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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 07-08-2011, 11:35 AM
winterwolf7 winterwolf7 is offline
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Default Driving for visits

Since separation my ex has stubbornly refused to do any driving for my visits with our son. She chose to leave, she took the car, leaving me with no vehicle and has steadfastly maintained for 11 months that any and all driving for access to my son is my responsibility.

Kind of ackward when I do not own a vehicle and do not have the credit to buy/lease one because I'm paying too much in support.

The good news is that up until now I have managed to live in someone's basement 5 minutes away from my ex. I have borrowed cars from family for my access.

However now I am being forced to move further away, and the vehicle I am currently using will no longer be available. Our first case conference is coming up and I asked the courts to order shared driving.

But in the mean time, if I move across town, I won't be able to have any weekday visits because of working 9-5pm, following by bussing/driving during rush hour both ways which won't allow more than about 15 minutes time for a visit to bring him home for bed time. I need my ex to drop him off at my place so I can save that time to actually have a visit.

What happens if I tell her she has to do this driving (because I don't have a car), and she refuses and thus prevents access to my son?

In my (occasionally angry) head I feel that if she insists I do the driving then her support needs to be reduced to a level where I can actually own or lease one. The only purpose of me owning a vehicle is for access visits, as I walk/bus everywhere else.
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Old 07-08-2011, 02:31 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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What does your court order or agreement provide for in regards to transportation?

I was able to get my ex to agree to provide transportation at the start of her parenting time (meaning I pick for my time, she picks up for hers). I wouldn't want to rely on her to deliver the kids to me for my parenting time.

Not to sound harsh, but there are alternatives from moving further away. Start to reduce your spending. No cable, reduce your plan on your cell, reduce internet, find discounts on groceries. Find more affordable housing, get a parttime job etc.

You ex should take some responsibility for driving. That is something you could mediate with the ex, maybe using other matters for leverage.

But if you can't exercise your parenting time due to your move, you could request alternative time, like more vacation time in the summer to makeup the difference. I would go to the ex with a few options:

a) she shares in the driving so you can maintain your weekday parenting time; or
b) as you are now unable to exercise the midweek time, an equivalent amount of time in either weekends, breaks or summer vacation to compensate for the lost time.

But in general, you move further away creating large costs associated with exercising your parenting time, you bare the burden of those costs. To put these extra costs to the other parent is punative.
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Old 07-08-2011, 02:52 PM
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wretchedotis wretchedotis is offline
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Well in my case the judge figured because she doesn't have a license, I should do all the driving. I imagine the same case could be made for not owning a car.

My arguement was she moved it should be her responsablilty to arrange transportation at least half the time
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Old 07-08-2011, 04:19 PM
winterwolf7 winterwolf7 is offline
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We have no agreement on paper and no court order yet after 11 months. As for moving, my landlady has asked me to leave repeatedly because she prefers to have short term tenants in her basement (ie students). There is no affordable housing in the part of the city where my ex lives.

I have been meeting with rental agents and looking at apartments and I'm rapidly becoming convinced I can't afford to live anywhere where I'd consider bringing my son.

After all her support is paid, my income goes from 63k per year to around 20k per year (below minimum wage). I can't afford a car or apartment. Yet I have the eerie premonition that a judge will still insist I do all the driving and order me to pay even more support.

Getting the other person to share in the costs is only punitive if you assume the situation was set up to be fair in the first place.
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Old 07-08-2011, 07:28 PM
mummer1962 mummer1962 is offline
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Being long distance from one province to another the only good thing i have to say about respondent is that he paid to fly her to his province for visitation. It is totally reasonable that you are able to see your children regardless of distance. Try to work out an agreement that allows you to claim costs for visitation. Its all about the kids.
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Old 07-08-2011, 09:58 PM
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She took the car but has no license? Can you not argue then that the car should be handed over to you so that you can have access to your son? I may be grasping here.
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Old 07-11-2011, 09:01 AM
winterwolf7 winterwolf7 is offline
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In my case at least we are not talking about "substantial costs" or long distance. I'm talking about moving from being 5-8 minutes away by car to being maybe 20 minutes away by car.

