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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 05-08-2006, 07:41 PM
trueblue trueblue is offline
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Default trying to escape the throngs of adversarial laywers

What does my lawyer mean when he says " Don't undermine me" in regards to trying to approach my exspouse in a non-confrontational way to settle things. He uses words like boobytrap me or threatens to withdraw if I offer a mediation attempt to settle or even Divorce counselling.
I am tired of it all and the lawyers are really milking this thing
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Old 05-08-2006, 07:49 PM
Divorcemanagement Divorcemanagement is offline
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Trueblue:

You are in charge of your case - not your lawyer. You have every right to call into question your lawyer's approach and your lawyer's assessment of your legal case. Frankly if you are looking at resolving matters without accessing the courts and your lawyer is against that - I would wonder whether it might be worthwhile to seek a second opinion.
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Old 05-08-2006, 07:49 PM
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you are the one in the drivers seat with your lawyer. I think you need to have a talk with him about what you want from him. He seems like he wants an adversarial way of getting this divorce settled! If that is not what you want then you need to tell him this! IF he still doesn't listen think about changing lawyers. Perhaps with someone with CFL training or at the very least interested in mediation and such.

Does your spouse and his attorney have all the big guns out? Perhaps this is a question for you to ask your lawyer why he is so opposed to a non confrontational way of dealing with this.... Is he concerned with you giving up too much- even so he gives his advice and lets you make those decisions.
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Old 05-08-2006, 08:14 PM
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First, tell your lawyer straight-up about your concerns, whether they relate to the overall strategy of the case, the cost-effectiveness, or whatever they may be. Your lawyer may have a good reason for taking a certain step, but since you're paying for the advice, make sure you understand and approve of it.

Secondly, get your lawyer to give you an action plan, a plan by which she or he is going to move your matter to resolution. This will enable you to evaluate the overall strategy the lawyer has in mind and may help you to evaluate better the specific tactics about which you are in doubt.

Finally, if you're still not satisfied as to the tactics the lawyer wants to undertake on your behalf, get a second opinion from another lawyer. Put the facts fairly to that lawyer. If his or her advice differs from that of your lawyer, decide which advice seems most reasonable and with which you feel most comfortable. Then, either instruct your lawyer to change course or think about changing lawyers. You should change lawyers if, you've lost confidence in your own lawyer. In short, your lawyer should proceed only in a manner that provides an intellectual and psychological comfort level for you. Remember: the lawyer gives the advice, you give the instructions
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Old 05-08-2006, 09:16 PM
trueblue trueblue is offline
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Default Thanks for the replies..need to blow off some steam

I have previously considered all your suggestions, many many times I have searched my mind and heart, I am aware of the ability to switch lawyers. I have 56 pounds of paper from back and forth sniping. I had already been down the collaboration route prior to my spouse abandoning the process in anger and hiring a gutter lawyer. I was advised to hire a lawyer to stand up to these tactics and here we are 2 years later and It doesn't work either...in fact it is worse, much much worse on the children. "Best interests of the children" Fogedaboudit. I have learned the adversarial system or court and lawyers are in the worst interest in the children category and without a doubt distresses and oppresses all involved exponentially by the time extended families,schools,friends ,neighbors,co-workers,clergy etc. It doesn't work for divorcing families already suffering to be subjected to yet even more threats and fears and disruption.

So ,two bulldog lawyers who instigate division of heart mind and soul and ask for payment to do this and advise not to talk to each other for fear of blown egos or undermining,,,, How do you approach your fueding spouse who is angry and convince her this isn't working for anybody. you can't throw in the towel, you can't switch lawyers and bring them up to speed without their cut.
I can't give up my claim because there is a counterclaim and I am boxed in(trapped) Give up your kids,let them move away,give up your property, have supervised access due to false allegations and inferences. Hire mental health experts blah,blah blah. Take the high road don't stoop to the othersides level,let truth and angels be on our side....it is all scripted and the more I learn the more I see, it is a huge industry built upon human misery and is in the worst interest of the children. Sure you can say it is all we have for a system, to that I say then we don't have anything and only money keeps the games going around.
I have read Wendy Dennis book Divorce from Hell and the names are different but the story is pretty much the same.
Compassion and healing is not in the repertoir of the court system for family law.

