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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #91  
Old 11-07-2014, 01:06 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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I think straightohell and hammerdad have raised some very good points.

I have paused and thought back to all my friends who had "superbabydaddys" like my then-husband and they were few and far between. In fact, the friends who had the boozing, could-care-less baby daddys are now, to this day, still happily married with grand children of their own. Some guys just aren't into babies, particularly if they have never babysat or had any exposure to babies before.

On the other hand I know it can be very lonely to be at home alone with a baby. You want the storey-book situation where the baby-daddy is oohing over the baby and can't wait to spend every waking moment with you and the child. That is not reality.

Physical violence is unacceptable. Unwanted aggressive sex is unacceptable but there are excellent counselling services available to help couples get in touch with each other's boundaries and needs. Name calling is disrespectful but then so is denying a child access to the father.

I would suggest that divorcing mama take a good hard look at the people she surrounds herself with. Sometimes it is best to direct your marital problems to a counsellor rather than with your so-called friends who simply get off on creating more problems in your marriage. Examine this area of your life carefully. My good friends never once told me to leave my husband. Instead they were supportive of me as an individual and encouraged me to do what was best for me. Keep in mind that your friends do not walk in your shoes and they will likely not be around when you are alone raising that baby.

You owe it to your baby to be sure that you have done everything within your power to ensure that your marriage cannot be repaired. Once you enter into the courtroom stage it is extremely difficult (however not impossible) to go back. Ask yourself where you were in your relationship 12 months ago? There must have been something that you saw in value with the man who is now the father of your baby. He will always be in your son's life whether you are married or not. Are you positive that this is really what you want? To be alone raising this baby?
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  #92  
Old 11-07-2014, 01:11 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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So her saying that he gave her the baby to leave has been completely twisted. He helped her pack up the child so she could go visit her family for a few days, maybe catch a breather. Both the OP and her STBX were under the impression the OP was going to return. So the STBX had no real reservations about the OP leaving with the child. The OP then changes her mind thanks to the influence of others, and refuses to the return with the child. If I was her STBX, I would be pissed off too. Her suggestion of the STBX handing the her the baby and saying have a good life is a twisted fabrication likely to gain sympathy. But when you look at the big picture, the only people I have sympathy is the baby and the dad, because OP lied.
Excellent points Hammer.

It also seems strange to me that a guy who's now suddenly physically abusive would just hand her the baby and agree to her going to stay with her family until the situation cooled down.

There are a lot of behaviors that often go along with physical abuse situations....particularly in times of high conflict when the abused person tries to exit the situation (especially with a child)....and this story of her leaving the house is the complete antithesis to those behaviors.

I'm sorry but the more this OP posts, the more she reveals her agenda. Its disturbing.
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  #93  
Old 11-07-2014, 01:11 PM
Straittohell Straittohell is offline
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Another point on the whole abuse card that your'e playing.

My ex had an affair on me for a year. I eventually caught her, and found the whole thing to be traumatizing. She even admitted that I had been a "model husband and father", and couldn't explain why she did what she did. Regardless, the result was a lot of emotional and mental trauma. It doesn't fit the traditional definition of abuse, but what she did HURT a lot. I would have preferred that she struck me, or called me a bad name. I was wounded, and could have been bitter and resentful, but I made a conscious decision to look past that and put my kids first. I worked with her to establish 50-50. My daughter wasn't even 5 years old yet, and my son had just turned 2. She didn't pull any of the tender years crap, and didn't try to insist that she get my son more because he was so young and 'needed his mother'.

To her credit, she recognized that the marriage was over and that the comforts and advantages of it were now going to die with it. You're going to have to accept that your ex now had to begin to take on a more significant role in your baby's life than what you had both initially assumed. So does he.

You're both hurting a lot right now. You're hitting him back by playing access games, and he's retaliating by making crazy financial demands. It's not surprising, and fairly common. You're both using the leverage that you have. He has the marital home, and you have the baby that is dependent on your boobs. Once you both stop playing games with each other, you'll find this a lot easier.
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  #94  
Old 11-07-2014, 01:14 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Originally Posted by divorcing mama View Post
I didn't mention the physical part. It however did exist. Just not sure how much more details to put here....and the things he said in details- too easy to be identified....

Does the physical abuse make the case any difference? Because to me, what he said to me and called me hurt a lot more than his physical act.

I dont know what to say it seems all the "judges" here have already predetermined my destiny.
I'm no judge. I am an impartial third party providing my uneducated opinion on the information you've presented.

Unless you have evidence of DV, or unless your ex admits to it, the judge will treat it as he said/she said evidence. The courts see these types of allegations all the time. The relationship is over, the fight over custody starts, and then all the sudden allegations of abuse appear. I am not suggesting in way, shape or form, that there wasn't violence in your relationship. What I am suggesting is that, unless you can prove it, the courts won't give the allegation much credibility. And it likely won't impact who gets custody....well, unless it is proven false. Judges hate that.

You need to focus on a parenting plan with your ex. 2 hours a day 3 times a week is peanuts. Would you accept that if roles were reversed? I doubt it. The child, especially at that age, needs meaningful and FREQUENT contact with both parents. 2 hours, 3 times a week is neither meaningful or frequent. It is about the same as you can get down at your local penitentiary at visiting hours.
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  #95  
Old 11-07-2014, 01:21 PM
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Janibel Janibel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post

You owe it to your baby to be sure that you have done everything within your power to ensure that your marriage cannot be repaired. Once you enter into the courtroom stage it is extremely difficult (however not impossible) to go back. Ask yourself where you were in your relationship 12 months ago? There must have been something that you saw in value with the man who is now the father of your baby. He will always be in your son's life whether you are married or not. Are you positive that this is really what you want? To be alone raising this baby?
Yes she should do all that is possible to have an 'intact' family for the sake of her new baby. Raising a child alone has its challenges.

