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First day here - this is my story- I think i messed up

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  • First day here - this is my story- I think i messed up

    Wasnt sure which thread to post to. Apologies if this is the wrong one.

    For one year, I didn't pay C/S. I now know i should have and scared I will now lose my kids.
    Reason I didnt pay:
    -She moved out of our home while i was away with our 3 kids (aged 10-14) and then denied me access.-She "told" me when I could see the kids, which was Fri, Sat and Sun and every second Wednesday. 4/14 days. I wanted to see the kids on a 50-50 schedule (Mon - Sunday every second week.) She said no. So I showed up at school or at her house when I believed the kids should be with me and everytime I showed up she denied me access by locking doors or running to car. Not good, so I stopped showing up as not to cause more chaos for kids. My belief, for not paying, whether wrong or right, was that the kids should be with me 50% of the time, so if she was having a hard time financially paying for the kids, all she had to do was drop the kids off. I want my kids 50% of time. I have zero say in parenting decisions (i.e she does what she wants whether I agree or not for example she allows my 14 yr old to have sleep overs with his GF which i COMPLETELY disagree with!). I cant do homework with my kids, or make lunches, or take them to their sporting events. I have no say in any of their upbringing. I have a close family and we all live within 30km of each other and the only people missing now from holiday events are my 3 kids. They miss out playing with their cousins and seeing their grandparents and aunts and uncles. I'm devastated. From the outside, I now understand that it appears as though I didnt want to pay child support but that is not the case. I didnt want to pay her to watch my kids when I was readily available to care for them. I felt as though she was asking me to pay some sort of "babysitting" fee which I felt was not necessary because I was and still am available 7 days of the week to care for them. She won't let me see my kids for more than 4/14 days and then demands I pay support. I now regret that I didnt go to a lawyer the day she moved out. I have let the situation be status quo for 1 year now because I really thought she would eventually let me see my kids. Now, I know that will never happen. I never thought my ex would be this cruel and its taken me a full year to realize but now i fear i sat for too long and did nothing. I dont know where to start now with legal proceedings. I know court will take a long time and im just starting to learn about it but what I do now? I am going to pay her the money I owe for the past year, but how do i get more time with my kids going foward? 4 days is NOT enough. I want 7/14 days or 6/14 at the very minimum. How to I get her to make the kids come and see me? Do I have to stay in this 4 day situation until we get to court. Every day the kids stay with her is another day she manipulates them. Is there anyway to get a court or judge to tell her to STOP talking to the kids about our seperation ( we were never married but were common law for 15 years). She tells the kids that I will pick them up and never take them home again (this is what my daughter told me). I have a GF now and she tells them that daddy doesnt want to be with the kids, he only wants to be with his GF. she should not be allowed to say things like that. Is there any chance a judge will still allow me to see my kids even though i failed to pay her the money she wanted every month over the last year. She has retained a lawyer and keeps telling me that she doesnt want to take me to court but that she wants XXX amount of money and if i dont pay the number she has come up with she has no choice. I asked her to go to mediation and she said she will not go unless i take 50-50 off the table. She said the only way she will go to mediation is if i agree to 60-40 which defeats the purpose of even going to mediation. So for the long message. I guess my bottom line question is how can I get more time with my kids RIGHT NOW. From what I've heard, getting lawyers, and going to court can take years...so in the meantime...how do i get time with the kids NOW.

  • #2
    If she hasn't served you with any papers then she too has waited a year. It took two of you to get into this situation.

    It won't take years to get to court. I would suggest that you hire a lawyer. See if your employment benefit plan offers any sort of counselling and/or legal assistance. That might help you to start out.

    If you were represented by counsel a year ago you would be in a very dicey situation right now (ignoring lawyer's advice). Perhaps if you find a good lawyer you can dig your way out of this situation.

    For the time being I would be very cautious about what you put into writing/emails to your ex before you get some legal advice.


    From what you have written BOTH of you are using the children as bargaining chips. This is not a good thing. I believe you have to start separating the money from the custody issues as you will be told, over and over again, that Child Support is the Right of the Child.
    Last edited by arabian; 05-14-2014, 07:16 PM.

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    • #3
      it took me a long time to realize it Arabian, but you are correct. I didn't realize that i too was guilty of using the kids as bargaining chips by not paying her what she wanted. Now i just want to focus on making right my wrongs without losing my kids. If anyone has any advice about where to find a good lawyer well versed on fathers rights and child custody it would be appreciated. Im in the ottawa area. I really want to know if there is some sort of immediate action i can take to see my kids ASAP.

      Comment


      • #4
        One of the posters on here might be able to help you (Orleans Lawyer). Maybe send OrleansLawyer a private message (PM).

        I am from Alberta so I can't recommend any names.

        I found my lawyer through the yellow pages and I am very pleased with him.

        There is much information on this forum on how to select the right lawyer. Just put the subject in the search area and go from there.

