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Dealing with bully exh not abiding by Christmas schedule in separation agreement

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  • Dealing with bully exh not abiding by Christmas schedule in separation agreement

    Exh is a bully. I made many concessions during marriage and since separation to keep the peace and avoid conflict with him. I'm tired of it.

    In our separation agreement (SA) for xmas, parent 1 gets kids 12pm xmas eve to 12pm xmas day, and parent 2 gets them 12pm xmas day to 7pm box day. Then this alternates every year. However, because his family celebrates xmas eve, we verbally agreed that I'd let him have the kids on my years that I have them xmas eve. This year, is my year again as parent 1 with xmas eve. Usually he discusses with me first, but this year he did not ask me about xmas eve. He assumed he has them on my day. I asked to have them back from him earlier, at 7:30pm instead of 9pm, because of i have plans with them. He said maybe and doesn't care about my plans. When I was assertive and said, i'd like to firm up plans, he responded with no and he'd have them back at 9pm.



    He said its his family tradition every year since the kids were born and doesn't want to cut it short for my plans. My family tradition since the kids were born is to celebrate every xmas day dinner but i'm abiding by the agreement and move my tradition to boxing day when its not my year. So, while he gets to celebrate his family tradition on Xmas eve every year, I only get to celebrate my family tradition (which was on Xmas day), every other year. And this year he gets them all xmas day (afternoon and overnight). He usually stays home and does nothing xmas day.

    Tallying up the hours, he will get them 30 hours total, and I, 22 hours total over the 3 days. Plus, he gets almost an extra day because I agreed to let him have the kids overnight the Saturday before xmas, which is my weekend with the kids. He is having a Christmas party that he wants them there for.

    I feel he is being unreasonable and unfair with me. His family tradition is just as important as mine.

    Not sure what to do. Push for 7:30pm. The kids know about our plans and are fine with it. Or leave it this year and amend the agreement to something we can both abide by. But there's nothing that will make him abide by it.

    I am sick of him manipulating and controlling me. This incident is only one of many and of many more to come. How do I deal with such a person?

  • #2
    Im confused.

    On the years when you are supposed to have them on xmas eve, and instead your ex takes them, do you not then do a fair switch and you have them on xmas day? Or does ex take the kids xmas eve and also keep them for his time on xmas day? Since he celebrates xmas eve and you the day, why not just leave it the same every year and he always take them xmas eve and you alsways have them xmas day?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by opticnerve View Post
      In our separation agreement (SA) for xmas, parent 1 gets kids 12pm xmas eve to 12pm xmas day, and parent 2 gets them 12pm xmas day to 7pm box day.
      Then that is what will happen, I do not get the problem. Agreements exist for when the parents are not getting along. If you are getting along, then you make verbal agreements and modify things as you wish. When the parenting relationship breaks down, you have the agreement.

      we verbally agreed that I'd let him have the kids on my years that I have them xmas eve.
      That is nice of you, but it was verbal, so it does not carry anything close to the weight of a written agreement.

      When I was assertive and said, i'd like to firm up plans, he responded with no and he'd have them back at 9pm.
      Dear Ex,

      Our agreement states that I have the kids this year on December 24th at noon. Do you intend to contravene our written separation agreement? If so, please let me know as soon as possible so that I can instruct my lawyer appropriately.

      Sincerely,

      Your loving ex




      He said its his family tradition .... My family tradition.... He usually ....
      Who cares? You have a signed agreement, so you will abide by it and you expect him to as well. If he wants to deviate from the agreement he needs to not be a jerk.

      Keep in mind he will do the same to you, so next year you are going to want the kids for something on his time and he will say no just to prove the point. If Christmas means enough to you to start this, then go for it.

      Tallying up the hours...
      Who cares? You have a signed agreement, so you will abide by it and you expect him to as well. If he wants to deviate from the agreement he needs to not be a jerk.

      I feel he is being unreasonable and unfair with me. His family tradition is just as important as mine.
      Who cares? You have a signed agreement, so you will abide by it and you expect him to as well. If he wants to deviate from the agreement he needs to not be a jerk.

      Not sure what to do. Push for 7:30pm. The kids know about our plans and are fine with it. Or leave it this year and amend the agreement to something we can both abide by.
      You have an agreement, why do you have to amend anything? He should not have signed it if he did not like it.

      But there's nothing that will make him abide by it.
      Of course there is. It is called the legal system. In fact, that is one of the main jobs of the system: to make sure that people abide by agreements that they do not like

      I am sick of him manipulating and controlling me. This incident is only one of many and of many more to come. How do I deal with such a person?
      Stick to the agreement, do not deviate, do not make verbal agreements. You cannot have it both ways. Either you deal with him by modifying the agreement, or you insist that you are following the agreement.

      Stop whining, stop playing the victim card, and just follow the agreement.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by denbigh View Post
        Im confused.

        On the years when you are supposed to have them on xmas eve, and instead your ex takes them, do you not then do a fair switch and you have them on xmas day? Or does ex take the kids xmas eve and also keep them for his time on xmas day? Since he celebrates xmas eve and you the day, why not just leave it the same every year and he always take them xmas eve and you alsways have them xmas day?
        There is no fair switch. The ex takes the kids xmas eve and also keeps them for his time on xmas day.

        I agree. He should keep them every xmas eve, and I, every xmas day. Will be pursuing that with him. Thanks!

        Comment


        • #5
          This is what happens when you deviate from the agreement. Everyone thinks the change is in good faith.....until it isn't.


          My agreement is very similar to yours with the switching and times. I have agreed to switch the odd year, but only if I felt it made sense to me.


          IMO, I would advise your ex that you are willing to agree to them having Christmas Eve, but until 7:30pm. The alternative is that you will abide by the agreement as written. That you've been accommodating of their family plans in the past, and that they should you the same respect.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
            This is what happens when you deviate from the agreement. Everyone thinks the change is in good faith.....until it isn't.


            My agreement is very similar to yours with the switching and times. I have agreed to switch the odd year, but only if I felt it made sense to me.


            IMO, I would advise your ex that you are willing to agree to them having Christmas Eve, but until 7:30pm. The alternative is that you will abide by the agreement as written. That you've been accommodating of their family plans in the past, and that they should you the same respect.
            Exactly. And yes, it is in good faith until it isn't. He said he'd try for 7:30. I will be amending our agreement (verbal and written). Thanks for your feedback.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Janus View Post
              That is nice of you, but it was verbal, so it does not carry anything close to the weight of a written agreement.



              Dear Ex,

              Our agreement states that I have the kids this year on December 24th at noon. Do you intend to contravene our written separation agreement? If so, please let me know as soon as possible so that I can instruct my lawyer appropriately.

              Sincerely,

              Your loving ex




              Who cares? You have a signed agreement, so you will abide by it and you expect him to as well. If he wants to deviate from the agreement he needs to not be a jerk.
              Ha! Exactly. I think I'd like to abide by the written agreement to the letter to avoid this. Thanks for your advice.

              Comment

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