Having said that, I would warn her against not making the same mistake that I have made - spending years in a bad marriage for the sake of the children .... if her ex is truly abusive, if there's no hope of improving the relationship, it's best to cut her losses sooner than later.

It could be a matter of her Ex (and herself) lacking maturity. Good parents learn to be good parents, they aren't born that way. Both of them lack experience and need time to 'grow' into their new roles. That's why the extended family is so important especially with the first child.

My ex mother-in-law was a God send to me. She stepped up to the plate and taught us both how to be better parents.
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  #96  
Old 11-07-2014, 01:35 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Having said that, I would warn her against not making the same mistake that I have made - spending years in a bad marriage for the sake of the children .... if her ex is truly abusive, if there's no hope of improving the relationship, it's best to cut her losses sooner than later.
I agree Janibel but this bears saying...

OP, I seriously caution you of going down the road of making trumped-up or unfounded abuse allegations in court to gain a custody advantage.

I'm not saying that is definitively what you're doing...I have no idea...but it has happened many times to people on this forum and it is easily one of the most inhumane things one person can do to another. And based on your story, you strike me as someone who has issues understanding boundaries when it comes to getting what they want.

When you make these allegations to gain a custody advantage..it requires the other person to be dealt with in not only the family court system but also the judicial/criminal system.

The affects can be severe for both the litigant and their entire family and the children....it affects their legal bills (you have to hire another lawyer), their right to freedom, their career, their parenting rights, etc. etc. etc. Before you start down this road, put yourself into their shoes.

When you make false allegations you also undermine every single person that's been through a real abuse situation or having to deal with real abuse now.

You sound like you believe in religion and there is nothing more indecent a person can do in a divorce case than to make false allegations of abuse.

If you have a police record of this and its been proven and you took criminal action...then you should definitely mention this going forward because it may be relevant if your ex-partner hasn't gone through treatment/counselling...otherwise, I'd advise you to tread lightly with regard to this subject.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-07-2014 at 01:37 PM.
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  #97  
Old 11-07-2014, 01:40 PM
divorcing mama divorcing mama is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Excellent points Hammer.

It also seems strange to me that a guy who's now suddenly physically abusive would just hand her the baby and agree to her going to stay with her family until the situation cooled down.

There are a lot of behaviors that often go along with physical abuse situations....particularly in times of high conflict when the abused person tries to exit the situation (especially with a child)....and this story of her leaving the house is the complete antithesis to those behaviors.

I'm sorry but the more this OP posts, the more she reveals her agenda. Its disturbing.

Would you tell me what my agenda is perceived by you?
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  #98  
Old 11-07-2014, 01:50 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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My objective opinion is that you have a very, very unhealthy sense of ownership over your and your stbx's child. That you intend to do almost anything in your power not to give your ex equal access to this child and will grant him only very small amounts of access if he does exactly what you want him to do, exactly the way you want him to do it. You will set very specific, judgmental conditions on even small amounts of access and find any justification for your unfair treatment that you can because you have a flawed mindset that makes you completely believe that you are the ultimate authority on how to appropriately raise this child.

I also believe that you think that you can manipulate the court system into believing and supporting this agenda and intend to do whatever it takes to try to make that happen.

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...s-bumpy-18120/
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  #99  
Old 11-07-2014, 02:30 PM
divorcing mama divorcing mama is offline
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
My objective opinion is that you have a very, very unhealthy sense of ownership over your and your stbx's child. That you intend to do almost anything in your power not to give your ex equal access to this child and will grant him only very small amounts of access if he does exactly what you want him to do, exactly the way you want him to do it. You will set very specific, judgmental conditions on even small amounts of access and find any justification for your unfair treatment that you can because you have a flawed mindset that makes you completely believe that you are the ultimate authority on how to appropriately raise this child.

I also believe that you think that you can manipulate the court system into believing and supporting this agenda and intend to do whatever it takes to try to make that happen.

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...s-bumpy-18120/
Ahhh it is very hard to get into more details from this point...I am not here to prove anything here. I am quite concerned that I appear in such way.

Or, this is the common strategy and you have seen many times. I however had no planning.

Think about it, if I knew this was gonna hurt the chance of me having any positive outcome in court, I should've completed stopped long time ago, right? Why would I show the obvious for everybody to see?

Another thing is, I am not the one who puts false allegation. My ex did.
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  #100  
Old 11-07-2014, 02:40 PM
Straittohell Straittohell is offline
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LF32's ex had no plans for after she left either. She figured that she would cry abuse, move away, and that he would quietly accept the new reality, and only see his kid for a few hours per week in perpetuity. She had no plan past leaving the house. She convinced herself that leaving was the only alternative, and then came up with every excuse imaginable to restrict and/or eliminate his access.

Instead of what she WANTED to happen, he dug in his heels, and spent 9 months quietly accumulating every denied access, and then she got savaged in court for it.

The similarities between yourself and LF32's ex are very real, but you just don't want to see it. You should be concerned that it appears this way, because if it looks like that to us after a few dozen posts from you, then it certainly will look that way to a judge. Heck, it looks that way to us without us even hearing your ex's side. Just wait until you get into a courtroom and you have to hear his version of the events and the relationship. Right now, we only hear yours, and we're picking apart your inconsistencies at a terrifying rate. Imagine what would happen if we also got to hear his side?

Exactly what false allegations has your ex levelled at you? Abuse? Neglect?
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