        Comment


        • #5
          Sometimes one of the parents get mad and takes off with the kid(s) but after awhile the parent cools off and comes back. This time the parent with the kids didn't

          Your siting in the house wondering what the heck is going on and trying to figure out how to proceed. Months later when the finality of it all hits you try to work matters out without Court. That's what the system wants for couples to work things out without going to Court.

          You haven't got the access you want as of yet and the ex is fed up with no money and retained a lawyer.

          Your absolutely correct ...you lose.....not because of the time that's past, but only because it's the "my way or the highway attitude". Technically you cut your own kids off financial support in a very difficult time.

          Judges love reasonable parents and that's who gets 50-50. Why not go get your assessed taxes and the Child Support Tables and start writing some checks for your 2 kids.

          Then with the checks (certified ones for Court) send a note to ex's lawyer that you want a start date for the separation agreement and here's 10 interim checks and wish to mediate a settlement to increase your access to 50%.

          You might save yourself (because you have no Separation Agreement or Court Order currently) and have a shot in Court for 50-50. If you think it's so hard to cut 10 checks now....you'll find it harder to write 120 of them later

          Huge mistake bringing a girlfriend around just one year after separation, and yes to anyone including a Judge (not to mention dumping her on your already confused kids) The optics are terrible. Judge will make sure this first family gets taken care of before you start a second family. Fix this
          Last edited by MrToronto; 05-14-2014, 08:34 PM.

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          • #6
            "Why not go get your assessed taxes and the Child Support Tables and start writing some checks for your 2 kids." - thats exactly what I did. I cut one cheque that covers the past 12 months. And going forward, I've committed to paying a monthly cheque based on the C/S tables. Ive agreed to do this despite the fact she wont let me see the kids more than 4/14 days. I understand NOW that I didnt handle things great at the beginning but i want to fix now and all i want is to see my kids 50% of the time. As for the girlfriend issue, my ex had a lengthy affair before we seperated; thus the cause of the seperation. However; Im not here to discuss personal issues. I dont think my status of being single or not has any relevance to me wanting to see my kids. My kids have no idea im dating as I dont want to add to the confusion in thier life but again i just want to focus on the law and getting my kids back.

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            • #7
              "send a note to ex's lawyer that you want a start date for the separation agreement and here's 10 interim checks and wish to mediate a settlement to increase your access to 50%." - i dont understand what you mean when you say i should ask for a "start date for the seperation agreement". What does a start date mean? is that the date she moved out of the house with the kids? how is a start date relevant to anything?

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              • #8
                Very sad dad - I am humbled by your post.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Let's see, I thought you wrote what your ex is going to say to a Judge:

                  "For one year, I didn't pay C/S. I now know i should"

                  "My belief, for not paying, whether wrong or right, was that the kids should be with me 50% of the time,"

                  She won't let me see my kids for more than 4/14 days and then demands I pay support

                  Anyways, I didn't read about a 1 year check you wrote in your first thread.... so you wrote the check for the beginning of this month?

                  If you read my post and it looks like you tried, I was giving you a starting point to negotiate a settlement. SO that you could play stupid on when to start Child Support.

                  I guess what you really "don't want" if you had any brains is an ex saying the kids are in a stable environment with MOM for the last year and DAD hasn't paid a nickel in Child Support and won't pay child support unless he gets his way although MOM has offered access to DAD but DAD doesn't want any access because he needs someone to blame so DAD can run off and play with his gf with a clear conscience.

                  That's what it looks like my friend.

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                  • #10
                    There are two distinct issues here:

                    1. Child support. You have to pay it. It sounds like you realize this now. Send your ex a cheque every month for the offset amount going forward, and pay her arrears based on the full table amount for the last year when they were residing primarily with their mother, beginning from when they moved out. Yes, this will be very expensive. Continue sending these cheques no matter what happens with your desire for increased access. If you cut your children off from the financial resources they are entitled to, no one is going to take seriously your claims to be a concerned father.

                    2. Access/residency. If the status quo is that the kids have been residing primarily with their mother, it will be difficult to go to 50/50 at the drop of a hat. Send your ex a plan for gradually increasing residency up to 50/50 over the course of a couple of months. Summer is a good time to do this, because you don't have to worry about disrupting school routines. If your ex won't agree to this and won't mediate, get yourself a lawyer. This will be expensive too.

                    There is nothing you or a judge can do about your ex telling the kids stuff about you, and there is nothing you or a judge can do about her parenting style if it differs from yours.

                    Yes, you screwed up, but the situation is salvageable if you're willing to commit money and time to fixing it. Good luck!

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                    • #11
                      Thanks Stripes. The information you outlined in #1 is exactly what ive been doing and will continue doing, no matter what. When you say I should outline a plan..im not sure what you mean. Ive asked her if i can have the kids from Tues-Sunday every second week and she says no. She says they are happy where they are and she refuses to attend mediation unless i agree to waive my request for 50/50. I think at this point all i can do is get a lawyer and fight. thanks for the help.

