Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Want more access

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Want more access

    Hi, second post here. My ex and I split 2+ years ago and currently share a six year old daughter.

    At the time of the split, I told my ex I wanted 50-50 custody and she said in no uncertain terms that our daugther will reside with her and if I decided to push for more than my current access (alternate weekends and one week night a week) that she would bleed me dry in the legal system. It was a real threat as her family has deep pockets and her brother is a lawyer.

    I have asked repeatedly for a change to 50-50 access and she repeatedly says no. My daughter constantly tells me she wants to see me more, she frequently puts up a fuss and gets upset and cries when I drop her off at her mum's... clearly my daughter wants to spend more time with me. A byproduct of this want is my daughter demanding to sleep in my bed with me to maximize what little time she does have with me (which I have to tell her no, all the time).

    I have spoken to my lawyer about changing the separation agreement to gain more access and he said in order to gain more access if the mother is unwilling to oblige, I'd have to take her to court, which would cost at least $15,000 (that I don't have) and I'd still likely lose because according to him, the judges in Ottawa have a reputation of siding with the mother regardless of how good/responsible/diligent the father is.

    I know when my daughter gets to age 12 or so, she can decide legally where she wants to live, but it kills me to think I have six (at least) more years of not having my daughter as much as we would both like... I'm quite certain my ex is being obstinant because she likes the support payments too much, and going 50-50 would see a 90% drop in support as our salaries are quite close.

    Thoughts?

  • #2
    The sad thing is...

    Hi Proudpapa,

    I don't know if other people have different experiences, but I think you will have to find the money and go to court.

    My childrens mother decided that she did not want to have Equal Shared Parenting because "She did'nt feel we got along well enough to make equal parenting work"... Whe would not budge and offered me two weekends a month access. I had my two older children with me after the seperation full time for the first month and she was still applying for sole custody.. I had to hire a high priced attorney off the start, who helped me to get an interim order for Equal Shared Parenting/Joint Custody, and I have still had to fight off constant attacks over the last 14 months that have led to 70k in legal fees.

    Between legal fees, SS, CS, and the cost of maintaining a home for the children and I, I am now broke.. and my financial future looks bleak.. but for over half of every week the children get to see me and I them.. And every second of the 4 nights and 3.5 days they are with me I am thankful that she was not able to remove me as a parent. My kids are 5,3,1 and there are so many new experiences every week that I would never have seen if I were a NCP.

    Decide what is important to you and then go for it.. It's too bad there is no legal defence fund for men who are experiencing what you are going through. I think this is why so many dad's end up giving up.. But find a way.. sell everything you can, save all you can, and take her to court.

    Every parent has a right to their children, and every child a right to their parents. Mothers are no more important in a childs life than fathers. Children need both parents, and the law should enshrine that right for all.

    Comment


    • #3
      If you are confident in your ability to stand and argue effectively, one option to reduce costs would be to self-represent, but still retain a lawyer for coaching/strategy/paperwork.
      With this approach, another thing to consider is the amount of time you will need to invest to educate yourself and prepare. It can be hard to do this and maintain a job at the same time.
      But even this option could cost easily $15k.

      Comment


      • #4
        self represent yourself....the judge will take into account that she can afford a lawyer and you can't.

        Petition for custody without touching the CS issue. Come up with a super awesome parenting plan showing how you intended to accommodate the child before, during and after the transition.

        Hit the CS issue at a later time. As long as the judge sees that its about the child and not about the money...your chances are just as good as hers for either shared custody or at least more court ordered access time. You'll never know till you try.

        Comment


        • #5
          I totally agree with anonymous mom.

          YOU CAN DO THIS.

          Begin by filing a Motion to Vary your existing order. Wont cost you a dime. Ask for more access that what you want... it gives you some room to negotiate.

          Serve your ex in person... which is free

          Attach a detailed Affidavit, outlining the reasons why you want to change the status quo, why it would be in the best interest of the child... but stay away from finger pointing and trying to make you ex look like a dragon.

          FOCUS on your daughter, not your ex. Judges done care for mud slinging! It makes people look petty and irresponsible.

          Research, research, research....

          When you file the Motion, you will be given an initial court date.
          Your ex will have 30 days to file a response.

          At your first court date, the clerk will ensure that all of the appropriate paperwork has been filed. No cost.

          Schedule a Case Conference. Request Mediation. Mediation is a lot cheaper than Legal Fees. If she wont cooperate and attend, it makes her look unreasonable, which is good for your case.

