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How to move on after threats- Dad wants to be a dad

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  • How to move on after threats- Dad wants to be a dad

    Hi all- first time post. Got here while looking for tips on dealing with the OCL.

    So the story is fairly boiler plate- aggressive verbal and emotional abuse started when I was pregnant with our 20 month old. At first- just shouting and calling me names during disagreements (c*nt, whore, dumb b*tch)....from there, it kept escalating with each disagreement. Things such as breaking my possessions, cocking his hand back in a show to hit me, and tearing up our daughters favourite kids book.

    It finally came to a head on the night of separation- when I said it was time for us to get divorced- he lost his mind. Mocking me, trying to engage with me to fight, when I wouldn't and said I wanted him to stop smoking weed around our daughter and storing it in the house (I always made him smoke outside- but him wanting to interact with her after- and even drive with her while high were a huge source of conflict). He said if I messed with his stuff- I would see what he'd do to mine- and I asked him what he meant...he said he would kill my daughter (he said "I'll kill YOUR daughter"- not "our")....he said maybe he'd slit her throat while she's sleeping. Later he said he'd keep her and kill me instead. I called the police for an escort out of the house- and took my daughter to my parents home. I didn't tell the police that night because I was distraught and just wanted out- and I was thinking "he's her dad, I don't want to ruin his life"...but the next day- the words and the threats, and how horrific and specific they were. I reported it to the police. He was charged with two counts uttering death threats and one count assault. We both lawyered up- and have started the divorce process. I allowed access fairly soon after- because it is supervised (he paid for a private supervision company)....since then, we tried to mediate (at my insistence) but the mediator actually refused our matter because she felt that the mediation process couldn't address all the risks to my daughter. She said go get the OCL involved.

    He's put in his application, I've put in my answer. He kept pushign for unsupervised access- and I said he had to get help first, and refused. His lawyer started the CC process so they could bring a motion for unsupervised access. I pushed for a four way meeting with our lawyers instead. We finally sat down with our lawyers in the room (my lawyer is a collaborative lawyer- his is...not). Through his lawyer- he said the "incident" was a huge wake up call and I asked that he do at minimum 10 counselling sessions for his anger management- and substance issues (he smokes weed all the time, and is a binge alcoholic and mean when drunk).....he reluctantly agreed. Most telling was that he said he wants to be in our daughter's life- that she should have two parents. I don't disagree.

    I know there are a lot of involved dads on this board....so the question I have is how do I proceed so he can be involved- but in a safe way. Before he made that threat to her- he had once before used her as a way to get 'back at me' [he wouldn't let her come to me one evening to nurse and physically kept moving her around the house- I had to call his mom to plead with him to give her back to me so she could nurse].

    Do I even bother? He wants to be involved. I think it would be good for her to know and have a relationship with both parents...but how do I ensure her safety?

  • #2
    Are you in Ontario, a police call and charges would lead to a CAS investigation. What is their position? They can help you with a safety plan.

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    • #3
      You trust the ex at their word that instance was a wake up call and that they have made strides to be a better person. They agreed to the counseling, which I would say anyone would be reluctant to do. But ultimately they agreed.


      The ex has issues with you, and now that you two are not together it is hoped that those triggers will be reduced.


      There are no guarantees that everything will be great. There are no ways you can 100% ensure the child's safety, that goes for even if you and the ex got along perfectly as things happen.


      A lot of the background provided is simply noise and biased perspective. We hear emotional, verbal abuse..blah, blah a lot. So do judges. It means very little as, until affirmed by the court, it is simply ones perspective.


      The child does deserve both parents. This isn't a matter of you agreeing or allowing it to happen. The courts will allow it to happen, you are just along for the ride. The reasoning for that is that it is in the child's best interests that relationships with both parents be facilitated and contact maximized. You will be unsuccessful in trying to negate the ex's ability to parent so you may as well accept that they will be involved in the child's life, for better and worse.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by kate331 View Post
        Are you in Ontario, a police call and charges would lead to a CAS investigation. What is their position? They can help you with a safety plan.
        It was automatically sent to CAS because of the threat made against our daughter. CAS investigated- and closed their file based on the fact that she is safe now- I have de facto custodial care because of his bail conditions and his visits are supervised.

        I was referred to victim high risk support- and they helped me put a safety plan in place for both of us. I also have a safety plan at work.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
          You trust the ex at their word that instance was a wake up call and that they have made strides to be a better person. They agreed to the counseling, which I would say anyone would be reluctant to do. But ultimately they agreed.


          The ex has issues with you, and now that you two are not together it is hoped that those triggers will be reduced.


