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What wins? The child’s special needs or 50/50?

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  • What wins? The child’s special needs or 50/50?

    I’ve been divorced with joint custody on a 2-2-3 schedule for four years. They go to a before and after school program in my school district, ex lives 15 minutes away. Ex wants to switch to 2-2-5-5 to allow him to get a nanny on his days. My work schedule is such that I barely need daycare with 2-2-3, but I’ll need my own nanny for 2-2-5-5.

    Recently, our oldest (7) was diagnosed with ADHD and a learning disability. The psychiatrist and her family doctor recommended medication. The psychiatrist has also recommended tutoring and occupational therapy to catch her up.

    My ex has veto’d medication until he gets 2-2-5-5. He says he can’t afford tutoring, and he doesn’t have time to take her to tutoring/occupational therapy etc without the nanny.

    We can’t afford a nanny (or two). He wants to work long hours and basically come home to tuck them into bed. Historically, we’ve never afforded a nanny, and putting 25-30% of my (or his) take home pay is unaffordable for either of us. He’s not great with money, and doesn’t realize he’s going to bankrupt himself.

    I’ve offered to take the kids more often, to facilitate tutoring and occupational therapy, even declining child support for the extra time (which would probably break the 60/40 barrier), but he insists on keeping the 50/50.

    He claims him seeing the kids 50% of the nights trumps everything. The kid getting medication, tutoring, occupational therapy.

    I say if he can’t meet her needs, that her needs trump seeing him 50% of the time. That with liberal visits and every other weekend he can have a great relationship with our kids.

    Who’s right? Am I wrong that 50/50 is great if you can manage it, but isn’t a do or die thing?

    Help please.


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  • #2
    I have special need kids, and I can tell you their needs trumped everything including Joint Custody. My ex was told in court by a Judge at our Case Conference that he can "forget Joint Custody if he cant meet the special needs of the child(ren)". Both you and your ex need to be attending all Dr's appointment, school meetings and therapy sessions.

    Medicating a child is a HUGE decision, but based on my own experience (my ex was opposed too) a Judge will err on the side of medical advice. The parent that can accommodate the tutoring and therapy will be seen as the more "fit" parent. If your ex is not going to give the child medication on his time, make sure you discuss this with your Dr first, because medicating a child only on one schedule would be a big concern and most likely not advisable.

    As for the nanny, is that required just to get the child to the therapy & tutoring appointments? Why cant they stay in the before and after school program?

    Based on my own experience you are Right. But bear in mind, in my case we do not have a 50/50 agreement.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by kate331 View Post
      As for the nanny, is that required just to get the child to the therapy & tutoring appointments? Why cant they stay in the before and after school program?

      .

      Before and after school is only open 7 am to 6 pm.

      When we were married he worked long hours. When we separated, he asked work for accommodations on the days he had the kids, so he could pick them up by 6. This accommodation has been happening for four years. Apparently his work is no longer willing to let that continue, so he won’t be home until after before and after school closes.



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      • #4
        Babysitters/nannies are less reliable than school daycares imo. You need to accommodate their sick days, vacations, etc. And the turn over could be high if not given full-time hours.

        I think your ex is going to have to rethink his crazy work schedule and in the meantime let you take over more of the parenting duties until your child gets back on track. I know easier said than done, if he is adamant about loosing any of his parenting time. But is he really parenting or is it the babysitter?

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        • #5
          ok you're not going to like my response....

          sounds like 2 parents don't spend enough time with children. Child (7 yr old - presumably grade 2?) isn't doing well in school... likely a 20 year-old-teacher who is making that call? So parents, looking for band aid, take kid to doctors (including a psychiatrist no less!). Now this is where I am confused. Did the doctor conduct all of the various testing required to make diagnosis? (Sometimes this takes many hours and with young children it can mean taking them to clinician several times because..... yep... you got it - kids have short attention spans!). So now we have a 7-year old that doctor's want to medicate. I can tell you that I would look for a 2nd and possibly 3rd opinion unless your kid is throwing them self against the walls and going "bonkers."

          Medication and Nannies will never replace simply hands-on parenting. I'd recommend you do whatever it takes to simply spend more time with your children. Perhaps family counselling is a better option?

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          • #6
            Nice try Arabian.

            I’m with my kids pretty much every moment I have them. Occasionally family takes them to school if I work early, but I pick them up right after school. (I work basically every day I don’t have them). I read with them every night, and we do extra math and spelling work because I think the schools are dropping the ball on that. Since the diagnosis I’ve been tutoring her half an hour a night.

            I can’t comment on dad’s house. I don’t think he does much, but I can’t control that.

            The kids a family history of learning disabilities and ADHD, so we’ve been watching closely. Four teachers, with 15-40 years experience have all suggested she struggles more than she should. By grade two she should be able to write “the”, she’s a smart cookie.