Please keep the suggestions coming,I better quit venting, frustrations are running deep, but I had to say it and what better place than here. Even the words used in litigation are obtuse and apathetic .there is no such thing as visitation between an adoring nurturing parent and a loving child. I think it is far better to bend to a vindictive spouse then to befriend a mercenary lawyer. the whole process takes on a life of its own, you fund it but you have very little control over it and I was naive to think I gave the instructions.
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Old 05-08-2006, 09:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Grace
Finally, if you're still not satisfied as to the tactics the lawyer wants to undertake on your behalf, get a second opinion from another lawyer. Put the facts fairly to that lawyer. If his or her advice differs from that of your lawyer, decide which advice seems most reasonable and with which you feel most comfortable. Then, either instruct your lawyer to change course or think about changing lawyers. You should change lawyers if, you've lost confidence in your own lawyer. In short, your lawyer should proceed only in a manner that provides an intellectual and psychological comfort level for you.
I think people forget that this option exists. If they're not happy with a prescribed course of medical treatment, people generally don't hesitate to shop around for a second opinion. There's nothing wrong with getting a second opinion, and you may want to do this even if you decide that it's not feasible to transfer lawyers. It's really hard for an outsider to say whether a lawyer is doing something wrong unless they sit down and spend an hour or two going through the case with you.
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Old 05-08-2006, 09:53 PM
trueblue trueblue is offline
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Default Thanks Jeff and everyone

I have gone to see a second lawyer a few times and the reponse is.....you are in a war, it is a bloodbath and a race to the bottom. you are going to have to see the process through...and it does not take two to tango in litigation,one side hellbent on revenge is enough to see that the family is sufficiently damaged beyond recognition. Give in to the demands or pay a like-minded barracuda lawyer and crawl around in the gutter with everyone.
I was continually advised a negotiating lawyer however experienced will not work against your spouses lawyer he needs to brought in line with a similar style lawyer....and so it goes.

I am so fed up with this sort of treatment and intimidation for all of us. there has got to be a way to iron things out without seeming to undermine or boobytrap my own lawyer for the sake of the children and for the parents and family sake.
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Old 05-08-2006, 10:47 PM
Grace Grace is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trueblue
I have read Wendy Dennis book Divorce from Hell and the names are different but the story is pretty much the same.
Compassion and healing is not in the repertoir of the court system for family law.
OMG trueblue how true, and I speak from a women's perspective. A friend of mine, on this forum recommended this book to me. I ordered it from Amazon and much to my horror the bad behaving lawyer in this book, was indeed opposing counsel. I won't mention his name on the forum, but from the description of him in the book, it totally mirrored his behaviour both inside and outside of court, down to the tattered robes he wears in court to his obsession with the fax machine moments before a motion. And he loves adjournments and delays to give him more time. He also loves the courtroom theatrics and he loves to litigate. Unfortunely with these types of lawyers, and I hope they are far and few between, you do need a seasoned litigator as opposed to a lawyer.

I wish you all the best in your situation.
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Old 05-08-2006, 10:59 PM
trueblue trueblue is offline
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Default thanks Grace

I told him I don't want to harm or punish my soon to be ex or spill over to my kids. It fell on deaf ears. I would rather get pushed around at times by my ex then talk with my lawyer he is akin to Moshpit Writer as opposed to Waldin(you know who I mean).They are the same regardless, I don't need to reach further depths of despair to see where this is going, yet with all the catch 22's they have us boxed in some how.
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Old 05-08-2006, 11:39 PM
Grace Grace is offline
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I hope that there are only a few lawyers out there with these ethics & tactics. The rest are decent human beings. But if you are up against the R.Z. (and you know who I mean) lawyers then fact of matter is you also need a strong litigator on your side. Collaborative & mediation wont work in these cases. It's a fight to the finish in court. Perhaps this is why your lawyer said "Don't undermine me".

I hope and pray that you don't 'give up" like the book ends.
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