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  • Possibly divorcing over narcotic dependancy

    I work in the oil and gas industry. I do ok financially.
    My marriage is all but done and we have two kids. She has never worked while we were married. She quit the day before the wedding and never worked again.

    I spoke to a lawyer about my options and Im sorry but the support laws are very unfair.
    I am active in my kids lives, I know the teachers at school better than my wife. I take them to activities, play with them, homework, ect...
    So come to find out if I file she will likely get the house, most of my investments, vacation property would be sold and split and my income would be reduced to that of a gas station attendant.
    My kids do not like there mother much...thats another thread, so I would have them if not right away with in a month or two, but im told id still have to support her. Why?

    Dont get me wrong, Id sell my life blood to help my children, but I couldnt care how she lived. If I did divorce and had the children why do i still have to pay her way. Wouldnt she owe me CS

  • #2
    If you didn't want to support your wife, you should have stopped the day after the marriage.

    If you must, think of it like a severence package. You've had her on salary for years, now she gets a payout.

    There is absolutely no reason why she "gets everything" in your divorce, this is completely unsupported by law, and you have either been reading biased rants on the internet or have chosen to simply give up without trying because that is easier than doing a proper job sorting out your divorce.

    If your wife were stay at home and was completely uninvolved with the children, I'm not surprised they would stay with you. Here's a tip:

    "if not right away with in a month or two." You are digging your own grave right there. You have "joint custody" now, while you are married. When you split, you have the kids at least half the time, and you participate 100% in school, doctors, etc. just like you always have. There is no "in a month or two." Use it or lose it.

    These are your children. They don't stop being your chldren for "a month or two."

    Comment


    • #3
      no no you miss interpreted what I said or perhaps I said it wrong. Many factors are missing. I'm not a cold heartless person, I'm fed up and frustrated I could lose a great deal over nonsense.

      Let me start again, like I said its another thread so I'm not trying to hijack this one.

      I had have no issues supporting my wife, none at all. Raising children is a full time job BUT however if it were a real job she would have been let go along time ago.
      Short version, we were happily married, 5 years ago she hurt herself and got a narcotic prescription, she has now developed a dependency and cannot go with out them. She is now abusing her medication and it has started to affect the house hold and children. The medication makes her totally lethargic she has no interests in anyone or anything, mood swings, violent at times. I love my wife I don't hate her I hate what she has become. Everything I have struggled for will be gone because of this, sorry I just don't see it fair. And yes you are correct, I have been looking around the internet , Divorce ??? I'm not sure if its what I should do.

      Now as for my children, what I meant was regardless of who won in court for custody, because of her relationship with the kids, it wouldn't take long for them to move in with me if I should have lost in court. I don't turn my affection on and off like a light switch. My son was born premature. 2 pounds 2 ounces. He almost died 3 times. I spent 6 days straight at the hospital before I went home to shower eat and change my clothes.
      Last edited by Mr.Worthless; 07-22-2012, 10:42 AM. Reason: spelling

      Comment


      • #4
        Depending on their ages. If the children are under 12, then it doesn't matter what they want, the court order stands. Once they are teenagers courts will generally go with what they want (within reason. Changing their minds every time a parent asks them to clean their room won't fly.) The difference with the teenagers isn't built into legislation, but just the practical reality that a teen will walk out the door and stay where they want if they aren't happy. As long as the child is safe, police won't intervene.

        If the children are already of age to decide, then you make that point now. A month later hauling eveyone back in court to get an order changed is ridiculous.

        If there are reasons, such as narcotic dependancy, that would make it in the best interests of the children to be in your care, you make that argument now, in a fair and factual way. If you try to reopen things later, the first thing you will be asked is why you didn't make the point at the first trial (if you go as far as a trial.) Things don't suddenly, magically become relevant now if they weren't relevant earlier.

        As far as what you are writing, consider the post you make on this board a practice run. We will respond, comment, criticize, and point out where you are going wrong, because we have been there, made the same mistakes, and know what we would have done differently. Or what we did right in the first place.

        We aren't out to trash you, were here to help. Sometimes that means point out how you're wording is unclear, or how it will screw you up.

        Keeping your thoughts clear, focused, logical, and relevant is the first step. Putting them in writing in a clear, focused, logical, and relevant way is the second. If you aren't coming across in writing here, accept our comments and questions as a sign you need to reorganize.

