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  • Claiming undue hardship... don't want to, but...

    Here's the thing. My husband has 2 girls, I have 1 daughter from previous relationships. 25% of our monthly take home goes to child support for his daughters. Before we were together, this meant that he lived in a tiny apartment and had a "bachelor" life, and would see his girls for "fun outings" and a few sleepovers a week. The girls were young and didn't have their own rooms, and brought their own "supplies" from Mom's house.

    When we moved in together, we got a townhouse. His girls shared a room and my daughter had her own room. We started to accumulate all of the furnishings, clothing, toys, accessories the girls needed to have a second "home" as opposed to "just visiting dad's house". We both strongly felt that everyone should have a second home, and not have to pack a suitcase for a "visit".

    We have always been stretched to, or past the limit- we both work full time and thankfully don't have any childcare expenses. What we do have, though, is girls who are living in two seperate worlds and have become resentful of coming to dad's house, because the standard of living is so drastically different than Mom's. We try and do fun activities- most free or low cost- hikes, camping, picnics, renting movies, swimming at the community pools, skating at the rink, etc. This doesn't compare to daily shopping and buying and trips to theme parks and fun vacations. The girls are old enough now that they voice their displeasure and it seems that at every turn they are disappointed that they don't, or can't, have any number of "things" (new clothes, new gadgets, more stuff, exciting trips, etc) It is to the point where they don't want to visit because it's "boring" and "why can't we just go out for dinner/to the movies/on a day trip/on vacation/buy CDs/go shopping)

    We have always said that we were happy to pay CS in the amount we've always paid (no court order, but slightly above table guidelines as dh's income varies year to year and we never wanted to alter the "paycheque" as bm calls it.

    The trouble is that bm's boyfriend moved in with her a few months ago. He makes about 70,000. Bm works a few hours every day, and makes 15,000. Since they have not lived together for a year, she is still receiving substantial CTB and GST payments, because her solo income is so low. She rents out 2 of her bedrooms which brings in double what she needs to pay in rent. She babysits on the side, bringing in an additional 600$ month under the table. As well as the child support. Bottom line, (and kudos to her!) she has a LOT of disposable income.

    We barely make ends meet. The kids have 2 different realities. When we listened to oldest dd's requests and decided to turn the basement into her bedroom so that she wouldn't have to share, we discussed with her that it would take some time. We need to find second hand furniture through kijiji and garage sales, we need to scrimp for paint and supplies, it would take awhile.

    Their mother is appalled and has called on several occasions asking what the holdup is, and that we should finish the job and stop disappointing her every time she comes over and her room isn't ready.

    The girls want to partake in dance classes or other extra curriculars, which we cannot afford... and mom will say that it's up to dad and until he can pay for it they cannot attend. We would love them to! And would be there and drive them to and from lessons. We simply can't afford it.

    We can't keep up. That's not to say that we want to provide the same standard of living as it would be impossible, but the discrepancy between our two houses is ridiculous, and it is making such a huge strain on our time together.

    For all of the talk of having "two different houses, two different parents, things are different for every family" we have girls that are getting older and just plain don't want to visit- we don't want to go on exotic vacations but I would love to be able to go out for dinner once a month or take the whole family to the movies. Right now we barely make ends meet and dh will sometimes say "it would be better if we lived in a tiny apartment and they only visited sometimes." It seems impossible to create a home with all of the necessities for all the children, as well as sending out that money every month.

    At what point do you say "You don't NEED this much income?" Or do you just wade through and try to explain it to them when they are adults?

  • #2
    You don't say how old the girls are, not that it totally matters, but as a parent I think they are being spoiled a little too much. And I spoil my kids too, and there is an element of competition whether we like it or not, we like our kids to be as happy or happier at our place as they are at the witch's.

    I do think they need a talking to about what a budget is, and what reasonable limits are, and without criticizing their mum, you should explain to them that they have to decide if they want dance lessons OR dinner out 3x a week, they can't get both. And if mum was to cut out the restaurants that might mean money for lessons. Same thing with renovating the basement.

    My daughter is 12 and I've had some gentle talks with her about things like that and she's been receptive and sympathetic. She understood that when she wanted to move up to competative swimming it cost more and she had to give something up. I've explained to her that the cost of a movie and popcorn would also pay for such and such, so let's choose. She gets it, even though it is hard sometimes.

