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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #21  
Old 07-26-2012, 03:24 PM
Momymonkey Momymonkey is offline
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Most of the posts have been telling me to mind "my side of the fence" then that is exactly what I will do!

I think Im going to go with Arabian on this one. My son made the choice to not follow my rules in turn making the choice to walk out that door. In no way does it mean that I will love him any less nor does it mean I wont support him, but I will not allow him to use me as his personal doormat. He knows right from wrong, he chose to disrespect me and his step-dad and do what he pleased damn the consequences

Behavior contract - What do you do when they dont follow these non - negotiable rules.............hmmmmm OUT THE DOOR?????

Yes, Im siding with my husband. It wont be my son the cops come after if god forbid my son hits someone, while joy riding in my husbands car

Im not quite sure what the hell I was thinking posting something here, but I sure as hell wont be doing it again. I can see that there isnt advise being given on this forum but judgement. Judgement is for me an my maker to decide
  #22  
Old 07-26-2012, 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Mhm.....and how's that working for you?
Generally abandonment by a parent doesn't result in positive improvements in a child.
  #23  
Old 07-26-2012, 03:30 PM
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Judgement is for me an my maker to decide
... or a court of competent jurisdiction in the matter.
  #24  
Old 07-26-2012, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momymonkey View Post
Most of the posts have been telling me to mind "my side of the fence" then that is exactly what I will do!

I think Im going to go with Arabian on this one. My son made the choice to not follow my rules in turn making the choice to walk out that door. In no way does it mean that I will love him any less nor does it mean I wont support him, but I will not allow him to use me as his personal doormat. He knows right from wrong, he chose to disrespect me and his step-dad and do what he pleased damn the consequences

Behavior contract - What do you do when they dont follow these non - negotiable rules.............hmmmmm OUT THE DOOR?????

Yes, Im siding with my husband. It wont be my son the cops come after if god forbid my son hits someone, while joy riding in my husbands car

Im not quite sure what the hell I was thinking posting something here, but I sure as hell wont be doing it again. I can see that there isnt advise being given on this forum but judgement. Judgement is for me an my maker to decide
Ahh, so you didn't come for advice, you came for validation. Gotcha.

From your comment, I don't believe you are familiar with a behaviour contract. 'Out the door' is certainly not one of the things you would put in a behaviour contract for a 15 year old. A simple explanation of a behaviour contract (that you write WITH the child) outlines the expectations on both sides, rewards and consequences. That way, everything is in writing so there's no claim of 'I didn't know', you both read, understand and agree to it, sign it and follow through. It's not rocket surgery.

If you didn't have the Ex to pick up your slack when you didn't feel like dealing with the kids' shenanigans, if he were deceased, would you be tossing your 15 year old into the street or would you actually do something to get some help with the issues you're having?
  #25  
Old 07-26-2012, 03:51 PM
Momymonkey Momymonkey is offline
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If you didn't have the Ex to pick up your slack when you didn't feel like dealing with the kids' shenanigans, if he were deceased, would you be tossing your 15 year old into the street or would you actually do something to get some help with the issues you're having?[/QUOTE]

Absolutly not - my hands would not be tied and my son would be getting the help he needs.

My x dosent believe in asking for any type of outside help..............its all crap to him. So when I suggest he see someone about excessive smoking(weed), and drinking Im told there is nothing wrong................When I try to get help for him and direction for me,from YSB, I hit the NCP wall and ppl back down requesting the CP to be involved............bam another wall. SO are you telling me to continue banging into that wall until someone finally listens to me?????? Cause it sure as hell wont be my X
  #26  
Old 07-26-2012, 04:07 PM
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Have you considered that if it isn't the right decision if you were the only parent, how you justify it being the right decision simply because you are not?

My comments are not intended to be judgemental, as you apparently perceive them to be, they are intended to offer a different perspective.

You cannot control what your ex does or doesn't do and the more you try the more pushback you will get. You need to figure out how to do it on your own. A behaviour contract is easy to do, spells out expectations precisely and what the rewards and consequences will be for abiding or breaking the contract. Although it may appear to you that the consequences are the most important focus right now, it is important to recognize and reward the good behaviour for positive reinforcement. This shows him you aren't always the bad guy and aren't solely focused on the negative.

You have gotten some good advice in this thread, perhaps time to take a step back, re-read the information and digest it rather than simply jumping down people's throats for offering helpful suggestions - which is what you asked for.
  #27  
Old 07-26-2012, 04:44 PM
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Momymonkey: Blinkandimgone's comments were totally out of line and very judgmental. She doesn't exactly have a subtle way of expressing herself and loves to try to paraphrase. You have every right to be upset. I get this sort of stuff from her all of the time. There is an ignore button that you can use on this forum.

Parenting teenagers isn't easy. Hopefully other posters WHO HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH TEENAGERS will offer their ideas.
  #28  
Old 07-26-2012, 05:32 PM
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I have a good friend with an almost identical situation as the OP. Her ex is pretty close to useless. He (in my friend's case) is the NCP and he openly sides w/the child (Boy, 14) and this creates a huge problem needless to say. Her son has stolen the car, drinks, smokes weed and has been suspended at least twice. The latest was, he got charged for shoplifting.

My gf has reached out to every agency under the sun. It's a slow process. The father's input (mostly detrimental) does not help. I cannot imagine her frustration as this all has turned into a full-time job. She struggles to make ends meet, gives the kids (she has a daughter, 12) a roof over their heads and a healthy sit-down dinner almost every night of the week.

Her son has no respect for her, no respect for authority. He will be undergoing testing for ADHD to rule that out, (or in). It has been a nightmare and I am only a bystander in this. My son (13) is very well behaved so I honestly cannot relate. I love my son but there's no way I'd be putting up with any of the nonsense the OP has described either. From what I have seen, a parent can try absolutely everything in terms of accessing services, and the help doesn't come quickly enough. When one can't reason with the other parent (and I do know what that's like) a difficult situation is made that much harder. I'm sorry that I can't offer much by way of advice, but you definitely have my sympathy.

Too bad there's no "Dr. Phil" type guy to come to the rescue here in Canada. The whole family needs an intervention, in my opinion.
  #29  
Old 07-26-2012, 05:49 PM
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Btw: the police did have a few "chats" with my friend's son. He thought it was all one big joke. He also wasn't overly moved by his recent court appearance. Good old dad told him "son, you need to stand up for yourself, even with the cops." He also added (my gf is trying to get mandatory counseling for her son) "guys don't need counseling." Yes, what a fabulous situation it is. And she NEEDS the other parent's consent and cooperation for some of the services she is trying to access. Hard to say where/when things went "wrong" but clearly they have. It's a tough job to try and go it alone.
  #30  
Old 07-26-2012, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Momymonkey: Blinkandimgone's comments were totally out of line and very judgmental. She doesn't exactly have a subtle way of expressing herself and loves to try to paraphrase. You have every right to be upset. I get this sort of stuff from her all of the time. There is an ignore button that you can use on this forum.

Parenting teenagers isn't easy. Hopefully other posters WHO HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH TEENAGERS will offer their ideas.
Hmmmmm? Don't recall saying it was easy. I really don't care how you feel about my posts, although will point out that you seem to be the only person who supports removing herself from the troubled kid's life and leaving it up to dad to deal with. Where is your outrage for the rest?
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