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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #31  
Old 12-09-2011, 11:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
It's not a debate, it's an ad hominem on your part. You feel, even though you do not know either parent, have any access to the continuing record or any direct information about the situation, that you have enough information to form a deductive conclusion.
I'll remind you that every assumption you make lowers your likelyhood of being right exponentially.[/quote]

To the contrary to your argument based on ad hominem (hominem) the questions being posed to obtain a better perspective of the situation so better advice can be proposed. Again, without any cogent evidence you are assuming I am sighting information to "label" someone but, it is done to insure that labels are not applied. I counter statements with examination questions that would lead to a better solution if answered. Possibly better advice from all responding to the thread.


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Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Having made your conclusion about Billie, you label her and of course now she's wrong because of your label.
I hold no assumption to any of the allegations being made by the poster. I simply pose questions and support the reason for the question with cogent facts and where applicable evidence. It is rather unfortunate that there seems to be some perspective based on an emotional reason that I hold a negative opinion of the poster.

From the correspondence provided (the only evidence I have to evaluate) and on a balance of probability I don't disagree that the poster has been abused. This is my personal opinion based on responses against the posters current thread and past thread.

My concern, is that often times the past conduct of an abusive spouse, if it has gone untreated has a cyclic effect. Furthermore, I am concerned that the spouse of the poster based on her detailed accounts of this abuse may exhibit behaviour patterns of possibly a Cluster B Axis II disordered individual.

Often times, these individuals prey on the anxieties of the other parent and "walk the boarder" in their conduct to drive the other parent to do things so they can gather evidence. One of the common tactics that these people often do is force situations where it causes the other parent to raise issues with 3rd party organizations. My concern is that the poster may be being sucked into one of the other parents calculated schemes.

You can co-parent (better to parallel parent) with someone exhibiting an Axis II disorder of any cluster but, it takes a lot of awareness.

I do respect the posters decision to jointly parent their children. It is a noble and good reason. My concern is that the other parent's conduct, actions, statements and other actions may be causing anxieties for the poster. This is generally the whole mode of operation for these high-conflict parents to do and cause this anxiety. They thrive on it. Feeding it can only often drive more conflict.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Usually you are fair minded and knowledgeable and I was thinking your first post to her was just an off day, but there is no call here to keep pushing the issue. You aren't "right". You aren't even in the loop.
Nor have I claimed to be right. These are just alternative perspectives that are presenting. No do I seek "justice" or "vindication" on my opinion. They are simply opinions. How others take them is their personal choice.

Thank-you for your observation. I do respect your opinions. Hopefully I have provided a more tangible perspective around my responses in this.

Honestly, I hope that the matters regarding this thread are resolved by the proper authorities and qualified individuals. Having to deal with a high-conflict parent is a major challenge for any litigant.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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  #32  
Old 12-12-2011, 08:25 PM
Access Dad Access Dad is offline
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I think you have to take any allegation a child makes of abuse seriously. You would rather be wrong a million times than 1 time where it was true and you did nothing about it. People are assuming here that billiechick is lying or projecting these emotions on to her child. She reported it to CAS they interviewed the father and found the allegations to be unsubstantiated...why don't we just leave it at that.
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  #33  
Old 01-01-2012, 05:07 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Red just represents anger.

really? I was raised being told that red represented love. Did you ever see Sesame Street? Anyway, I changed it to maroon just to please you




So you were (1) emotionally abused which the court could have protected you from and gave into the controlling demands of the other parent for 50-50? Does #1 overrule your logic of #2 which is your daughter's "best interests"?

well, yes I was emotionally abused, and physically too. Do I need to email you the photos of my injuries to prove this? or my counselling records? The court acknowledged this fact when they granted and ex-parte emergency order and a restraining order against him. That was all the protection I needed and I can handle myself now, thanks to the advice and support of many here.

Is it possible that a mother can make a judgement call and override her fears of her ex husband and still encourage a positive relationship for the child with her father. Because certainly having a relationship with him is in her best interests, even if I do have some fear of him still.


And as such no professional would recommend that a child be left alone with a parent who has committed violent acts of intimate partner abuse without clinical clearance that it won't continue.


Really? should I also provide you with the number to the OCL investigator? How about our marriage counsellor? CAS? They all knew about it, and he admitted it to all of them, and yet they still saw the 50/50 arrangement as valid, especially with all the protection mechanisms to reduce contact built in. The important fact is that I don"t live with him anymore and he has no ability to abuse me, except verbally during exchanges. So how would they be able to override a decision by both parents (even if made under some duress) to continue 50/50, if they have no reason to suspect there will be any chance of continued partner violence? Please explain that, because it is an issue that the courts need to address: how to protect children from abusive relationships while still encouraging the childs relationship with each parent



I can be argued against the Best Interests rule in the CLRA that the prior acts are reason for the grounds of sole custody. Just pointing out a fact. The argument is a hard one and I don't disagree with your statement but, you are sighting abuse that is all.

Yes, his past actions are valid reason to seek sole custody, but not over her best interests. That is what parents do, they sacrifice of themselves to do what is best for their kids.


What resources are you leveraging for yourself in all this? This is not a rude question. It is a honest question. The reason I ask is that intimate partner abuse results often in post traumatic scars.

I have already talked about my counselling and self improvement in other threads. I'm not going to repeat it all again.



Privacy is a matter of how much you choose to disclose on the forum.

