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Ex socializing in my neighbourhood with kids

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  • Ex socializing in my neighbourhood with kids

    Maybe this will look bad on my part but I think it's weird that recently my ex wife has decided to involve herself in my neighbourhood's children's facilities, parks and restaurants. There are more such places in her neighbourhood and places I used to take the kids before getting the boot from the home. Now she's always here in my community.

    Anyone have any thoughts on this?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Just'in View Post
    Maybe this will look bad on my part but I think it's weird that recently my ex wife has decided to involve herself in my neighbourhood's children's facilities, parks and restaurants. There are more such places in her neighbourhood and places I used to take the kids before getting the boot from the home. Now she's always here in my community.

    Anyone have any thoughts on this?
    she has a right to be in any public place she wants. Try just to ignore and not make a big deal of it.

    Comment


    • #3
      You are correct, it does look bad on your part.

      If your kids get lucky, she'll move into your neighborhood.
      Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
        she has a right to be in any public place she wants. Try just to ignore and not make a big deal of it.
        Trying not to. I know I can't control what she does or where she goes. However the odd thing is she always criticized this area for its diversity. So I'm kinda uncomfortable about her newfound interest.

        Is there a legal tactic here I should prepare for? She's put me through the ringer in a very strategic way so I can't help but be suspicious and cautious.

        Originally posted by mcdreamy View Post
        You are correct, it does look bad on your part.

        If your kids get lucky, she'll move into your neighborhood.
        Maybe you're right. I just know the legal stunts she has pulled and I feel like I'm on high alert a lot of the times. She doesn't have to tell me her activities with our kids but makes it a point she's in my neighbourhood. Her recent interest here is far from "how much better viable her community is" her views through the years.

        She won't move into this hood. She believes she's too good for it. Plus she will never get rid of the house in her hood that I am paying for.

        Comment


        • #5
          If you are going to be paranoid at least have a conspiracy theory....

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Links17 View Post
            If you are going to be paranoid at least have a conspiracy theory....
            That's insulting. If I felt there was a conspiracy theory or if I was paranoid, I would've indicated / implied as much. All I've said is that I find it weird and uncomfortable given my history with my ex about my community. Can we return to those statements I've made?

            Comment


            • #7
              If she has to go out of her way to come back to this neighbourhood she previously derided, she's doing it deliberately for some reason. That reason could be good, or it could be bad.

              A good reason would be so that the kids can interact with their familiar places, still be in contact with their friends, etc.

              A bad reason would be for you to be annoyed that she's invading your territory, and she's only doing it to get a rise out of you.

              The good part is that either way, you can react the same. Just act calm and indifferent.

              I will say though, that you can work yourself up into a tizzy wondering about your ex's motivations for doing something. Try not to waste your own time and emotional energy on that.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                If she has to go out of her way to come back to this neighbourhood she previously derided, she's doing it deliberately for some reason. That reason could be good, or it could be bad.

                A good reason would be so that the kids can interact with their familiar places, still be in contact with their friends, etc.

                A bad reason would be for you to be annoyed that she's invading your territory, and she's only doing it to get a rise out of you.

                The good part is that either way, you can react the same. Just act calm and indifferent.

                I will say though, that you can work yourself up into a tizzy wondering about your ex's motivations for doing something. Try not to waste your own time and emotional energy on that.
                Trying to stay calm and indifferent. Her previous places (rather mine with the kids when we were together) continue to be in HER hood. Why she's in my community considering all that she's done legally makes me uncomfortable as I suspect a legal motive. I just don't know what it is -- yet...

                It's not that I am annoyed. I feel apprehensive about what it could mean. She has never done anything FOR the kids, taken them out on her own, so why she's in my hood "making face" leaves me to suspect I've got hurdles ahead of me in court.

                I know this is sad. What's more sad is that those who previously loved each other can do this to one another.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Honestly, I don't see anything suspicious in this behavior. Maybe she's stepping up her game and becoming a more engaged parent by doing things with the kids in their familiar environment. If so, that's good for the kids. Maybe she's just trying to irk you.

                  Her behavior has no bearing on how *you* parent the kids, which is what matters for you in court. If you are also engaged and active, the kids have two parents that do lots of things with them and are committed to them - a good setup for 50/50 parenting. Your ex being active in kids' things would only be a problem for you if you were trying to paint her as an inattentive, neglectful parent, and she's not conforming to that image.

