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Married for 4.5 years, regret every minute. Met someone else. Now what?

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  • Married for 4.5 years, regret every minute. Met someone else. Now what?

    I'm marriend - and have been for 4 and a half years. I've known her all my life, but we lost touch for a while as we grew up (Our families had cottages near each-other). When we did get back in touch, we sped through the talking-dating-engaged-married in in less than 18 months.

    There were warning signs even before I proposed that it was a bad idea, but instead of thinking things through with my head, I followed my heart and went ahead with it. After we were married, I revealed to her that I was hiding debt, and she's struggled to forgive me for that ever since - long after the debts have been paid off.

    These days, we spend half of our time together fighting, and she regularly threatens divorce, reminds me that it's "her" house (I couldn't be on the mortgage due to the past debts) and that there's no way she could ever forgive me for the past debt lies. The other half of the time, I'm either doing anything I can to help her (so that we don't fight again) or she's "happy we're together") and discusses how she can't wait to grow old with me and raise a family.

    Needless to say, it's frustrating.

    I've been working my current job for 3 years, and met a new friend at work a year ago (today) during a training seminar. We became decent friends - casually goofing off and flirting at work on occasion with little inside jokes and such, too, but they left for a new job a little over 3 months ago. Since then, we've gotten together about once per month to catch up. We've now changed this meeting to every other week. My spouse has no idea how good of friends we became - and has no idea we've been meeting.

    I do understand that I'm involved in a textbook emotional affair. My new friend shares far more interests with me, enjoys spending time on things I enjoy, makes me smile, laugh and feel happy. I can't honestly say I've felt the same feelings with time spent with my wife. Ever. I thought I knew what happy was - but I was, apparently, wrong.

    So, now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I really do want nothing for my wife but her happiness. Looking at our track record, though, she's clearly not getting that from me. Sometimes, she says she wants to keep trying - but other days she wants a divorce. I look forward to my bi-weekly time with my new friend - it's the only time every other week where I actually feel happy. If I weren't married, I'd be dating her - and having a great time of it.

    So... What's wrong with me? And where do I go from here?
    Last edited by DubbyD; 11-08-2011, 02:29 PM. Reason: Formatting

  • #2
    The house is the matrimonial home, you are entitled to 1/2 the equity in it. She can spout all she wants about you not getting whatever....it will be worked into equalization.

    As for your wife and your friend....grass isn't always greener on the other side. You also don't mention whether or not you have kids. That would be a big factor in whether you determine to stick it out or move along IMO.

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    • #3
      As for your wife and your friend....grass isn't always greener on the other side.
      Indeed - the grass is usually greener where you water it!

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      • #4
        Sorry - I should have mentioned. There are no kids. There is some tax debt owing on my side, but with the exception of the mortgage, she's debt-free.

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        • #5
          Should you get divorced, it should be relatively simple as it is just equalization and stuff to deal with. However, it isn't always simple and the reality is, divorce is rarely the answer in itself.

          Have you suggest or tried counselling? Or do you plan on skipping trying to help solve the marital problems, to just dropping an atom bomb on it?

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          • #6
            I have suggested counselling. I've also suggested regular date nights, things we can do around the house... I've tried everything I could think of. She's convinced (sometimes) that we can make this work on our own. I'm not convinced any more.

            I'm really only starting this emotional debate because it dawned on me that my priorities seem to have changed. I used to say my first priority was her happiness, then us being together, followed by getting all of this mess behind us. Now, while I still want her happy - I'll take the "putting this behind us" ahead of us staying together. That, though, may be the influence of having this new friend in my life.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
              Indeed - the grass is usually greener where you water it!
              But the weeds usually take over

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              • #8
                When I was going through a similar dilema I came to the realization that you only live once and at 35 I had already lived half my life if I am lucky. So I made the approriate changes to live the final half happy and not just getting by.

                Kids or no kids, debt or no debt you do what your heart tells you.

                I would personnaly do it all over again 1000 times.

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                • #9
                  I appreciate all of the responses so far. They're helping - even if you may not think they are.

                  The hardest part, really, is the lack of consistency. My first priority is still making her happy - that's just the kind of person that I am. But it's hard to know if I'm doing things right or wrong when one week I'm being told how wonderful I am, then for the next two she won't talk to me or is screaming that her life is horrible and her marriage is rotten.

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                  • #10
                    So, after a lot of research and some brief discussion with a close friend, I'm still not sure which path to take. Part of me wants to pursue divorce and leave the door open for my new friend to come into my life. Part of me doesn't. I blame my wife for that.

                    I have decided, though, to start journalling. My wife and I have had plans in place for a long time that she/I/we think my "fix" our marriage. If that puts all of this behind us and keeps her happy - hey, I'm willing to try it. The journalling will be my tales of what we're doing that is helping/destroying things. Separately, I'm keeping a journal of my true thoughts and feelings - some of the things I've been posting anonymously to this board an in private message to those of you kind enough to offer support. I think the first will help if we/she/I choose to end the marriage. The second will more help me figure out how I truly feel.

                    My wife dropped the "we need to have kids" line on me again today, though. Despite saying she's not sure we'll make things work. Sigh.

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                    • #11
                      My opinion...get divorced before it continues on for too long or you get more financially locked-in and DEFINITELY before you get her pregnant.

                      I've learned the hard way that compatibility is everything. There are people that can live their way through a dreary marriage with someone that isn't right for them but its a miserable existence.