If you are not calling CAS excessively that is good.

I'm not. I only called once, and it is unfair for anyone to assume anything about a parent on this forum that has not been communicated.
I have been quite honest on this forum. I see no reason to pick and choose between what I post as it will not help me to get the advice and answers I need to proceed. and it wont help othesr to read about a situation and make decisions based on incomplete information


Yet, despite findings no intervention on your child's behalf to restrict the other parents access? Rather puzzling but, I haven't seen the reports just your posts.

no you havent seen the reports. But Ive posted the recommendations before. look for them. Obviously you are the one responding based on "emotional response" as you have not taken the time to find out the history of this case. He admitted to the abuse and said he would get counselling. But since those requirements were not made part of the order, or part of the OCL recommendations.


Could you please provide the particulars to the "wild accusations" or "insinuations" which appear to be projections of "emotional facts". I would be more than happy to address each one.


Yours very truly,
Tayken
nope, I have to continue reading this thread, but I think some fellow posters may have already Tayken care of this for me.
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  #34  
Old 01-01-2012, 05:19 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Interesting observation. As abuse is rooted in a mental health condition the allegation of "abuse" is an observation of a mental health condition by the accuser. Now, the right thing is to call CAS and have a professional investigate the allegation of the mental health condition being made. That is why CAS exists and why Social Workers do the investigations. Because they are clinicians with mental health training.

Nope, sorry. CAS doesnt give a rats ass if my ex is a Jekyll-Hyde. If they did they would have asked for an evaluation< or at least spoke to his (and my daughters) family doctor..nope.

Abusive people have underlying mental health conditions. Like any other health condition it requires proper treatment. But, a finding of abuse has to be made by the clinician for the next phase of treatment to start. The challenge with mental health (and all health care) is that if the person refuses to get treatment there is rarely anything that can be done.

The only option for parents is motions in court and eventually trial and sole custody. It is unfortunate that the health care system isn't more involved in family dispute resolution. On high-conflict cases at a minimum...

if you provide me with the funds to keep asking for motions I will certainly bog up the courts with requests to have my ex evaluated for his mental health. But I'm pretty sure this is the opposite of what I should do to get co-operative parenting, or at least reduce conflict. Plus, it would take away the child-centred focus that a parent should have and reduce me to a finger-pointing ninny.

The litigated process is all about conflict. Which is unfortunate.

which is why I am trying to keep thisout of the court.

Collaborative law takes a different approach but, is very costly to most families unfortunately.

Good Luck!
Tayken
so since you have taken liberties to evaluate my underlying mental health can I ask what your qualifications are for doing that? As far as I know, all medical professional are taught as an underlying principle of practice is to first take a patient history before any diagnosis is even considered. But I could be wrong....
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  #35  
Old 01-03-2012, 03:01 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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CAS investigated and kept the case open for 2 months. They met with each parent however they did not go to my ex's residence, since he lives outside of this offices jurisdiction.

At first they believed my daughter and put in a serious investigation. However after meeting him, they started dragging their heels. Said that her story had changed, that she said she did not know why she told them in the first place why daddy hit her anywhere other than her bum. I asked the investigator why she thought a child would change her story 2 weeks later and she had no answer, even after I asked if she though perhaps someone had talked to her aboutit.

I know for a fact that he has been coaching her, as at our next exchange he told me she told him I had spanked her too! That has never happened, and I asked her if I had done that. She answered yes, at our old house.

a week later my daughter and I had a talk about truths and secrets, and surprises. During this discussion she told me that she did not remember me ever spanking her, and that daddy had told her it had happened. I communicated to her then that just becuase someone tells you something happened does not mean it did. And when it comes to things that happen with either mommy or daddy she should only tell peoplewhat she remembers herself.

Anyway, CAS did not take my complaint seriously (as expected) and they wont even tell me if he was recommended for followup counselling. When she closed the file I madfe sure to record the conversation, as I now suspect they may be treating this like I am reporting it vindictively.

My next step is to see my family physician and see if he can recommend some counselling program for kids of separated parents. Most programs wont deal with kids under 6, so if anyone has some suggestions in the GTA, please provide info. I'm sure my daughter isnt the only one who is confused.

Last edited by billiechic; 01-03-2012 at 03:09 PM. Reason: more
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  #36  
Old 01-03-2012, 03:57 PM
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I find it distressing that some of the coolest people on this site have debased themselves to the point of petty bickering.

Uncool, and paints a bad picture for those who would seek your advice.

Just sayin'

Cheers!

Gary
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  #37  
Old 01-03-2012, 09:42 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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i dont think so Gary. What was implied was that I was intentionally creating drama with the CAS and had not considered all option or consequences. Had I left the post unanswered then other posters may have mistakenly judged me by one post where some of the respondants gave advice based on only this information, and not the plethora of history about my case that is available on this site in previous posts.

we all have bad days and sensitive issues. there is nothing wrong with correcting someone if they are misinformed. Perhaps I responded a little angrily, but given the implications do you seriously think anyone on this site could respond without emotion in my place?
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  #38  
Old 01-03-2012, 11:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
Perhaps I responded a little angrily, but given the implications do you seriously think anyone on this site could respond without emotion in my place?
What makes you think I was talking about you?

Cheers!

Gary
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  #39  
Old 01-04-2012, 11:58 AM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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ummm...ok then.
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