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  • #16
    abused men, etc, etc.

    Domestic abuse is an issue close to my heart - I lived with it for 8 years - and escaped!
    It then took me years to find the strength and courage to work with my ex in even a moderately manageable co-parenting regime. To this day (7 years) it can be an uphill battle to stand up to him and not be bullied any further.

    That said - I personally also know 2 men (in my immediate family) who have also been the victims of domestic violence. One is the husband of my ex-sister-in-law - imagine that!! Both her and my ex are abusers - doesn't take Freud to figure that one out!
    The other was my own brother - who told us only after his marriage ended that the reason he finally ended it was because his wife would physically assault him and he was afraid that one day he would hit her back, so he had to leave before it got that bad - hearing those words nearly broke my heart - and none of us ever guessed.

    I know what you are saying Grace about it being a 'secret club' - I also think that abused/survivors recognize each other ... I notice so much in what people don't say about their relationships ... often it takes very few clues for me to figure out that there is abuse/oppression in a relationship. I always try to be extra supportive of people in those situations ... I remember so clearly what it was like to be in those shoes.

    In a quirky twist of fate, my new partner has been accused of domestic violence in his past relationship - after years with this man, I know these are false allegations, and hearing/reading them makes my blood boil ... I just feel like it takes away from the plight of real sufferers to have the words tossed around casually for attempts at financial gain and the sympathy of the courts.

    Thanks for your post Grace, and for creating this new space, Jeff ... I will look forward to reading others stories!

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    • #17
      Workingtruit

      Thank God that you too got out. I can't image what it would be like to co-parent with an abuser, most often the abuse would just continue and never end. I'm glad that I don't have to do that, I wouldn't have the strength. We only communicate through legal counsel, expensive yes, but much better for my mental health. Let the lawyers put up with his crap.

      False allegations make my blood boil too. Who would want to make this up. It's degrading enough. I think the numbers are relatively low. And my second pet peeve is those abusers that hide behind the men's/father's rights movement. My ex went running to them with his false allegation/poor me excuse, and they bought it hook line and sinker. It's easier for abuser who are usually master manipulators to deny, deny, deny.

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      • #18
        I had been in the cycle for 7 years and I did not notice I was until I had a strong witness who woked me up. I wouldn't have had a courage to stand aginst it by myself since I was also programmed to cope with the situations. I really wish there was a better support system and self-awareness & recovering program for the victims of domestic violence. It is not only about becoming a victim, but it's also about deforming personality and self-value and losing hope and joy in life.

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        • #19
          I have personally never been abused, nor been an abuser, but know someone who was abused by his ex-wife. Definitely a case of feeling that "this is the way life is" until someone brings to your attention the fact that not everyone is degraded and verbally/physically abused and it is wrong. His ex has neglected her children but by his concentrating on building the children's self esteem and making them the centre of his universe, they know love and have grown into responsible young adults.

          It's taken this man a lot of work and time to see himself in a better light. Unfortunately, the family law system continues to have him paying SS to this abuser and gives her power over him. This is something that's very hard for him to come to terms with.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by Grace View Post
            MYTH: Domestic abuse only happens within poor or working class families.
            We had everything (on the outside) the big home, the nice cars, the snow machines, the boat, etc.
            After 15years I found the courage to leave, (when the violence spilled over onto the children). He limited abuse to areas not seen to anyone, but if you stopped and thought about it, why would a woman wear a long sleeve turtle neck sweater in the middle of the summer? When I told my story not even my family believed me at first. It literally took medical records to show I had a lonnnnnggggg history of emergency room visits because of violence.


            Originally posted by Grace View Post
            Many women are too afraid to leave violent relationships. Research confirms that leaving a relationship is a dangerous time for a woman and that from half, to five out of seven, of the women killed by their spouse were separated or were in the process of separating at the time of their death (Easteal 1993, Keys Young 1993, Wallace 1986)
            I lived through two near death experiences, and there is nothing "enjoyable about it. I literally got out with my life, but remained a victim because the FL system didn't work for me. I had to endure yet another 8 years of torment and death threats for the FL system to hear me, and stop believing his sweet face and soft words. If I had a dime for every time I heard, "A man like that can't possibly have done ...."


            Originally posted by Grace View Post
            Fear or reprisals:
            Yes,

            Originally posted by Grace View Post
            Social isolation:
            Yes,

            Originally posted by Grace View Post
            Financial dependence:
            Yes,

            Originally posted by Grace View Post
            Social stigma:
            Yes,


            Originally posted by Grace View Post
            Emotional dependence:
            Yes,

            Originally posted by Grace View Post
            Low self-esteem:
            And yes.


            Thanks for the post Gracie.
            Education is the key to any conflict and subsiquent resoltion.

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            • #21
              When I had to get a lawyer to deal with the CS, I chose one that I felt was 'upfront' because with an earlier, work related issue - he didn't try to take me down the garden path. What I mean by that is he said 'you can fight it, but in the end you will spend more money than you will get out of being right'. So, when I needed a lawyer, I believed that he was the one that would say it like it is.

              The issue was around CS, my ex was, in my opinion, opening up our separation agreement, and trying to go back on 4 years of CS. When we signed the separation agreement, it was agreed I would pay less CS in exchange for not taking my share of the equity in the matrimonial home (It was a considerable amount, and would have required him to sell the home - move the kids, and force his elderly parents out of the home too - we all lived together.) We also had agreed that I way pay the ex CS, and also provide 'support' to my kids so that they would see that I was directly supporting them. I kept track of all of those 'items, funds' given to the kids directly

              My lawyer basically told me I was out of luck, that the ex could open CS at any time, go to the tables retroactively - and I could not bring the equalization trade off into the equation. He also advised me that what I had provided to the kids for the prior 4 years would not be considered.

              As time goes on, I feel less and less comfortable that all is 'right', but, he's the lawyer, and I had trusted him.

              In the end, we go forward with the tables, but not retroactively - because the Case Conference Judge said there was a ruling (?) that parent can't claim retro CS for adult children. The judge also allowed that I had, indeed, disbursed directly to the kids.

              The marriage breakdown, after 18 years, was because of death threats and assaults - he was convicted, and got probation. At the time, I was on EI, and the ex provided no help to me at all - and since there was 'no contact bail conditions' involved, I was left to fend for myself. The separation agreement came a year later.

              My lawyer had given me an estimate of about $2000, provided we didn't go to court, which we didn't. My ex, who also covered the actual 'divorce' paid about $3500 for all of this. After we're done, I get a bill from my lawyer - $4600., and that is with a discount for being a 'preferred' client - whatever that is. Keep in mind I paid no costs for the divorce, the ex did. I now make about $22,000 a year.

              About a month after it's all settled, I find out that my lawyer has a restraining order against him - and is dealing with harrassment and assault charges filed by his ex wife.

              Makes me wonder what was going through his head when I was in his office trying to explain how an abusive husband feels he has the power and the right to do whatever he wants, and feels his actions don't warrent consequences, and how damaging that was to my self-esteem - and how hard it was dealing with all of it.

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              • #22
                Jeff...among the above listed reasons women stay with the abuser...

                THEY WERE NEVER TAUGHT WHAT UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR IS...GREW UP NOT KNOWING TRUE LOVE OR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

                Comment

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