    If the original family were still together then everyone would go out maybe once a month and the rest of the time stay in and watch a show on tv or play a board game and that would life, like it or not. With the family split up there is a tendancy to want to compete for the children's attention, and we all do it to some extent, or else wish we could. I'm not out to blame their mum here, even if she may deserve it, it's a human emotion that's driving her. Even so, the kids shouldn't grow up with an attitude of entitlement, or with the thought that "budget" is a word from some foreign language.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by kassie22 View Post
      Their mother is appalled and has called on several occasions asking what the holdup is, and that we should finish the job and stop disappointing her every time she comes over and her room isn't ready.
      Tell the mother to mind her own business.


      Originally posted by kassie22 View Post
      The girls want to partake in dance classes or other extra curriculars, which we cannot afford... and mom will say that it's up to dad and until he can pay for it they cannot attend. We would love them to! And would be there and drive them to and from lessons. We simply can't afford it.
      So don't - if both parents decide that they can't afford the extra stuff (which it seems mom is saying and so is dad), then they can't / don't want to afford it, so that is that.

      The problem is the relationship with the children. If my kids complained like that I would be their parent and I would set them straight on what is reasonable. The 'cheap' activities that you describe sound great to me. They can do the other stuff when they are at their moms. Maybe they will learn to appreciate the activities, which is the way it should be, meaning that their father should have an influence on their up bringing and how to be happy.

      What sucks is that you feel the need to 'compete' with the lifestyle at mom's so that the girsl want to be at your house. That is not the right attitude - your husband is their father and should have the right to see them and raise them as he sees fit even if they would rather shop with mom all the time. You are not there to entertain them, you are there to raise them.

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      • #4
        It is a very discouraging feeling when you can't seem to please pre-teens or teens no matter
        what you plan. We are going through similar things here too. Their visits have dwindled
        because they don't like the agenda we planned- going to the cottage or heaven forbid we
        stay around the house for thw weekend. Their mom is so irresponsible with money that she
        uses the money to spoil the kids and take them on vacations instead of putting a roof over
        their head. She lives expense free with relatives. We can't compete either. But the whole idea
        Is that no matter what you do it will never be enough for them. Save your sanity and gracefully
        bow out of the competition. One day you can hope they respect you for being financially responsible
        The ex sounds angry and controlling. She is part of the problem with the kids' attitude. Maybe an email
        To her about it could help.

        Comment


        • #5
          Our kids ages are 17, 11 and 8. Mine is 17 and his are 11 and 8. We have been a family since the kids were 15, 9, and 6. In the beginning it was rough trust me. My 15 year old was spoiled being an only child, she was used to getting what she wanted, and his 2 have a mother who would rather be their friend than a parent. It took some time for everyone to adjust to the new family dynamics. Our situation, did not involve luxuries like vacations, instead it was simple things like tv time. My stepson gets to watch tv as much as he wants at his mom's house, the same with the use of the computer for games, so being young he assumed the routine was the same at his dad's house. They have a shared parenting agreement so the kids spend one week on and week off at each house. Well in the beginning he was very surprised that at his dad’s house he has to earn tv and computer time, we reward with tokens. Once you receive so many you can cash them in for tv and computer time, a movie, etc... At first he was not receptive to this and would say things like I want to be at mom’s house so his dad sat him down and talked with him. He simply asked his son if tv and computer time was more important to him than spending time with his dad and his family members. His son said no and that he loved his dad and that tv was not that important even though he missed it. The token system has in the last year flourished in our house with both kids earning lots of tokens, yet we have both noticed that the children rarely cash them in for tv or computer time. Both kids accept that they have certain responsibilities like making their beds, putting their laundry away and we have even implemented a chore day (sat) where everyone pitches in and does the chores so that we can relax for the rest of the weekend and go to the park or play board games. Everything takes time but I have always believed that kids need limits and expectations placed upon them with love and guidance, so far so good. This wisdom came from my own mistakes with my child when she was young. Doing much better the second time around.

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          • #6
            I almost forgot, we have also addressed the issue of comparing their 2 homes. I used to get compared to their mom lots. So one day after reaching my limit with this I asked my step-son how he would feel if I compared everything he did all the time to how his friends did things. He told me he would not like it. I then asked him how he thinks it makes me feel to be compared to his mom, he got it instantly and said he was sorry. Kids do understand things but you have to put it in their prespective and it has to be relatable. I still burn food at supper time but now he just grins and tells me its ok, he likes it that way, lol

            Comment

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