        Comment


        • #5
          [QUOTE=Mr.Worthless;100505]

          I had have no issues supporting my wife, none at all. Raising children is a full time job BUT however if it were a real job she would have been let go along time ago.
          Short version, we were happily married, 5 years ago she hurt herself and got a narcotic prescription, she has now developed a dependency and cannot go with out them. She is now abusing her medication and it has started to affect the house hold and children. The medication makes her totally lethargic she has no interests in anyone or anything, mood swings, violent at times. I love my wife I don't hate her I hate what she has become. Everything I have struggled for will be gone because of this, sorry I just don't see it fair. And yes you are correct, I have been looking around the internet , Divorce ??? I'm not sure if its what I should do.

          [quote]

          If this is indeed the case, why are you not focussing on getting her help instead of divorcing her? There are all kind of great rehab centres that can help addicts of all kinds and you

          Originally posted by Mr.Worthless View Post

          Now as for my children, what I meant was regardless of who won in court for custody, because of her relationship with the kids, it wouldn't take long for them to move in with me if I should have lost in court. I don't turn my affection on and off like a light switch. My son was born premature. 2 pounds 2 ounces. He almost died 3 times. I spent 6 days straight at the hospital before I went home to shower eat and change my clothes.
          And she was....where?

          Comment


          • #6
            Thank you for the advice. I took no offence to your first reply. I see how my post seemed callous towards my wife.

            I have started a thread twice now only to delete it, I tend to ramble and while it makes sense to me, not always to others. There is so much to consider and there is really no one who can offer neutral advice.
            My head is like a Maytag on spin cycle

            Comment


            • #7
              [QUOTE=blinkandimgone;100509][QUOTE=Mr.Worthless;100505]

              I had have no issues supporting my wife, none at all. Raising children is a full time job BUT however if it were a real job she would have been let go along time ago.
              Short version, we were happily married, 5 years ago she hurt herself and got a narcotic prescription, she has now developed a dependency and cannot go with out them. She is now abusing her medication and it has started to affect the house hold and children. The medication makes her totally lethargic she has no interests in anyone or anything, mood swings, violent at times. I love my wife I don't hate her I hate what she has become. Everything I have struggled for will be gone because of this, sorry I just don't see it fair. And yes you are correct, I have been looking around the internet , Divorce ??? I'm not sure if its what I should do.


              If this is indeed the case, why are you not focussing on getting her help instead of divorcing her? There are all kind of great rehab centres that can help addicts of all kinds and you



              And she was....where?

              She feels she has no problem, if you bring the subject up she becomes combative. I cant help her if she wont admit to having a problem.
              She has had to get a new Doctor, her last Doctor will no longer treat her because she would not submit random urine samples. You can lead a horse to water cannot force the horse to drink.

              And she was in the hospital for the birth of our son
              Last edited by Mr.Worthless; 07-22-2012, 11:26 AM. Reason: cant spell

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Mr.Worthless View Post

                She feels she has no problem, if you bring the subject up she becomes combative. I cant help her if she wont admit to having a problem.
                She has had to get a new Doctor, her last Doctor will no longer treat her because she would not submit random urine samples. You can lead a horse to water cannot force the horse to drink.
                But you can force a horse into rehab. If it is as serious as you say it is, have her committed. regardless of whether or not you plan to save your marriage. It's in the kids' best interest for her to get treatment.

                Originally posted by Mr.Worthless View Post

                And she was in the hospital for the birth of our son
                Of course she was, that's where she belonged - just as you did. What you need to wrap your brain around is the fact that you don't get scooby snacks for doing the right thing just because you're the dad. If mom would be expected to, so should you. Pointing out things like this in your case isn't going to help you unless you were doing it and she was not.

                You need to focus on the best interests of the kids moving forward, not who did what however many years ago.

                Comment


                • #9
                  How can I force her in to treatment, I'm sorry I'm not educated in this area.

                  AND if I do force her she would do what do you think??? Kiss me or kill me.
                  You can bet CAS will be involved, do I want or need that on top of everything I have to deal with now. No I do not.
                  Because I'm on this forum doesn't mean I'm looking to join the club.
                  I'm at my wits ends and trying to educate myself. Like I said I love my wife Its what's she doing that I hate.
                  I cant make a decision until I know my options, what if I make the wrong choice and everything just gets worse?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Possibly divorcing over narcotic dependancy

                    Moving posts from another thread.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
                      How can I force her in to treatment, I'm sorry I'm not educated in this area.

