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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce & Family Law > Common Law Issues

Common Law Issues The law regarding common law relationships is different than in cases of divorce. Discuss the issues that affect unmarried couples here.

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  #51  
Old 08-22-2014, 10:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamma View Post
Many of you probably put themselves in my ex’s shoes and defend him vigorously. But this forum is also full of tragic stories of fathers whose children were taken from them and they have to face false allegations of abuse and offers of ‘supervised visits’.

I have not done any of these things nor do I have any intentions of doing. He refused to let me take the baby after we split – I accepted his decision and we have been living together, separated, in the same apartment, arguing some days, barely speaking to each other on other days for the last 4.5 months. I can’t wait to go to court ( I filed the papers) and get the present situation resolved.

Yes this is a real battle where there are no winners and the only loser is our son. So you may ask why am I going though it (spending thousands $) - because of time. Every day my baby learns something new, changes and matures and be more ready for the ‘freezbee’ schedule. It will also give my ex more time to learn how to care for our son – it’s in my son’s best interest that his father becomes a great caregiver for him (if he really wants to).

My point of view is not form the ‘1950s’. Just a couple of months ago a child psychologist published a book calling a week on week off schedules for kids under four "horrible". Childcare guru: small children should not stay overnight with absent parent | Life and style | The Guardian

Of cause she got crucified by the Father’s activists group. No need to do it in this forum.

And maybe in 10 years there will be a new theory which will completely dismiss the ‘multiple caregiver’ theory.

I just wanted to give you my opinion so when another OP states that they are against a shared schedule for their child you will not immediately classify him or her as a bad parent.
Good on him for not moving out... Sounds like he is getting good advice.

I also did not move out and after it became very clear to my ex that she had an up hill battle with her Primary parent crap she settled for 50/50 on a 2-2-5-5 schedule which has been working very well. My kids were 3 and 6. I agree a week about for younger children is not the best.

Once again as others have asked would you be ok with him being the primary parent and you having the proposed schedule? (Irrelevant of who did what up to this point)

Is or will your child be in daycare?
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  #52  
Old 08-22-2014, 10:58 AM
Straittohell Straittohell is offline
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Kudos for your ex for refusing to let you take the child out of the home. I spent over a year living separate and apart with my ex as well. The children benefitted immensely.

No overnights with absent parent? What a loaded article title.

Let's set aside all of our debate about whether shared parenting is good or not. Let's try the TTT (Transport Truck Test). If you were tragically killed by a transport truck, do you feel your young child would be at risk being single parented by your ex?

Also, would love to see your answer about how you can handle daycare providers getting more time with your child than your ex.

Is he really that bad of a person?

Original advice still stands. Your few hours a week that you are prepared to offer him is going to create a huge battle that will poison your unjust enrichment fight and harm your child. 50-50 too much for you? Then try to actually meet him halfway instead of insulting him. As another member mentioned, the access you propose is reserved for convicts.
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  #53  
Old 08-22-2014, 11:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamma View Post
My point of view is not form the ‘1950s’. Just a couple of months ago a child psychologist published a book calling a week on week off schedules for kids under four "horrible". Childcare guru: small children should not stay overnight with absent parent | Life and style | The Guardian
lol - the heading of that book tells all and what side it will portray.

Your ex isn't an absent parent. And if he is absent now, it is only because you are limiting his ability to be involved. From what I've read, he was there for the child during the relationship, although you were likely more involved depending if you were on Mat leave and possibly nursing. And is he trying to be there now, however you are playing gatekeeper and restricting his involvement based on your views of what is right. You don't get to create the situation where your ex's involvement is limited and then use that against them. It is called creating a false status quo which could come back to bite you in court.

You may not believe in share parenting, but your ex does. So who is more right? Who has the authority to make the decision? Ultimately the courts do. You both will provide your evidence on why your positions are in the child's best interests and a judge will decide from there.

IMO your ex is using his absurd claim for unjust enrichment to counter your absurd parenting schedule. It is just he absurd claim may have more teeth than your absurd claim.

And yes my daughter is almost 9 now. But my ex and I broke up BEFORE my daughter was born. My ex shared your views and limited my involvement. I've been through what you are putting your ex through. It isn't fair, it isn't right and it isn't in your child's best interests. What you are doing is turning your child's father into a stranger. This will mean the child will have harder times adjusting during exchanges and changes to the schedule. I know this because I lived it. I was stupid though and didn't fight harder. I fell on my sword like an idiot. We have a great relationship, but maybe if I had fought harder back then, it would be even better now and we'd have more memories of the stuff we'd do with the extra time.

