and you have to hear his version of the events and the relationship. Right now, we only hear yours, and we're picking apart your inconsistencies at a terrifying rate. Imagine what would happen if we also got to hear his side?
Hear, hear! Well stated.
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  #103  
Old 11-07-2014, 08:10 PM
wantmyfreedom wantmyfreedom is offline
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I believe you. To me what you said makes sense. I'm not going to break down everything you say. I'll leave that up to a justice. Be prepared. Your ex sounds like an abusive ass. Lets not downplay that he abandoned the op at the hospital. That is unacceptable. He abandoned his child too. What if something happened to the op? He may not like the op but he should have been there for his kid.

If he's afraid of caring for a baby then he shouldn't have made one. Taking care of a baby is a shared responsibility between two parents. Boozing and having people over is just wrong. Damn that is just so wrong. He should have put on his big boy pants and acted more responsible.

I don't fault you for leaving with your baby. I certainly wouldn't have left my newborn with a disrespectful ass. I'm not sure whether you have proof or not. Just be aware that your ex's actions will not hinder his access with his son. He has a right to parent his kid without any conditions.
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  #104  
Old 11-08-2014, 04:45 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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Originally Posted by wantmyfreedom View Post
I believe you. To me what you said makes sense. I'm not going to break down everything you say. I'll leave that up to a justice. Be prepared. Your ex sounds like an abusive ass. Lets not downplay that he abandoned the op at the hospital. That is unacceptable. He abandoned his child too. What if something happened to the op? He may not like the op but he should have been there for his kid.

If he's afraid of caring for a baby then he shouldn't have made one. Taking care of a baby is a shared responsibility between two parents. Boozing and having people over is just wrong. Damn that is just so wrong. He should have put on his big boy pants and acted more responsible.

I don't fault you for leaving with your baby. I certainly wouldn't have left my newborn with a disrespectful ass. I'm not sure whether you have proof or not. Just be aware that your ex's actions will not hinder his access with his son. He has a right to parent his kid without any conditions.
I am not sure if the OP specified how she was "abandoned" in the hospital..did the father go home to sleep or go to work, or what? Its not like he left them in the middle of the road somewhere, she was in a hospital where I am thinking that if something did happen then the staff is fully trained to deal with it. I think that maybe the OP is over dramatizing it a bit.

Takes two to make a baby and the OP stated that the guy wasn't a stand up guy basically before she got pregnant. Why get pregnant then? Not all his fault on this, she should share the blame. Of course it is too late for all that now, the child is here and BOTH parents need to be able to parent in their own way.

I agree with you if you mean on that first night that the baby was home he shouldn't of had people over. It was a time to get settled. Not his finest moment but I have a feeling, she has had some less then steller moments also. Like we all have.
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  #105  
Old 11-08-2014, 08:37 AM
wantmyfreedom wantmyfreedom is offline
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You're right we don't know the whole story. Just bits and from what I've heard so far op is very emmotionally invested. Thats understandable due to being a new mom and in the whole divorce arena.

PH- your're also right. DV was never an issue in the thread. I was using a "worst case scenerio" as an example to show her that it doesn't affect access.

Having said that I'm not surprised that she is a victim of DV because she has quite a bit of post traumatic stress. Nobody deserves to be called names. That is not healthy and no, most healthy people do not argue like that. Now on the flipside she could be lying to gain sympathy here on this forum. From what I've read I dont get that vibe. We are all entitled to our own opinions here on this public forum.
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  #106  
Old 11-08-2014, 11:00 PM
divorcing mama divorcing mama is offline
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Thanks for the posts - I appreciate people's time and attention on my situation. I am going to clarify a few things but again I am weary of the disclosure of information/ confidentiality issue. This city is really small place.

- hospital. I was in the hospital for almost a week. Over exhausted. He didn't stay one night with us. I asked him, he refused. He has no job, so work is not an excuse. He did come and visit, but helped with nothing. My most difficult time was at night when nurses didn't come by often. I almost dropped the baby due to my post partum situation( legs frozen from epi). It was very unsafe for the baby. Eventually I overexhausted myself and the nurse had take the baby away, next day the baby's weight lost exceeded 10% also dehydrated ( my milk was not enough). Also started some treatment- my ex still wouldn't stay with us because he had planned night life that day.

- why got pregnant with him? Good question. It was unplanned, I did go to abortion counselling - counsellor reassured me that worse case senario I could make an excellent single mother if the father doesn't step up. I decided to give it a try, hoping he would change when the baby arrives. Nope, he didn't. He made it very clear when baby was born that " although there is a baby now, I can do whatever I want". On top of that he became very mean to me. He was disgusted with my post partum bleeding, got very angry if I cried. Yes he physically took the baby from me if I cried, sometimes during my breastfeeding, sometimes when the baby was falling asleep. It was unbearable. I was not allowed to cry at home. He made fun of my adult underwear because of my bleeding, asking me why I was still wearing "f@&& diapers?"


