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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #31  
Old 02-20-2021, 06:21 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Then you can respond and say the order outlines the times and you will consider his request in the best interest of SON. Should he disagree with that, you will follow the agreement to the letter.


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  #32  
Old 02-20-2021, 07:27 PM
Nadia Nadia is offline
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What about the fathers insistence that the school facilitate his access by making sure his son is available to be picked up by him at 3.05pm. If access is not suppose to commence until 6.30pm therefore outside of school hours, can the school prevent the child from walking out with his friends? Or getting on the school bus if he wants?

This is such a crappy situation for our son now actually hoping school moves back to online by the end of this month. And this kid hated online and couldn’t wait to go back to in person school.

Last edited by Nadia; 02-20-2021 at 07:37 PM.
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  #33  
Old 02-20-2021, 08:04 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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The school has nothing to do with it and he cant arbitrarily make them accommodate him.

The agreement is between the two of you not you and the school.


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  #34  
Old 02-20-2021, 11:44 PM
Nadia Nadia is offline
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So now after speaking to his dad on the phone the kid is ok about his dad picking him up early at 3.05pm on Wednesdays and Fridays. I guess we will just take it a week at a time. As others have mentioned on this thread at age 14 he can decide for himself. From shifting between “yes I’ll be ok with the new schedule” to “can I just go on Wednesday and not Friday next week” to “what if I want to catch the bus or walk home with my friends” to now “yea I’ll be cool going with dad immediately after school.”

Feel pretty stupid now, because I’ve already sent dad an email saying I’ve considered his proposal but don’t think it’s a good idea after taking into account our son’s wishes and that we should just adhere to the existing court orders for now.

Is it normal for teens to flip flop like this?
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  #35  
Old 02-21-2021, 01:45 PM
Alpinist Alpinist is offline
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Could you sit down and have a talk with your son and ask him what kind of schedule he thinks would work well, and try it out for a few weeks? It seems like you are wanting something more set in stone so that you can plan for things and so you can be kept in the loop. You could discuss this with your son and try to work something out? Just a suggestion.
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  #36  
Old 02-21-2021, 08:07 PM
Nadia Nadia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alpinist View Post
Could you sit down and have a talk with your son and ask him what kind of schedule he thinks would work well, and try it out for a few weeks? It seems like you are wanting something more set in stone so that you can plan for things and so you can be kept in the loop. You could discuss this with your son and try to work something out? Just a suggestion.
I have tried but he said he doesn’t want commit to any schedule and just wants to have the option of whether he goes with Dad on Wednesday or alternative Fridays on a week by week basis. Sometimes he might want to go and sometimes he may not feel like it. That’s the best I can get from him.
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  #37  
Old 02-22-2021, 09:23 AM
paris paris is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadia View Post
I have tried but he said he doesn’t want commit to any schedule and just wants to have the option of whether he goes with Dad on Wednesday or alternative Fridays on a week by week basis. Sometimes he might want to go and sometimes he may not feel like it. That’s the best I can get from him.
He’s 14. Switch to the earlier pickup. It’s easier for everyone. If son chooses not to attend on some occasions he has to work it out with Dad, and I guess give you fair notice as well that he will be home.
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  #38  
Old 02-22-2021, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
have you come across any studies that discuss how to combat this type of 'grooming' (for lack of a better term)?
That is an excellent question. There is a few things that could be done but, there is no silver bullet.

1. 50-50 residency situations that I have observed often don't lead to the "grooming" battle.

2. Offset child support also helps as it reduces the money (CS) issues that arise that lead to the "grooming" battle.

With regards to #1 when a child spends equal time at both parental residences its hard to groom them. They often have an "equal" view of things at both residences. Now where this often fails is if you have an "extreme" helicopter parent in one residence and an "extreme" free-range parent in the other. Helicopter parents often loose in the game if they are unable to flex the rules and expectations down and provide the children freedom.

With regards to #2 money is a huge impact. If you have one household transferring piles of money to the other with equal time spent its going to cause issues. Imbalances be it time spent and money creates situations where you can apply various "game theories" to the situation. (e.g. Zero Sum Game, etc...) In a situation of 50-50 residency where one parent is transferring outrageous amounts of funds and is grooming the child to cover the loss of "child support" I often recommend the parent significantly reduce child support to save the situation. In the majority of situations where it has been "money" motivating the grooming and parent with the reduced income imputes their income higher to reduce the offset transfer (significantly) the grooming ends and the problem goes away.

Ultimately, 50-50 residency and balanced child support payments counter acts the grooming. Its ultimately best for the child if the "things" like residential time, money and rules can be balanced.

Usually and unfortunately a helicopter parent who has majority access and is getting full table support often loses out to grooming.
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  #39  
Old 02-22-2021, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by janus View Post
it is a natural consequence of child support levels being completely out of synch with the marginal costs of raising a child.

If i have the kids 30%, 50%, or 70% of the time, my main costs are roughly the same. I still need the same amount of "house", and i still need the same amount of "car". The other major expense (babysitting) is s7 and explicitly does not vary with parenting time. The only expense that changes drastically would be food. Even clothing expenses would not change all that much, since the outerwear is the major expense and i would be purchasing the same outwear at any parenting time level.

I have 50% right now. For a few days extra a month, i would get about $15-20,000 in extra annual after-tax income. Let's say that works out to about 50 days a year. Unless i am spending $300 a day for extra food and activities (and that is every single one of those 50 days) then having those kids a few more days is incredibly profitable. Even better, that income is taken from the person i despise the most on the entire planet.

I'm not even sure if i could come up with 50 days of $300 food and activities. There is only so much steak and lobster tail one can consume.

In a nutshell, i am strongly incentivized to "groom" my kids to come and live with me, and the courts will not stop it, as discussed in this thread.

(now, as it turns out, despite hating their mother, i recognize that she provides some value to the children. As such, i don't play the grooming game. However, i understand why others do.)

tldr: There is no fix. The current system promotes grooming.
^^^^ this!
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  #40  
Old 02-22-2021, 02:32 PM
Alpinist Alpinist is offline
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On the topic of grooming.. Has anyone heard of using extreme veganism or vegetarianism against the 'meat eating household'?
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