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  • Tell me it gets easier?

    Hi,

    I'm Michelle and I'm new here!

    Two weeks ago my husband of 11 years blindsided me with news of his new girlfriend..and asking for a divorce..

    Since then, we've been living together in the same house, him sleeping on the couch most nights, we are going to counselling, but have only had one session so far...

    I just told my family last night and feel the need to start expanding my support network, but when does it get easier? Everyone says it will get harder before it gets easier...

    To make things more complicated (why not? ) we bought a new house 4 weeks ago, and are in the process of selling our old house..we've got two kids who are 5 and 2...now I *think* we are selling the old house, moving into the new house and then just selling it as well - it is way too big for just me and the kids - plus, it was supposed to be our *future* house....

    When will I stop crying at the drop of a hat? When will I be able to start a conversation with "My husband left me for an Internet Slut" without the waterworks! I even cried in the bank manager's office on Friday..

    I finally told him last night he had to find a new place to live...that didn't go well..but based on what he is telling me today, he has started looking...I feel my heart pounding in my chest all the time and feel sick and blah almost all the time..

    Anyway..I'm sure some of you have been there before...I'm just reaching out to find new friends and new supports...

    Best wishes!

    Michelle

  • #2
    Hello and sorry for your situation Michelle.

    Everyone recovers from this as hard as that is to imagine. A common thought is that it takes 2 years to start to feel normal again.

    Your husband has broken his promise to you and your kids and I don't agree with it, but it is unlikely that he will change his mind, or if he does, it will probably not be permanent.

    At this time you are both concerned about the future. Perhaps he is worried that he will get 'screwed' financially and you are worried about supporting yourself and the kids. If you stay open and honest about how to separate and deal with the kids and your financials it will be the best possible outcome. Hopefully for the kids you will share custody evenly. Avoid lawyers as much as possible, but you have to use them a little. Make sure you educate yourself about what is the law, and what is commonly understood to be fair.

    The simple progress is that you decide how to handle money (living expenses and bills) in the short term, list what you have (debts and assets), decide who keeps what, what you will sell, and then divide it all up such that you each end up with half of the marital assets and debts. Keep focused on the kids and constanly keep on top of yourself to make sure you are being fair in all things (even if he is not), and don't accept anything other than half of the debts/assets, half of the retirement accounts, child support based on custody and incomes, automatically adjusted each year, and spousal support (that is the tricky part) as is fair from what happened in your marriage.

    That is a lot to hear right now, but that is my advice. This is a great forum.

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    • #3
      Thanks Bill! That is good advice...and exactly the type of stuff I need to hear right now...

      Michelle

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      • #4
        it will be hard for a while but it does get better. Sometimes it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is there.

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        • #5
          I'm just a few weeks ahead of you on the learning curve momtohandl. I can't say the emotional rollercoaster is over yet, but the hills aren't daily anymore, if that helps. I had a good cry when I went to bed last night, I had a REALLY bad day last friday, but it was probably4-5 days before that that I had my last episode.

          I'm in the same boat as you as far as being blind-sided, but it's funny, the things that set me off 6 weeks ago are different than the things that do now. Billm....I don't know if I can keep this up for 2 years, but I'm trying! It's so hard when you just aren't in the same place as your spouse. I'm still trying to understand that this isn't just some bad practical joke.

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          • #6
            momtohandl and devastated i have also been there its been a year in May. Never thought i was going to make it.(read my posts). But now im seeing that im better off without him( now he's her problem) He will have her broke in no time. Keep your head's up you will see you, that your be better off,they will never change. I put up with him for 22 years. and it was always about him not us. This forum will help alot.
            Thoughts are with you's

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            • #7
              Recovery from this type of thing is a continuum that goes on for a long period of time but it does get easier. The 2 years to get back to "normal" idea will certainly be different for everyone but I think the meaning behind that timeline is that it will take 2 years to get to a stable (custody, home, routine, etc...) state in life where you don't think much about "the old life" much at all. I'd call that full recovery.

              The first couple months will be very hectic and full of unknowns and stress, but with each milestone like deciding on custody, buying/renting your own place, finalizing the financial agreements, you will feel better. You will be surprised at how strong you can be after this.

              Don't focus on the big picture, decide what has to get done first and act on it. Then once that's out of your hands take care of the next issue. Divorce is a huge "project" but like everything, a journey of 1000km starts with one step.

