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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 03-22-2019, 06:48 PM
Kkc Kkc is offline
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Default Father trying to get more than 5050

Hi

I'm in very early stages of process and case conference in may. We have a non prejudice agreement where I have my kids on weekends. Essentially while she has them 4 nights a week and I have them 3 this will not have any basis for the future.
If anyone has read my posts u can see some of the issues with ex. To summarize...it's a lot of lapses of judgment.

I wonder if anyone has been in my situation and has had to fight to get beyond a 5050 and primary residence. Please pm me
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Old 03-22-2019, 07:51 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Default Father trying to get more than 5050

People will often reply to you on here rather than PM. This board is beneficial to those who stumble across it...so itís maybe best to just ask your questions here.

To your question. Yes, Iím asking for more than 50/50. Because my ex has some anger management issues he hasnít dealt with and - this is important - in my opinion only- substance use issues. I donít know if itís Addict level - but enough that I question his judgment in taking care of our daughter- often drives high on weed and possibly other drugs, but not on alcohol (because he was nailed for it twice in his past). All these issues Iím ready to prove in court. Also, to a lesser extent I think I just provide a more stable and safe home for her. I have my parents as backup childcare who know my daughterís allergies and skin care routine (she has atopic dermatitis- extreme eczema).

I think itís important to acknowledge that if youíre seeking something less than 50/50 and your ex isnít a repeat criminal offender or pedophile - there has to be at least a willingness for the custody sharing to change later- once the parent has dealt with these issues.


But- hereís a question. If your ex has enough issues for you to claim that that she should get less than 50/50- why are you allowing it now? While your current arrangement now might be on a ďwithout prejudiceĒ basis- the courts are still going to know that she has more than 50/50 now- and if youíre going to take the position that sheís a danger or her judgment is so poor later - when things start heating up in litigation - WHY didnít you take issue when you first separated? That is going to be an uphill battle.

Take a look at the case Tayken just posted a couple of days ago. The mom claimed the father was a narcissist and was extremely psychologically abusive- BUT she still agreed to pretty generous access as well as joint custody. This is called ďsucking and blowingĒ so elegantly in the legal world. Kinda sounds like what youíre trying to do.

Last edited by iona6656; 03-22-2019 at 07:56 PM.
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Old 03-22-2019, 08:27 PM
Kkc Kkc is offline
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so initially, her and her mother plotted to pain me as violent and have the police show up at the house saying I was trying to assault her. No charges were laid, the very next day I got served with a s14 asking to basically remove me from the house and give her soul custody. I secured a great lawyer fast and she negotiated dropping the s14 because it was baseless. Her allegations were so severe and there was not enough time or evidence to push back and going from being potentially losing access of my kids and losing my house to having the house sold and this custody arrangement was a win. We did raise the issues of substance abuse and it seems like that got her lawyer to back off. Her lawyer is a high conflict, go to court type that shoots first and asks questions later. As an aside, she tried to do another s14 months later stating that I told her to buy a house and she needed proceeds and that on equalization I owed her 80k. The truth, I was helping her find a rental and she owed me 90k (her lawyer wrote she owed 400k in student loans presently and said it was a typo)...that got dropped again...these issues will come up

Our issue is we have not had a case conference yet. Some of the issues of judgment...placing a camera in the house to spy on all my movements for months (i have nothing to hide, and for the sake of this conversation assume that my evidence will work because that's a mess how i figured it out), when it was time to move she packed up everything of value in the house including the kids clothes and moved it into storage bins (I picked up my kids for the weekend and had nothing for them), she spent money to the point where she could not buy groceries for them and blamed me. Of that money spent, a lot of it was cheques to her parents and buying them dinner frequently. The worst part is her parents were in on this and scheming all this against me (again, there is evidence just for sake of our conversation please go with it). There are also things to do with drug use.

The thing is, these lapses in judgment have occurred over time and has taken time to uncover. With her there may not be any imminent child protection issues (if there was I would step in) but it's these misteps that really show her and her family's approach to this. Not to mention how my 6 year old is being manipulated against my family.

Again no case conference yet, so we'd have to do a s 14. The way I describe it is like getting series of fouls in basketball as opposed to a game misconduct.

I have a boatload of evidence of her foul play and not thinking of the kids (she also lacks insight and im sure during questioning it will be marvelous) but I want to see the process and steps to get greater than 50/50
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Old 03-25-2019, 08:43 AM
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As horrible as this may be to you... This is all common. All too common. 50-50 is what it will end up. Unfortunate you have to go through the nonsense. It will take 2-3 years possibly for that to happen. "Don't Panic".
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Old 03-25-2019, 12:15 PM
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You currently have less than 50%.

You are hoping to get more than 50%.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iona
But- hereís a question. If your ex has enough issues for you to claim that that she should get less than 50/50- why are you allowing it now?
Therein lies the issue.

By all means, ask for more than 50% at the trial, but make sure your offer to settle offers 50%, because that is almost certainly what you are going to get.

Oh... and that would be my advice if you were the mom. As the father with a clearly competent mother, your probability of wresting control away from her drops to an actual zero.