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                      • #12
                        Do you have written proof that you have requested 50-50 parenting time, such as emails? Do you have proof she has denied you parenting time from the start and has played gate keeper? Do you have proof she only offered you 40 %? All this will help your case for 50-50.

                        As was said, going forward only pay off set child support and every time you send support, state that you believe the children should reside 50-50 with each parent, thus the off set amount is what you are sending.

                        The longer this drags on the better chance she gets at keeping status quo. Speak to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Ask the lawyer about cases where one parent created a false status quo, this is basically what she has done.

                        The biggest thing is, you don't have an agreement or court order. If you had your kids for a weekend, there is nothing stopping you from keeping them the Sunday night. She will get mad, call the police, they will tell her there is nothing they can do. Not ideal and I don't recommend creating conflict but you could do so.

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                        • #13
                          - yes i have TONS of written proof where i have requested 50-50. I have all her texts/emails where she clearly states she will never agree to anything other than 60-40 and therefore she sees no point in attending mediation.
                          - im not sure how to calculate "off set" C/S. I've been using mysupportcalculator.ca and i dont think it calcuates offset C/S.
                          - i did attempt to keep the kids longer than what she allowed one weekend however; this upset my daughter. My daugther who is 9 told me that she wasnt allowed to go off the 'schedule' mommy made. My ex gave my daughter a phone and my ex will text her telling her its time to come home when the kids are with me. When this happens, my daughter becomes very upset and I cant stand to see her like that so I comply.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by very_sad_dad View Post
                            - im not sure how to calculate "off set" C/S. I've been using mysupportcalculator.ca and i dont think it calcuates offset C/S.
                            Offset is for any access situation between 40 and 60. It takes what you would pay her in table CS and what she would pay you in table CS and only the difference is actually paid (half the difference if you really want to be fair). So you would need to know her income. You should know it already, because of needing it to calculate the extraordinary expenses ratio, but if you don't, just guesstimate high, and she's sure to correct you. If she hasn't got an income, because a new partner is supporting her, assign her an approximate income based on her education and work experience, or full time minimum wage (this is called imputing, by the way).

                            Originally posted by very_sad_dad View Post
                            - i did attempt to keep the kids longer than what she allowed one weekend however; this upset my daughter. My daugther who is 9 told me that she wasnt allowed to go off the 'schedule' mommy made. My ex gave my daughter a phone and my ex will text her telling her its time to come home when the kids are with me. When this happens, my daughter becomes very upset and I cant stand to see her like that so I comply.
                            Keep in mind that it's not YOU upsetting your daughter by trying to work towards 50-50 custody, it's your EX upsetting your daughter by restricting the time.

                            Work on changing this attitude slowly. Mention that the schedule is not something mommy dictates, but something that you and mommy are in the middle of working out together. Make sure the kids are in the middle of something fun when mommy texts. Even better, take the phone away when the kids arrive, telling them they don't need it this weekend, and return it at the end of your access.

                            Don't keep the children unexpectedly past the time your ex 'dictated' but inform her in advance that you will be returning them at X time. Make it a reasonable time, such as a half hour before bedtime. If your weekend lands on a holiday, keep them the extra day and return them on the Monday evening as you would have on the Sunday for a normal weekend. Etc. Nothing unreasonable. Even better, start suggesting that exchanges happen through the school, so that you will get them to school on Monday mornings.

                            Your ex is placing the children in the middle of your fight, which isn't right for them. Your job is to reassure them that you love them, that you are both still equal parents, that it's okay for them to also love their mother, and that you and their mother are doing your best to make the schedule work out best for everybody, but that it will take some time to get it right. Other than repeating those ideas when an issue comes up, try to make your access time have as few references to their mother as possible.

                            You may not have the 50-50 you want right now, but you do have enough access to make sure that their mother isn't alienating them, so make the most of it until you can get more. Never skip an access for any reason.

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                            • #15
                              Look, you have done NOTHING wrong.

                              Your ex is using the kids for money and abusing them and you by restricting access.

                              Yes, in hind sight you should have gone to court right away.

                              You can start paying CS right now (table amount - don't listen to your ex for amount), and at the same time file in court for 50/50 access. Don't settle for ANYTHING else. 60/40 is a disgusting and obvious ploy for unreasonable CS. Don't pay retro CS unless ordered to.

                              One year status quo should not matter - you've been living with them full time for their whole lives - one year every other weekend should not change their/your right to 50/50, especially when it was the mom's unilateral decision.

                              Its too bad you let society dictate your access (ie the woman gets the kids), but don't beat yourself up about it - you thought your ex would be reasonable, but she is not, she's an alienating self centred money hungry bitch.

                              As for you having a GF - good on you. I hope that goes well for you.
                              Last edited by billm; 05-15-2014, 12:32 PM.

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