She only concedes to give me 2 hours of time for a visit, and insists I do all of the driving, I am losing half my visit in the car. My spouse seems to have a hard-on for being artificially difficult. For example, she will only accept certain questions at certain e-mail addresses depending on the subject. She will only accept support by direct deposit (no cheques). She insists she has to know everywhere that I go with our son, but she won't tell me anything in return.

I am working while she is not, and she is collecting disability (for my son), spousal, CS and baby bonuses. She certainly can and should drive a few minutes a week to make this work.
  #8  
Old 07-23-2011, 07:47 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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In my bfs agreement, he has a clause that states, each parent are responsible for meeting half way with the children. In the event either parent moves, it is the movings parents responsibility to continue to drop the children off at the meeting location.
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Old 07-25-2011, 01:28 AM
Pierre Pierre is offline
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> She chose to leave, she took the car
Was the car under your name, hers or both? Unless it was her car, I'd say she's unreasonable.

I have a potential solution to your problem. Not sure if you could still afford it but check into Vrtucar. It's a car sharing service and from what you write, would be a lot cheaper than buying your own, even a used car or renting one the old fashioned way. Or keep borrowing friends and family cars which is a pain.

My situation: kids live 90 km away so that's at least 360 km per weekend. Vrtucar costs $37 (going up to $39 however) per day so that's $74 for the two days. Kilometres are about 13.7 cents (just went up a bit and they have a new fuel surcharge buy hey, what can you do). $10 per month for group insurance, gas is taken care of. Add taxes and a typical weekend costs about $140. OK, still a big chunk but a car of my own would cost twice that or more. If you live a lot closer to the kids, it will be cheaper for you.

Other option is taking the bus. I've done that when the ex lived in Stitsville for a short period and I'm in Vanier. Almost 1.5 hours on buses just to get there and back of course. Four times in two days. Missed my bus once in Stittsville coming back in a snowstorm. It was the last one of the day and I walked to Kanata about 2 clicks.

So I'd go with Vrtucar if you can't reason with her and help you out somehow.

HammerDad mentioned you need to cut down on expenses and I agree. Do you really need cable? That's $50. I work at home so I don't need a cell phone. I need the Internet for my work but maybe you don't or use the slowest speed. Heck, go to the library and use it free. There's always some kind of sale in grocery stores.

> I'm rapidly becoming convinced I can't afford to live anywhere where I'd consider bringing my son.
You know, I don't think your son will mind much. If he's older, he'll understand that dad just can't afford something better right now. If he's younger, he won't even notice. Try two kids, a boy and a girl in a one bedroom apartment. They never complained not being at the Ritz and we always have a good time together. You're going to have to make some sacrifices until things turn around. But sounds like your ex is being difficult, like many are.
  #10  
Old 07-25-2011, 07:14 PM
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Quote:
She only concedes to give me 2 hours of time for a visit, and insists I do all of the driving,
Why in the world would you give her this much control? Do you have a lawyer? Have you kicked their ass yet to get you into a hearing?

Your CHILD has the right to 50-50 shared time with both parents. By allowing her to dictate your time, you are giving up an obscene amount of control and will be relegated to an every other weekend parent by virtue of your de facto agreement to the existing status quo. (Silence = agreement)

Quote:
I am losing half my visit in the car. My spouse seems to have a hard-on for being artificially difficult. For example, she will only accept certain questions at certain e-mail addresses depending on the subject.
Send everything to ONE email address. Stop playing her games.

Quote:
She will only accept support by direct deposit (no cheques).
Are you talking about email money Xfers or direct deposit from your paycheck? I hope to hell whatever you are giving her is trackable and listed as actual child support. If not, then start giving it to her in a trackable method. Email money xfers work great for this.

Quote:
She insists she has to know everywhere that I go with our son, but she won't tell me anything in return.
NONE of her business. None of yours. If she asks... "we'll be spending quality time together".
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