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At this rate, he'll be a widower before I'm divorced :(

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  • At this rate, he'll be a widower before I'm divorced :(

    Hi all.

    I was married for 20 years (with him for 22). We brought 2 beautiful daughters into this world. When we split, in order to keep costs low, we had a "unofficial" agreement which worked until we needed a formal one as part of the payout of his portion of equity in the house. He took the cheque but did not leave behind the paperwork he was supposed to (insurance, tax returns, etc.). Changes that he had made in the official agreement were never adhered to either. Promises of providing proof of life insurance (for the girls' sake..not mine.. no spousal support of any kind for me..I'm independent dammit!) were repeatedly met with "stick it you know where".

    That he rarely bothers with the girls (he lives 10 mins. away) breaks my heart, especially when I read about all the fathers that would kill to spend extra time with their kids. He's sent them to school with no food, when the youngest was 4, he sent her to school with no mittens on the coldest day of the year (bless the teacher for giving up hers), never available when the girls were sick (most of my vacation was used for that), but he claimed to love his daughters more than anything. (I will say here that it turns out he has 3 other children - from before we met - that I knew nothing about all those years...the eldest showed up at the door just as we were splitting up). Clearly he never paid a penny for any of those children.

    Child support was always, over the past 7 years, $350 a month..period. At the time of the "official" agreement, his own lawyer admitted he was "under employed". He'd eliminated the clothing allowance of $300 in spring and fall each year from the "official "agreement, claiming he'd "buy the girls whatever they needed" - silly me..I honestly believed he'd do them right - then he conveniently forgot about his commitment.

    I had to remortgage twice to try and deal with the $6,000 daycare costs and other expenses..so be it. You deal with what you're dealt, right?

    After YEARS of continuously requesting proof of income/insurance coverage and being told you know what, my sister lent me money to start divorce proceedings. Keeping a roof over the kids heads, etc. had always been more of a priority than legal fees. Besides, it wasn't like I even had a relationship to "inspire" me to get one..he did, I didn't.

    On being served legal papers, he (who has now been living with someone else for almost 7 years, has his own store (with a $60,000 line of credit!) and a house with her - which he claims he pays her rent of $750 a month for lol) feigns surprise at my actions - as per his lawyer, he can't understand why I have blindsided him so! He immediately springs to action (because now he's going to have to incur lawyer fees himself) and "distracts" from the matter by calling CAS because, after asking my daughter really nicely 5 times to clean her room over a week, I decided to raise my voice a little (I don't yell..maybe I should've all along, but there was never any need..the kids ARE good). Of course I was found "innocent" of the charge. But it hurt...big time. Never in a cajillion years did I think I would EVER be a CAS file.

    He refuses to provide proof of all his bank accounts, claiming it would cost him $240 for his personal chequing account records (like my $2,000 retainer wasn't much??!). When some documentation finally IS received, it's obvious his financial statements are false (TONS of personal expenses, no cash deposits, a salary draw of $39,000 which was not reflected as such, meals out, etc.). He repeatedly contacts my lawyer directly, pleading poverty and income of only $16,000 - HAR!. Meanwhile I provide all documents requested..openly...mistakenly thinking the judge will do the right thing by the girls. The judge even had me go out and obtain (at additional expense) copies of ALL daycare receipts since we split.. $25,000 in total over the years. Tax deduction be damned. I'd rather have had more of the $ in my pocket to provide for the girls, had he been more "participative" in spending time with them.

    The case conference was a TOTAL joke. My lawyer didn't say a peep. The judge suggested my ex take the girls for a month over the summer..ha! He wasn't taken to task over his lies in his financials. The judge said he would only accept daycare from when the papers were filed - Had I known that I would've prostituted myself to have gotten things going sooner!!! The judge only allowed $400 retro for day care. He said the ex should pay $1,000 of my legal fees (outside the court, the ex refused and wouldn't sign off..tick tock tick tock @ big bucks.. I HAD to cave..MY legal fees alone were over $5,000 by this point thanks to him).

    He scored when he ended up with the duty counsel for a lawyer. He got the "ball buster" I should've had. And it only cost him $2,500 (which he whined about). Mine was just a business-like looking mouse in a nice suit. I was steam rolled that day. No "justice" for my daughters. He immediately left court July 31 and cancelled his August 1 child support, preferring to wait till FRO kicked in (..and leaving me to deal with $600 a month summer daycare costs, back to school expenses, etc.) I didn't see a penny from FRO till December, and it was nowhere near what it should've been..I got $852..none of the retro child support, etc. owing ($2,400). Yup, he loves his daughters all right.