                      AND if I do force her she would do what do you think??? Kiss me or kill me.
                      You can bet CAS will be involved, do I want or need that on top of everything I have to deal with now. No I do not.
                      Because I'm on this forum doesn't mean I'm looking to join the club.
                      I'm at my wits ends and trying to educate myself. Like I said I love my wife Its what's she doing that I hate.
                      I cant make a decision until I know my options, what if I make the wrong choice and everything just gets worse?
                      Doesn't matter if she wants to kiss you or kill you, it's the right thing to do and in the best interests of the children, it's not about you. Speak with her/yours family and friends and stage an intervention if that's what it takes. There are professionals who can help you do this if needed:

                      Turning Point Detox

                      This one^^ is fairly inexpensive and offers help & resources for families and friends on intervening.

                      You know that you have to make a decision in one direction or another. If you choose not to then you can expect things to continue on the same destructive path until they are no longer fixable.
                      Last edited by blinkandimgone; 07-22-2012, 12:06 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I agree with blinkandimgone.
                        Last edited by Access Dad; 07-22-2012, 01:12 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          The narcotics can kill a person bit by bit on the inside and since I use this medication because there is no alternative treatment to manage what for me has become severe chronic pain. I have dealt with pain for 25 years now, just had my 11th surgery and I follow a very closely monitored program that I willingly accept. I have seen many specialists if nothng else to confirm that the narcotics are indeed the only real option which gives both my GP and myself a little bit a security knowing that we are making the right decisions for me.

                          I have been using the strong pain pills for 9 years now - and my daily and weekly average goes up and down and I see the psychiatrist and the social worker and my GP actually devotes the first half of my appointment to stay on top of me, the person who is doing their very best to be the best person I can be for my family and especially our kids. Thankfully my kids are now older but I fully understand that it is not just one person who suffers from this - every person in the household pays a small price in this.

                          To be frankly honest, of the last 20 years that I have basically gone alone in this, the one single thing I regret is when I lost my ability to cope with what I had in the past always managed, I have learned that the time in which I needed my wife, my partner, the very most; actually it is easy to say that I needed anyone in my life, my wife couldn't be that person. So if there is even one more go, one last try and you are willing to give 100% - Your wife will need to commit 200% and if what has happened in your lives up to now hasn't rang her alarm bell - nothing will. It is a simple way of looking at a complex issue but there really is one answer (IMHO - having been there alone)

                          I suggest you make an emergency appointment with her GP, I would hope that you will be able to have an open conversation but this will mean having to bring your wife along to give her permission for her doctor to discuss this very personal issue. You have a minimum requirement regarding your wife moving forward and as you put it you can't force her to the help but you can put it blank in her face. This is a public forum so without the detail if I were your wife I would want this, sometimes a doctor being point blank with the patient, your wife, that she may actually hear - she has no choice! She (here I can't say what I want - I just do not know your details) This is her last shot, she has to be given the chance, maybe the last of her many chances but this new doctor will be a big part of her solution.

                          You must really want this for it to work or it will not. Your wife will need to actually hear that she has a chance but for you to move forward she really doesn't have a choice.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Forcing individuals to undergo treatment for substance abuse may be seen as violating their civil liberties.

                            In Canada, this could result in legal challenges under the
                            Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Forcing individuals to undergo treatment for substance abuse may be seen as violating their civil liberties.


                            TheCanadian Code of Ethics for Psychologists requires psychologists to recognize the self-determination and personal liberty of the clients whom they serve.
                            Treating clients on an involuntary basis may place licensed psychologists and other professionals in violation of this code.


                            Other ethical issues for human service providers involved in mandatory or coerced treatment may involve potential breaches of client confidentiality when legal and court-appointed case management authorities enter into the treatment process (similar dilemmas can be found in criminal justice contexts)



                            Comment


                            • #15
                              yes.... but that is an extremely GREY area!!

                              The ongoing question that professionals in these fields work with is 'when does one clients own rights outweigh the rights of others (i.e. their children)' One of my parents is a registered Social Worker and we've often discussed the ethics involved, and how hard the decision is at times......

                              Comment

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