Here's the thing. My husband has 2 girls, I have 1 daughter from previous relationships. 25% of our monthly take home goes to child support for his daughters. Before we were together, this meant that he lived in a tiny apartment and had a "bachelor" life, and would see his girls for "fun outings" and a few sleepovers a week. The girls were young and didn't have their own rooms, and brought their own "supplies" from Mom's house.
When we moved in together, we got a townhouse. His girls shared a room and my daughter had her own room. We started to accumulate all of the furnishings, clothing, toys, accessories the girls needed to have a second "home" as opposed to "just visiting dad's house". We both strongly felt that everyone should have a second home, and not have to pack a suitcase for a "visit".
We have always been stretched to, or past the limit- we both work full time and thankfully don't have any childcare expenses. What we do have, though, is girls who are living in two seperate worlds and have become resentful of coming to dad's house, because the standard of living is so drastically different than Mom's. We try and do fun activities- most free or low cost- hikes, camping, picnics, renting movies, swimming at the community pools, skating at the rink, etc. This doesn't compare to daily shopping and buying and trips to theme parks and fun vacations. The girls are old enough now that they voice their displeasure and it seems that at every turn they are disappointed that they don't, or can't, have any number of "things" (new clothes, new gadgets, more stuff, exciting trips, etc) It is to the point where they don't want to visit because it's "boring" and "why can't we just go out for dinner/to the movies/on a day trip/on vacation/buy CDs/go shopping)
We have always said that we were happy to pay CS in the amount we've always paid (no court order, but slightly above table guidelines as dh's income varies year to year and we never wanted to alter the "paycheque" as bm calls it.
The trouble is that bm's boyfriend moved in with her a few months ago. He makes about 70,000. Bm works a few hours every day, and makes 15,000. Since they have not lived together for a year, she is still receiving substantial CTB and GST payments, because her solo income is so low. She rents out 2 of her bedrooms which brings in double what she needs to pay in rent. She babysits on the side, bringing in an additional 600$ month under the table. As well as the child support. Bottom line, (and kudos to her!) she has a LOT of disposable income.
We barely make ends meet. The kids have 2 different realities. When we listened to oldest dd's requests and decided to turn the basement into her bedroom so that she wouldn't have to share, we discussed with her that it would take some time. We need to find second hand furniture through kijiji and garage sales, we need to scrimp for paint and supplies, it would take awhile.
Their mother is appalled and has called on several occasions asking what the holdup is, and that we should finish the job and stop disappointing her every time she comes over and her room isn't ready.
The girls want to partake in dance classes or other extra curriculars, which we cannot afford... and mom will say that it's up to dad and until he can pay for it they cannot attend. We would love them to! And would be there and drive them to and from lessons. We simply can't afford it.
We can't keep up. That's not to say that we want to provide the same standard of living as it would be impossible, but the discrepancy between our two houses is ridiculous, and it is making such a huge strain on our time together.
For all of the talk of having "two different houses, two different parents, things are different for every family" we have girls that are getting older and just plain don't want to visit- we don't want to go on exotic vacations but I would love to be able to go out for dinner once a month or take the whole family to the movies. Right now we barely make ends meet and dh will sometimes say "it would be better if we lived in a tiny apartment and they only visited sometimes." It seems impossible to create a home with all of the necessities for all the children, as well as sending out that money every month.
At what point do you say "You don't NEED this much income?" Or do you just wade through and try to explain it to them when they are adults?
When we moved in together, we got a townhouse. His girls shared a room and my daughter had her own room. We started to accumulate all of the furnishings, clothing, toys, accessories the girls needed to have a second "home" as opposed to "just visiting dad's house". We both strongly felt that everyone should have a second home, and not have to pack a suitcase for a "visit".
We have always been stretched to, or past the limit- we both work full time and thankfully don't have any childcare expenses. What we do have, though, is girls who are living in two seperate worlds and have become resentful of coming to dad's house, because the standard of living is so drastically different than Mom's. We try and do fun activities- most free or low cost- hikes, camping, picnics, renting movies, swimming at the community pools, skating at the rink, etc. This doesn't compare to daily shopping and buying and trips to theme parks and fun vacations. The girls are old enough now that they voice their displeasure and it seems that at every turn they are disappointed that they don't, or can't, have any number of "things" (new clothes, new gadgets, more stuff, exciting trips, etc) It is to the point where they don't want to visit because it's "boring" and "why can't we just go out for dinner/to the movies/on a day trip/on vacation/buy CDs/go shopping)
We have always said that we were happy to pay CS in the amount we've always paid (no court order, but slightly above table guidelines as dh's income varies year to year and we never wanted to alter the "paycheque" as bm calls it.
The trouble is that bm's boyfriend moved in with her a few months ago. He makes about 70,000. Bm works a few hours every day, and makes 15,000. Since they have not lived together for a year, she is still receiving substantial CTB and GST payments, because her solo income is so low. She rents out 2 of her bedrooms which brings in double what she needs to pay in rent. She babysits on the side, bringing in an additional 600$ month under the table. As well as the child support. Bottom line, (and kudos to her!) she has a LOT of disposable income.
We barely make ends meet. The kids have 2 different realities. When we listened to oldest dd's requests and decided to turn the basement into her bedroom so that she wouldn't have to share, we discussed with her that it would take some time. We need to find second hand furniture through kijiji and garage sales, we need to scrimp for paint and supplies, it would take awhile.
Their mother is appalled and has called on several occasions asking what the holdup is, and that we should finish the job and stop disappointing her every time she comes over and her room isn't ready.
The girls want to partake in dance classes or other extra curriculars, which we cannot afford... and mom will say that it's up to dad and until he can pay for it they cannot attend. We would love them to! And would be there and drive them to and from lessons. We simply can't afford it.
We can't keep up. That's not to say that we want to provide the same standard of living as it would be impossible, but the discrepancy between our two houses is ridiculous, and it is making such a huge strain on our time together.
For all of the talk of having "two different houses, two different parents, things are different for every family" we have girls that are getting older and just plain don't want to visit- we don't want to go on exotic vacations but I would love to be able to go out for dinner once a month or take the whole family to the movies. Right now we barely make ends meet and dh will sometimes say "it would be better if we lived in a tiny apartment and they only visited sometimes." It seems impossible to create a home with all of the necessities for all the children, as well as sending out that money every month.
At what point do you say "You don't NEED this much income?" Or do you just wade through and try to explain it to them when they are adults?
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