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  • Doctor's and dentist appointments

    I have repeatedly asked my ex to inform me well in advance of my daughters' scheduled doctor's and dentist's appointments so that I can make arrangements to attend, to no avail. I found out today from my 7 year old daughter about her dental appointment yesterday.
    We have a shared joint custody parenting arrangement. She is intentionally not communicating and trying to keep me at a distance.
    What recourse do I have?

  • #2
    Contact the dental office and make the arrangement with them to notify you of appointments. Then your ex doesn't have the option of not telling you.

    It's the kind of thing that also continuously pisses me off and sticks in my craw when I fought so hard for joint custody. You can document it and save it for the future if you ever need to go court...

    *gives ex a cheque for swimming lessons*
    *asks when his swimming lessons are because I'd like to go*
    *informed his lessons finished a week ago*
    *sigh*

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    • #3
      FFF first point is pretty much bang on. Talk to the doctors, show them your order/agreement state that you wish to be informed of all appointments. Just know that most won't inform you anyway, as they won't want to get involved or will forget....but you will have to stay on them.

      You should also write your ex a letter stating that you recently became aware that the kid(s) had an appointment with whomever. In accordance with clause x of your order/agreement (whatever clause gives you joint), both parents must agree on matters relating to school, religion and health. As such you wish to be informed of all future appointments for the kid(s) so that you may determine if you can attend.

      That it is in the kids best interests that both parents be involved in the health and welfare of the child and that you don't agree with her unilaterally withholding the information of such appointments.

      Rinse and repeat. Should your ex continue to fail to inform you, you can likely file a motion to compel her to inform you or maybe contempt.

      Comment


      • #4
        You can't force someone to co-parent with you. There is really no need for both parents to be there at the appointments if one parent does not feel like it. What you can do is call the dentist and the doctors and stay up to date with the health status. I was going to suggest that you can also book the appointments and then invite the other parent to come with you, but that might increase the conflict. Have you tried phoning the doctor's/dentist's office and finding out when the next appointment is?

        There is no need to increase the conflict just because your ex does not want you to be there at all the appointments, most of which I am sure are just the routine visits.

        Comment


        • #5
          [QUOTE=singledad99;115036]Have you tried phoning the doctor's/dentist's office and finding out when the next appointment is? QUOTE]

          Not yet, but I plan to do so. They are usually annual appointments with so much time in between. I'm sure my ex is aware that the more time I spend doing these things, the more I have a case to eventually ask for 50/50 parenting.
          I like the idea of scheduling the appointments and then inviting her, but I know she will flip out. I may also suggest that we alternate the appointments. Either way I have to do something.

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          • #6
            please tell me that you are not just doing it to build your case?? That you were an involved parent and went to all the appointments before.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
              please tell me that you are not just doing it to build your case?? That you were an involved parent and went to all the appointments before.
              Why does that matter?

              Nothing like having somebody try to steal your children to make you realize how much you want to do with them. Divorce is a very life and character-changing event, as we all know.

              And, frankly, he shouldn't have to do this to build his case. Shared custody should be the presumptive situation unless there is serious and continuing abuse.

              Comment


              • #8
                Maybe I'm wrong here, but for regular checkups do both parents really need to be there?

                Did you both take the child previously as a couple?

                I can understand if there was something had come up to cause concern or for a consult or even for very young children where both parents want the assurance that their child is fine.

                It sounds like you are high conflict. Is it in the best interests of the child to have 2 parents sitting on opposite ends of a waiting room just to prove a point glaring daggers at one another? Fun times for your daughter.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by TiredOfTheDrama View Post
                  It sounds like you are high conflict. Is it in the best interests of the child to have 2 parents sitting on opposite ends of a waiting room just to prove a point glaring daggers at one another? Fun times for your daughter.
                  It is in the best interests of the child to have a parent that is fully communicative. Clearly, the OP feels that his ex is not fulfilling that part of the parental obligation, and is taking steps to rectify the situation.

                  Frankly I think that alienation, even in its minor forms, is worse than two parents staring each other down in a waiting room.

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                  • #10
                    yes but if they are acting stupid in a waiting room then the child is right there and sees its all. Is that really good for the child?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                      yes but if they are acting stupid in a waiting room then the child is right there and sees its all. Is that really good for the child?
                      I didn't say it was good, but the answer to alienation attempts should never be to let it slide and hope for the best.

