Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Dealing With A Nutbar

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Dealing With A Nutbar

    Good ol’ back to school drama. This literally is going to sound too ridiculous to be true, but I promise you it is.

    Ex bought a backpack for our child a few weeks ago. Ok, cool, thanks for the contribution. While doing some shopping with her, daughter sees a backpack with a character from a movie she is currently obsessed with and begs me to buy it. It came with a matching lunch pail and side pockets for her water bottle (neither of which came with the other backpack-note that I never brought any of this up with dad or “scolded” him for his choice in bags, or made any mention of the one I bought)

    So I think to myself, ok, we use more practical bag for school and one dad bought for sleepovers at grandparents and his parenting time. Reasonable? I thought so.

    First day of school, I take the typical first day picture, and automatically text it to her dad for him to see as well. I immediately get a message back berating me for not sending her to school with the one he and his gf “spent a lot of money on”. My response was “Calm down. She saw this one at the store and begged me to buy it for her, she still uses the other one”

    He doesn’t respond to the text. He instead sends an email accusing me of “fucking him over” and that he will no longer be in contact with me. And that he will now only see our daughter on his scheduled times, nothing more, and that he is on the verge of “walking away” and once he does he will walk back into her life when she is 18 and tell her what a “massive c**t” I am. (All in email, perfect.)

    But wtf?!? We’ve barely spoken over the past few months as it is. It’s not like I’m constantly harassing him on his parenting skills, or threatening him, or denying him time with our daughter. He literally needs next to no provocation to threaten to walk out on her (he has done it 4-5x this year, not to mention the time we tried talking to a mediator and he asked if he could just sign away his rights as a father to get out of paying CS) So I can just imagine what is going to happen once he gets notice of this motion for arrears and s7 expenses.

    Sorry for the rant. It’s just rough, because she absolutely idolizes him and always talks about how much she misses him (he cancelled his access weekend last week once again). It’s going to break her heart if I ever have to tell her she won’t be able to see him anymore. Anybody have any age appropriate explanations they have used to tell a child that one parent has left the picture?(she is 5) Trying to prepare myself for the worst.

  • #2
    This is golden. Keep that email safe and tight... brutal. Sorry you had to endure that.

    My ex bought the kids shoes that were too big after I had already bought them some no communication or anything asking what hey need or if I have bought stuff yet. First time ever. Great thanks. I bet it appears in our SC brief how he is so generous...


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

    Comment


    • #3
      I think that’s the point he’s trying to make.

      “Oh look at me buying my daughter things. This backpack makes up for the hundreds of dollars I am shorting her every month”

      The other great one was when I went to go pick her up a few weeks ago and there was a brand new bicycle sitting in his driveway. He tries to tell me I need to take this bike back to my house. I say “thanks, but I already bought her a bike in the spring, and we have no space for another one” (We have a bike at our house for every family member- 5 in total- and only have use of half of the garage) Did I mention this bike was waaayyy too small- it was a starter bike for a 3 year old (she’s five and doesn’t even ride with training wheels anymore). His gf is standing in the background looking pissed and telling him to get it out of their garage (wtf?) so I just drove away without it. Last time he came to my house for exchange he brought it with him and dumped it on our front lawn. I didn’t make a scene about it, just donated it to a family with a little girl (and not a lot of money) that will need one soon

      Comment


      • #4
        Seems like he's looking for an excuse to walk away....and twist and turn it around to make it look like your fault....how sad. I'm dealing with a similar nut bar, child in a man's body. The email is golden like other poster said. If he walks away, he walks away, you cannot force someone to be a parent. I'm not sure what you say to the child, maybe you could talk to a professional about that??

        Comment


        • #5
          what a dick.

          every time he behaves that way- just thank your lucky stars you're not married to him anymore. I thank my stars every day that my daughter is not growing up in a household where she thinks it's ever okay to call a woman a c*nt. That was my ex's preferred insult for me as well.

          Do you think your ex ever behaves this way to his girlfriend when your daughter is around?

          I wonder what happens if my ex re-partners and treats the new partner with the same amount of misogynistic garbage....does the child still internalize that?

