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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11  
Old 11-22-2018, 01:17 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is online now
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I supplied him with the information already.... I am a full time mom. I canít be writing emails every day as to every little occurrence. Which mostly there is none. I sent report cards. I sent calendar link. He met teachers himself in first day. I send him notes of good and bad days. He has consents to contact anyone he needs to. Yet he still asks me for the information. I give him the information and the tools to get it himself and he still says I donít provide him with anything.

When I try to say I was advised by said teacher or therapist to do a,b,c I get told by dad to have them contact dad themselves. Like the childís therapist or teacher is not the go between for either of us. Like today hockey coach emails me saying dad hasnít paid his share of tournament fees. She asked dad. Dad says to ask mom??? So she she asks me and i say I have an email from dad saying he is paying half. She says.Ē Dad says you didnít respond to his emailĒ. Iím sorry I didnít know a response was needed. We both look like idiots. Especially him now. And now she said my kids are not welcome to play in her hockey league next year if she is forced to deal with dad anymore. ;-(.


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  #12  
Old 11-22-2018, 01:19 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
I supplied him with the information already.... I am a full time mom. I canít be writing emails every day as to every little occurrence. Which mostly there is none. I sent report cards. I sent calendar link. He met teachers himself in first day. I send him notes of good and bad days. He has consents to contact anyone he needs to. Yet he still asks me for the information. I give him the information and the tools to get it himself and he still says I donít provide him with anything.
It's a control thing.

Dad wants you jumping every time he asks for something.

If you can afford it- just pay the stuff on dad's behalf. Yes, that's actually what he wants- BUT you win by your kid not looking like they have warring parents- and not having to talk to him.


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Originally Posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
He seems to think I need to be his assistant and hand feed him all this information that really is at his finger tips. He claims he isnít listed at the school. But I got a copy of the school registration where is shows he is.


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My ex does the same shit with our toddler. He wants to know all kinds of information about her school and her doctors. To that- I send the link to where he can register for the parents portal- and the numbers to her doctors office.

That being said- after appointments- if he wasn't there- even routine ones- I always send an update on OFW saying what happened and next steps. I've provided him with all the emails for her doctors, and usually give him lots of notice of appointments coming up.

As to school- I don't bother. Unless it has to do with her health- I don't update him. At all. No parent teacher meetings, no school trips, nada...it's all sent (multiple times) via email and up on the Parent's Portal website. I did, however, send him a link to her preschool pictures though so he could order some if he wants. I felt pretty proud of myself for that.*




*I am joking. I felt smug.
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  #13  
Old 11-22-2018, 01:21 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is online now
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Originally Posted by StillPaying View Post
The difference is that they're in court right now, where I believe her ex is fighting for sole custody, so anything and everything will be used against her. Why not just send an email each time and avoid his claim that the school only wants to deal with her or he never knew. Once court is finished nobody will care about this stuff anymore and they'll be able to figure it out themselves.


Right!! Except I have provided all I need to provide. I guess him putting in an email that I have not provided it makes him think that itís true. Itís very frustrating. As it stands right now I still have sole custody. I do everything for those kids and I am a good mom. Itís great dad wants to be a dad after 5 years of doing the bare minimum. But it doesnít mean the kids need to now live with him. And that I need to spoon feed him all this info. I spoon fed him before and it all went ignored. Now I stop enabling him and it will be used against me.


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  #14  
Old 11-22-2018, 01:23 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is online now
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
My ex does the same shit with our toddler. He wants to know all kinds of information about her school and her doctors. To that- I send the link to where he can register for the parents portal- and the numbers to her doctors office.



That being said- after appointments- if he wasn't there- even routine ones- I always send an update on OFW saying what happened and next steps. I've provided him with all the emails for her doctors, and usually give him lots of notice of appointments coming up.



As to school- I don't bother. Unless it has to do with her health- I don't update him. At all. No parent teacher meetings, no school trips, nada...it's all sent (multiple times) via email and up on the Parent's Portal website. I did, however, send him a link to her preschool pictures though so he could order some if he wants. I felt pretty proud of myself for that.*









*I am joking. I felt smug.


I do all of this. Invite him to appointments. Send him the photo registration. The report cards. Any papers I get I scan to him. Guess he missed the part on the report cards where it says the teachers names.


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  #15  
Old 11-22-2018, 01:30 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
I do all of this. Invite him to appointments. Send him the photo registration. The report cards. Any papers I get I scan to him. Guess he missed the part on the report cards where it says the teachers names.


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I get this- it's a balance of trying to show you're not gatekeeping- and you're welcoming, etc etc, bullshit bullshit bullshit. You're in the OCL process too, right? You want to make sure you're not viewed as shutting dad out.

