Parent-teacher meetings - do people do these separately?

[stripes]

Just wondering:

We're in the midst of parent-teacher meetings at D8's school. I had my conference with her teachers last night (everything's good, needs to put more effort into math and lay off the social butterfly routine during class). Tonight her father is going to meet them.

I'm just curious as to whether other people meet with teachers as a unit, or have your separate meetings. I told the ex when I had signed up and said he was welcome to join me if he wanted. He didn't reply and made his own arrangements with the teachers, which is fine with me too. However, I'm thinking for teachers it must be a bit weird to go over the same routine twice because the two parents can't/won't agree to come at the same time.

I would characterise relations with my ex as moderate-but-not-very-high-conflict, with intermittent flareups of the hostile crazy variety. I could stand to be in the same room as him for meeting the teachers, but it's not something I'm going to push for unless he's on board.

How do other people handle this?

[Mess]

I do mine separately. The teachers don't see anything strange about this.

[arabian]

I recall going to a parent-teacher meeting with my ex, many, many years before we were divorced. My ex acted like an ass and proceeded to challenge the teacher and when that didn't work he tried to pick an argument with me and blame me for our son's educational difficulties at the time. I was extremely humiliated.

The story gets better. The teacher sensed there was lots of animosity between us and proceeded to make a report to the school principal. The school principal then arranged for a child psychologist to come to our home and meet with us. The psychologist met with us and quickly realized the dynamics of our relationship was in no way to blame for son's inattentiveness at school. The whole thing was extremely embarrassing for everyone.

I'd say if there is any possibility that your ex will be an ahole during the meeting that I'd do it separately. Unfortunately EVERYTHING teachers write about students remains in the child's educational record in perpetuity.

[Mess]

That was highly inappropriate of the principal. Moreover, he could not have done that without your acceptance.

[HammerDad]

I've gone with the ex and gone on my own. It really depends on my ex's mood. We are on reasonable terms right now, so I expect she will want to go together. I am fine with it, as it confirms the unified front with D8. But if she wanted to go separately, I'd be fine with that too.

The teachers have never seemed to have an issue with either scenarios. They are used to dealing with separated families and hostile ex's.

[arabian]

Yes it was very awkward, to say the least. I do understand that the school was likely concerned that there might be a problem at home. I recall the psychologist feeling uncomfortable as well.

After the 'home meeting' my then-husband never attended another parent-teacher meeting but instead involved himself with the annual science fair project.

I did learn from the experience how important it is to go to your child's school and request to see their school record. You can ask for things to be purged from the file (which I did). In our case the teacher was maybe 24 yrs of age and had made many ridiculous comments on our son's school record. I was pretty upset at the time about it. One comment had been made by the previous year's teacher that my son was a day-dreamer. It turned out that he needed glasses and simply couldn't read the blackboard. So when the young teacher (in the following school year) reviewed my son's academic record, she assumed he was unmotivated and should be labelled as "learning disabled."

[Links17]

I go with my ex but she is embarrassing and gets annoyed when she sees the children sitting with me and not with her.

I try to put an invisible wall up so the ex is not even in my line of sight because of her stupid facial expressions.

[HappyMomma]

We go separately. Wouldn't have it any other way

[stripes]

Thanks everyone. Wasn't sure if I was being weird here. I'd like to present a "united front", but the reality at the moment is that the front is not united.

One issue with going to meetings with the ex is that D8 sometimes regresses to a younger stage of functioning around him in public, being disrespectful and acting out in an effort to get his attention. With just me and the teachers, she's calmer and more focused.

[Links17]

Thanks everyone. Wasn't sure if I was being weird here. I'd like to present a "united front", but the reality at the moment is that the front is not united.

One issue with going to meetings with the ex is that D8 sometimes regresses to a younger stage of functioning around him in public, being disrespectful and acting out in an effort to get his attention. With just me and the teachers, she's calmer and more focused.

Possible Translation: My daughter loves her dad and is playful with him maybe(?) because she doesn't see him so much. Since she with me all the time she ignores me . Or maybe my daughter and my husband have a better relationship that I do with my daughter and so I call it regression...

My ex could probably say the samething as that ^

[stripes]

Links17, you may be right, I may be putting too negative a cast on my daughter's behavior. I see it as anxious attention-seeking, but maybe I'm projecting my own experience with him onto her. What I read as disrespectful (throwing things at him, saying "I'm gonna kick you in the butt so hard!", baby talk) may not mean the same to him. I'm probably more old-school than he is.

And in any case, it really doesn't matter what I think of her behavior with him, the thing I need to be concerned with is her behavior with me, which is pretty comfortable and mutually okay. Thanks, you made me think.

[wretchedotis]

Just wondering:

We're in the midst of parent-teacher meetings at D8's school. I had my conference with her teachers last night (everything's good, needs to put more effort into math and lay off the social butterfly routine during class). Tonight her father is going to meet them.

I'm just curious as to whether other people meet with teachers as a unit, or have your separate meetings. I told the ex when I had signed up and said he was welcome to join me if he wanted. He didn't reply and made his own arrangements with the teachers, which is fine with me too. However, I'm thinking for teachers it must be a bit weird to go over the same routine twice because the two parents can't/won't agree to come at the same time.

I would characterise relations with my ex as moderate-but-not-very-high-conflict, with intermittent flareups of the hostile crazy variety. I could stand to be in the same room as him for meeting the teachers, but it's not something I'm going to push for unless he's on board.

How do other people handle this?

Damn straight I do it separately. Who wants the conversation always hijacked and whatever other drama might ensue.

[Links17]

Links17, you may be right, I may be putting too negative a cast on my daughter's behavior. I see it as anxious attention-seeking, but maybe I'm projecting my own experience with him onto her. What I read as disrespectful (throwing things at him, saying "I'm gonna kick you in the butt so hard!", baby talk) may not mean the same to him. I'm probably more old-school than he is.

And in any case, it really doesn't matter what I think of her behavior with him, the thing I need to be concerned with is her behavior with me, which is pretty comfortable and mutually okay. Thanks, you made me think.

That's big of you stripes, I was posting that tongue in cheek but I know in my son's last PT interview my daughter was sitting on my lap and really enjoying seeing me on this "unexpected" occasion and my ex was fuming and telling my daughter to stop sitting on my lap my 5 yr old daughter had to actually confront her mother that she wanted to be with me.. She's a sick person though.

[wretchedotis]

She's a sick person though.

Or is it the lens you see her through right now?

[firhill]

My daughter is still too young to attend school. I'm just wondering...

Do these meetings normally include the child.

If so, has anyone had to deal with their child thinking that since mummy and daddy did this together, why can't they do more stuff together?
Does/could it create, in the child's mind, the possibility of a reconciliation of the parents?