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  • Loyalties

    A little question about loyalties when a couple splits.. we are in an ugly phase of our impending divorce right now - conflict is high, verbal abuse, sarcasm, intimidation, etc. Ninety percent of it is STBX towards me. My family and friends know a little about it, but I try not to be too disparaging and gossipy, but I also need support.
    So, both my bro and SIL, and my cousins, have both said that my STBX is always welcome in their home. Although I don't forward every nasty text (or any for that matter) to my family or describe our dramatic encounters, they know it's messy and miserable right now. I know they are doing/saying this for the kids, but is there some expectation that family will be on my 'side', at the very least until the dust settles? Is it too much to ask? Wouldn't it be supportive for them to align a bit with me, especially since they didn't even have a relationship with my ex in the first place, other than at family events? Any insight would be helpful.

  • #2
    Perhaps you are being too sensitive. As you said they are saying stbx Is welcome to their homes perhaps for the kids sake. But in reality they know once all is settled she will not " drop by " for any of your family events.

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    • #3
      It's him towards me. I'm the 'she'.

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      • #4
        A lot of family members dont want to get involved or want to remain neutral. Its understandable. If push came to shove they would stand by you but they want to avoid the conflict. I wouldnt take it to heart. Right now things are difficult and it seems like they arent with you. They are probably trying to understand themselves and figure out how best to keep the situation positive for the kids.

        As for your stbx, try to keep a level head, ignore, smile and nod while swearing in your head and chalk all negative responses up to crazy. Youll get through this!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by magic3 View Post
          It's him towards me. I'm the 'she'.
          Sorry. Hard to figure that out sometimes.

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          • #6
            Well now that that's out of the way.....

            No, your family does not have to choose "your side". Perhaps they recognize that, as adults, they are free to make their own choices, and there really shouldn't be any "sides" in divorce. It just is.

            Your expectations are unreasonable, you cannot expect people to feel what you feel - especially given they likely recognize you are very biased. Your family should be just that - family. If you need a place to vent and get help in dealing with things, get a therapist. Often times in divorce, family and friends drift away because they get tired of the drama, venting and having to hear about it all of the time. Don't use your children or family as therapist, stop expecting people to choose sides, and don't hold it against them if they refuse to choose sides because they choose to be less judgmental and more open minded.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
              Well now that that's out of the way.....

              No, your family does not have to choose "your side". Perhaps they recognize that, as adults, they are free to make their own choices, and there really shouldn't be any "sides" in divorce. It just is.

              Your expectations are unreasonable, you cannot expect people to feel what you feel - especially given they likely recognize you are very biased. Your family should be just that - family. If you need a place to vent and get help in dealing with things, get a therapist. Often times in divorce, family and friends drift away because they get tired of the drama, venting and having to hear about it all of the time. Don't use your children or family as therapist, stop expecting people to choose sides, and don't hold it against them if they refuse to choose sides because they choose to be less judgmental and more open minded.
              Thanks. Obviously the whole process would be way easier if I had no bias

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              • #8
                Indeed.

                You may find that one of the most effective ways of dealing with a high conflict person is to respond with apathy - or not at all. They will escalate briefly attempting to get a response, if you consistently do not respond with what they are looking for, they will eventually get bored and hopefully eventually stop.

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                • #9
                  Yes, I am learning to ignore. It is very difficult when someone is constantly hurling horrible names and accusations at you, sometimes in front of 3 young children. Or in my face threatening me. It`s really crappy.

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                  • #10
                    It is, but as the saying goes "don't feed the trolls..."

                    I'm sure Links would agree.

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                    • #11
                      Yes, I am learning to ignore. It is very difficult when someone is constantly hurling horrible names and accusations at you, sometimes in front of 3 young children. Or in my face threatening me. It`s really crappy.
                      It is impossible that a guy cheats on you and then (ALL) your family welcomes him into their homes AND he is bitter and angry with you (and NOT vice versa).

                      All the symptoms indicate you were a crappy person.

                      C'mon, I might have once been married but I'm not that stupid.

                      Now I'll contribute positively...