                      Alienation is the worst thing for the child. Worse than not paying support, worse than a court case... and yes, worse than acting stupid in a waiting room. Also, there are no collectible "arrears" in an alienation case. You act immediately or you lose forever.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Janus View Post
                        It is in the best interests of the child to have a parent that is fully communicative. Clearly, the OP feels that his ex is not fulfilling that part of the parental obligation, and is taking steps to rectify the situation.

                        Frankly I think that alienation, even in its minor forms, is worse than two parents staring each other down in a waiting room.
                        I do agree that he should be kept in the loop about appointments. That wasn't what I referred to in post.

                        My question was in joint situations is it usual practice for both parents show up for regular check up appointments for a healthy 7 year old? How was this handled when they were married?

                        Children aren't stupid, they can feel the emotions off their parents. If they can't be civil towards each other the child is going to be stressed and feel torn between the two.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Janus View Post
                          I didn't say it was good, but the answer to alienation attempts should never be to let it slide and hope for the best.

                          Alienation is the worst thing for the child. Worse than not paying support, worse than a court case... and yes, worse than acting stupid in a waiting room. Also, there are no collectible "arrears" in an alienation case. You act immediately or you lose forever.
                          "Alienation" is rare before the courts. Often times people throw the term "alienation" around like they due the "abuse" word without understanding what constitutes parental alienation. (emotional abuse, verbal abuse, etc...)

                          P.A.S. is rare and very extreme. Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP) is more common in divorce situations but, if left unchecked can lead to PAS.

                          For example, the only parent on this board that I know of that has truly experienced "PAS" is Stephen Watkins. To read his descriptions of what their children are saying at access calls to him, the lose of their heratage as Canadians, their isolation from him as a parent and what they have been told about him as a parent in my honest opinion constitutes "alienation".

                          The vast majority of people coming to this site "crying" alienation is an over exaggeration and insult to the clinical concepts of what "alienation" really is having witnessed what the true intent of alienation is through Stephen Watkin's matters before the court.

                          Most of what people complain about as "alienation" is really not that.

                          As always, I point everyone to Gary on the topic:

                          Your Social Worker - Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

                          Moreover, the social science literature suggests that in order to undue the influence of the idolized parent on the children and the children’s alignment with that parent against the vilified parent, the child must actually have more time with the vilified parent to gain first hand experience of that parent’s behaviour through which their first hand experience challenges previously held beliefs. The children, thus living a cognitive dissonance, experiencing reasonable versus unreasonable behaviour, resolve the dissonance by rejecting previous beliefs in favour of accepting their actual experience of the parent as decent. Depending on the degree to which the idolized parent supports such interventions, children’s exposure to the idolized parent may have to be altered or restricted to control for any undo negative influence. In the most extreme of circumstances, where the children refuse visitation with the vilified parent and support is not forthcoming from the idolized parent or the support is superficial, the children may have to be placed in an alternate living situation. There, the influence of the idolized parent is unavailable and the children can work towards reintegration with the vilified parent without undo influence from the idolized parent.
                          Good Luck!
                          Tayken
                          Last edited by Tayken; 11-10-2012, 08:57 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                            please tell me that you are not just doing it to build your case?? That you were an involved parent and went to all the appointments before.
                            And here I was thinking I was doing the right thing.. Regardless of whether I have been to appointments or not should not matter. Doing nothing about this situation would be much worse in my view. I actually want to take them and I want to be informed about things like my 7 year old daughter's recent cavity that I only found about through her. I have been to medical appointments when I was able, but my youngest is 5, and I have been battling this since she was 2. Furthermore, I work and my ex does not; it is a lot easier for her to attend 10:00 AM appointments. I will take sick days to attend the appointments, and I guess I will have to call the doctor's/dentist's offices to plan ahead.
                            I am not ashamed to admit that I want a 50% shared parenting arrangement, and that I will attend doctor's appointments and anything else to achieve this. Doing nothing is not an option. It is in my view very much in my childrens' best interest. And it is just one of several "tactics", along with taking sick days, that has been suggested to me in these forums. Sadly, it has come to this. I am and always have been a very involved father that like so many on these forums has to unfairly fight for something I should not have to fight for.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by TiredOfTheDrama View Post
                              My question was in joint situations is it usual practice for both parents show up for regular check up appointments for a healthy 7 year old? How was this handled when they were married?
                              We both attended some together, though she has attended most on her own, especially since we separated. I am going to suggest that we alternate the appointments, but that she is welcome to attend when it is my turn to take them.

                              Comment

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