          Comment


          • #6
            I would tell him flat out that if thinks kid is going to believe anything he says 13 years after he abandons her then he has another think coming.

            Ok don’t say that, that’s stooping to his level. As far as your daughter is concerned, you tell her dad is busy or whatever the case may be. There are always going to be assholes out there and for some of us they are our parents. My mom tried to protect us from our dad who did the same thing—dumped us and ran. We turned out relatively ok. The sad part is these dicks never change. It is extremely difficult to spend time with my father now as a result but I suck it up and do it. Raise your daughter with better morals and a sense of kindness.

            As for him, ignore ignore ignore. It will be difficult but its possible.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by iona6656 View Post

              Do you think your ex ever behaves this way to his girlfriend when your daughter is around?

              I wonder what happens if my ex re-partners and treats the new partner with the same amount of misogynistic garbage....does the child still internalize that?
              No, I don’t think so. At least I hope not. He wasn’t like that to me when we were together, which is part of the reason I got with him. My relationship previous to him was very abusive-verbally, mentally, and physically. After I got out of that and met him, he was such a likable, nice guy- he seemed like a “safe” option. I should of stayed single and worked through it on my own, but I was still young.


              What I am more worried about is his lack of honesty and manipulative ways having an effect on her. He doesn’t seem to have proper social skills or any idea on what is appropriate in social settings. When she was born I later found out that he told his employer (for reasons unknown to me) that I had given birth to twins. For months apparently he told his employer that the “one twin” (the child that didn’t exist) was extremely sick. He used this as an excuse to get out of work constantly. Looking back I now understand why he always discouraged me from coming to company functions with our daughter, or meeting his fellow employees. He finally came to me and told me this story because it was stressing him out at work because the lie had gone too far and he was in too deep. Instead of coming clean to his employer, he decided the only way to “end it” was for him to tell everyone at work that the “sick twin” had succumbed to her illness and passed away.

              To say that this incident was a very strong factor in my decision to end our relationship is an understatement.

              Comment


              • #8
                holy shit. that is insane....

                I've actually talked with my therapist on ways to deal with my ex's manipulative/negative behaviour with our daughter. She says it's two fold.

                1. If d3 comes to me and asks or tells me something about what is said to her- e.g. "Uncle K (ex BIL) says that mama doesn't let me see dada" or "Dada said mama is fat. Mama- are you fat?" [that one almost made me laugh] - I'm just supposed to ask how it makes her feel. And if she says anything but "sad/worried/scared" etc...just distract and focus on how much I love her.

                2. If it starts to make her feed sad or upset - I'm supposed to model emotional responsibility for her- and teach her how to take responsibility for her feelings. This is as she gets older though. If they're young- it's distract with love mostly.

                Comment


                • #9
                  You don’t have to say much to your child other than the bare minimum truth. Kids are smart. They quickly figure things out for themselves.
                  Kid: Where’s dad?
                  Mom: I don’t know
                  Kid : when will I see him again?
                  Mom: I don’t know
                  Kid: can I call him?
                  Mom: sure. (Hands phone to kid and dials number)
                  Kid: there’s no answer
                  Mom: leave a message
                  Kid leaves message, dad never calls back.

                  13 years later dad messages kid over Facebook messenger asking to meet and reconnect and goes into long tirade about how mom stopped him
                  From seeing kid

                  Adult child messages back for dad not to berate mom who raised him and dad to take responsibility for his own actions otherwise he will be blocked

                  Dad replies with another tirade aimed at mom.
                  Kid blocks dad.

                  True story

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                    Ex bought a backpack for our child a few weeks ago. Ok, cool, thanks for the contribution. While doing some shopping with her, daughter sees a backpack with a character from a movie she is currently obsessed with and begs me to buy it.

                    At which point you said


                    "You already have a backpack for this year, but why don't we get you a different item that you might like?"


                    Just kidding, you had a chance to stick it to dad and you took it. Not saying that the dad didn't deserve it, but don't pretend that you were completely virtuous here.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Janus View Post
                      but don't pretend that you were completely virtuous here.
                      No pretending here. This had zero malicious intent.