You put in a shared 223 schedule by the time the child is 18 months and the child will adapt faster than they will when they are older.
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  #54  
Old 08-22-2014, 11:12 AM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamma View Post
...
Most of those who commented are probably fathers of older kids - not babies/toddlers. My son's main method of communication is crying - I understand it most of the time - my ex just thinks that the baby is being cranky 'again'...
An involved father of 8 and 5 year olds...since they were born.

I wouldn't use this reasoning in any of your arguments/motions, to a judge.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamma View Post
...But this forum is also full of tragic stories of fathers whose children were taken from them and they have to face false allegations of abuse and offers of ‘supervised visits’.

I have not done any of these things nor do I have any intentions of doing. He refused to let me take the baby after we split – I accepted his decision and we have been living together...

I also wouldn't say anything like this, in any of your motions/arguments either to a judge.

It makes it sound like you are saying,

"Dad should be greatful for any offer I make to him, since I did not take our baby away from him when I demanded to, and I chose not to fling false accusations at him".
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  #55  
Old 08-22-2014, 11:42 AM
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That argument has been quite debunked. Apparently it relied on a single study, and its author is herself a product of a divorce when she was an adolescent and her father arranged for her to go to boarding school instead of live with either parent. I'd say this colours her opinion somewhat.

What children need is stability, routine, and maximum contact with the people who love them. If that's a predictable schedule between two homes and two divorced but involved parents, it's fine. There are a lot more studies that demonstrate this, so you would get eaten up in court relying on only the one you cite here.

It's relatively common for the parent who does the bulk of the childcare to think the other parent is incompetent, but that's mainly because the other parent just doesn't get as much time to master the necessary skills. It's not even gender-based.

It sounds like your ex is more worried about locking himself into some schedule now that he won't like later on. So put the 50-50 on the record now, with some phrasing that it is to begin with as much access as the father wants, up to a max of 50%. Do offset CS from the start, to make it clear that equal parenting is the overall intention. Make sure his time follows a predictable schedule (2-2-5-5 is often recommended over 7-7) so that he's not taking the child randomly. Then he'll either step up and be an involved parent, or he won't.

If he takes the max time, that's awesome, he'll soon develop the parenting skills you feel he's lacking, and your child will form a strong attachment bond with him. If he refuses to take his parenting time, then you've called his bluff and you can come back to court a year later with a motion to change the agreement to follow the schedule pattern you actually ended up in, and change CS accordingly if the timing warrants it.

As for the original unjust enrichment topic, you may find that he drops that unreasonable demand once you drop your unreasonable demand about limiting his access.
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  #56  
Old 08-22-2014, 05:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamma View Post
.

Yes this is a real battle where there are no winners and the only loser is our son. So you may ask why am I going though it (spending thousands $) - because of time. Every day my baby learns something new, changes and matures and be more ready for the ‘freezbee’ schedule. It will also give my ex more time to learn how to care for our son – it’s in my son’s best interest that his father becomes a great caregiver for him (if he really wants to).

My point of view is not form the ‘1950s’. Just a couple of months ago a child psychologist published a book calling a week on week off schedules for kids under four "horrible". Childcare guru: small children should not stay overnight with absent parent | Life and style | The Guardian

Of cause she got crucified by the Father’s activists group. No need to do it in this forum.

.
Let the man be a father. I am sure that you had to learn how to look after the baby on a learning curve so give him the same chance. You are stopping the bonding between child and father with the access you think he should have. Don't make the father a stranger to the child. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Could you live with the access you want to give the father? If not then you need to rethink it.

As for your book I am sure that no matter what the situation, there will always be books for or against the same thing. If someone posted a link saying 50/50 was best for kids, would it change your mind?? I doubt it.
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  #57  
Old 08-22-2014, 07:14 PM
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Ironically, if the kids were allowed to stay overnight the parent in question wouldn't be an absent parent, now would they?
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  #58  
Old 08-22-2014, 07:20 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Mamma...

I hope you understand that everyone here is being realistic with you. These posters have been through what you are going through, there are posters here that had to battle ex's like you who tried to keep their children from them. This is the real world and not to be rude, but you clearly have no understanding on how the law works now a days. You will be hard pressed to find a Judge who will order what you want and like many have stated, you could actually end up losing custody because of your beliefs.

You need to understand that anything you offer, you need to be able to accept as a counter offer. You can't walk into a court room and say that you made a fair offer but its only fair if the father accepts it, not if you have to accept it. You are NOT doing your child any favours by trying to keep the father out of their life. Why would you not want the father to be involved?
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  #59  
Old 08-22-2014, 08:14 PM
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When it comes down to money issues you should almost always settle.
What if you offered to pay him back his "rent contribution" 350x48 = 16800?
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  #60  
Old 08-22-2014, 08:16 PM
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Also unjust enrichment if I understand correctly is based on a spouse who contributes to the assets of the other without any compensation.

I.e: working for free for the spouse's business.
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