          Mediation is charged based on income. If your income levels are approx. the same, you'll each pay the same hourly rate.

          Arrive at the Mediation with a detailed Offer to Settle, asking for slightly less access than you originally asked for (again making you appear to be level headed and willing to compromise)....

          If you can come to an agreement at that level, then great... if not, prepare your Case Conference Brief, and get ready to appear in front of a Judge.

          When you get to court, be very respectful, of both the court officials and your ex.

          The Judge will let you know at the conference what your chances are at winning. If he gives you the thumbs up, you can almost guarantee that a trial Judge will make a similar order.

          If ex is still being a demon, she will appear to be thinking only in HER best interest, and not what's best for your daughter... which will also look good for you.

          At this point, you are out maybe a $1000 (if you went to mediation). But if had you used a Lawyer to get to this point, you'd be out closer to $10,000.

          You can get most of the information you need online, or at a family law information center.

          At any point, you can retain legal counsel... however, there are lawyers available at the family law information center who can help you with the paperwork!!

          You can do it, just focus on your daughter, and deal with the money end of it later. As soon as you win your extra access, file a new Motion to Vary CS, by that time you'll be a pro at this.

          Good Luck

          Comment


          • #6
            Great info folks.. thanks.

            But what does 'SS' and 'CS' stand for?

            Comment


            • #7
              SS: Spousal Support
              CS: Child Support

              Hope that helps!

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks for this amazing info. FWIW four weeks ago I asked my ex to agree to change our current arrangement and last night she said no for no reason other than 'there has not been a substantial change in her material circumstance'... which is funny because 'material change' AFAIK is from our separation agreement relating to the parent's health and job status regarding support payments.

                Regardless... I am fully prepared to rep myself and take her to court if need be. Thanks again for the help and I hope I can pick people's brains here along the way.

                Cheers


                Originally posted by representingself View Post
                I totally agree with anonymous mom.

                YOU CAN DO THIS.

                Begin by filing a Motion to Vary your existing order. Wont cost you a dime. Ask for more access that what you want... it gives you some room to negotiate.

                Serve your ex in person... which is free

                Attach a detailed Affidavit, outlining the reasons why you want to change the status quo, why it would be in the best interest of the child... but stay away from finger pointing and trying to make you ex look like a dragon.

                FOCUS on your daughter, not your ex. Judges done care for mud slinging! It makes people look petty and irresponsible.

                Research, research, research....

                When you file the Motion, you will be given an initial court date.
                Your ex will have 30 days to file a response.

                At your first court date, the clerk will ensure that all of the appropriate paperwork has been filed. No cost.

                Schedule a Case Conference. Request Mediation. Mediation is a lot cheaper than Legal Fees. If she wont cooperate and attend, it makes her look unreasonable, which is good for your case.

                Mediation is charged based on income. If your income levels are approx. the same, you'll each pay the same hourly rate.

                Arrive at the Mediation with a detailed Offer to Settle, asking for slightly less access than you originally asked for (again making you appear to be level headed and willing to compromise)....

                If you can come to an agreement at that level, then great... if not, prepare your Case Conference Brief, and get ready to appear in front of a Judge.

                When you get to court, be very respectful, of both the court officials and your ex.

                The Judge will let you know at the conference what your chances are at winning. If he gives you the thumbs up, you can almost guarantee that a trial Judge will make a similar order.

                If ex is still being a demon, she will appear to be thinking only in HER best interest, and not what's best for your daughter... which will also look good for you.

                At this point, you are out maybe a $1000 (if you went to mediation). But if had you used a Lawyer to get to this point, you'd be out closer to $10,000.

                You can get most of the information you need online, or at a family law information center.

                At any point, you can retain legal counsel... however, there are lawyers available at the family law information center who can help you with the paperwork!!

                You can do it, just focus on your daughter, and deal with the money end of it later. As soon as you win your extra access, file a new Motion to Vary CS, by that time you'll be a pro at this.

                Good Luck

                Comment


                • #9
                  Good luck.

                  One thing is that Status quo is worth a lot. you're asking for change, so you have to prove that this change is for the best interest of the child.

                  Now, best interest would be having two parents that are involved fully. But, it's still your duty to prove this.

                  I am not self representing, however, I would be capable of doing it I believe. The one thing is to spend a lot of time on canlii.org. It's a website with every past court judgement. Read through almost every rulings on it, and you will learn precedents and see where your case is strong and weak.

