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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 10-14-2010, 08:04 AM
Skipper3 Skipper3 is offline
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Unhappy Parental Alienation

Has anyone ever found an answer on how to deal with this?
My new partner and I moved in together in 2007. My X lives 10 minutes away and we share custody of our daughter 50/50. His X moved to 1 KM away so their 2 children (then 9 and 11) would be close to both parents and better access to both. I was impressed with his X for making the move (as she said, for the good of their children).
However, withint he first year, his kids kept coming to us every single week with another thing that we did wrong (all lies). We stopped them from getting passports, going on a trip, said no to an activity etc. None of which we ever knew of to begin with. Their mother just kept making up things to tell the kids that their dad was not doing and stopping them from enjoying. His daughter told us that the mom was jealous of our new "big" house
A year later (2008) he was served with papers for motion of "full-custody" based primarily on his abuse to the kids?! He all of a sudden 'hits' his son, has preferential treatment to his step-daughter, does not participate in their education and has negative opinions of his daughter.
We got a lawyer and made a 4" binder of negative emails from the mother, and affidavit of 178 questions he asked her that shows how she is not consistant in her actions and thoughts. In short, we really wanted to keep the 50/50.
The mother fought us ever step. Would not go to mediation....she would only go to court. $25k later (and 9 months) the kids are in bad shape, they now side with mom and say "we need to be with her as she is just not strong like you dad....and....this way she will stop crying so much".
The X said she would not stop until she won. She comes from a lot of money and said she would throw it all into this.
So 9 months later, my partner agreed to stop. They made a new agreement that the kids could see dad whenver they wanted (a short bike ride away) and that she would not move away for minimum 1.5 years.
Well, 3 weeks later the house was for sale and in 2 months she moved. Now a 45 minutes drive (now at summer 2009).
The children come ever second weekend. Now 2010, their school marks are both lower and as much as she argued the move was for them and she would do everything to be their for them in the transition, she has now moved in with the boyfriend. After 8 months together they bought a house. He has 2 girls 6/8 that are not happy with their own parents divorcing and apparently scream all the time.
In short the kids now realize their decision was not good for them.

NOW my partner is so sad all the time. Should have fought harder? who knows. But the kids won't make the change again, their mom is too 'weak' and atleast she does not cry now and is happy with having a man around. So they will just leave it alone.
So what to do? They are not fairing well and this is harder to handle then the legal crap?
Any thoughts? Anyone else go through parental alienation and have views to share?
I don't know how to support my partner here. VERY difficult to feel his pain.
  #2  
Old 10-14-2010, 08:37 AM
ConcernenedStepMom78 ConcernenedStepMom78 is offline
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Good Morning Skipper, I know what you are going through honestly, my Husband and I have been there and continue to go through it, we are still in litigation after a year, and yes its difficult to feel your partners pain. Some people are out just to win and do not care who they hurt in the process check and see if shes a Capricorn...LOL Love your partner help him through it, be there for him and help him with any legal papers stand by his side....as for the alientation, only thing you can do is talk to partner and or kids and explain it isnt true, make recordings of conversations, and journal occurences, I went out and bought a Journal in which I keep track of dates times etc of "problems" you can subit the whole journal if you wish for court proceedings, I just bought a common planner at Wal-Mart. Legally speaking litigation is a hard thing for adults to go thorugh let alone kids, get some family counseling
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Old 10-14-2010, 10:10 AM
ruby ruby is offline
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newly separated, my husband has alienated my 15 year old son and 17 year old daughter from me.its done in a most passive way. it is heartbreaking for me.he plays this pathetic victim role and ignores me infront of the children when iam speaking to him. i will prepare a dinner and leave for work. he will not serve it to the kids .a pot of soup - my sons fav turned moldy because it sat on the stove for a day and a half. he does nothing to encourage the children to be open to me as iam seen as the BAD ONE. any suggestions?
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Old 10-14-2010, 10:11 AM
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dadtotheend dadtotheend is offline
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any suggestions?
Kick in the balls?
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Old 10-14-2010, 10:28 AM
ConcernenedStepMom78 ConcernenedStepMom78 is offline
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Children grow up and they become adults, more and more I find we wsate teh rime we have with our children in situations such as litigation, and trying to undo damage another parent is creating. How many of you come from broken homes? How many of you had a parent that alienated the other parent? How are you faring as an adult? By the time our kids are grown up their childhood passes us by as we spend years and thousands upon thousands of dollars in litigation. Im not saying there are definately some things that should not be fought in court. How many of you got the strap growing up....are you normal well rounded? Why is it nobody can seem to think and rationalize these sorts of things?
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Old 10-14-2010, 11:12 AM
ruby ruby is offline
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separated since jan.3 teenagers.currently living in guest room in basement,holding down two full time jobs,21 year marriage.began to see someone else last year while in the marriage. all lawyers tell me to move out -in order to have a better relationship with my kids in my own space.I have shed so many tears at the thought of moving from my children.as they will inevitably stay with their dad.can you please share your stories of moving out of the matrimonial home and what that was like? prior to my choice to leave my marriage .My children were loving, and respectful, since now they see me as the one who broke the family up,there is much resentment.can things improve if i leave or will there be hope for the relationship if there is spacial distance.please talk to me. im a mess
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Old 10-14-2010, 11:16 AM
ruby ruby is offline
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i wont make this the issue but i am so angry that he cant see how dammaging this is for their children. he told me a few months back your not mom to them your mother. i want to take him and scream.
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Old 10-14-2010, 11:16 AM
ConcernenedStepMom78 ConcernenedStepMom78 is offline
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Ruby being in a continued state of stress and depression isnt good for your kids either. Sometimes couples need a break, maybe you can work it out maybe not, but staying in an environment that is unhealthy for you and your kids is not good either. Kids are receptive and they know what you're going through whether you think they do or not.
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Old 10-14-2010, 02:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skipper3 View Post
"we need to be with her as she is just not strong like you dad....and....this way she will stop crying so much".
This makes me so sad. Children are not mean to support the parent. A Parent's job is to support their children, to nuture them, not the other way around.

I don't know what else you can do now. You've allowed this situation to develop, and I hate to say it's going to be a hard battle to change it. Are the kids in counselling? I think that would be the first step, to determine how much they are effected and document what has happened (from their perspective)
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Old 10-14-2010, 07:52 PM
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More reason to change the laws.
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