Our Family Wizard

[rockscan]

I Use email only , Its is truly an unfortunate situation but its for the best.
I also get anxiety as soon as I see an email from her. I step away now and just try and relax before I respond. Now I get emails from her Lawyer as I am self representing my self which also adds to it. I have got allot better in regards to responding and I only respond to the ones that are regarding the Children and nothing more.

My partners tablet dings when he gets a new email and he always jumps out of his skin. We have put a moratorium on responding without at least a 12 hour window (unless its an easy response like yes or no or please provide full details etc.) and then deal with it rested and with a clear head.

Remember that her lawyer will try to scare you into making a knee jerk reaction. Our rule of thumb is to draft what he wants to say and then draft what he should say and then cut it down accordingly leaving out emotion and other negative comments.

[neverwhere]

We used OFW in a very high conflict situation and it worked. Being able to see exactly when the other parent read the messages was helpful, and the ability to give access to a 3rd party made a world of difference during our OCL report. All messages were also easily court admissible.

It also made expenses really easy to process and pay.

Did she use the platform to harass and attack? Absolutely. However, she would have done that using email and texting, too. I think it depends on the situation, but our experience was positive.

[tmsrtl]

family wizzard

yes, it is expensive, but a great tool... everything is logged, journal for me to write in notes, you see always when it was sent and opened (or not), when the other logged in to have a chance to see the mails (or being ignored)

I like it! Great tool! No he-said-she-said.

[trinton]

yes, it is expensive, but a great tool... everything is logged, journal for me to write in notes, you see always when it was sent and opened (or not), when the other logged in to have a chance to see the mails (or being ignored)

I like it! Great tool! No he-said-she-said.

I think enough people are taking money away from parents and ultimately children throughout a separation, i.e., lawyers, mediators, arbitrators, counsellor, social workers, etc. We don't need more people taking money from parents and treating seperating parents as customers or an opportunity and source of revenue. There are free alternatives. The money is better put towards the child's tuition money.

Seems lots of parents are abusing ofw as a way to setup the other parent.

The read confirmation of messages is a plus. I'm going to see if the alternatives have that feature.

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[zanman]

[QUOTE][/QUOTEI think enough people are taking money away from parents and ultimately children throughout a separation, i.e., lawyers, mediators, arbitrators, counsellor, social workers, etc. We don't need more people taking money from parents and treating seperating parents as customers or an opportunity and source of revenue]


I could not have said it better Trinton

[mcdreamy]

We use Canada Post. Hopefully no nonsense goes on during their strike episodes. Have, and always will.

[arabian]

mcdreamy that is a good idea. If we all would simply slow down and THINK before we respond... Canada post. What a novel idea! Then people would have to actually spell out words and form sentences.

[Tayken]

Very interesting involveddad75. I don't believe I read anyone else having the same experience although I'm sure there are many.

It is a weird occurrence because the negative inference and allegations the other parent was making on OFW would have been excellent evidence to demonstrate the challenges. OFW is really a contained email and calendar system. The only difference from Google is that it is hard to "destroy" (or impossible) emails and say that you never sent them. Or that you never made that entry... or that someone hacked your account and did it. (Look at WD's use of OFW in the abduction trial.)

It tracks IP addresses and exposes all the underlying patterns to the courts if needed. That is all. If someone is stupid enough to try and use it to "create evidence through conflict" it works in your advantage. You can simply deny an email and say you never sent it, or you never got it, etc... With OFW that is impossible to do as a third party is managing everything and tracking it all at a very detailed level.

You disarm HPC's with OFW because they can't destroy evidence on it. The hope is that HCPs will mind their words because they can't simply be erased like they can on SMS.

It must be very difficult nowadays with all the electronics and texting. We live in an a society that is driven by instant everything. I am thankful that my ex and I never did the text thing.

IM/SMS is the WORST thing parents who are in conflict can ever do. It is too instant. In fact, when conflict is REALLY bad traditional mail for many issues may help improve things. Because people have to sit down, write the nonsense, print it out, put it in an envelope and then get a stamp and finally take it to a mail box. Lots of "thinking time" in that process. Not much "thinking time" in SMS/IM/SMTP.

At the start I insisted on him faxing me hand-written letters and I can tell you that certainly slowed down the venom (and I was then assured the information was coming from him and not his gf).

Also another excellent idea!

I'd highly recommend this process to others. And yes, you can easily do this through use of a simple scanner and I believe you can purchase small ones. Plus you have the added benefit of being able to use the scanner for all sorts of other paper in your lives.

Slowing down the "rate" at which an HCP communicates is key.

It is pretty hard to not reach for that phone and read and respond but that's what you ultimately have to do - stop responding.

Advice of the day award goes to Arabian!

Re-examine your own personal motivations for feeling you need to respond at all. Perhaps some counselling is in order to examine the emotional side of the separation process is in order.

Brains (exposed), bones (broken) or blood. Those are the only three emergencies you really need to consider and if they all require a visit to an emergency room. Everything else is not "urgent" really.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Tayken]

Seems lots of parents are abusing ofw as a way to setup the other parent.

You can only get setup if you are an HCP idiot and respond to nonsense. Judges everywhere always tell parents it would have been better if they didn't respond to a message. Sometimes not responding to something is better than responding.