            So we got her tested, at a private place that does this regularly. They spent over eight hours with her and us, over multiple days. Their testing, combined with checklists given to multiple people in her life, confirmed ADHD with a learning disability.

            Medication isn’t our first line. We’ve been working on increasing exercise, mindfulness, cutting out food dyes, and increasing omegas. But she’s still enough of a space cadet to not stop at a crosswalk - even in a large group. Our tutoring sessions are spent with her upside down, or hanging off the chair or with her interrupting me with a question she thought of last week.

            I’m more than willing to spend more time with her- but unless a court or arbitrator gives me more than 50% of the time with her, my hand are tied.

            If you have any more suggestions on how to help my daughter, I’d love to hear them.


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            • #7
              Is their behaviour issues too? Often they go hand in hand with ADHD.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by kate331 View Post
                Is their behaviour issues too? Often they go hand in hand with ADHD.


                No behaviour issues.


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                • #9
                  Thank you

                  So what exactly, specifically, is your daughter's "learning disability"?
                  I am pleased to hear that you have taken her to a private psychologist (presumably) to have battery of tests performed. I had my son tested privately many years ago and I recall it was in the neighborhood of 1700.00. Other places had told me he had a 'learning disability' but turns out he was merely lazy and not motivated. Had I listened to the first so-called expert I would have moved my son to a special school! I learned many years ago also that schools love to have the under-performing children designated as "learning disabled" so their grades don't affect the school's academic scoring. I also learned that schools who have children designated as "learning disabled" benefit from extra funding. Imagine that?!? If you haven't already, have your child's eyesight checked. Hearing testing is another thing that schools fail miserably at. I say this because it is very easy to overlook something like this. Schools also conduct tests without finding out if children need glasses.

                  I really thought that in 2018 the ADHD labeling would have diminished. Are they still prescribing Ritalin for this?

                  Guess you have your child custody locked up nice and tight.

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                  • #10
                    Yes, Arabian the drug of choice is still Ritalin or Concerta (same base). I do think they are over prescribing it, and yes my child is on it. And yes my child is in a special needs school. He simply doesnt have the coping mechanism to attend a regular school. With him he cant take any "noise". He is too disruptive to allow the other child the time and attention they need. His energy is boundless and our schools have cut physical activities down to the bone. Most kids dont even walk to school anymore. My son is not lazy or not motivated, more frustrated that his brain is moving at the speed of light and he cant keep up.

                    I do think these children thrive on routine and it does take some extra effort on separated/divorced parents part, a schedule in place that mirrors itself is ideal. Strict rules and expectations. I also believe that diet does effect them, even eliminating all refined sugar helps, you and your ex need to be on board so both households are on the same page. You can offer your child a "clean" diet all week, only to have the other parent go through the McD's drive thru to throw off all your efforts.

                    I am not sure that a private testing is any better than the public system, where a child assessment is done, there are many facilities in the Toronto area that do them through OHIP or the school board at no cost, for example Sick Kids, Holland Bloorview, Humber River Hospital, CAMH, Etobicoke Children's Centre to name a few. Part of any assessment also include solutions based on the child situation which includes their living situations and their parents views. Its crucial that both parents participate in helping to facilitate solutions to give the child the tools they need.

                    Thats my 2 cents for the nite

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by arabian View Post
                      So what exactly, specifically, is your daughter's "learning disability"? .
                      A learning disability in written expression. They probably would have labelled it dysgraphia in your time, but they don’t use dysgraphia/dyslexia terms anymore in Ontario.

                      Originally posted by arabian View Post
                      I am pleased to hear that you have taken her to a private psychologist (presumably) to have battery of tests performed. I had my son tested privately many years ago and I recall it was in the neighborhood of $1700.
                      Yes, the price has gone up. The price for everything has gone up. Fortunately insurance covered most it it, because the wait time in public schools is years.

                      Originally posted by arabian View Post

                      I learned many years ago also that schools love to have the under-performing children designated as "learning disabled" so their grades don't affect the school's academic scoring. I also learned that schools who have children designated as "learning disabled" benefit from extra funding. Imagine that?!?
                      Yes, a school may prefer to to not include under-performing children to help their scoring. I’m not sure that happening here - she kicks butt in math, and now they won’t have her help to raise their math scores.

                      The school seems to be spending their extra funding on her - a Chromebook, extra software, one-on-one time, a scribe when necessary. Maybe *gasp* they actually care.

                      Originally posted by arabian View Post

                      If you haven't already, have your child's eyesight checked. Hearing testing is another thing that schools fail miserably at. I say this because it is very easy to overlook something like this. Schools also conduct tests without finding out if children need glasses.

                      Done, and done.

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                      • #12
                        Hey mom22girls!

                        I don't have much to add (because the responses you are getting are depressing and not surprising at the same time a) but I wanted to say kudos to you for doing all you can with your little girl and I know having a special-needs child is all kinds of stress.

                        Big hugs, you're doing a great job.

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