              And like a previous poster said, he's someone else's problem now and you really are better off without him.

              DD
              Last edited by Deputy Daddy; 06-30-2009, 09:15 AM. Reason: add something

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              • #8
                Originally posted by blindsided View Post
                momtohandl and devastated i have also been there its been a year in May. Never thought i was going to make it.(read my posts). But now im seeing that im better off without him( now he's her problem) He will have her broke in no time. Keep your head's up you will see you, that your be better off,they will never change. I put up with him for 22 years. and it was always about him not us. This forum will help alot.
                Thoughts are with you's
                Thank you!! I'm feeling like I have good days and bad days now...and even two weeks later the bad days aren't as bad as they were...We are moving in August, and will be going our separate ways at that time...he is taking a futon and a desk...that's it...after 11 years of marriage... I also think he isn't going to fight as hard for the kids as I thought he would...which makes me feel better too...

                Take care!
                Michelle

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                • #9
                  DD - You are right...last night, we sat down (he is living on my couch until Aug) and we decided a few little things..and it did make me feel better...I think that both of us really want to do the right thing for the kids... I think that small but steady steps are what we need right now..

                  Do you all have an opinion about lawyers? Should I get one now? Wait until we have an 'issue'? Right now we both seem reasonable about things, but I know that can change...should I hold off...my family wants me to get one *today* but I don't want to start paying someone if I don't need to yet..thoughts?

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                  • #10
                    momtohandl, I think my STBX and I are going to try the mediation route first, and since you say it looks like you can agree on many things, it might be a way to go for you too. Perhaps those here that have been through this will give us an opinion if it really is a good option...

                    With a mediator, it is suppose to cost less and they will suggest what is fair and best for the kids, not take a side. There is a site for the Ontario Association for Family Mediation that gives a list of mediators all over Ontario...I don't know if I am allowed to post the link, so I won't, but you should be able to google it. I'm hoping we can get in to see one soon. This week is shot with the holiday and such. May be something you want to look into.

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                    • #11
                      Thanks...I'll Google it and see what I can find.. :-)

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                      • #12
                        You Are In the Driver's Seat

                        You are entitled to spousal and child support if the husband allows you to be the primary custodial parent. There is also a division of assets/liabilities process that has to be addressed. It can be a complicated mess number wise aside from the emotional/psychological devastation for those directly and indirectly involved including parents/siblings etc. He is looking at financial devastation especially if his income level exceeds yours by a considerable amount. However, based upon an 11 year marriage, the spousal support would not be for life.

                        Nevertheless, if you can work out something other than this, which is dubious, then you and your husband will be truly exceptional. A lot of these family law situations lead to suicide/homicide etc.

                        Nothing pretty about this...only the lawyers enjoy and profit from our current laws

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                        • #13
                          HI Michelle,
                          I'm in the same boat. I find it really hard sorting out my emotions when my ex is around all the time installing a pool for our son. He wants to come back - sometimes I want him back and sometimes I don't - it hasn't been a good relationship for a long time. We split 2 months ago. I've been crying again most of today (and its only 9:00am!), but last week I was fine. There is another womane involed and that just kills me - its his ex wife who fooled around on him when they were married 4 times (that he knows of). I know we need to sort out the financial stuff, but I can't bring myself to do it.
                          I just wish I could get some clarity on how I really feel - this emotional roller coaster ride is soo painful - I just want it all to stop and go away for awhile. I"ve had teh sick belly and lost almost 10 punds, but my appetite is coming back again - I guess the shock has wore off.
                          Take care - private message me if you'd like to talk more.
                          Liz

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                          • #14
                            Liz,

                            Thanks for your message...so much of what you said is exactly how I feel...I *think* the he is moving out this weekend...and as I was leaving the house this morning, I realized the grass needed to be mowed..which made me realize, I do not know how to work a lawn mower - which caused stupid tears and a bad start to my morning..

                            Seriously..I'm 33, I should be able to figure out a lawn mower...but suddenly the thought of doing all this on my own sucks!

                            My friends and family keep asking if I've got a lawyer, or called this person or that person...I'm just not ready yet...

                            Today - I will redirect my paycheque...I'm going to commit to one thing at a time..and that is today's job

                            Take care!
                            Michelle

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