          There are no guarantees that everything will be great. There are no ways you can 100% ensure the child's safety, that goes for even if you and the ex got along perfectly as things happen.


          A lot of the background provided is simply noise and biased perspective. We hear emotional, verbal abuse..blah, blah a lot. So do judges. It means very little as, until affirmed by the court, it is simply ones perspective.


          The child does deserve both parents. This isn't a matter of you agreeing or allowing it to happen. The courts will allow it to happen, you are just along for the ride. The reasoning for that is that it is in the child's best interests that relationships with both parents be facilitated and contact maximized. You will be unsuccessful in trying to negate the ex's ability to parent so you may as well accept that they will be involved in the child's life, for better and worse.
          Pretty much- the courts are desensitized to intimate partner violence. It really is a shame though because- how often is a person's abusive conduct towards a spouse (male or female) ever limited to *just* the spouse? Not often. And the issue here is that you have a non-verbal toddler. She can't tell me if her dad loses his shit.

          I agree with you that she deserves both parents. I am in no way trying to negate his ability to parent- I was the one who contacted his lawyer to start arranging access right away- but I sure as hell made sure that the access is supervised for now. And I've been in agreement to increase the amount of access...

          BUT this is all premised on him getting help to control his anger and rage issues. And for the record- everything that I have asked of him- I have agreed to myself (e.g. therapy, agreement to attend co-parenting counselling)....

          But I guess your answer is that I just have to hope for the best? That's a really tough pill to swallow when it's your kids safety and wellbeing at stake.

          Comment


          • #6
            You did the right thing... however, that being said... my heart bleeds for you and your child. You have entered the realm of family court where abusers reign supreme and the child’s best interests does NOT include keeping them alive. OCL do not do a risk assessment. CAS will not stay involved as they are under the misconception that a risk assessment will be undertaken in family court. NOT.
            Any and all allegations whether proven or not will be dismissed by all family court judges. Your situation is dire. You can no longer protect your child and family court will make sure that you can’t. The only time the judge will realize you were not making false allegations is when there is a serious or fatal incident.

            So very sad for you . Good luck.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
              Pretty much- the courts are desensitized to intimate partner violence.

              Unfortunately, there is a massive level of false accusations as a custody battle tactic. Some innocents get caught up in the crossfire.


              It really is a shame though because- how often is a person's abusive conduct towards a spouse (male or female) ever limited to *just* the spouse?
              Find some research that supports that statement, bring it to court. Find some evidence that the father has abused the child, bring it to court. Courts don't handle "maybe in the future perhaps" very well. They need evidence.


              but I sure as hell made sure that the access is supervised for now. And I've been in agreement to increase the amount of access...
              Perhaps if there was a concrete guaranteed plan to stop supervised access, that would work as a compromise?


              Unsupervised automatically begins after:
              a) 10 successful supervised visits AND
              b) proof furnished of successful completion of anger management course

              but... let's be honest, you'll never feel safe having your child with him alone. Despite your feelings, he will eventually get unsupervised visits. If you work out a plan, you can control the process. If you hope to stop it forever, eventually the court will set the terms.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Janus View Post
                Unfortunately, there is a massive level of false accusations as a custody battle tactic. Some innocents get caught up in the crossfire.



                Find some research that supports that statement, bring it to court. Find some evidence that the father has abused the child, bring it to court. Courts don't handle "maybe in the future perhaps" very well. They need evidence.



                Perhaps if there was a concrete guaranteed plan to stop supervised access, that would work as a compromise?


                Unsupervised automatically begins after:
                a) 10 successful supervised visits AND
                b) proof furnished of successful completion of anger management course

                but... let's be honest, you'll never feel safe having your child with him alone. Despite your feelings, he will eventually get unsupervised visits. If you work out a plan, you can control the process. If you hope to stop it forever, eventually the court will set the terms.
                thanks for your input. I'm trying something like what you stated regarding the unsupervised access arrangement.

                I asked him to complete at minimum 10 (min 1hr) counselling sessions with a registered psychologist or psychotherapist [I'm doing the same]. I believe he's being offered a plea deal whereby he signs a peace bond and completes the Partner Assault Response program he won't receive a record. I said during out without prejudice meeting that if he completes all this- and the visits go well- I'm okay with unsupervised access. And after we do this- we can work with a mediator to figure out a parenting schedule whereby she gets to spend a good amount of time with each of us each week.

                I read the stories here and copious amounts of family law decisions- and I just see how terrible and acrimonious these fights can get. I don't want that for our daughter of for ourselves. We shouldn't be spending the money and time on fighting each other- but starting to rebuild our lives....but maybe I'm being really naive.

                Comment

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