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  • #16
    DD - how old are your children? Are they old enough to understand when you tell them that money issues are between you and mom? .... or are they teenagers who are simply playing along with the manipulation?

    Sounds like a lousy situation but I'd do everything I could to separate the money discussions from the child-raising conversations.

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    • #17
      They are teens, and I don't bring up the issue, but their mom does.

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      • #18
        so you are privy to conversations your teens are having with their mother and you have heard the discussion yourself?

        I would hazard a guess that you are being told this by either the kids or the mother. If that is the case then I would stop having that sort of conversation with either of them. You can't control what the mother does but you can control what conversations you involve yourself with. You are complying with the court ordered support and that is that. Discussion of your finances with your children or your ex is inappropriate in my opinion. If she has a problem with it tell her to take you to court. End of discussion with her I'd say.

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        • #19
          I don't have those conversations with the kids, ever. I agree it is inappropriate.

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          • #20
            I've been receiving payments via FRO and I have to say I really enjoy it due to the fact that it takes the "money" talk out of two people who are now exes. Money is one of the most common things fought over by two people who are in, or have been in a relationship with each other. There is no more "he said/she said". If you plan on paying on time regulary, I don't see why you wouldn't use this as an option. I have friends who don't use it and end up fronting extra money here or there because the mom or dad begs that they "need money for food for the kid" when they're really buying smokes or beer. Or the recipient can try and use the money owed to them as leverage on the other parents access (which, I may add is TERRIBLY WRONG) but it does happen. It seems like an extreme measure but to have a 3rd party involved can be really helpful!

            Also, a notice of arrears can be sent, but they offer the chance to set a reasonable payback method before any enforcement actions are taken. It took me almost 2 years to start getting regular payments and the payor didn't go above and beyond to get that money started. He still has his license and was able to pay it off at a comfortable pace as long as he kept in contact with them.

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            • #21
              then apply to have your support amount changed. Easy as that. No need for lawyers, just go to the ontario court forms and file a 15b, I believe it is called. a motion to change support amount. If your circumstances change, you should be doing so anyways. Your ex can't fight that. If you're not making the money, it isn't there. They can't squeeze blood from a stone. It's your responsibility to make sure you alert the courts of any income changes.

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              • #22
                Teens can be highly manipulative when it comes to affection and THINGS. I have been amused to watch a friend go through these trying years with her two teenagers. She tries desperately to be stern and not give them everything they want. She craters just about every time.

                Sounds like your kids have your number. They are old enough to know exactly what they are doing. Kids talk to each other at school about how they get their parents to buy things for them. Divorced parents are guilt gold mines.

                I would recommend that when you get the opportunity, have a frank discussion about this with your kids. Tell them you will have this one conversation with them, they can ask you questions and you will answer them, but after that the topic will remain closed as money issues are a matter between you and their mother. Use the time to dispel any incorrect information they have been told but at the same time let them know that you are on to their game and that you will not be made to feel guilty and certainly will not "buy" their respect.

                They are going to be young adults before you know it. Maybe it's time to start relating to them in that manner. Some kids are forced to grow up fast, particularly kids that have been in the throws of divorce.

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                • #23
                  I totally agree with Arabian. If they are already being dragged into the "money" issues then explain plainly whatever your situation is. Don't badmouth your ex, don't even talk about her. Just explain what you want them to know but do not even reference your ex. Cut her out of it and take the high road. Ask them if they have any questions and answer them as honestly and kindly as possible. Correct any incorrect info without speaking poorly about your ex. Assure them that you are always there to answer any questions they may have. The FRO has been a very good thing for many of my friends. There is virtually no reason to contact the ex if the FRO is dealing with the $.

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