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  • After school arrangements

    Ex and I have shared custody of two youngest (8 & 11). Oldest full time with me. As she lives further away from the school she has requested that on her weeks the two youngest stay at my house alone (short walk from school) until ex's roommate can pick them up from there (an hour later). My partner isn't comfortable with this arrangement. Ex's reasoning is to save gas money (she barely works) and her roommate works nearby. I'm tired of bending over for her. Thoughts?

  • #2
    Depends on the maturity level of the 11 year old. At that age, I had house keys, took public transit an hour each way to and from school, and would have had no trouble at all staying by myself at home for an hour with my younger siblings. If the older kid is reasonably mature and has a way to get in touch with an adult by phone if necessary, I don't see this as a problem, unless there are some other underlying issues.

    It doesn't strike me as "bending over" for your ex, because her proposal doesn't mean that you have to change anything that you're doing. Kids don't have to be transported by a parent everywhere they go if there are reasonable alternatives available.

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    • #3
      It's not about them being alone. They'll be on their own for an hour on my time too. It's a boundary concern for one thing. It's also knowing kids will be snacking, making messes, being late, feeling responsible for them at her leisure and we don't like the idea of ex or her roommates having access to the home while we're not there. Gas money wouldn't be a concern if she got a job (no good reason not to). She's high conflict in many areas and I feel it's way past time to stand on her own two feet.

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      • #4
        She has no job? Then she's available to get them herself directly after school. I can see not minding the kids being there I would totally also have an issue with the ex or her partner having access to my home when no adult is there.

        ETA: Given she is not working she is available to get the kids herself. If she is not available then it is up to her to make arrangements for their care - at her own expense as it is not to facilitate her work schedule.
        Last edited by blinkandimgone; 09-03-2015, 01:04 PM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by vocircuspants View Post
          It's not about them being alone. They'll be on their own for an hour on my time too. It's a boundary concern for one thing. It's also knowing kids will be snacking, making messes, being late, feeling responsible for them at her leisure and we don't like the idea of ex or her roommates having access to the home while we're not there. Gas money wouldn't be a concern if she got a job (no good reason not to). She's high conflict in many areas and I feel it's way past time to stand on her own two feet.
          I can understand not wanting people to come into your home when you're not there. If that's the core problem, either arrange for Roommate to pick up the kids outside the home, or tell Mom this isn't going to work, she will have to make her own arrangements for the kids after school, but your house isn't an option.

          Be aware though that this might not go over too well with the kids - it could be interpreted as "Dad and Stepmom don't want us in their home". This one will take careful handling with the kids' emotions, especially if Mom pushes back and says she absolutely can't pick up the kids. I think it would be really important here for the kids not to get the sense that they are an inconvenience for Dad and Stepmom.

          The gas money thing is a non-issue, unless Mom lives 400 km from you (which obviously she doesn't, if she brings the kids to school on her weeks and your place is walking distance from the school, the additional cost of picking the kids up should be negligible).

          (I also can't imagine Roommate really loves this plan - sounds like Mom's SOP is to get other people to do things for her).

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          • #6
            Agreed, they shouldn't even hear about it hopefully. She's 45 minutes away max

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            • #7
              Now ex is saying she'll have to quit working if kids can't stay at my house after school. She works 2 part time shifts a week.

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              • #8
                her choice

                surely kids have friends that she can make arrangements with?

                sounds like she's high drama sheesh

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by vocircuspants View Post
                  Now ex is saying she'll have to quit working if kids can't stay at my house after school. She works 2 part time shifts a week.
                  Well, that would be her problem to deal with, not yours.

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                  • #10
                    I think you should accept.

                    In fact I think people here are being crazy. Your ex is basically saying I can't take care of the kids after school, you take them.

                    Unbelievably enough you want to refuse?

                    Don't you want your kids with you, in your home as much as possible? Haven't you said your ex is an idiot in other threads...

                    Work out the logistics but welcome your kids in your home gladly and stop this ridiculous thread.

                    P.s.: I would get rid of the woman out that ever discouraged me from taking care of my kids.

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                    • #11
                      At first glance I thought the same thing Links but changed my mind.

                      He has a 12 yr old boy at home? Why not see if the 12 year old wants to make some money? If he is in agreement he could offer to babysit the two younger ones? If not it's likely that the 12 year old is the one who is going to be affected by this more than anyone.

                      I see problems with your home being the convenient after school place simply because we all know that the 1 hour will become 2 hours and so on.

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                      • #12
                        Are the kids even old enough to stay home by themselves or would the oldest be home with them as well?

                        Honestly, it is an hour... hardly enough time for them to even get in the door and watch a tv show... I wouldn't make that big of deal out of it, especially since I assume the oldest will be there as well. Little harsh to say to the kids... oh hey your oldest sibling can live with me full time but you can't come after school.

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                        • #13
                          Arabian is spot on. Ex feels entitled, won't help to financially support (capable of pulling in 3-4 times her current salary), and doesn't recognize boundaries. If it was due to a new full time job I would likely give the scenario more consideration but seriously, her time her responsibility. My son needs braces, my vehicle needs repairs, we need to save for all of their education, on and on. I'm tired of the free ride crap. Oh and they are old enough to be alone for a bit. I wouldn't be able to be there as I work. It's all about her convenience.

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                          • #14
                            Financial support of your ex - irrelevant here. Later take her to court to impute an income, she will never work by free will.

                            She feels entitled - you are right, who cares.

                            I can't make you care for your kids...

                            This is sick, its as if you fight for custody just for the sake of the fight then when the other parent says "you take care of them" you start saying "NO YOU TAKE CARE OF THEM"

                            There is 0 problem with your kids being alone for a bit after school especially since the 12 year old there and is just getting older by the day.

                            Think long term, this can eventually result in a sole custody situation.... I am sure she will start coming later, the kids will resent it. Eventually, she will go out after work, not come at all and after a little while she'll disappear. Some kids have 2 good parents, some have 1, some have none....



                            her time her responsibility
                            NO!
                            YOUR KIDS - YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

                            you depress me...

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                            • #15
                              Maybe you're bringing your own drama and situation into this. She's not asking me to take care of them, she's asking my house and her roomie to be saps for her. She won't pick them up later except for the rare days her roommate unable to get them. I know my kids are my kids 365 a year but a capable parent wanting half custody needs to step up to the plate. Sorry you're depressed, I imagine you're going through a difficult situation.

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