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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11  
Old 09-20-2019, 06:42 PM
Helpmyspouse Helpmyspouse is offline
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Your post made me cry happy tears. I'm so glad it worked out. I wish you peace. Your daughter is so lucky to have a dad like you.
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  #12  
Old 10-02-2019, 08:47 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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Hello all! Well, this road is not getting any easier. It looks like my daughter is turning out like her mother. She puts on a face and tells you what you want to hear, but then avoids you like the devil. My eldest daughter had her baby shower over the weekend (YAY!! I'm going to be a grandfather in about 6 weeks). My ex, her mother and my daughters put it on at their grandmother's home. My family and girlfriend were invited. Of course all my family went, but it was not a welcoming home to say the least. All my family showed class and solidarity for my pregnant daughter. There was no animosity from my family what so ever, but there were plenty of cold shoulders towards them. My youngest daughter (whom I've been trying to have a relationship with) completely avoided my family and disappeared. Now she's not returning my calls, texts or seeing me. I am going to the house on the daily going forward until she see's me, but her mother is playing defense and allowing her to avoid me. My daughter has been dealing with depression since our separation and spent 2 years in counselling. In the past, I played passive to allow my daughter time to come to me and I've stopped doing that. I want to show her that I'm here (physically) and am willing to work on it... but she won't face it. Her mother is allowing it. The one phrase her mother told me at the beginning of our separation was "don't ask me to help you with your relationship with your daughters. That's up to you to fix it". My biggest problem though, is she has been constantly involving them in our affairs. Telling them half truths and avoiding me. I had my second daughter tell me that she had to leave the house and move out on her own, because her mother wouldn't stop talking about it and it was driving her crazy. She's the only one who's coming around (slowly, but coming around). I never talk about their mother and let them vent if need be. I'm a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and want to help in anyway I can. I want to do something more, but I'm afraid with her being 17 it would just be a waste of money and time (with more heartbreak on my end). I'm thinking about calling her school and talking with her counselor to see if they can help in any way. It's just not natural for a daughter to completely reject her father for no reason! Something is seriously wrong and will back fire on her at some point... I just don't want to wait until something bad happens. Can anyone shed any light? Guidance? Anything? I worry about her all the time. Sorry for the long post. I just had to vent a bit and know there are people on here with exposure and experience in this. I just want to do what's right! Thank you all.
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  #13  
Old 10-02-2019, 09:30 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tired_Dad View Post
Hello all! Well, this road is not getting any easier. It looks like my daughter is turning out like her mother. ....
I did read the rest of your post- but wow. This part here made me go "Ooff"....just saying that she's turning out like her mother, that is alarm bells for me. Our kids ARE like us- both parts- mom and dad. My daughter already has her dad's temper, and I can see she'll probably have some self regulation issues. But if anyone were to say "I guess she's like her dad"- I would shut that shit down immediately. Saying this is saying 1) there is something inherently wrong with her mom (who she loves) and therefore 2) saying there is something wrong with her.

Have you done any counselling yourself?

I'm sorry your family is going through this.

Why did your ex-wife think there your relationships with your daughters needed fixing?
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  #14  
Old 10-02-2019, 10:08 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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I understand why that would come off wrong... I just donít know how to deal with someone who avoids everything in life and expects everything. I donít mean to bash her mother, I really donít. I just know that this is NOT an appropriate way to go through life! Everyone deals with conflict and one point or another. Thatís part of life! I would have assumed that 2 years of counseling and thousands of $ would have given her better tools to cope. The reason their mother said I need to fix my relationship with my daughters is because I left their mother... not them. Unfortunately, their mother saw it appropriate to tell them I left them as well. I did not. I left the house, but not them. Iíve loved 2 blocks away for 2 years and was always there when they needed me. Iíve gone to counseling with a couple of different counselors. I will never tell them what I feel about their mother, but I need to help them. I love my daughter and thereís no good reason for her to push me away. She will grow up resenting whatís gone on, and I donít want her to feel guilty or resentful. I need to help my daughter through whatever sheís going through, even if she ends up being mad at me. Iím a father, not a friend and want to do whatís best for her.
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  #15  
Old 10-02-2019, 10:48 AM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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You need to focus on what you can control and let the rest go. You can keep trying to make contact with your daughter. You have no control over how she reacts, if she ignores you or pushes you away. That is 100% on her shoulders and there are natural consequences that flow from her behaviour that are out of your control. All you can do at this point is not give up and continue to pursue a relationship.

Sheís also a teenager, for whom it is a natural life stage anyway to want to minimize any form of relationship with a parent. Pulling away is normal for teens. Their brains arenít fully developed until theyíre 25. If you donít give up she will eventually come around. As for her being just like your ex. You are probably both right and wrong in that regard. She likely is copying your exís response to stressful situations by ignoring you. Kids are like sponges and do mimic adults. On the other hand she is not your ex and with maturity she will develop her own coping mechanisms and responses independent of your ex.

My ex was abusive to the kids and I. One of my children in particular, now that they are a teen, are unconsciously mimicking his verbal abuse and threats when stressed. So much so the others comment and say this child is just like dad. With counselling and me reacting in a consistent limit setting manner, this child is slowly coming around ( they have also been diagnosed with PTSD).
Point is your daughter is not her mother and will come around if you donít give up.
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  #16  
Old 10-02-2019, 11:28 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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As long as your kids are in her home they will continue to avoid you as it prevents continued issues with their mother. You continuing to force jt makes it worse as they get a reprieve with you but then go back to it.

Stop forcing it. Let them know you are there and let them come to you. By trying to make them do what you want you are pushing them away. This behaviour is to make YOU feel better not them. Your ex will continue to play this game as long as she knows it bothers you but all you are doing is hurting the kids. Take a break and let them figure it out. They arenít hiding or avoiding anything. They are working in self preservation mode. To avoid the abuse from their mother they avoid you. They wonít stand up to her because they live with her and they have an emotional attachment. She makes them feel bad for caring about you and they want that to stop. Unfortunately that means hiding in their safe bubble and avoiding everything.

I strongly encourage you to read ďa familys heartbreakĒ by mike jeffries.
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  #17  
Old 10-02-2019, 12:50 PM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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rockscan - I understand where you're coming from and feel that you may be right. I will never give up on my girls, but cannot push a relationship that's not wanted. It been voiced and I need to respect her decision. She's not a 9 year old anymore and she must have thought about this long and hard. I will try and see her one last time tonight, but if the results are the same... I'm done for a while. I'm only hurting myself and that's not healthy. I've been suffering with this for a long time now and I need to let it go. Move forward and pray that one day she will come around. I thank you all for your kind words and advice. I will have to say goodbye to my little girl for a while and it breaks my heart. This has got to be one of the saddest days I've had in a long time. Thanks again!
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  #18  
Old 10-02-2019, 01:09 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Read that book. It was eye opening for my husband.

Plus you can continue to message her, call, text etc but just as a ďhey thinking about you, know that I love youĒ kind of thing.
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