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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1  
Old 03-18-2009, 09:58 PM
singledad99 singledad99 is offline
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Default Should I give up?

What is the solution if the ex does not show any signs of giving up her useless fight. We have OCL recommendations now on file. They are recommending custody for me and access for her - no change, basically. Ex is so disappointed that she has launched a full scale assault on the OCL worker's integrity. Not surprised at all though, the judge, without even knowing full facts, has expressed serious concerns over the OCL report in a motion completely unrelated to OCL to custody and access. Of course, if the OCL recommends custody to father, the worker must have been biased. Isn't that how it works?

The thing is that I am totally out of money. Can't sell the darn house because that's the only stable place our son has right now. Can't borrow from the credit sources any further. I have no friends or family who can help me. I went to the last court date by myself and basically the judge ignored my whole affidavit and cross examined me just as if he was the opposing party. I can't hire a lawyer because they all require huge retainers.

The ex is totally opposed to mediation. She is like a puppet being controlled by her feminist counsellor and her lawyer. Her lawyer does not even discuss the matters with her and makes decisions without even seeking her client's approval. I found that out when the ex expressed her unawareness of some of the letters that I sent to her letters and some of the letters that came from her lawyer.

The ex is using the access time to manipulate our son. This manipulation often backfires at her which results in me being accused for coaching him. I took him to a therapist for counselling and now they are saying that the therapist is biased too. So everyone who sides with me is biased. Funny thing, judge believes her!!!

There is a lot more. The conclusion I have arrived at is that I can't win in this system. My worst fear is that our son will hate both of us, eventually! So I started thinking why don't I hand him over to her. I don't want our son to see us fighting all the times. This way, he will hate me now but maybe he understands it when he grows up. I thought of offering her joint custody but it is only going to make things worse. We never got along as parents when we were together. Its worse now. If I give her sole custody, chances are she will never let me see him again. In the past she ran away from home two times and disallowed even phone contact with me... Should I really give up???
  #2  
Old 03-19-2009, 12:08 AM
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dadtotheend dadtotheend is offline
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The OCL recommendations are implemented 80% of the time.

Remain driven and focused. Do not lose sight of the best interests.
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:14 AM
SillyMe SillyMe is offline
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Doesn't sound like you should give up to me. Being a father just makes the hill a little steeper. Sucks being alone too, I understand. Don’t be afraid to tell the court the truth; they are biased, everybody knows it. Never for a minute think that your child doesn’t need you or, would do better without you. Remember the court wants to intimidate you, press their will on you, talk endlessly about the money….while there are those that will try and rock the boat needlessly, seemingly endlessly, someone has to stay steady for the child and, it sounds like you are doing a fine job.
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:51 PM
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DO NOT GIVE UP.

You are tired, emotionally drained, broke, but you are at the precipice of sole custody.

YOU HAVE TO PERSERVERE AND SEE THIS THROUGH.

Keep pushing the matter forward towards trial. Implore the judge at every opportunity to get you on the trial listings. She will cave as you get closer. Doing nothing right now only empowers your ex to continue to wear you down.

YOU HAVE TO MOVE THE MATTER CLOSER TO TRIAL, even though you won't be getting there.

Search Kimberley's posts for my similar advice to her. She settled at a case conference and was similarly frustrated.
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Old 03-21-2009, 12:32 AM
singledad99 singledad99 is offline
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It is very tiring, exhausting and emotionally draining.

Ex is going to dispute OCL report. Truth is even though OCL has recommended sole custody to me, they have failed to justify the recommendations in the report. There was a lot of material that was discussed at disclosure meeting that justified the recommendations. It appears as if such stuff was deliberately omitted from the report to make it disputable. The judge has already expressed serious reservations over the report. My gut is that the recommendations will be easily set aside unless the OCL provides more evidence to the court upon which the recommendations were based.

What will be my role in this dispute process? I have nothing left for the lawyers. Without the lawyer, I don't think I can stand any chance to win in the court at all.

If I consent to set aside the OCL report, does it mean there will be a new OCL investigation?

Can I offer the ex to redo the OCL process in exchange for setting aside the current one. At least this will buy me some time to save some money for the lawyer?
  #6  
Old 03-21-2009, 08:23 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by singledad99 View Post
It is very tiring, exhausting and emotionally draining.
Anything worth fighting for usually is.
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Old 03-22-2009, 12:56 AM
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Forget what that judge said.

That judge won't be the trial judge and the OCL has recommended sole custody for you!!!! I'd rather be you than your ex, wouldn't you?

Forget how flawed your ex (and you?!) think the report is. I guarandamntee that she won't ultimately dispute (I think the legal term is "critique") the OCL report.

She is bluffing, even if she doesn't know it yet. If she goes to trial on this and loses (80% chance she loses) she pays all the costs - easily in the tens of thousands of $$$. It's not going that far!!!

The report can only be tested at trial, not in a case/settlement/trial management/exit pre-trial conference or even a motion.

Move it forward! Your ex will cave on the way to trial but only if you show her that you serious and determined to take it that far (even if you are tired).

Or you could give up. Just don't ask the same question later.

Last edited by dadtotheend; 03-22-2009 at 01:11 AM.
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Old 03-22-2009, 07:14 AM
Unlucky7 Unlucky7 is offline
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I say that if you truly believe that your son is better off with you, then fight like hell.

My dad & I don't have a great father/son relationship these days due to the fact that I hardly had any visitation time with him growing up - we just didn't get enough time together to build that. To be honest, I've always resented him a little because he didn't fight harder to be a bigger part of my life, so IMO, giving up because the fight is too hard for you is a copout.

However unintentional, giving up your rights will send a message that he's not worth the fight, & that will hurt him a lot more in the long run than being dragged through a messy divorce ever will.
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