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  • #61
    Make no mistake - I believe your ex is a deadbeat. I'm sure many others agree. You're reading too much into this I think.

    Now you are deflecting and trying to make this a male/female thing.

    When a person starts a thread they are inviting people to express their opinions. You won't agree with everything/everyone.

    It is apparent to me that you have selective reading. An example is my stating you (and I) are enablers. You have decided to take this personally instead of contemplating my message to you which is very simple - If you continue to pay for everything you are letting your ex off the hook and sending a salient message to her that it's okay for her not to pay. Therefore you are enforcing her behavior. She will not pay because she doesn't have to and has no personal consequences for not paying.

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    • #62
      Originally posted by arabian View Post
      Make no mistake - I believe your ex is a deadbeat. I'm sure many others agree. You're reading too much into this I think.

      Now you are deflecting and trying to make this a male/female thing.

      When a person starts a thread they are inviting people to express their opinions. You won't agree with everything/everyone.

      It is apparent to me that you have selective reading. An example is my stating you (and I) are enablers. You have decided to take this personally instead of contemplating my message to you which is very simple - If you continue to pay for everything you are letting your ex off the hook and sending a salient message to her that it's okay for her not to pay. Therefore you are enforcing her behavior. She will not pay because she doesn't have to and has no personal consequences for not paying.
      I know Arabian .. but I stopped paying and things got bad for D5. I didn't keep paying. I'm not sure I'm reading too much in to it more than I flat out disagree.

      Put it this way .. if I stopped paying today and never paid again...neither would she. That's what I'm trying to get across, but I'm not sure Im being listened to.

      Regarding the gender thing....you know more than anyone I don't want to think that way .. but I've read so many threads with moms coming on complaining about how their ex's don't pay anything and I've never once heard them being told they're the reason and that they enabled them. It's always just about what a piece of crap he is. I'm just trying to figure out why the tides turn so much.

      Comment


      • #63
        Well there have been MANY people (male and female) who have been told on this forum that they have to get after their ex's to pay their share, particularly if they haven't voluntarily done so. It is a common theme of many threads on here. People are given detailed advice on how to do it through the court. Perhaps you don't read all of the threads?

        It's just common logic: If you don't request something you aren't going to get it. Assumptions are easily made that the person is content with the way things are going. Also, in your case, your ex is on social assistance so she likely doesn't have alot of excess cash and may think "bonus!" "he's not asking so he obviously doesn't feel the need for me to pay anything." Your ex was well-represented by counsel throughout your litigation and would have been thoroughly advised on these things I would think. Also, you say she is an intelligent, well-educated person (you think should be working at a better-paying job) so it stands to reason.... again logic... that she knows exactly what she is doing by not contributing anything.

        This theme of assumption is common throughout family law and we all warn people to be careful about giving impression that they agree with something by inaction. The same holds true here. If you say nothing to your ex then you are sending a message (loud and clear) to her that you're ok with her not paying anything.

        You will or will not approach her about it. Your choice. Just be aware that by not approaching her you may be setting a precedent of not requiring her to pay anything in the future.

        Comment


        • #64
          Originally posted by arabian View Post
          Well there have been MANY people (male and female) who have been told on this forum that they have to get after their ex's to pay their share, particularly if they haven't voluntarily done so. It is a common theme of many threads on here. People are given detailed advice on how to do it through the court. Perhaps you don't read all of the threads?

          It's just common logic: If you don't request something you aren't going to get it. Assumptions are easily made that the person is content with the way things are going. Also, in your case, your ex is on social assistance so she likely doesn't have alot of excess cash and may think "bonus!" "he's not asking so he obviously doesn't feel the need for me to pay anything." Your ex was well-represented by counsel throughout your litigation and would have been thoroughly advised on these things I would think. Also, you say she is an intelligent, well-educated person (you think should be working at a better-paying job) so it stands to reason.... again logic... that she knows exactly what she is doing by not contributing anything.

          This theme of assumption is common throughout family law and we all warn people to be careful about giving impression that they agree with something by inaction. The same holds true here. If you say nothing to your ex then you are sending a message (loud and clear) to her that you're ok with her not paying anything.

          You will or will not approach her about it. Your choice. Just be aware that by not approaching her you may be setting a precedent of not requiring her to pay anything in the future.
          Yep .. stop making so much sense Arabian. Lol

          I totally should say something. I think I'm a wimp when it comes to her....I just never want to relive what I went through ... I bet unconsciously I feel like she'll do something crazy again and I wont see D5.....I couldn't go through that again. .but I think I need to toughen up.
          Last edited by LovingFather32; 05-19-2017, 02:43 PM.

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          • #65
            Remember - she is the one who couldn't be bothered to come up with a parenting plan. She was pretty intent on moving away with your daughter but I think she found little sympathy, even from her pals at the women's center. Had you pursued sole custody I think you might have been successful.

            Consideration of expanding your family should motivate you. Raising 3 kids is going to be very expensive (possibly 4 if twins run in your family?). Every bit is going to count that much more.

