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How much say does 12 year old have?

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  • #16
    Originally posted by rockscan View Post
    You may want to try to work with your ex on this and try to reach an agreement with them. If either of you have concerns about this because of child support then there will be trouble. For instance, if she doesnt want to agree because she fears the loss of cs or you want to reduce cs then she will more than likely fight you for it which will create stress on the child. Even though the child wants it, there could be difficulty based on attitudes.

    You may want to try to work with the ex first and go from there. The courts look at what you did to attempt to resolve the situation prior to filing paperwork.

    Yes your child can come and go as they please but is that a battle you want to have when it isnt necessary?
    I agree with you, I think trying to reach an agreement first is sound advice for the vast majority of issues, including where a 14-year old is going.

    However once you reach the conclusion that no agreement is possible because the other side is closed-minded about any kind of solution, then there are only two choices: shut up, or go to court.

    If I am going to choose the latter, then I want to know that at least, chances are good that a judge would agree with the change. Basically, the question is if a judge makes a change in custody/time sharing for the 14-year old, will the decision trickle down to siblings as well, or will the family be split? There is also a 9-year old in the mix, in addition to the 12-year old.

    I would like to know what is likely to happen before I trigger the "trouble".

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by Stillbreathing View Post
      Beware of encouraging a teen to vote with their feet or otherwise defy a visitation court order when their lives are not in immenant danger. Doing so may come back to bite you big time. You should actually do everything in your power to nip this in the bud. If your teen is successful you run the high risk of them continuing with the defiant behaviour once they have gotten what they (or you or both of you) wanted I.e. increased time with you and a court order that says so.

      Teens are at an age where testing limits and asserting their own will is a normal stage of development. However, if they learn to manipulate with defiant behaviour to get their own way, they WILL also use those same techniques against you when they don’t like the rules at your house. You have to take the longer view and think about what you want to teach them. Do you want to teach them to disrespect the justice and court system or do you want to teach them patience, negotiation and problem solving skills?
      Very wise advice. It is probably best to tell the teenager that I will try to change the order in court, but that in the mean time we should continue to respect it. And if I fail in court, then we should continue to respect it as well, whether we like it or not.

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      • #18
        Whats your access now?

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by kate331 View Post
          Whats your access now?
          Two weekends per month, one week for March break, one week for New Year, and one third of the summer.

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by Istanbul View Post
            Two weekends per month, one week for March break, one week for New Year, and one third of the summer.
            Instanbul, I dont blame you for wanting more access, thats an awful schedule. What if you took baby steps and did a 1 night a weekday with the kids, take them out for dinner even if its just the oldest child to start. Do they do activities after school, join them and watch or try to get involved by volunteering anything to be more involved.

            Your ex must be "Super Mom", 3 kids and she doesnt want some extra time to herself?

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            • #21
              Originally posted by kate331 View Post
              Your ex must be "Super Mom", 3 kids and she doesnt want some extra time to herself?

              I would guess she cares more about full table cs then being super mom.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by kate331 View Post
                Instanbul, I dont blame you for wanting more access, thats an awful schedule. What if you took baby steps and did a 1 night a weekday with the kids, take them out for dinner even if its just the oldest child to start. Do they do activities after school, join them and watch or try to get involved by volunteering anything to be more involved.

                Your ex must be "Super Mom", 3 kids and she doesnt want some extra time to herself?
                I have tried asking for one child for one night only, also denied.

                My case is actually quite complicated and unusual in many ways. I just found out about this forum recently and I have not told my entire story yet. I am trying to break it down into pieces, hence my question about the age at which a judge would consider the opinion of a child, and whether the younger ones would follow. But it is only one piece of the entire puzzle.

                Whether my ex is super mom, I would say far from it, but I will elaborate on this in other threads in due time I will have pages and pages to write! Nor am I super dad!

                Thank you for your advice

                Comment


                • #23
                  A 9 year old has been going to his dad after school during time with his mom and no one could do anything about it. no one could force him to go to mom. They both lived very close to each other.

                  HappyMomma, if I understand, your ex has told the child she cannot stay 50/50 with him. That is traumatic for a child when being pushed away by own parent. For that reason I would not even encourage yet alone force her to go to him. Let him go to court.

                  Kids at age 12 know where they like to be more but law is one thing and justice another.

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                  • #24
                    Two weekends per month, one week for March break, one week for New Year, and one third of the summer.
                    To clarify my previous statement in light of comments from @kate331 in another thread:

                    I do not live in Canada. I fly in, see the children two consecutive weekends. Then I fly out. I asked to get the children for an entire week at a time rather than just the weekends, and ex refused.

                    The only times I get the children on week days are when there is no school.

                    I do not have a residence in Canada. For March break, New Year, and 1/3 of the summer I host the children in their grand parents house. For weekends here and there, we go to a hotel on weekend mini-trips.

                    How would joint custody work? Well if I had joint custody, I would get a residence in Canada. But at the moment since my ex is refusing anything, I have not had a reason to get settled.

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                    • #25
                      I dont blame the ex for refusing. You do not have a permanent home in Canada. If you are serious about joint custody, or heck even seeing your kids more, then get settled in Canada. You do have a reason to get settled, you want to get more time with the kids.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                        I dont blame the ex for refusing. You do not have a permanent home in Canada. If you are serious about joint custody, or heck even seeing your kids more, then get settled in Canada. You do have a reason to get settled, you want to get more time with the kids.


                        This...

                        You can’t argue you want more time when you don’t live in Canada and don’t have a residence. Get yourself settled so the children can see you more and then try to argue for more access


                        Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Istanbul, agree with the other posters! Your putting the cart before the horse. You need to prove your active in your kids lives then ask for Joint Custody. Who is taking the children to Dr's appointments, Dentists, Teacher interviews, doing homework, making sure chores get done? Attending all the school events and extra circular activities.

                          You cant raise the children in a hotel room, Grandparents home, maybe.

                          What if there is an emergency with one of the kids, where are you in another country.

                          A Judge had to tell my ex, you cant leave all your parenting responsibilities up to your ex and expect Joint Custody. Show the Judge ahead of time, when your ready and willing, bear in mind status quo has set in, and it could be too late.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Istanbul View Post
                            How would joint custody work? Well if I had joint custody, I would get a residence in Canada. But at the moment since my ex is refusing anything, I have not had a reason to get settled.
                            1) Joint custody is about decision making. You could see the kids a grand total of zero days a year and still have joint custody. Unless you are high conflict, you will automatically get joint custody. In your case, it will probably be the fake joint custody where one parent has the "final say", but they will still tell you that you have joint custody. Perhaps you mean shared custody?

                            2) Unfortunately, you have to get the residence before you get the kids. I get your position, why get a house if you won't get the kids? Unfortunately, that's not how judges think. First you have to move here. Then you have to start increasing your time with the kids (think EOW), and then you continue to increase it from that point.

                            Right now, you have shown almost no parenting ability. I don't mean that as an insult, more of an observation. Hanging out 4 times a year in a hotel room means that you're a fun uncle, not a father. The judge just sees a father who has never been a father. You need to create evidence that you're a father, and you can't do that from another country.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              I disagree Janus in order to make decisions you have to be informed and be part of their lives. For example changing schools, unless you attend the parent teacher interviews and are not engaged in their school life (homework etc) and receiving all the info second hand (Mom), I think it would be hard to make an informed decision.

                              I do think though, he could use his parents house as a main residence for the time being. I cant see a Judge having a problem with that.

                              Comment

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