                      Because her dad for some reason refuses to keep some belongings for our daughter at his house, I quite often end up with duplicates of things (see above bike story). When he showed up with the new bag he did not say “I bought D5 a new school backpack to be used exclusively for school” he said “Here, I bought her a new bag”.
                      For further reference, for about 2 months prior to this I had been sending her to her dad’s with her clothes in a plastic grocery bag as her backpack from the previous school year was getting worse for wear and the zipper on it was completely broken.
                      That day we were out shopping and she started yelling in excitement at the sight of this other backpack, my thoughts were in no way “Ya, let’s stick it to dad”. I was thinking “holy cow she’s really flipping out over this backpack- I will splurge and get it because it would be nice to have one for school and one for weekends away- that way she always has one come Monday’s in case the other one gets forgotten at his house or something”

                      Believe me, the only way I am trying to think of how to “stick it to dad” is how to get him to pay proper CS. I got bigger fish to fry than backpacks.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        A situation like that usually arises from a case that is or has been high-conflict at one time. Those cases suck!

                        I understand how it happened in the moment in the store with your daughter, how you bought it, no malicious intent.

                        I also understand how Dad receiving that photo with a different backpack would make him feel/see it the way he did.

                        He definitely let his emotions get the best of him, said things he should not have.

                        That "twins, lying to his employer" story is insane!!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Your ex sounds unstable. Probably why he is your ex. You have done nothing wrong. It's not even about a kids backpack. It's about an unstable parent that believes in punishing his own child for a perceived s!ight from another adult. Only a nutbar dad would do this. So he is pissed off at you and thinks not seeing his child is the correct thing to do. I bet he holds this threat over your head always. My ex used to threaten this as well. Like you I used to worry about how to explain to my kids the day their dad stopped seeing them. They do this as a form of control and because they are just nuts. They know that as moms, the best way to hurt us is through our kids The day came for me. He stopped seeing them in 2014. I told them the truth. Dad is not well and not making the right choices. He loves you very much. Of everything I have endured in this long drawn out divorce, the most painful is any of this kind of shit that affects my kids. Thanks Don't worry about trying to explain it years from now. Be the stable and loving parent despite the crap. Sorry for what you are going through.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                            Ex bought a backpack for our child a few weeks ago. Ok, cool, thanks for the contribution.
                            Let's focus on your rather sarcastic "go f#$% yourself" attitude there towards the father's purchasing of t a backpack. It's not a contribution. It's not a material thing. It's more than that. It was the first backpack your child's father bought it for her. Obviously not a great deal to you, but a big deal for child and dad.

                            Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                            So I think to myself, ok, we use more practical bag for school and one dad bought for sleepovers at grandparents and his parenting time. Reasonable? I thought so.
                            Unreasonable. See my comment above.

                            Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                            First day of school, I take the typical first day picture, and automatically text it to her dad for him to see as well.
                            Hey look at this picture! I totally disregarded the backpack you bought and bought another one. Guess she won't be going back to school with the bag you bought for her afteral, sucker!!

                            Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                            I immediately get a message back berating me
                            What did you expect him to say? Thank you for not allowing our child to take to school the bag that I got for him ?


                            Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                            It’s going to break her heart if I ever have to tell her she won’t be able to see him anymore.
                            I doubt he actually would. I think he's just pissed off and knows this threat pisses you off and just wants to piss you off and get back at you for what you did to him this first day of school.

                            Originally posted by Selfrepmom View Post
                            Anybody have any age appropriate explanations they have used to tell a child that one parent has left the picture?(she is 5) Trying to prepare myself for the worst.
                            Or, just don't get upset about and replace significant items the father of your child buys for your child. This is one of the things my ex was lectured about by OCL and reunification counselling.

                            A more child focused approach here is clearly to not take the child backpack shopping when child already has one, and to let child know they already have a lovely backpack that their father got for them for school.


                            I personally, got an clause in my agreement that we take turns with back to school shopping. And I'm really glad I got it.

                            Comment

                            Our Divorce Forums
                            Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                            Working...
                            X