                      I did have a couple of family members that tried to keep a positive relation with my ex "for the kids". I told them step the f*** away and I that expect their unquestionable support and that I will handle my ex and my kids.

                      I told them they can do what they like but that I was hurt they would keep any sort of relationship with my tramp ex-wife. That was pretty much the end of it. Everybody else in my family thinks my ex-wife is a psycho...

                      Balls on the table

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                      • #12
                        You might be surprised by reaction of some people close to you.

                        It is helpful to know that many people are simply afraid of what has happened to you happening to them.

                        I'd recommend not pushing "your version" of events on anyone. In time, if people want to know they will ask you and you can decide whether or not to share this very personal tragic part of your life with them.

                        In the end you will know who your true friends are. Don't expect it to happen overnight.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by magic3 View Post
                          we are in an ugly phase of our impending divorce right now - conflict is high, verbal abuse, sarcasm, intimidation, etc.
                          As you can see, some never mature enough to move past the abuse, sarcasm and intimidation. Unfortunately for them, their bitterness will narrow and darken their perspective of the world for many, many years – Gollum style.

                          There really are no ‘sides’ for the children. You have an opportunity both for yourself, and for the children, to try to move past some of your hurt and anger that we all encounter in a separation/divorce, by focusing on the children.

                          Their relationship with their family as a whole, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., is what supports them as they grow up, and keeping those lines of communication for your ex and your family is not harmful to you (although I can appreciate, you would feel hurt initially).

                          For the first 2-3 years post separation, my ex and I tried to continue the kidlet’s normal pattern on holidays with attending at both family gatherings, as we typically would have as a couple. I encouraged my siblings to invite and include our kidlet rather than I (and in turn, the ex and his partner) to my family holiday gatherings when she was not with me – I would rather her be there with her cousins, etc., than I [and really, aren’t they, for the most part, dull anyway?]

                          You are going to have years of holidays in your future where the kidlets will be with your ex, and wouldn’t it be comfortable for them, if they knew they were welcome at all households?

                          I can assure you, eventually it gets awkward for both families, and for the 3 of us, it changed into our exchanging kidlet on most of the holiday weekend events irrespective of the schedule, so she could participate in his family holiday gatherings and in mine – but that takes a certain level of advance scheduling of turkeys and mutual agreement that you can’t be expected to have coming out of the gate.

                          You will get there, if you don’t Gollum
                          Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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                          • #14
                            I feel for you. My parents basically betrayed me with my first ex-husband. When we were dating (I was still living at home) He wasn't welcomed on the property and my parents did everything to keep us apart. I moved out to live with him and he wasn't welcome at Christmas etc at my parents. When we were getting married on the wedding day my dad offered to buy me a new car not to go through with it.

                            They saw the bruises on me when he beat me. They were constantly telling me to leave him and actually were looking into apartments for me behind my back.

                            Flash forward..when he and I split then they were his best buddies. He was bringing his new girlfriends over to my parents. He and they exchanged Christmas gifts and they even helped him move from where he was boarding after the separation to another town and hour away with a new gf.

                            When I questioned them about it my dad said they couldn't force him to leave the property. Hmm when he and I dated my dad grabbed him by the hair and forced him off the property physically.

                            I never felt so hurt and betrayed by my parents and that changed my relationship with them forever.
                            Last edited by standing on the sidelines; 04-14-2016, 07:24 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                              I did have a couple of family members that tried to keep a positive relation with my ex "for the kids". I told them step the f*** away and I that expect their unquestionable support and that I will handle my ex and my kids.

                              I told them they can do what they like but that I was hurt they would keep any sort of relationship with my tramp ex-wife. That was pretty much the end of it. Everybody else in my family thinks my ex-wife is a psycho...

                              Balls on the table
                              This! Anyone who isn't 100% in your corner against someone who cheated on you, lied to you and is threatening you and making the divorce difficult needs to be out of your life right now.

                              Since they're family, give them a warning that they may not realize that he's lying to them, but he is, and he is treating you horribly, and for your own emotional recovery, you're going to have to distance yourself from them if they're still friendly with him. You just can't be close to someone who would overlook or forgive his crappy behaviour.

                              Comment

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