    He picks the girls up Saturday mornings @ 9 (which pretty much eliminates a PT job for me on those kid-free weekends atm, but they are getting older and can surely soon be left alone for an hour). They either sit around his store or he leaves them alone at his house! Wow.. quality time with Dad. He often dumps them at his friends' Saturday nights so he and his GF can go out to the bars/parties. They're miserable when they get home, especially when they hear of the fun their friends had over the weekend.

    He's been in contempt of the court order (failing to provide proof of insurance as of Sept. 15 last year - I had to BEG the girl at the insurance company to just say "yes" or "no" last year) and for not providing proof of income as of June 1/08. I'll be filing papers soon, I hope. I found out last week that it turns out he's also behind in child support too, besides the retro. 2 months worth..my $2,000 overdraft is in overdraft. Meanwhile, he put up a fence around the entire backyard, partied it up, went on vacation. His business is doing very well..how can it not @ $35 an hour for lessons?

    My so called "lawyer" has sent my account to collections ($2,800 - according to her) remains - the last bill I saw was $1,300 after the joke conference and I scrapped together $300 in the spring towards that - my tax refund bought my bank account balance back to zero for a millisecond), my credit is toast..I've got nothing left. The house needed a new roof LAST year, the furnace is on it's last legs and heating season's rapidly approaching. The house is now mortgaged for more than was paid for it. And after all of that, I'm still not divorced. ((

    I was raised to be self-sufficient and responsible, ALWAYS did the right thing.. 8 years ago I was told things got BETTER..why am I in absolute hell now, then?

    I don't think I can do this anymore..I'm drowning. Totally at my wit's end. Right now I feel like I failed my kids, I don't even have $5 to my name. I'm by myself (always have been, never got into dating after because the girls always came first..couldn't have afforded a sitter anyways to go out and good luck finding a fella who has the same kid free weekend as you do :P ). The ONLY thing that kept me from doing something stupid last weekend (kid free) was that I really don't want to have them being "raised" by him. But even tonight, one asked for money for school..and it all came back again.

    BAH! For all the WONDERFUL dads out there who go above and beyond, there's the total opposite. My ex falls in that 69% referred to in the Saturday Toronto Star article. And it's the kids that suffer (although all of my wrinkles/gray hairs thanks to him would say otherwise..I used to be "marketable".. I WAS cute!)

    Thanks for letting me vent..it's been eating away at me since Tuesday when I found out the financial situation..bing, bam, boom...all in the same day. I spent my last toonie on a 6/49.. not even a free ticket

    Oh..btw.. my avatar? It's the last Valentine's Day card he ever gave me. Seemed fitting....somehow. :P

    Thanks again for lending your "ears". If you have ANY ideas, I would REALLY appreciate them.

    Take care.

  • #2
    Firstly, let me just say welcome to the forum.

    I am very sorry to read what you have had to go through trying to get what is right by your children. I too live on a very meagre budget, and just one bump throws everything out of whack, though on the upside I learned how to change the front brakes on my van all by myself (thank you expertvillage!) and saved myself hundreds of dollars that I needed for the kids.
    That being said, I don't have a lot of faith in the court system either, and after trying once with a lawyer that got me diddly-squat, I've decided to represent myself - afterall who could possibly know the facts better than yourself.
    I kept records, notes, a journal of things - if he paid anything, or contacted the kids, etc etc and have maintained this for the 16 months since all hell broke lose in life (long story contained in other posts). What I did.. read, A LOT, between this site, canlii.org, the ontario court website, whatever I could get my hands on to try & familiarize myself with what I need to do.
    The court website has all the forms you could need (the word document files are fillable for neat documents) and re-started the process against my ex.
    While it has cost me money thus far (2 days of lost wages - 3 next week for another court date) thus far I am feeling better about things even though it's only the start of the process (again).
    I took what I learned from the first try - all the things said, the things done to stall everything, learning that (at least this is how I feel) no-one lets you actually SPEAK in court to help your case at all. I've learned to let the facts on paper do the speaking for me, to provide as much detailed information without emotion (yeah, that's a tough one) and hope that the judge understands & 'hears' what I am trying to say.
    Trust me, I understand that things are very difficult, and having to consider yet another battle is not what you want to hear, but perhaps it's time to find a moment to yourself (ok quite a few moments) and read up on things. Court clerks can be quite nice & helpful when it comes to filing documents and providing you with details of what you need, much better than duty council as far as I'm concerned. I was given details today that the duty council had either not told me, although I asked, or had given me completely incorrect information on how to proceed.
    If there are already final documents for CS etc in place, then you may have to start with a motion - be detailed in your request to ensure you don't forget things; for example, in mine I have asked for interim custody & support, notice for access no less than 24 hours (in his rare visits, I get an average of 3 hours notice), and my costs (because he did not provide financial disclosure in the 30 days as required, thus stalling things again).
    Then from that short itemized document, file the affidavit, this is the one where you back up or provide reasons/facts to support your motion - and you avoid adding any emotion to this - just the facts ma'am (heh), also remember that you can add 'exhibits' to the affidavit such as previous orders or agreements and such.

