How to disengage....

[Sk8r]

My ex and I share custody of our children. When we were together, we never had trouble agreeing on what was best for the children. We agreed that they should be active in sports or non-sport interests. We always put them first when it came to financial matters.

Now that we are divorced, my ex is CONSTANTLY making parenting choices that I find not only baffling but incredibly hurtful to the children. For instance, whereas he used to attend all their games, practices, events he almost never shows anymore. When they have events during his access time he inevitably comes up with an excuse not to take them. They invite him to be a part of their things and he always says he doesn't have time or can't afford it.

I KNOW that I cannot control the parent that he wants to be and I'm certainly not capable of changing his mind on anything. So my question is how do you let go? The kids are preteen and old enough to see through the excuses, but not old enough to feel like they have the power to do anything about it. Inevitably I feel like I have to champion for them, but in my heart I know that it only creates more conflict as the ex thinks I am trying to "tell him how to parent".

How do others handle co-parenting issues? How do you remain detached when your ex does something you don't agree with? And does it ever get better?....easier?

[logicalvelocity]

Sounds like he is swaying away from being child centered.

Does he not realize that children count on parents to attend sporting events, etc. Children need this support as it helps boost their self esteem and aslo gives them confidence.

If your x is unable to go to the sporting event, try to change the schedule so at least you could take them. This is what I would do in this situation.

[Grace]

Take advantage now of the children wanting you to be part of their activities. Soon they will be hormonal teenagers and want nothing to do with you!!!

[Sk8r]

indeed

I always offer to pick them up and take them to their activities during his access time if he "cannot". (he lives 40 minutes away) Sometimes he allows it and sometimes he doesn't. I can't make him let them go. And I go watch regardless if he takes them or not - then I can at least tell them how their team did. (and in some cases I coach/assist so I must be there) But I haven't been able to do those things without being incredibly bitter that he doesn't seem to make them a priority. It drives me nuts. The older one has started to say "if you aren't going to take me to x then I will just stay home until after x" Which is great for her but my heart aches for them because I know that they wish he would just be there.

[Grace]

The children should'nt have to be placed in a position were they are missing activities. They most likely feel badly about letting their team down. It doesnt seem like a bad idea to let them stay home until after their game and give the ex more time when activities are not scheduled. Maybe when he sees how important it is to the children he will come around.

[Sk8r]

Their father insists that they keep their time with him. He will not allow them to stay with me during what has been agreed as his time - even in trade. I am unclear as to what my legal rights are because I only have defacto custody - we still do not have a signed agreement or court order.

My counsel said that if he outright refuses, in advance, to let them attend to their activities then it would be reasonable to keep them home. So now he has gotten "smarter" and says "I'll try to get them there". So where does that leave the kids? Once again, at his mercy.

[lammie]

This is horrible. Your ex should be ashamed for the damage he is doing to your children. Clearly he is treating them as posessions and not as his own flesh and blood. Their needs and activities should come first.

I would think you would need to find out if there is any way to expedite getting a formal custody agreement in order to protect the best interests of your child. Not being a lawyer, I have no way of knowing if you can expedite such things, but it is clear that harm is being done by his activities. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to allow you the right to deny him access.

[Grace]

Start writting down all the times and dates that the children are missing out on their activities. How long have you been separated? You say you have shared custody. Does this mean the children are with you 50% and your ex 50%.

I suggest that you try and get a separation agreement in place ASAP and have it written in the agreement that the children will be taken to all activities by the parent whom they are with at that time.

[Sk8r]

unusual

Our situation is somewhat unusual.

We are divorced. We only separated a year ago and have only been living apart for 11 months. I have the kids for the most part. He sees them every other weekend. We filed an uncontested divorce as there were no issues with the children....until he remarried and moved away. The new wife thinks that my childrens activities are ludicrous and he apparently all of a sudden agrees or at least bends to her will.

In reading the Children's Law Reform Act, I see that because the children have been living with me since January, I actually have defacto custody; which I am guessing gives me a lot more power here than I originally thought I had. We have no signed agreement or court order. We verbally agreed on every other weekend, but it would seem that I have the right to reschedule or decline if he is not living up to his responsibilities as a parent.

I do want to try to encourage him to step up and just take them, but I will start tracking everything that they miss, so that if he won't step up and I decide to pursue sole custody, then I will have some backup.

[lammie]

Sounds like you are in a pretty good situation then. Ideally it would be good if your ex took responsibility and treated your children properly. If he is not going to take them to activities that are beneficial to their growth, than I think you should seriously consider keeping them in order to make sure they are able to do their activities.

Since you don't have any formal agreement, this would likely spur one, but at least you would be doing what is in the best interests of the children.