- yes people were invited to our home the first day I came home. I told him if we could keep the guests away for a few days. He said it is his house he could do whatever he wanted. I couldn't entertain the guests and went upstairs after the dinner, he asked me why I was such "downer". I told him I was in pain. He said " nah you are ok". After that every other day i had people over drinking : video gaming until after midnight. Ex moved to another bedroom since he didn't wanna be bothered by the baby at night- i also told him if he doesn't go to bed before midnight then please don't come to our bedroom since it will wake the baby up. He however still woke both of us most of the time because he would be drunk and turning on every single light in the house. ( this is after our doctor convinced him that the baby should be sleeping in the same room as the mother)

- i was not perfect in the relationship. Before baby I could reasonably argue with him, if he yelled at me I could tell back. After the baby I lost any ability to defend myself because talkign care of an infant took all my energy, time and even the courage. I didn't want to fight in front of the baby either. Physically I was very weak from the complicated labour. When relative offered help and asked me to stay with them for a weekl or two, ex told me that if I do that then " we are done" - there were other threats but I cannot disclose.....which to these days I still don't understand why. He refused to help, but he wouldn't let others help either.
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  #107  
Old 11-08-2014, 11:15 PM
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Thank you for sharing this. One thing I can say is that I would be requesting that he abstain from alcohol when with the child.

It is a very sad situation. It sounds as though he doesn't want to grow up. I don't want to make excuses for him but I would point out that it is quite possible that in time he will indeed mature and become a functioning, effective parent.

With that said I still think he should have as much contact with the the child. Maybe if he spends a bit more time with the baby he will realize how important it is for him to grow up. From what you've shared with us it sounds as though there would be little chance that he would want to spend much alone time with the baby (hopefully). His mother will have her work cut out for her if she thinks she can make her son become a caring and loving father by the sounds of things.
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  #108  
Old 11-08-2014, 11:58 PM
divorcing mama divorcing mama is offline
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To continue from my last post

I didn't know what DV was, I thought we were just constantly fighting. However he learned a trick to win after the baby was born. He knew if he did anything to the baby it would get me mad. So every fight we had, he would either take the baby out of my arm telling me that I was not allowed to hold him, or be very rough with the baby. To these days I wasn't sure if he wanted to intentionally hurt the baby or just had difficulties controlling his anger. Once he became angry at me and he pulled the blakent quickly under the baby and my poor son flipped upside down in his crib. How can I NOT get emotional thinking about it? I know he probably didn't mean to hurt the baby, he was just angry, and he had to do something to get back at me. I felt helpless. I didn't know what to do. I don't remmeber why he was so angry, it could be my fault for talking back to him, but it's not the baby's fault. He should not put it on the baby. the baby did nothing wrong to him.


The nurse suggested me shelter. I told ex if he continued to be like this I wold go to a shelter. He ignored.

Our marriage counsellor who saw both of us for a few session told me on the private session after that that my ex was an abuser- that's when I finally realized what it was. A few days before that, ex's sister in law texted me and told me that for the child's sake we should really separate.


I do believe though my ex won't purposely harm the baby if I am not around. To be fair, I don't think he has ever had a vicious plan either. He was just not ready for married life, or a life where he needs to take responsibility for a child. And of course he has severe anger issue, which surprisingly doesn't come out with other people- people perceives him as a outgoing nice guy. Even the CAS worker told me that it's going to be hard to convince the judge since this guy is well put together.


should we really put what's happnend in the past in the past? Would my ex ever change his lifestyle and personality? I tried to encourage him learn bond with our son by suggesting him baby class, public health referral, etc, nothing seems to be interesting him. This isn't the legal part of things, I pardon myself for not being legal savvy here. I am just worrying, as a mother, how he is going to take care of our son - when he has no stable job, sleeps until noon all the time, massive spending habit, drinking, video gaming, night life, maybe I am a bit too critical? I do sometimes wonder maybe I shouldn't be asking everybody to be like me.

when I seperated, I thought it was the law that it should be 50/50 parenting time, so I suggested that to him. Then I realized that it was quite unrealistic. He couldn't even make to all the visits he was supposed to come. Sometimes he said he couldn't make it because of various reasons.... Until later I found out he was just out drinking Witt his friends.... Then he came back and complains about the 20minutes drive he has to do to see the baby.


What bothers me more is that he puts on a show of claiming he wants the baby. But in the court application there is more financial asking from me than anything, lots of false accusation ... Claiming I was abusive- but want to share custody withr me? If I were him and truly believing my wife is a psycho and crazy- hell! I wouldn't want to share custody with her at all?! Is it this really about the baby I wonder? Or just using the baby as a margin chip for me? Maybe if I say ok I want no child support then he will drop the case?

