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  • Suggestions re: Father who cancels access wknds

    Just looking for tips/advice from parents on this board who have an EX that cancels access with the child - and I mean OFTEN.

    My S13 appears to be fine with it. He is by all accounts, a happy and outgoing boy. There is absolutely no point in me trying to cattle-prod "Dad" into seeing S13. Not only do we not talk (that is long-standing) but he cannot be reasoned with.

    Once again this weekend was cancelled (2 days ago, via text to Child) and once again, Dad claims to be "sick." It's completely untrue and the same excuse is used more times than I can count.

    What I'd like to get some feedback on, is how should I discuss this with S13? As I said, he "appears" to be fine with all of it, and I do initiate some dialogue but I just want to make sure that he is not feeling stung by rejection. He sees (and comments to me) how other kids' dads are, (some single, some married) - sees their involvement with their kids (S13's friends). I'm happy that he seems to be able to take the cancellations in stride - but I can't help wondering: what's he really feeling/thinking and how can I make sure that he is not feeling angry/hurt deep down inside. He's a typical boy, and gives off the "yeah, whatever" attitude (re: his father's numerous 'illnesses') but I don't completely buy it.

    Aside from reassurance and letting him know I'm here to talk to, and to listen; is there anything more I can do?

    Thanks!

  • #2
    Sounds like you are doing a great job of being a Mom and staying in tune to your sons feelings.I have a happy go lucky S13 too, adjusted and fun loving. Dad is un-involved, only doing the duty to prove something to the courts now, also have s18, who has no relationship caz dear old dad dropped the ball on that years ago, now is trying to connect to S13. He too takes it in stride, would rather be with his buds or his brothers and just wants the choice ro go or not

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    • #3
      Thx Cynthia. Maybe the kids are doing (even) better than we think

      My "dad" was not in the immediate picture growing up. More like, he lurked in the background being a total pain in the ass to my mom. I never "wished" HE was there for me - but I found myself in the later teenage years/early 20's wishing I'd had "A" Dad. Any Dad but the one I did have.

      Fortunately, I grew up in busy downtown Toronto and there were lots of kids who lived with only one parent. Some saw/knew their other parent, some didn't.

      Out in the burbs lol, it's pretty family-oriented here. Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids, the whole nine yards. Thankfully S13 does have some friends that are living with just one parent, but most are from the traditional nuclear family. S13 has Grade 8 Graduation coming up soon. It is going to be quite the event, at a banquet Hall. He is adamant that he does not want DAD to know about it, let alone ATTEND. I asked "are you worried he'd say 'no' or that he'd say 'yes' and not show?" He replied, "I don't want him there and if you insisted that I ask him to come, I'd be hoping he said 'no' (that he couldn't make it")

      He has an "o.k." time when he goes to his father's house. I think he's pretty bored though. Dad does nothing one-on-one w/him and S13 doesn't see any of his usual friends when he's there.
      Dad is married w/two very young children. I guess this is just the way it goes. It's unfortunate. His father could do so much more, and he's a terrific kid. I don't know how he can be okay with short changing him like this. Ultimately, I predict there will be no relationship between them.

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      • #4
        And the irony is there are a ton of great dads here on this forum who love the chance to be with their kids more, and we are stuck with the lazy, uninvolved ex's....if your son doesn't want him at grad,respect his wishes, and I am sure mine will not want their dad there either,(and the older ones didn't at their grade 8 grad) and I will respect that, cause maybe I think anyway with my situation, mine would be embarrassed somewhat. I am a very involved mom in every way, sports, volunteering etc. and so I know everyone, friends coaches teachers and then if he is there strange questions may have to be handled like whos that guy???..they have been in 1 school JK-8, and then 9-12, I have never moved from my neighborhood,.....I have been on my own since they were 3 & 8...and he had very very liberal access but never used it. All we can do is hang in and be the best and as supportive as we can be no matter what our sons decide.

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        • #5
          There's nothing you can do.

          Dad is a goof - that's all there is to it.

          I don't think you bring it up to the child. If he comes to you, you tell him Dad loves him very much. Then you smile and give him a hug.

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          • #6
            That is exactly what I say if they have that look on their face. I tell them he loves you very much just has a different way of expressing it....and we carry on

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            • #7
              Yes, the irony you mention above has definitely not gone unnoticed by me, Cynthia. Your children are fortunate to have a mom that provides so much stability and continuity.

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              • #8
                Thank you....

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by cynthia10 View Post
                  That is exactly what I say if they have that look on their face. I tell them he loves you very much just has a different way of expressing it....and we carry on
                  This makes me sad. The 'look on his face' part.

                  I try my damndest to be there each and every time. Sometimes I need to pick up an extra shift at work, and I will tell my boy that I won't be able to pick him up from school next Tuesday for our usual visit.

                  I see 'that look' on his face when I do - and its both sad and glorious to see. Glorious because it fills my heart to know that such a wonderful little boy looks up to me and counts the days until he can see me next. And, sad because I feel I have let him down.

                  I have friends - well, at least I used to have friends, that have kids and didn't make time for them. I don't really hang out with them anymore, and there's a reason for that.

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                  • #10
                    WO: I bet your son has a world of admiration for you. No doubt he trusts what you say and I'm sure he sees your disappointment when you have to cancel. That will mean a lot to him too.

                    There's a big difference between that, and text msging the child and lying about why you're canceling. EX is so moronic, he has no clue that the child does not believe a word he says. The biggest thing my ex is losing from S13 is Trust and Respect. Those are difficult, if not impossible to get back.

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                    • #11
                      Here's an update: another "GOOD JOB" Star for Dad of the Year. The Wednesdays that dad (in his words and on court docs) "fought for" - to see S13 on Wed's afterschool for a few hrs (also part of our order) - have been officially cancelled by Dad. No, of course not in writing (to me) - he told S13 this past Wed (he actually picked him up for a change) that he's "too busy" to continue with the Wednesdays, and that his wife (is)"bitching at him for not being home more to help with the kids." (2 kids, both under the age of 2.5). NICE! So f*cking pathetic.. Him AND the wife.

                      ^ Isn't this lovely?? So - do I address this in an email - for clarification purposes - and to have a paper trail of the unilateral cancellation of the "fought for" Wednesdays? I don't want to make it sound confrontational or reveal exactly what S13 said to me - but I would like to have the "move" reflected in writing. Any suggestions?

                      The silver lining here is that our son is 13, and is quite busy with friends - as well - the Wednesdays RARELY took place - but once again - what msg does this send to S13? I'm not going to go into that with EX. He couldn't care less. I simply think there should be an email that addresses the cancellation seeing as it is part of a Court Order we have.

                      * Son says he doesn't care re: not seeing him on Wednesdays. He said something else too - about what he thought of Dad's character. The father is a total, utter disgrace beyond help.
                      Last edited by hadenough; 05-11-2012, 11:02 AM.

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                      • #12
                        Hi
                        My name is Joseph Goldberg and I think I can help you
                        with the problem you are having. It sounds to me like you
                        may have problems with parental alienation. Are you at
                        all familar with this term ? I am an expert in this field and
                        I work helping parents and their lawyers on these types
                        of cases.
                        Please visit my website at - Goldberg & Associates
                        If you would like to contact me directly please write to me
                        at jgoldberg@cspas.org ( I am also the Founder of the
                        Canadian Sympsoium for Parental Alienation Syndrome.)
                        I do charge a fee for a consultation. Perhaps if you would
                        like to go into more details with me I can tell you how I'd
                        be able to best help you.

                        Comment

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