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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 07-26-2012, 10:31 AM
Momymonkey Momymonkey is offline
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I feel like Im banging my head against the wall.................and fear that I have finally given up!!

6 months ago - My x called to discuss bad smoking habits by our 15yr old. Cigarettes and weed. Made some suggestions, but they were not approved

2 months ago - Our 15yr old was expelled from school indefinetly due to bringing a knife to school. After investigation it was agreed that he would see school council and he would be allowed back to school as they don't believe there was any malicious intent. The suspension was for 4 days. He stayed with me those 4 days and we caught up on all his overdue homework. I spoke with the school councilor and it was determined that he was fine and if needed to talk more he was to make an appointment with her..............That is all I was allowed to know about........... I'm the NCP(yes we have joint custody with primary res with Dad)

Present time - I just finished my 5wk summer access with my 15 yr old son. While my son was with me, he was sat down and explained all the rules of the house. The #1 rule was that he was to have no friends in the house while we were not home. My current husband works shifts so his time at the home was always different during the work week. It went well for a few weeks then everything went to hell in a hand basket. I discovered he had other kids in the house and booze started going missing and he would come home hours past his curfew, even a few times I went searching for him at 1am & when I found him he was stoned. I would ground him and when I would get home from work he would be gone and I would have to find him again ..............after 4wks I was pulling my hair out and just felt like giving up. By the 5th week, he had broken the camels back................he took the car to his Dad's, taken money, and drove back, damaging the car when he tried to back it into the garage. Unfortunately we did not discover it for a few days(we don't drive that vehicle often). As we did not catch him red handed, can we be really sure that he did it?????? He did fessed up a few days later I just thank god nothing happened to him or anyone else while he was making the biggest mistake of his teen life!!

The car is in my husbands name with my husbands insurance. My husband drives professionally and cannot afford to have any bad press against his insurance/license or it could affect his job.

I hate that I made this decision but Im not taking the risk of my husband losing his job if anything like this happens again...............I told my ex that our son was not allowed to come over unless he was willing to earn our trust back.

Of course that started a huge battle and naturally so...............

I have spoken with Youth Services, there isnt much I can do without CP permission, but he will never give it if I suggest it..............How do I make him see that our son needs help!?!?!?!?! Im tired of fighting!!
  #2  
Old 07-26-2012, 10:41 AM
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I would strongly recommend reading a small paperback book "Tough Love" by Phyllis and Dvaid York and Ted Wachtel. They are founders of the national Toughlove movement. I have good friends who joined a local toughlove group when they had problems with out-of-control teenager.

In my opinion, I believe you have to stand your ground and I think you made the correct decision to do what you have done.
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Old 07-26-2012, 11:17 AM
OrleansLawyer OrleansLawyer is offline
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Quote:
How do I make him see that our son needs help!?
An option available is to voluntarily go to Children's Aid. It can help open up programs for your son. I would speak to duty counsel before doing so, however, so that you are fully informed of the process since when CAS is involved a certain amount of control is taken from the parents.
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Old 07-26-2012, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by OrleansLawyer View Post
An option available is to voluntarily go to Children's Aid. It can help open up programs for your son. I would speak to duty counsel before doing so, however, so that you are fully informed of the process since when CAS is involved a certain amount of control is taken from the parents.
When CAS gets involved:

Child and Family Services Act, R.S.O. 1990, c. C.11
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Old 07-26-2012, 11:28 AM
Momymonkey Momymonkey is offline
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Thank you Arabian I will certainly look into that book

Thank you Orleans and Tayken,
Ive been down the CAS road, but he has always sic'd them on me.............. I will contact CAS but as a last resort.

Im thinking of a mediator, to help my X & I have a civil conversation and maybe we can come to a mutual agreement to help resolve our sons issues. Maybe the mediator may have some ideas too????
  #6  
Old 07-26-2012, 11:47 AM
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You take away priveliges, not your love. Being a part of your life isn't a privelige. He already lives with his dad and you've just cut him off from seeing you and being part of his life. And you wonder why Dad is pissed? I would be as well. You just made Dad the bad guy in charge of 'fixing' the kid and sending him back to you when things are easy and convenient.