Maybe my story seems conflicting within itself. It's a very weird dynamic- I can't articulate. Am I a victim? How could I be? I am the richer , better educated. party here, I have a strong personality, i am protective...how can be a victim? Can he be the abuser? But he is the less educated, less achieved and in a way less powerful party? Soemtimes I am confused too. And to give my ex credit, I think he is quite confused and overwhelmed too. We are both humans, he probably accused I was an abuser on his application fearing that's what I would say about him.


I tend to drift between the two ends of the spectrum and try to rationalize things. Should I just give up fighting because he is the father of my son? Or should I explosing things and let he be accountable for what he has done? How is it going to affect the way we parent our son in the future? I find the significance and consequence of the actions may mean more than just a 50/50 schedule or custosy dispute.
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  #109  
Old 11-09-2014, 12:15 AM
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I hope the two of you learn to drop the word "abuser" all together from your vocabularies. It sounds like you are being propelled into playing the role of "victim" when this is clearly a matter of two people who don't get along. You have the ways and means to support yourself. You have made a decision to leave so you don't fit my idea of victim. You weren't happy with the situation so you got out.

I think what you describe are two totally different people who have totally different goals in life. I wonder what attracted you to him?

Sometimes people just bring out the worst in each other. That can include immature postering, threats and lots and lots of fighting.

If he doesn't have a job he is likely quite frightened of the prospect of paying money to support a child. Well that's not really your problem because, like it or not, he has to contribute to the raising of his child. Legally speaking I believe child support is the right of the child in Canada.

Dredging up the past poor behaviour, when you have no intention of staying with him, will do little good. I would try to move forward. Leave the "he said, she said" stuff behind. Focus on what's in the best interest of your child. You have plenty of time ahead of you to psychoanalyse. See if there are any "parenting after separation" courses in your area and start going to them. Figure out how you can best deal with this person.

Lots and lots of people on this forum with plenty of experience. You have to enact a game-plan (parenting plan) I would think.

Oh and yes people use their children as financial bargaining chips all the time - such is the nature of family law. Always comes down to the money at some point in time. You will find your situation no different I'm sure.

Last edited by arabian; 11-09-2014 at 12:19 AM.
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  #110  
Old 11-09-2014, 12:37 AM
divorcing mama divorcing mama is offline
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Thank you for sharing this. One thing I can say is that I would be requesting that he abstain from alcohol when with the child.

It is a very sad situation. It sounds as though he doesn't want to grow up. I don't want to make excuses for him but I would point out that it is quite possible that in time he will indeed mature and become a functioning, effective parent.

With that said I still think he should have as much contact with the the child. Maybe if he spends a bit more time with the baby he will realize how important it is for him to grow up. From what you've shared with us it sounds as though there would be little chance that he would want to spend much alone time with the baby (hopefully). His mother will have her work cut out for her if she thinks she can make her son become a caring and loving father by the sounds of things.

I agree, these few days I have been thinking maybe he needs to practise more with the baby. Then I asked myself, should my son be the guinea pig so that it is convenient for his dad to practise? Everyone talks about the best interest of the child, is it the best interest for my son to be tossed around so his dad can learn how to " grow up"?

A dad after divorce told me he would drive the earth and back to see his baby, and I was so touched. I can't force a dad to be dad, a dad needs to earn that relationship with his child... even he asked for 3 days to see the child, he shows up only half of the time or 2/3 of the times.


I would LOVE to see him spending time with the baby. However in his dictionary he should be spending time with the baby only when he wants to. It's always been this way. He is nice to me when he wants to, he does something nice when he wants to. He does a bit work when he wants to...

divorce is probably the best thing I have ever done in my life, also for my son. Before his dad wouldn't touch him, now his dad at least has to hold him for a prolonged period of time. Before his dad had no schedule for anything, now he has to drive to see his son and be committed to it every week. Before his dad had never touched a bottle, now he has to learn to feed the child- and learned that it isn't as a simple job as he thight it would be.

Some people here are concerned about his little time with the baby. I am not. I think these "baby steps" are a good start. These days a 2 hour visit I could already see stress on his face. Everytime when he returned the baby he mentioned that the baby cried so much he had to sooth him.. I think he is also learning to understand that having the baby isn't for the purpose of his enjoyment- he has solid responsibility of taking care of a human being. The baby is not a doll. He stopped asking more time these days as I can see he is feeling how serious this is. That's why he doesn't even come to all the visits-Baby is WORK. This is actually what I wanted all along- he starting to understand the meaning of having a child. He and I would never work out as a couple, but I do hope he can become a good dad. All baby steps right now.
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