                  Xs and Ys - you can turn yourself inside out trying to figure out "Y" your "X" is doing whatever he or she is doing, and it won't make much difference. You'll never get inside her head, so your time is better spent distracting yourself or doing something productive.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I cannot work the quote thing ..... The Xs and Ys - paragraph above is bang on. I have to remember it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Ya I like the x's and y's thing too. Helpful.

                      Not trying to make a deal out of nothing. Just weird. My ex lost custody of her older kids so Im kinda uncomfortable of this turn of interest she has in our kids suddenly in my neighbourhood. After a restraining order against me for claiming she's scared I would kill her lol dropped, her interest to be in my hood seems legally convenient. I don't know what she's up to and can drive myself crazy but that comes naturally after all the crazy stuff she's done to make sure I would feel insignificant in the kids' lives since separation.

                      Especially when she makes it a point that she's in my neighbourhood. Do I need to know that? What's the point.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Can't claim authorship of the x and y quote - it's something someone told me in the first days of divorce, when I was (like many people) obsessing over "Y" it all went wrong and "Y" my "X" was doing what he did, and it stuck with me.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I cant seem to see anything she can use to her advantage by coming to your neighbourhood. In fact it helps make the case if you wish the family to settle closer to you. You will want her to be close as this thing settle downs.

                          My advice is slightly different. While I agree you can't let yourself get caught up in wild conspiracies I think this forum does have a tendency to undermine the genuine stress that happens when someone is dealing with a high conflict spouse.

                          I too had an ex that has tried everything. She has failed but it took 12 months and I feel by being on my toes I was able to anticipate and then respond appropriately to the very real threats.

                          The accusations are only silly and crazy after they have been debunked. Had I not made or taken appropriate steps to challenge these accusations or prepare a rebuttal or recommend steps to avoid opportunities for new accusations it would have ended badly for me.

                          I felt alone in making many of these choices...and while i am 40, have extensive business experience, survived in a dog-eat-dog environment at work before and no stranger to political tactics I still found when it came to making decisions or anticipating these wildly aggressive high conflict situations many of the choices I had to make were often counter intuitive and felt often situations were a catch-22....no win choices.

                          The advice on this forum comes from a good place. People here are trying to de-escalate the aggressiveness that pops up in a high conflict divorce however I feel it very insulting sometimes to be dismissed when I was only trying to anticipate what a wild card will do next.

                          The standard line is just "be calm and carry on" only works if you're dealing with a reasonable and rational person that is temporarily raging. But if it is as it sounds in your case you're dealing with simply one evil SOB you really have to be more careful.

                          There are often two types of High conflicts...one where both sides are adding fuel to the fire (what is always assumed) and the situations where one crazy ex is just launching a one-sided war....

                          Anyways...my rant for the day.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            headwaters1 - I can totally empathize with where you are coming from. I had to endure ex's crazy g/f. This nut-job used to actually stalk not just me but my adult son at his place of employment. Her actions caused him to quit a job and for years my son would not disclose to his father where he was employed for fear that the skank would show up. Crazy g/f called police on me - the whole nine yards. Cops ended up giving her a warning. She tried to put a peace bond on me (for absolutely nothing). I was so distraught at the time, as I had never been in family court at that time, that I hired an expensive criminal lawyer. To this day the woman is still a pain in the ass.

                            Did I learn to anticipate her actions? Yes. Because she has been the driving force behind 5 years worth of continuous litigation by my ex (yes he doesn't seem to mind it) BOTH MY LAWYER AND I have most definitely collaborated on what her next move was likely to be.

                            I know exactly what it is like to be dealing with an irrational high-conflict unstable individual. I will NEVER let my guard down, even when I'm old and in a nursing home. LoL.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              And it has a strange effect on a person. I was explaining to someone recently why I am having trouble trusting anyone new in my life. Not a huge problem because I really don't want anyone serious in my life but as causal dates get closer to serious I try to explain to friends why I have some anxiety.

                              The response is "hell what could she do to you?". Well here is a list. And I sound crazy listing it. And I laugh as I'm saying it But this has happened to me - I have been put through the ringer. And if my wife (ex) can make crazy allegations then a gf could too.

                              It's still fresh and this lack of trust will fade with time but I guess I just want to say to this poster...you're not crazy for being prepared...and it's a balancing act of keeping on your toes and also not letting it get ahold of you.

                              Comment

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