I thought Id put this in here just from some of the comments people have made and maybe to help a little. A few people have been claiming alienation, my partner is alienated and I was an alienated kid.
Theres a really good book I read last year called A Family's Heartbreak and its by Mike Jeffries. Its a dads perspective on the whole thing. Ive read a few psychology books and Ive been through years of therapy myself. Last year I sent my partner for therapy to deal with what hes going through with his kids. Reading that book really showed me the non medical side of things.
I have to remind everyone: alienation is not normally a decision of the kids. They are heavily influenced to behave this way. Its either subtle or its blatant. For me, not speaking to my father was a condition of living at home. At 14, what do you do? I didnt know there were supports or agencies that I could go to. Plus I had siblings at home who I didnt want to leave. I finally reconnected with my father four years ago. 20 years after he left us.
Do not be angry with your kids. Try everything you can to stay connected. If they are young enough, enforce your access orders. If they are too old, keep trying. They are confused and hurt and angry. They are also getting one side of the story. That doesnt mean you should tell them "hey your other parent is an asshole" it means remind them you love them, you are there for them, you want to be a part of their lives.
My partner was told last summer he needs to set healthy boundaries with his kids. He needs to not let them take advantage of him or try to manipulate him into doing what they want. I can tell you the last year has been difficult but he recognizes that he cannot encourage unhealthy behaviours in his kids. Hes gotten stronger. He still misses them desperately and would do anything to hear their voices. Yet he also recognizes when he is being manipulated and will not engage. Its like a hostage situation. Its unfair and unhealthy.
I guess my bottom line is dont give up. Dont cast aside your kids because they are being cruel or say goodbye. In this day and age there are many ways to reach them. Back when it was me, my father had to endure us screaming stuff at him and hanging up the phone. It may get better, it may not, but when theyre older and away from the influence they will have a clearer head and then they can see all the emails texts cards calls etc that you sent to get through to them. And dont be afraid to seek out supports for yourself. There are many different support services out there for these types of situations. Call Family Services or even CAS in your area. My partner abhors therapy. After two sessions he found talking about something he thought he deserved helped him understand why it was wrong. Divorce doesnt mean someone gets to take your kids away. You didnt divorce your kids. Dont be ashamed of what is happening. Its not your fault and its definitely not your kids' fault. Remember not to punish them for a situation that is out of their control.
Theres a really good book I read last year called A Family's Heartbreak and its by Mike Jeffries. Its a dads perspective on the whole thing. Ive read a few psychology books and Ive been through years of therapy myself. Last year I sent my partner for therapy to deal with what hes going through with his kids. Reading that book really showed me the non medical side of things.
I have to remind everyone: alienation is not normally a decision of the kids. They are heavily influenced to behave this way. Its either subtle or its blatant. For me, not speaking to my father was a condition of living at home. At 14, what do you do? I didnt know there were supports or agencies that I could go to. Plus I had siblings at home who I didnt want to leave. I finally reconnected with my father four years ago. 20 years after he left us.
Do not be angry with your kids. Try everything you can to stay connected. If they are young enough, enforce your access orders. If they are too old, keep trying. They are confused and hurt and angry. They are also getting one side of the story. That doesnt mean you should tell them "hey your other parent is an asshole" it means remind them you love them, you are there for them, you want to be a part of their lives.
My partner was told last summer he needs to set healthy boundaries with his kids. He needs to not let them take advantage of him or try to manipulate him into doing what they want. I can tell you the last year has been difficult but he recognizes that he cannot encourage unhealthy behaviours in his kids. Hes gotten stronger. He still misses them desperately and would do anything to hear their voices. Yet he also recognizes when he is being manipulated and will not engage. Its like a hostage situation. Its unfair and unhealthy.
I guess my bottom line is dont give up. Dont cast aside your kids because they are being cruel or say goodbye. In this day and age there are many ways to reach them. Back when it was me, my father had to endure us screaming stuff at him and hanging up the phone. It may get better, it may not, but when theyre older and away from the influence they will have a clearer head and then they can see all the emails texts cards calls etc that you sent to get through to them. And dont be afraid to seek out supports for yourself. There are many different support services out there for these types of situations. Call Family Services or even CAS in your area. My partner abhors therapy. After two sessions he found talking about something he thought he deserved helped him understand why it was wrong. Divorce doesnt mean someone gets to take your kids away. You didnt divorce your kids. Dont be ashamed of what is happening. Its not your fault and its definitely not your kids' fault. Remember not to punish them for a situation that is out of their control.
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