But in reality- you're still over-functioning. If you're scanning shit to him? that's over-functioning. I was doing it too (let's be real- I'm still doing it)....you need to stop. Let him get the information.


My lawyer gave me some advice- "kill them with kindness when you speak to them...but don't help them". Unless helping him helps the kids- don't do it. If it doesn't help your kids- you don't need to do it.
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  #16  
Old 11-22-2018, 02:02 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is online now
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
I get this- it's a balance of trying to show you're not gatekeeping- and you're welcoming, etc etc, bullshit bullshit bullshit. You're in the OCL process too, right? You want to make sure you're not viewed as shutting dad out.

What is looking like I gate keep? Honest question... I really am trying to include him and no matter what I do it gets twisted. I have always fought to include him and have him be more involved.



But in reality- you're still over-functioning. If you're scanning shit to him? that's over-functioning. I was doing it too (let's be real- I'm still doing it)....you need to stop. Let him get the information.
I was ordered to give him written consents to all professionals. He has all their contacts and phone numbers. He had most of them prior to the order he just lied and said he didnít. So doesnít that make it so he canít contact these people himself?





My lawyer gave me some advice- "kill them with kindness when you speak to them...but don't help them". Unless helping him helps the kids- don't do it. If it doesn't help your kids- you don't need to do it.


Yes ocl is well under way... she had observed both families with the kids but only spoken to kids at dads house so far which I found odd.

Our current agreement says I am to inform him of school progress and special events. (Yes dumb wording) and thatís all it says. So I send him report cards and calendar link. And anything else teacher tells me.


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  #17  
Old 11-22-2018, 02:25 PM
StillPaying StillPaying is offline
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I disagree with you and Iona on this one. Scanning a document is not over-functioning... good luck co-parenting.

You know your ex continues to use this excuse on you. He got an order for your authorization for communication with all professionals. He has an agrerment that you will provide all school info to him.

Continuing to sit back and say he can access it himself is only giving further credit to his claim. You say you're sending him everything so you should be ok, but every once in a while you hint that you didn't actually provide the info, he just didn't put it together himself.

Stop giving him what he needs to fight you. Be extra helpful and send him everything related to school. He won't have a case. Once court is over, go back to sending links and I'm sure it'll be fine.
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  #18  
Old 11-22-2018, 02:57 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StillPaying View Post
I disagree with you and Iona on this one. Scanning a document is not over-functioning... good luck co-parenting.



You know your ex continues to use this excuse on you. He got an order for your authorization for communication with all professionals. He has an agrerment that you will provide all school info to him.



Continuing to sit back and say he can access it himself is only giving further credit to his claim. You say you're sending him everything so you should be ok, but every once in a while you hint that you didn't actually provide the info, he just didn't put it together himself.



Stop giving him what he needs to fight you. Be extra helpful and send him everything related to school. He won't have a case. Once court is over, go back to sending links and I'm sure it'll be fine.


Thanks for the advice. I agree ... I really do send him everything I can. I never made an appointment for parent teacher interviews. They werenít needed. So there wasnít anything to tell him other than send the report cards.

I even invited him for a pre school tour as the kids started a new school this year. And he ignored.

But I see your point. Thanks.


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  #19  
Old 11-22-2018, 03:24 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Theres a huge difference between giving info and denying info. My partner had to actually scan the section of his agreement and provide it to groups and the school and then they went and asked the ex for permission to give it to him. You have given the school your blessing to provide info if he calls and asks. If he tries to play the ďI get no infoĒ card, you have covered your ass enough.
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  #20  
Old 11-22-2018, 03:55 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StillPaying View Post
I disagree with you and Iona on this one. Scanning a document is not over-functioning... good luck co-parenting.

You know your ex continues to use this excuse on you. He got an order for your authorization for communication with all professionals. He has an agrerment that you will provide all school info to him.

Continuing to sit back and say he can access it himself is only giving further credit to his claim. You say you're sending him everything so you should be ok, but every once in a while you hint that you didn't actually provide the info, he just didn't put it together himself.

Stop giving him what he needs to fight you. Be extra helpful and send him everything related to school. He won't have a case. Once court is over, go back to sending links and I'm sure it'll be fine.
It depends on what the document is...if it's something Dad can get because he's authorized to speak to the school administrators- then it is. Report cards are different. Progress reports are different.

I agree that if Dad asks- give it to him. But in terms of reminders, etc...it's too much. Dad wants her to engage with him.

And if the OCL is involved it's because they recognize it's likely a high conflict relationship between the parents. If she continues to engage it could backfire because it looks like she CAN communicate with no problem...
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