Hi all- first time post. Got here while looking for tips on dealing with the OCL.
So the story is fairly boiler plate- aggressive verbal and emotional abuse started when I was pregnant with our 20 month old. At first- just shouting and calling me names during disagreements (c*nt, whore, dumb b*tch)....from there, it kept escalating with each disagreement. Things such as breaking my possessions, cocking his hand back in a show to hit me, and tearing up our daughters favourite kids book.
It finally came to a head on the night of separation- when I said it was time for us to get divorced- he lost his mind. Mocking me, trying to engage with me to fight, when I wouldn't and said I wanted him to stop smoking weed around our daughter and storing it in the house (I always made him smoke outside- but him wanting to interact with her after- and even drive with her while high were a huge source of conflict). He said if I messed with his stuff- I would see what he'd do to mine- and I asked him what he meant...he said he would kill my daughter (he said "I'll kill YOUR daughter"- not "our")....he said maybe he'd slit her throat while she's sleeping. Later he said he'd keep her and kill me instead. I called the police for an escort out of the house- and took my daughter to my parents home. I didn't tell the police that night because I was distraught and just wanted out- and I was thinking "he's her dad, I don't want to ruin his life"...but the next day- the words and the threats, and how horrific and specific they were. I reported it to the police. He was charged with two counts uttering death threats and one count assault. We both lawyered up- and have started the divorce process. I allowed access fairly soon after- because it is supervised (he paid for a private supervision company)....since then, we tried to mediate (at my insistence) but the mediator actually refused our matter because she felt that the mediation process couldn't address all the risks to my daughter. She said go get the OCL involved.
He's put in his application, I've put in my answer. He kept pushign for unsupervised access- and I said he had to get help first, and refused. His lawyer started the CC process so they could bring a motion for unsupervised access. I pushed for a four way meeting with our lawyers instead. We finally sat down with our lawyers in the room (my lawyer is a collaborative lawyer- his is...not). Through his lawyer- he said the "incident" was a huge wake up call and I asked that he do at minimum 10 counselling sessions for his anger management- and substance issues (he smokes weed all the time, and is a binge alcoholic and mean when drunk).....he reluctantly agreed. Most telling was that he said he wants to be in our daughter's life- that she should have two parents. I don't disagree.
I know there are a lot of involved dads on this board....so the question I have is how do I proceed so he can be involved- but in a safe way. Before he made that threat to her- he had once before used her as a way to get 'back at me' [he wouldn't let her come to me one evening to nurse and physically kept moving her around the house- I had to call his mom to plead with him to give her back to me so she could nurse].
Do I even bother? He wants to be involved. I think it would be good for her to know and have a relationship with both parents...but how do I ensure her safety?
So the story is fairly boiler plate- aggressive verbal and emotional abuse started when I was pregnant with our 20 month old. At first- just shouting and calling me names during disagreements (c*nt, whore, dumb b*tch)....from there, it kept escalating with each disagreement. Things such as breaking my possessions, cocking his hand back in a show to hit me, and tearing up our daughters favourite kids book.
It finally came to a head on the night of separation- when I said it was time for us to get divorced- he lost his mind. Mocking me, trying to engage with me to fight, when I wouldn't and said I wanted him to stop smoking weed around our daughter and storing it in the house (I always made him smoke outside- but him wanting to interact with her after- and even drive with her while high were a huge source of conflict). He said if I messed with his stuff- I would see what he'd do to mine- and I asked him what he meant...he said he would kill my daughter (he said "I'll kill YOUR daughter"- not "our")....he said maybe he'd slit her throat while she's sleeping. Later he said he'd keep her and kill me instead. I called the police for an escort out of the house- and took my daughter to my parents home. I didn't tell the police that night because I was distraught and just wanted out- and I was thinking "he's her dad, I don't want to ruin his life"...but the next day- the words and the threats, and how horrific and specific they were. I reported it to the police. He was charged with two counts uttering death threats and one count assault. We both lawyered up- and have started the divorce process. I allowed access fairly soon after- because it is supervised (he paid for a private supervision company)....since then, we tried to mediate (at my insistence) but the mediator actually refused our matter because she felt that the mediation process couldn't address all the risks to my daughter. She said go get the OCL involved.
He's put in his application, I've put in my answer. He kept pushign for unsupervised access- and I said he had to get help first, and refused. His lawyer started the CC process so they could bring a motion for unsupervised access. I pushed for a four way meeting with our lawyers instead. We finally sat down with our lawyers in the room (my lawyer is a collaborative lawyer- his is...not). Through his lawyer- he said the "incident" was a huge wake up call and I asked that he do at minimum 10 counselling sessions for his anger management- and substance issues (he smokes weed all the time, and is a binge alcoholic and mean when drunk).....he reluctantly agreed. Most telling was that he said he wants to be in our daughter's life- that she should have two parents. I don't disagree.
I know there are a lot of involved dads on this board....so the question I have is how do I proceed so he can be involved- but in a safe way. Before he made that threat to her- he had once before used her as a way to get 'back at me' [he wouldn't let her come to me one evening to nurse and physically kept moving her around the house- I had to call his mom to plead with him to give her back to me so she could nurse].
Do I even bother? He wants to be involved. I think it would be good for her to know and have a relationship with both parents...but how do I ensure her safety?
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