                      You're already severe showing signs that you're not going to make it and believe me, have children and you're doomed.

                      There are a lot of books you can read on the subject of compatibility and surveys you can take where your wife to see where her needs stack up against yours. I highly recommend that you do a lot of reading and get some professional help to help you make a decision you can live with. But whatever you do....

                      DON'T GET HER PREGNANT!!!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by DubbyD View Post
                        ...
                        My wife dropped the "we need to have kids" line on me again today, though. Despite saying she's not sure we'll make things work. Sigh.
                        As far as I'm concerned, there is no difference between marriage, or just living together until you have kids.

                        Ending a relationship before kids - no big deal.

                        After kids - big deal on so many levels.

                        I don't know what the problem is in your marriage (could be you, could be her, could both of you), but I can't imagine continuing it given your title 'regret every minute' - that says it all.

                        Forget loyalty because you are married, you need to have kids with someone that you have never regretted being with.

                        You both married the wrong person it seems.

                        I was married for 13 years, had 3 kids, and have absolutely never regretted it for a moment (wish my marriage did not end, but don't want it back, however I never regretted getting married to my ex, or having kids with her).

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                          I've learned the hard way that compatibility is everything. There are people that can live their way through a dreary marriage with someone that isn't right for them but its a miserable existence.

                          You're already severe showing signs that you're not going to make it and believe me, have children and you're doomed.
                          That's the part that really stands out to me, despite the large font size below it. The miserable existence bit particularly. Our relationship is very one-sided: If she asks me to do her a simple favour ("D, go get me a glass of water?"), the expected answer from me is "Yes, dear". But I can't ask the same ("W, would you mind getting me a class of water the next time you happen to pass through the kitchen?") without it being a fight about how I'm too needy.

                          Just last week, she asked me to make a stop on my way home from work. I work 12 hour night shifts. 14.5 hours with commute. Had an after-shift meeting and was expected back the next night. Total time at home was to be 5.5 hours. Her errand left me with 4 hours at home: to eat, sleep, shower and be ready for my next shift. She sees nothing wrong with this.

                          Believe me, I don't plan on having a family with her. It once was a consideration - and I'm not ruling it out permanently unless we divorce. I'd like to believe we could form a happy couple - I really do care about her and want the world for her. But I'm very much not having a family with her until we hit that point - regardless of how often she reminds me that she's 27 and her biological clock is ticking.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by DubbyD View Post
                            That's the part that really stands out to me, despite the large font size below it. The miserable existence bit particularly. Our relationship is very one-sided: If she asks me to do her a simple favour ("D, go get me a glass of water?"), the expected answer from me is "Yes, dear". But I can't ask the same ("W, would you mind getting me a class of water the next time you happen to pass through the kitchen?") without it being a fight about how I'm too needy.

                            Just last week, she asked me to make a stop on my way home from work. I work 12 hour night shifts. 14.5 hours with commute. Had an after-shift meeting and was expected back the next night. Total time at home was to be 5.5 hours. Her errand left me with 4 hours at home: to eat, sleep, shower and be ready for my next shift. She sees nothing wrong with this.

                            Believe me, I don't plan on having a family with her. It once was a consideration - and I'm not ruling it out permanently unless we divorce. I'd like to believe we could form a happy couple - I really do care about her and want the world for her. But I'm very much not having a family with her until we hit that point - regardless of how often she reminds me that she's 27 and her biological clock is ticking.
                            Get out while you can. If you're having these feelings before the kids have even come into your life, then you are doomed if you get her pregnant.

                            It's better to be alone than to be in a relationship where there is not an even playing field.

                            Don't get her pregnant!!!

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                            • #15
                              From someone going through a divorce now here's my advice.....

                              -get the hell out of there NOW !

                              -you're lucky, no kids, only 4.5 years married. Worse case, assuming you didn't live together prior to marriage, given her age likely only 2 years spousal support, if that. Go to www.mysuppportcalculator.ca to get a rough idea.

                              -I don't know your respective incomes, but if you earn similar money you shouldn't even have spousal support (who knows, she may even owe YOU lol !).

                              -give details here, try the website, even ask a lawyer for appraisal (worth the money believe me).

                              -sounds like you didn't bring in any assets to marriage so she can't take 50% of them; lucky you ! Actually, she may even owe you if you want to go that route.

                              Bottom line is it sounds like it shouldn't cost you much, if anything to divorce her (again, check with lawyer first).

                              Trust me, if she's acting like a bitch NOW, it will only get worse as time goes on. I think most guys will agree the "general trend" is for women to get more miserable as time goes by, NOT better. If its' ugly NOW, wait until a few more years.

                              Seriously, save your emotional and financial well being and get divorced ASAP. DON"T have kids whatever you do, then she'll have you by the pocketbook for at least the next 2 decades !! Not to mention not fair to kids.

                              personally, you are wise to get info here. Read and pay attention to the poor bastards like me who found out too late what a nightmare marriage/divorce is to most men. If you're smart, you'll never get married EVER again. Have fun and stay single. Marriage does NOT mean commitment; she can toss you in the garbage can at her whim (but keep your hands in your pocketbook potentially forever).

                              You are a very lucky man, learn from the advice here. Divorce her NOW (after checking with lawyer) and don't be stupid enought to ever get married again. I envy you !

                              Comment

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