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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 09-14-2011, 10:01 PM
locoroco locoroco is offline
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Default Planning ahead to protect my rights as a father before the child is born?

My ex is due in November and she has been quite vindictive so far in our divorce, so I am worried she will be using the kid as a weapon to hurt me. It seems like she is capable of saying whatever on an affidavit just to make me look like a bad person, lies or not. She has moved back to where her parents are (550 km away from where we lived) and I have taken a transfer to the same place to be by the child. She says that I only want shared custody because of less child support, when in fact money means nothing to me. I just want to be an equal parent

I have moved to where she is, and I have taken a big pay cut to do so, but she still expects I should pay based on my old inflated salary. I am hoping that I can get a judge to agree to my child support being based on my new wage right away, instead of my past T4s as they really are no longer applicable.

A few more details that make things complicated. She had an affair close to when she got pregnant. I do believe on timing that the child is mine, but I am requesting a paternity test as I do not want to be on the hook for this child if it turns out its not mine. She has also said that I will have to find out through lawyers when the kid is born, and has went so far as to not even tell me the gender of the baby because she is so angry at me. I do know her rough due date though, which should help.

With that information in hand, I was thinking that I will need to do an emergency custody hearing so I can at least see the baby right away.

Would I be able to do this if the paternity is still in question?
Should I be asking for a paternity test at the same time?
Do I have to start paying her CS right away, or should I wait till its sorted out in court?

I am thinking I have about a snowballs chance in hell of having any sort of shared custody arrangement with her when the child is a newborn. I also realize that this isn't practical and wouldn't be in the best interests of the child, as she is off work for maternity and I have to work. I am hoping that she chills out at some point and we could come to some sort of agreement as the child gets older, I get to have him/her more often.

We still haven't sorted out the matrimonial property, but my lawyer and myself have ran the numbers and it looks like on paper she is going to owe me money. Our marriage was only six months long and we have now been separated longer than we were married.

I was hoping to sort of the matrimonial property, the custody, child support, etc all at once as early as December if possible. Is that a good idea or should I be pushing to sort out this matrimonial property before the kid is born? We are only taking two months from now.

Any words of wisdom or advice for me? I dont want to waste all my money fighting a losing battle in court, but I do want to make sure I get to be as big of a part in my childs life as possible.
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Old 09-15-2011, 06:25 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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first find out for sure if the kid is yours then worry about custody and support etc. You can get started on the equalization now and get that sorted out.

Do not start paying CS right away until you find out if you are the father, you do not want to set any sort of precedent with this.
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:35 AM
beebie beebie is offline
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I don't think you have any rights or obligations until child is born and then only if it is yours.
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Old 09-15-2011, 11:07 AM
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I'm having some trouble finding information on obtaining a paternity test. I have already told her that I want one and she has said go ahead and I will look like the idiot since its my kid. I still think that I'm going to have to go to court to ask to have the test done. What sort of planning should I be doing to make sure I can get this done right away after the kid is born? I dont want to miss out on too many days after the birth as I am really excited to see the child right away.
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Old 09-15-2011, 12:46 PM
beebie beebie is offline
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Paternity tests should be in the phone book.
They are very common so don't worry. If you both agree to do it, you don't need a court order (at least I don't think so).

You don't say how long you lived together. You might want to check your family law statute to see if you are a guardian. Otherwise, you may want to apply if you are not a guardian by law.

You can't take a newborn away from mother..get real. Breast feeding and all that. Can visit though.

Try to be supportive but not annoying. New mothers are sleepless.
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Old 09-15-2011, 01:12 PM
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They don't live together, they're getting divorced and his post clearly says they live in completely different areas.

Breastfeeding is NOT mandatory, IF she chooses to breastfeed there's no reason why she can't pump so that Dad can have the opportunity to bond with the child as well, if she chooses not to breastfeed then there's no reason at all that the baby - at any age - can't spend the time with Dad. Breastfeeding and all that? Curious as to what the 'all that' is that dads can't do? Consider what would happen if something happened to mom and she was unable to care for the child or passed on, Dad would do it and nobody would question it at all.

And this: "Try to be supportive but not annoying. New mothers are sleepless."

...is just ridiculous. Dad has a right to be sleepless to because it means he's being supportive to mom, being part of his child's life and bonding with the child.

He's not 'taking the baby away from mom', it's his baby too. Essentially, she's trying to take the baby away from Dad which is equally as wrong.
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Old 09-15-2011, 02:15 PM
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Beebie, for the first year of our daugthers life when my ex and I were together. I did all feedings while I was home (worked from 8-4) which meant I bottle fed our daugther the rest of the time, and did all the middle of the night feedings as well, all the bathing, all the childcare and my ex was a stay at home mom. I also did all the care on the weekends and even when I tried to get a break for 10 minutes our daughter would cry with her mom and she would hand her back to me. Fathers are just as capable of doing everything except childbirth (sorry but its impossible). Dads can do it just as well, are just as caring and loving to their little ones and it is the stereotype that Mothers take care of babies and fathers work that I thought the womens right movement wanted to get rid of. Not 1960s anymore, this guy seems to want to have a big role in HIS childs life, and he should have every chance to share in his childs life. Do we need to bring out the statistics about kids growing up without fathers. This mom wants to be a single mom and that is child abuse.
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Old 09-15-2011, 03:12 PM
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I really need to marry you Fireweed.


I was talking about a breastfeeding mother of a newborn. Duly noted that fathers are participating greatly in the rearing of children and this is to be encouraged. Especially in the case of a single mom.
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Old 09-15-2011, 04:14 PM
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You cannot file an emergency motion on the assumption that she will not allow you access. If she denies you access, then you could file a motion. However I suspect you would have to wait until after case conference to do so.

If I were you I would assume the baby is yours - you sound like you're excited about it anyway. Are you really sure a paternity test is required? Seems like something that will only enhance conflict. But even if you do go down that road - operate on the assumption that it is your child.

I sympathize with your situation. The best advice I can give you is be a stand up guy as best you can. Don't enhance/encourage/facilitate/enable conflict with Mom in any way. Hopefully with time (and perhaps litigation) she'll chill out and let you be the Dad you want to be. Until then just tell yourself she's a jerk and try not to take it personally - after all, thats what conflict is all about.... trying to get a rise out of somebody.

Last edited by wretchedotis; 09-15-2011 at 04:16 PM.
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Old 09-15-2011, 05:49 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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he is excited if the baby is his. Why in the hell should he assume it is when she was having an affair? Why should he get himself on the hook for a child that may not be his especially when the child isnt born yet. Plus cant the mother deny he is the father when he tries for visitation??

Get the test done so everyone is sure who the father is. I hope it is you but prepare yourself in case it isnt.
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