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Financial Issues This forum is for discussing any of the financial issues involved in your divorce.

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  #61  
Old 01-29-2021, 06:13 PM
350 Mag 350 Mag is offline
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I will just add this.

I married up in class. She came from a good home I came from a broken home.

In her defense I had some issues for sure....lower self esteem and excessive drinking at times.(when I was down).

I wanted to get married because we were in love ...

I don't think she loved me....she thought she did....but her reasons for getting married is because we had a 5 year relationship and If we didn't get married we wasted 5 years.

We discussed it many many times as I suspected she didnt really love anymore.

I should have walked away then.....BIG mistake.

But now I have 2 wonderful kids....so not so much.

Even on our wedding night my wife was allready doubting her choice.

She was pissed off(cause some of my family members drank a little too much the night before the wedding)...

And she was mad....so my punishment was we didn't consummate our wedding.

Our marriage quickly transformed into a "parent,/child" relationship.

Where I would rebel....against her "rules"....and she would punish me by first withholding sex....then many years later eventually love.

After 3 years of marriage where we were doing o.k....but we lived apart because I commuted to work....so we were kinda long distance relationship.

She decided she wanted children...." Because that's what you do....you get married....you have kids....and live happily ever after"....Just like her family and friends.

Once again....I had my doubts....but went along for the ride.

When the kids came we were o.k for awhile.

But Breast feeding and shift work pretty much forced me out of the bedroom for a year....but we managed.


About in 2012 is when she stopped loving me and withdrew all compliments, touch, hugs, kissing, snuggling.


So I was trapped in a loveless....and ever less frequency of sex....marriage.

I felt trapped a divorce then would have been much worse than now...

Our kids were young. She would have got majority custody.

So I guess I should count my blessings....I made it to now.....cause it could have been worse.

Right now my self-worth is at a lifelong LOW.

I don't drink anymore at all(,Thank god). That was her single biggest complaint over the years....and while was usually pretty good I would have my moments. But now I don't drink a drop.

I never laid a hand on my wife, kids,(never spanked), I wasn't abusive....But I would lose my temper when stressed out.

I just want to be amicable....and do everything right for my kids.

I want to remain friendly with her.

I hope with time she can stand being in same room with me.

Last night I asked .."do you think I am a decent human being"....she said "Not really". I asked her so I am not Kind? She said NO.

It's a tough pill to swallow ....that a women that once thought the sun rises and sets over you was driven to this level of almost hatred?

That also does not help my self esteem.

I will get through this but IT isn't going to be easy....

Thanks for all the input.
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  #62  
Old 01-30-2021, 01:45 AM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 350 Mag View Post
(details of how marriage was bad)
Nothing wrong with listing that stuff here. Just remember that neither the courts, nor your ex-wife, nor your lawyer care at all. Don't waste time recounting those details ever.

It will annoy a judge.
It will annoy your ex.
It will please your lawyer, 'cause he'll charge you $500/hour to listen


Quote:
Our kids were young. She would have got majority custody.
Not even remotely true. Doesn't matter now though anyway.

Quote:
Right now my self-worth is at a lifelong LOW.
You had a loveless marriage, and you are getting out of it. You get to date and have fun again! It isn't half bad. Most people a couple years post-divorce are usually pretty happy that it happened.

Quote:
But I would lose my temper when stressed out.
Careful, don't lose your temper now, you can lose everything. You only need to lose it once.

Quote:
I just want to be amicable...
You do realize that half the time you say that, and then the other half of the time you are threatening to quit your job so she gets nothing. And you are saying that she contributed nothing, and deserves nothing.

Nothing wrong with saying that on this forum, but hopefully you don't say anything like that to your ex.


Quote:
Last night I asked .."do you think I am a decent human being"....she said "Not really". I asked her so I am not Kind? She said NO.
Her opinion is now irrelevant. The marriage is over. Time to move on.

Quote:
It's a tough pill to swallow ....that a women that once thought the sun rises and sets over you was driven to this level of almost hatred?
Her opinion is now irrelevant. The marriage is over. Time to move on.

Quote:
That also does not help my self esteem.
Her opinion is now irrelevant. The marriage is over. Don't base your self-esteem on her opinion of you.
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  #63  
Old 01-30-2021, 10:08 AM
350 Mag 350 Mag is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
Nothing wrong with listing that stuff here. Just remember that neither the courts, nor your ex-wife, nor your lawyer care at all. Don't waste time recounting those details ever.

It will annoy a judge.
It will annoy your ex.
It will please your lawyer, 'cause he'll charge you $500/hour to listen




Not even remotely true. Doesn't matter now though anyway.



You had a loveless marriage, and you are getting out of it. You get to date and have fun again! It isn't half bad. Most people a couple years post-divorce are usually pretty happy that it happened.



Careful, don't lose your temper now, you can lose everything. You only need to lose it once.



You do realize that half the time you say that, and then the other half of the time you are threatening to quit your job so she gets nothing. And you are saying that she contributed nothing, and deserves nothing.