You seem to want everyone else to fix things and help your kid - except you. CAS, Youth Services, Dad...what are YOU doing to help him? Shame on you.

Sounds more like you, Dad and stepdad need to sit down with the kid all together, explain where things are at currently, the expectations moving forward, and show the kid you are ALL on the same page.

Have you looked into a behaviour contract?

You don't need a mediator, you need a behavioural psychologist. And you and your ex need to get your shit together, start acting like adults and parents/co-parents and get on the same page supporting the kid and each other.
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Old 07-26-2012, 12:07 PM
Momymonkey Momymonkey is offline
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Thanks for your comments Blink, but I must include that although all of the 11yr history cannot be put down on this forum I can safely say that for anything that has gone wrong in all 3 of our boys lives, I have been the one that has been called to the rescue.

example - 2 months ago our son was indefinatly expelled from school, as I mentioned. It was not the CP that took care of meetings with the principle, meeting/speaking with the police officers and meeting/speaking with school council or arranging to get his school work from the teachers & keeping him for the full week of suspension. As soon as the dust settled the CP took over again & took all credit, but he was no where to be found when the proverbial shit hit the fan...................So, do I need to do a little tough love in coming to my home, your darn tootin. Do I ignore my son, absolutely not!! There are other options to give love and attention to my son that don't involve being present in my home.

As I'm sure you have had a difficult time yourself, I will not judge your situation. I'm only asking for advise on how to get my X, the CP, to step up to the plate when it comes to crisis in our child's life and not make it all about how much he hates me...................My son comes first!!!
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Old 07-26-2012, 12:26 PM
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Your son does not need you (or CP) to "come to the rescue"!!!!!

You want a really simple answer????

HE'S 15 YEARS OLD!!!

It is normal for teens to act out and push their limits - a lot ((not all)) will do this!! You say you have three boys - is he the oldest of the three?

You need to do as Blink said - get all parental figures ((mom, dad, step parents)) to sit down together and present to him an iron clad united voice. There can be NO signs of wavering, or he will exploit it!!!

I speak from experience - I was the kid that rebelled as a teen....

The kid is allowed to do stuff only when he can act as a member of the family.... if he wants to be the tough little hot shot, he gets nothing more than a bed to sleep on!!

Tough love, sweetheart!! It will break your heart, and you will feel like it's not working, but it will.... And do not hesitate to call the cops!! If your underage teen takes your car that is theft... even discovering it a few days later call the cops and one will often come out and "speak" to your kid - often it scares the hell out of them!!!


Some of my mom's favourites: I came home way past curfew and drunk (at 15!), my mom's response was to get my ass out of bed at 6 am by banging pots and pans and put me to work!! Then there was the time I missed curfew again (I was 18) - I was locked out of the house and they put my pillow and blanket on the floor of the garage..... my dad was a cop, my mom was CP, she always threatened that if we did anything stupid enough to land ourselves in trouble with the police, to call dad not her - hence we never were in trouble with the cops!

Last edited by cbarker78; 07-26-2012 at 12:32 PM.
  #9  
Old 07-26-2012, 12:49 PM
Momymonkey Momymonkey is offline
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Thanks Barker,

The 15 yr old is the youngest..............we have a 23 & 20yr old and had trouble with both of them. Yes we got thru it but we could never sit down and present a united front.

Unfortunately, after 11yrs, his hatred for me has grown exponentially. I'm tired!!
  #10  
Old 07-26-2012, 12:53 PM
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That's exactly what I'm getting at. From this and your previous posts, you're all about getting the ex to 'do something about' the kid.

Stop trying to get your ex to be something he's not. The only consistent outcome is that he fails and you end up disappointed. You can't 'make him' step up to the plate. You need to handle things in your own home and let him handle them in his.

Ideally the two of you will put your big kid pants on and handle the situation together as a united front. Failing that, you're responsible for your own part but banning the kid from your home, I *guarantee*, will not help.

I offered lots of advice on how BOTH of you can step up to help the kid, you only want to hear ideas on how to get EX to step up? Sorry, not going to happen, you are BOTH his parents, this is something you BOTH need to work on.
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