Last edited by Janus; 03-25-2019 at 12:17 PM. Reason: Forgot that kkc is the dad, so actually he has zero chance of winning.
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Old 03-25-2019, 12:33 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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So it sounds like some of these 'lapses in judgement' issues started post separation. So that's something. If the divorce has totally made her spin out (and I do believe it makes some people do this)- then, if you're willing to pay a lawyer to systematically take down your wife- and it WILL be expensive...there are lawyers that will do that.

Look- if her substance abuse DOES affect your children, and she's doing stuff that IS acting against their best interests- meaning doing them harm -physical and psychological (having their dad have to go buy them clothes for the weekend is some petty shit, but you're a doctor...no court is going to think that's irreparable harm)- then you NEED to change the living arrangements *NOW*. Do a long motion...it's probably going to cost you around 25-40k though by the time the work is done. And you're not guaranteed to win it.

I was listening a friend who is a labour lawyer talk about how labour and employment law is a total psychological game. And she said the only other type of law that is like that- pure mind games- is family law. You're going to make mistakes- but a good lawyer will minimize them. They'll tell you to calm the fuck down. They'll have a long game. Sometimes it's by attrition. My lawyer told me that he straight up knows my ex's lawyer is playing a long game of attrition to try to wear me down.

So my advice to you is the same- gear up- focus on your kids at all times, minimize all other expenses in your life- get rid of fancy car leases, move back in with your parents (which I think you've done), build a legal budget, get a game plan together with your lawyer, and start getting ready for court or the OCL, or a section 30 assessment. I think the men on this forum give incredibly good advice to dads- take parenting courses, volunteer at the kids' school, if your kid(s) have special needs- start doing all the research you can.

OR- and I don't say this facetiously or sarcastically- accept 50/50. Focus on the needs of your kids, and start moving on with your life.

Last edited by iona6656; 03-25-2019 at 12:36 PM.
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Old 03-25-2019, 12:37 PM
Kkc Kkc is offline
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Hey..I always love your insight
Again the 5050 is a non prejudice agreement and we have not gone to a case conference..the fact that she has more than me now should not amount to anythibf
also a lot of these issues that are objectifiable are coming to light now..and will take time to test in court

In terms of me allowing it...I do not have many options..only motions are emergency and it won't be heard as those would be if the kids were physically harmed


Not sure what u mean by advice to the mom...
She can provide for them..it's the mental abuse and scheming that puts them in harm's way..it's the obvious Alienation attempts that will be harmful..she's not being overly subtle
I'll keep you posted bc I have said I like your insight
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Old 03-25-2019, 12:41 PM
Kkc Kkc is offline
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Re Iona..
Sorry both replies came in at same time...I have plenty of options..especially given that her family has been in on the schemes

Regarding clothes and toys..it is just stuff that I can replace but it shows a clear lack of thinking about the kids..I think she took everything to show them that my house has all your things and like mine more

I'm in it for a long game and hopefully it will work for me
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Old 03-25-2019, 01:03 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kkc View Post
Hey..I always love your insight
Again the 5050 is a non prejudice agreement and we have not gone to a case conference..the fact that she has more than me now should not amount to anythibf
Again- and this is only my opinion, which I mean- with the exception of I think two actual family lawyers on here- are a bunch of people on the internet- doesn't matter. Non-prejudice is not going to amount to what I think you think it's going to amount to. You're thinking- "well we have this arrangement now- BUT it's on a temporary non-prejudice basis...so if/when it gets to trial it should be de novo- meaning fresh, brand new- like if we're starting from scratch"- and that's where I think you're 100% wrong. You're still going to have to answer why you didn't take action when all this questionable behaviour came to light.

If I'm the judge- I'm going to ask you- "So after you separated and cM (crazy Mom) started this harmful and destructive behaviour, what steps did you take?"

Did you ask her to stop?
Did your lawyer send notice that this behaviour is unacceptable?
Did you request the involvement of the OCL?

I don't think they're going to care that your "temporary" living arrangement was on a "without-prejudice" basis. total aside- I think the term "interim without-prejudice basis" is totally ridiculous in family law- everything is with prejudice. And most types of law to be honest- EXCEPT commercial and contract law.

anyways

Quote:
also a lot of these issues that are objectifiable are coming to light now..and will take time to test in court
these are issues to YOU. they might not be to the courts. What are you doing to test them in court?

Quote:
In terms of me allowing it...I do not have many options..only motions are emergency and it won't be heard as those would be if the kids were physically harmed
what? no. have you guys started the family litigation process? As in an application and answer. Once you start- you can bring motions on anything- including interim custody and access.

Did your lawyer tell you that?

Quote:
Not sure what u mean by advice to the mom...
She can provide for them..it's the mental abuse and scheming that puts them in harm's way.
according to you. no objective party has said this. if you want them to say this- go get it done.

Quote:
.it's the obvious Alienation attempts that will be harmful..she's not being overly subtle
I'll keep you posted bc I have said I like your insight
I'ma let someone else yell at you about using the term "alienation" when you have your kids for 43% of the time.

Last edited by iona6656; 03-25-2019 at 01:07 PM.
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