Nothing wrong with saying that on this forum, but hopefully you don't say anything like that to your ex.




Her opinion is now irrelevant. The marriage is over. Time to move on.



Her opinion is now irrelevant. The marriage is over. Time to move on.



Her opinion is now irrelevant. The marriage is over. Don't base your self-esteem on her opinion of you.

Although I would like to be pissed off I cannot.

I want to do right by my kids and that means being nice to their mother....and supporting her.

To be fair.

This isn't easy for her. She knows she is really hurting me, and the kids.

BUT she has to do this...

It is extremely painful, but I am a man....I will be required to "suck it up" and be strong and set a good example for my boys.

I know I am on a roller-coaster of emotions.

Thanks for insights.

P.S Helping her move out today.....next 2 days will be tough.
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  #64  
Old 01-30-2021, 10:40 AM
Alpinist Alpinist is offline
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Do you have to be around while she moves out?
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  #65  
Old 01-30-2021, 10:48 AM
Kinso Kinso is offline
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Quote:
I know I am on a roller-coaster of emotions
All the more reason to consider therapy...
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  #66  
Old 01-30-2021, 01:16 PM
350 Mag 350 Mag is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alpinist View Post
Do you have to be around while she moves out?
I am helping her move with my oldest son right now....

We have kids together...

We cannot goto war and I will not be mad at her or cruel to her.

I hope to be able have a Christmas or Thanksgiving meal with us as a family.....Until she remarries or has a boyfriend.
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  #67  
Old 01-30-2021, 02:03 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 350 Mag View Post
I am helping her move with my oldest son right now....

We have kids together...

We cannot goto war and I will not be mad at her or cruel to her.

I hope to be able have a Christmas or Thanksgiving meal with us as a family.....Until she remarries or has a boyfriend.
as pointed out before, you are all over the place...

you want to keep traditions alive like you are an intact family and will stop it when she gets a new boyfriend or remarried.. That is just you wanting to keep the hope alive in yourself that there is a chance.
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  #68  
Old 02-07-2021, 08:20 AM
350 Mag 350 Mag is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
as pointed out before, you are all over the place...

you want to keep traditions alive like you are an intact family and will stop it when she gets a new boyfriend or remarried.. That is just you wanting to keep the hope alive in yourself that there is a chance.

Alot of women have a change of heart?

There's always a chance.

I still love her, obviously I would want her to come back.

But I don't want her back for the wrong reasons.

Still working through the process.

Giving her space.

Not texting or calling unless she initiates.

Seen her once this week for a brief hello, how are things and then goodbye.

Thanks for the help....
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  #69  
Old 02-07-2021, 09:33 AM
Helpmyspouse Helpmyspouse is offline
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Unless you get the help from a good therapist you risk taking her back for the wrong reasons. And/or you will never be able to move on. Like the other poster said you are all over the place. You need to plan and accept the worst that you will never have another family meal together. You're holding on to hope is really you trying to control your ex and the outcome. When she realizes you are still committed to her despite anything she will use you to her benefit. Not good.
Let her go completely. Respect and accept her decision then have zero contact with her unless it's about the kids. You are about to lose a ton of money and deplete your finances to legal fees. It's the cost of divorce. But don't lose yourself. Seek a good therapist. It's the best money you can spend right now.
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  #70  
Old 02-07-2021, 10:16 AM
350 Mag 350 Mag is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helpmyspouse View Post
Unless you get the help from a good therapist you risk taking her back for the wrong reasons. And/or you will never be able to move on. Like the other poster said you are all over the place. You need to plan and accept the worst that you will never have another family meal together. You're holding on to hope is really you trying to control your ex and the outcome. When she realizes you are still committed to her despite anything she will use you to her benefit. Not good.
Let her go completely. Respect and accept her decision then have zero contact with her unless it's about the kids. You are about to lose a ton of money and deplete your finances to legal fees. It's the cost of divorce. But don't lose yourself. Seek a good therapist. It's the best money you can spend right now.
I am not stupid.....Nor am I worried about her taking me for a ride $$$$ wise.

She is allready well aware that I could seek pension money from her.

She is happy with the amount we agreed upon.

She is getting 50% of all assets....and house.(luckily it's paid for).

We are going to see a mediator in a month or 2.

She is reasonable, and her leaving wasn't about money....at first she didn't want alimony....but I insisted she take it.... because she wasn't thinking clearly.



I have the 2 kids and paying for all their needs. So that is subtracted and I always paid 95% of the bills anyways so it makes no difference to me.

We used a spousal support calculator from online Family Lawyer (Cdn).

We took the highest payment...and so far we are both happy with it.

I told her once the youngest is done post secondary I would up it to the highest level....which will still leave me more than enough.

I am being generous.....because I am sure IF she wanted a Judge would award more.

If she went for more.....well I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I can see by alot of the advice given here that I am actually lucky to have been married to a "normal" women....and that some one here must have really been taken for a ride.
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