                  Also, try to communicate by e-mail with your ex, and keep everything she sends you. If she refuses to negotiate at all, you could turn this against her.

                  And, finally, by her going from the current situation to 50/50, she loses probably 500$ per month in child support. You will be entitled to half of everything, so that could be part of the reason she does not want to change it.

                  My advice is that if this is the reason, you could negotiate that with her. Maybe continue paying more then the guidelines for now. By paying more that way, you might save legal feels.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I wonder if you can also demonstrate how much you are contributing financially beyond CS payments e.g. extra bedroom, furniture, carseat, clothing, toys, admissions to zoo etc.... In particular, you are probably already providing full clothing for your daughter, so you could offer to be the one primarily responsible for this. You can easily illustrate that you are already saving your ex money, as well as incurring significant costs of your own to care for your daughter. Also, include a reminder that according to the child support guidelines, she is expected to contribute from her own funds, an amount proportional to your payment. I'm she would not agree, but the judge might. I guess the CON would be that you are then the one raising the CS issue, where it might be better for her to raise it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      This has nothing to do with CS at all. All I want is for my daugther to win the right for equal access to both parents. I can provide a raft of reasons why this would be beneficial to her and help reduced stresses in her life and AFAIK my ex would have to provide reasons and proof as to why my daughter cannot half equal access, ie. proof as to why the status quo is fine.. and I have a lot of evidence she cannot refute as to why status quo isn't working.

                      Thanks again all....

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by proudpapa View Post
                        This has nothing to do with CS at all. All I want is for my daugther to win the right for equal access to both parents. I can provide a raft of reasons why this would be beneficial to her and help reduced stresses in her life and AFAIK my ex would have to provide reasons and proof as to why my daughter cannot half equal access, ie. proof as to why the status quo is fine.. and I have a lot of evidence she cannot refute as to why status quo isn't working.

                        Thanks again all....
                        I am not saying the CS is a factor for you. Trust me, I'm in your shoes as well. My ex has threatened to go after full custody for the only reason as to get more money from me. And, I personally know of one more situation where the ex-wife does not want to give up custody for financial reasons.

                        It wouldn't hold up in court, however, it could be a great motivator to fight the change in custody.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by anonymousmom View Post
                          self represent yourself....the judge will take into account that she can afford a lawyer and you can't.

                          Petition for custody without touching the CS issue. Come up with a super awesome parenting plan showing how you intended to accommodate the child before, during and after the transition.

                          Hit the CS issue at a later time. As long as the judge sees that its about the child and not about the money...your chances are just as good as hers for either shared custody or at least more court ordered access time. You'll never know till you try.
                          Bad advice imo. A good lawyer can shred a self representing parent in Court.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by proudpapa View Post
                            Hi, second post here. My ex and I split 2+ years ago and currently share a six year old daughter.

                            At the time of the split, I told my ex I wanted 50-50 custody and she said in no uncertain terms that our daugther will reside with her and if I decided to push for more than my current access (alternate weekends and one week night a week) that she would bleed me dry in the legal system. It was a real threat as her family has deep pockets and her brother is a lawyer.

                            I have asked repeatedly for a change to 50-50 access and she repeatedly says no. My daughter constantly tells me she wants to see me more, she frequently puts up a fuss and gets upset and cries when I drop her off at her mum's... clearly my daughter wants to spend more time with me. A byproduct of this want is my daughter demanding to sleep in my bed with me to maximize what little time she does have with me (which I have to tell her no, all the time).

                            I have spoken to my lawyer about changing the separation agreement to gain more access and he said in order to gain more access if the mother is unwilling to oblige, I'd have to take her to court, which would cost at least $15,000 (that I don't have) and I'd still likely lose because according to him, the judges in Ottawa have a reputation of siding with the mother regardless of how good/responsible/diligent the father is.

                            I know when my daughter gets to age 12 or so, she can decide legally where she wants to live, but it kills me to think I have six (at least) more years of not having my daughter as much as we would both like... I'm quite certain my ex is being obstinant because she likes the support payments too much, and going 50-50 would see a 90% drop in support as our salaries are quite close.

                            Thoughts?
                            Your current access is not causing any alienation with your daughter so your chances of getting increased access are virtually nil. Not only would you lose the $15,000 for your legal fees but will be hit with having to pay legal fees for the other side as well.

                            Comment

                            Our Divorce Forums
                            Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                            Working...
                            X