            I don't think you will find yourself in a similar situation as you were before. You're now up-to-speed on family law in general and you have an established status quo with your daughter. I would think that your ex would be the one to be nervous, considering she has done little to improve her situation over the past 2 years....

            Comment


            • #66
              Originally posted by arabian View Post
              Remember - she is the one who couldn't be bothered to come up with a parenting plan. She was pretty intent on moving away with your daughter but I think she found little sympathy, even from her pals at the women's center. Had you pursued sole custody I think you might have been successful.

              Consideration of expanding your family should motivate you. Raising 3 kids is going to be very expensive (possibly 4 if twins run in your family?). Every bit is going to count that much more.

              I don't think you will find yourself in a similar situation as you were before. You're now up-to-speed on family law in general and you have an established status quo with your daughter. I would think that your ex would be the one to be nervous, considering she has done little to improve her situation over the past 2 years....
              I agree with everything you said. I think I'll have a chat .. wouldn't hurt to have a documented convo of her refusing to help financially....even if she ignores I can say something like
              ... if no response by whatever date I'll consider that a no.

              Thanks Arabian

              Comment


              • #67
                no - I wouldn't put it that way. That makes it too easy for her.

                I'm sure others on here will have some good ways for you to broach the subject with your ex.

                For a start, find out which date she gets her money from welfare (I believe that should be readily available information on internet somewhere). Approach her the day she is likely to be paid. People are usually more amenable to suggestions when

                1. They think it was their idea
                2. On a full stomach
                3. When they have money in the bank.


                Good luck - have a nice weekend

                Comment


                • #68
                  I don't see any harm in getting a paper trail of her refusals. It will be easier for some things than others though.

                  "Hey, Ex, the ballet bill is $300 this quarter. Are you going to pay 50% because we have joint access, or would you prefer the proportional to income system for s7 expenses? This isn't in our agreement and I think we should discuss it."

                  "Hey, Ex, Sparks is $150 coming due in September. She loves it so I think we should continue her in it. I thought I'd give you advance notice so you can come up with your share by then. By the way, I still haven't heard back from you about how you'd like to do the share calculations."

                  "Hey, Ex, we should enroll her in swimming lessons, because it's an important lifesaving skill. I called around a few places and average cost seems to be $85 for one lessons for one Red Cross level. That's getting a bit low for s7, so how about you take on that cost since I've covered ballet and Sparks? Let me know!"

                  Etc etc. She'll either step up, or complain that she has no money. Then you could respond. "Should I take it out of the offset CS I pay you? I noticed I'm the one buying ALL her clothing, so you should have some left over."

                  I know doing that isn't technically allowed, but she may not know that, or provide a defensive knee-jerk response you can hoard for later.

                  Then, down the road when things may get worse, or you may find yourself in court again despite your best efforts, you have the email trail of these denied requests.

                  If she takes things to FRO, you could then start submitting s7 receipts to FRO too.

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    Dear Ex

                    I was looking at activities for D5. She really enjoyed Sparks and Ballet so do you think we should register for both again in September?

                    Sparks regististration of $185 starts now and spaces are usually limited so we should decide if we are going to register her and get registered soon.

                    That would leave Ballet at a cost of $300 for September which will spread out the costs a bit.

                    What do you? Are you in agreement to register her in both?

                    Let me know because Sparks fills up fast.

                    You could also mention that 2 activities seem a good amount for D 5.

                    Then if she replies "yes" then ask her which one would she like to pay or is still willing to go 50/50
                    Last edited by Beachnana; 05-19-2017, 09:51 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Just FYI, it is section 9b of the CSG that indicates that the setoff amount should be adjusted if one parent is bearing a higher proportion of the (non section 7) costs. So what RIoe suggested is valid, except that it would need to be done via an order, not unilaterally and ad-hoc.

                      Agree email is better, because you are laying ground for official adjustment later, not expecting to get actual money now.
                      Last edited by dinkyface; 05-20-2017, 11:51 AM.

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        Have you ever maybe discussed a budget per year per child for their sports?

                        I am considering talking to my ex about that right now but don't even know what would be a reasonable amount per child. My ex is unemployed too but she is the one making the demands for sports (but I pay full table amount)!

                        Sound like you have shared custody? I didn't read through all the pages but the last couple, sorry if this was mentioned already.

                        Maybe if a budget was in place your ex would be willing to contribute and not worry about consenting to something for it to become even more costly down the road (my situation)

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          Originally posted by Tandem80 View Post
                          Have you ever maybe discussed a budget per year per child for their sports?

                          I am considering talking to my ex about that right now but don't even know what would be a reasonable amount per child. My ex is unemployed too but she is the one making the demands for sports (but I pay full table amount)!

                          Sound like you have shared custody? I didn't read through all the pages but the last couple, sorry if this was mentioned already.

                          Maybe if a budget was in place your ex would be willing to contribute and not worry about consenting to something for it to become even more costly down the road (my situation)
                          Hi there. That's actually not a terrible idea. Thanks

                          Comment

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