    It's not an easy road to travel, and like you, I also commend those fathers who love their children unconditionally, and despite how they may feel about their ex they do right by their children & do everything they can to help raise them & be in their lives. The world needs more fathers like that.

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    • #3
      You're totally right about not being able to speak. The ex did tho. He leapt out of his chair the second we started spewing vulgarities (which the judge let him spew.. unchecked! as the court clerks looked on in horror!) about me and saying how he had to call in CAS. That sure paints me in a good light, doesn't it? The judge did say he'd have to see the results of CAS's findings but.. I can't help but think the damage was done. The seed was planted.

      We assemble huge piles of documentation, HOPING the judge will read it but as my "waste of $" said, the judge expects the lawyers to have everything worked out before they walk into the courtroom. Grrrrrrrreat. I'm sure that me sitting there in my 7 year old very respectful and respectable outfit and him in his hippy garb and torn jeans (the man is 56!) did nothing to "help" me. I must've looked like a rich biotch. :S

      *breathes*

      Ok, so it's back to square one. And read I will..thank you for providing some alternate sites. Surely one will have some help for nailing down "self-employeds" who can sooo easily hide cash (my youngest told me today he bought himself a jacket on the weekend! *sigh*)

      I've had 8 years of time after time hoping he would do the right thing and yet...nah. That he lost his "meal ticket" at the time..now he's making "me" pay.

      In keeping with your advice, I think I'll get a girlfriend to type up the facts lol...there's TOO much emotion (I fight for others just fine, but when it comes to me...lol.. room to grow I'm too close to this particular situation)

      Bless the creators of this site...and thank you AndrewsKim for your input. Good luck to you, too! *hugs*

      Comment


      • #4
        What I found worked for me to separate the emotions from the facts were to write everything down first, then walk away for a few hours or even a day, then go back and remove the stuff that I knew were from emotions, or edit the emotion to a fact which will support a motion.
        Details details.
        Check your emotions at the door, let him act like the donkey & don't react to the behaviour. While I know this is tough to do, it's a must.
        I wish you all the best, and you're quite welcome

        Comment


        • #5
          I echo the words of "AndrewsKim",
          I too would generate the replies, ok mostly venting, then I would leave it for a day and come back and remove all of the emotion and itemize things to look professional.

          It's hard to keep things in without going crazy, so I vented on the paper, then deleted them away to where it appeared that I was the sane one in all the turmoil.

          Best of luck to you!

          Comment


          • #6
            emotive messages

            Hi there,
            I wish I had seen this about emotion before now!!
            I have been the biggest dummy falling into traps by my ex to be about "emotion".
            He uses every form of mental and physical abuse he can to try to get me to go under so he can take our two children.
            Its been a warzone for 50 months of sheer hell and torture and the only people who win are the lawyers.
            If I tried to tell the story I would be here for hours butsuffice to say the losers are my children and me being so mentally and physically worn down by a man who hides under the guise of wanting the rights to be a dad but in reality is using it to use the children as pawns.
            Thank God it is now becoming apparent to the court and child officers involved but I didn't make my case strong because I let fly with emotion as I lost a child fullterm to start, my ex is very wealthy and has alot of wealthy family he can hid behind including America and Canada.

            Comment

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