I am of the STRONG OPINION that less communication is often better. People fight over stupid stuff like haircuts and other nonsense. What OFW does a great job of making sure that people don't delete that stuff.

Also, HCPs hate the platform and make all sorts of bogus excuses (like cost) to not use it.

http://shrink4men.com/2011/04/08/our...person-part-1/

http://shrink4men.com/2011/04/13/our...ter-arguments/

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Ange71727]

It is a weird occurrence because the negative inference and allegations the other parent was making on OFW would have been excellent evidence to demonstrate the challenges. OFW is really a contained email and calendar system. The only difference from Google is that it is hard to "destroy" (or impossible) emails and say that you never sent them. Or that you never made that entry... or that someone hacked your account and did it. (Look at WD's use of OFW in the abduction trial.)



It tracks IP addresses and exposes all the underlying patterns to the courts if needed. That is all. If someone is stupid enough to try and use it to "create evidence through conflict" it works in your advantage. You can simply deny an email and say you never sent it, or you never got it, etc... With OFW that is impossible to do as a third party is managing everything and tracking it all at a very detailed level.



You disarm HPC's with OFW because they can't destroy evidence on it. The hope is that HCPs will mind their words because they can't simply be erased like they can on SMS.







IM/SMS is the WORST thing parents who are in conflict can ever do. It is too instant. In fact, when conflict is REALLY bad traditional mail for many issues may help improve things. Because people have to sit down, write the nonsense, print it out, put it in an envelope and then get a stamp and finally take it to a mail box. Lots of "thinking time" in that process. Not much "thinking time" in SMS/IM/SMTP.







Also another excellent idea!







Slowing down the "rate" at which an HCP communicates is key.







Advice of the day award goes to Arabian!







Brains (exposed), bones (broken) or blood. Those are the only three emergencies you really need to consider and if they all require a visit to an emergency room. Everything else is not "urgent" really.



Good Luck!

Tayken

My ex keeps claiming that he is going to "use" the fact that I am not responding to his constant emails as evidence of my "uncooperativeness". He honestly needs to get a life with how many I receive in a week. Nothing is really that pertinent and I am always sure to respond if it's pertinent kid business. Yesterday I got one about how our daughter had terrible behaviour at his house on the weekend so of course this must be somehow related to me. I don't plan to respond but I'll get another one in 2-3 days saying I'm an awful parent for refusing to answer.


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[rockscan]

Remember that the onus is on your ex to prove his claims in court. Imagine how it will look when he says "shes a bad parent for not responding" and then laying out his 50 emails over seven days. You dont have to respond to everything and you also dont have to listen to his bs. If he sends multiple emails that dont require an immediate response then gather all the responses and send them together. You could also suggest that he limit communication to necessary requests back and forth. Even if you got OFW you will still get the constant emails and still be able to respond accordingly. Nothing stops a high conflict parent in these situations.

[Tayken]

My ex keeps claiming that he is going to "use" the fact that I am not responding to his constant emails as evidence of my "uncooperativeness".

I think it is safe to assume that the other party in your matter is "high conflict". If this is a life-time challenge or a acute occurrence of this pattern of behaviour who knows... But, you should operate on the premise that the other party is "high conflict".

You can ignore it all...

The leading case (in my opinion) on parental communications is:

V.K. v. T. S., 2011 ONSC 4305 (CanLII)
Date: 2011-09-09
Docket: DF 2217/09
Other citations: [2011] CarswellOnt 9144; [2011] OJ No 4046 (QL)
Citation: V.K. v. T. S., 2011 ONSC 4305 (CanLII)
http://canlii.ca/t/fn2r2

Read para. 74-76:

[74] The existence of conflict and strife between the parties from time to time will not necessarily preclude the court from making an Order for joint custody. The question to be determined is whether the conflict between the parties is impacting or likely to impact on the well-being of the children. If the evidence indicates that the parties, despite their conflict with each other, have been able to communicate, shelter the children from the conflict reasonably well, and put the children’s interests ahead of their own when necessary, an order for joint custody may be appropriate.[23] The question for the court to determine is “whether a reasonable measure of communication and cooperation is in place, and is achievable in the future, so that the best interests of the child can be ensured on an ongoing basis.”[24]

[75] Where an objective review of the historical and more recent evidence clearly indicates that there has never been an ability to cooperate or communicate effectively, or that one or both of the parties is/are unable to put the needs of child before their own, joint custody is not an appropriate order.[25] In these circumstances, hoping that communication between the parties will improve once the litigation is over does not provide a sufficient basis for making of order of joint custody.[26]

[76] In analyzing the ability of the parties to communicate, the court must delve below the surface and consider the source of the conflict. The Ontario Court of Appeal has clearly stated that one parent cannot create conflict and problems with the other parent by unreasonable conduct, impeding access, marginalizing the other parent, or by any other means and then claim sole custody on the basis of lack of cooperation and communication.[27]

So if the other parent is going to try to leverage a "lack of cooperation and communication" to "win" their case they are going to have a hard time... Because the court will "delve below the surface and consider the source of the conflict". So, the frequency of contact and non-response as a "statistic" is of no value. The court will want to investigate each email and determine (aka "delve below the service") of each claimed non-communication.

Trust me, after the first 10 silly ones the court will see the pattern of nonsense that the other parent is trying to create.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Ange71727]

I think it is safe to assume that the other party in your matter is "high conflict". If this is a life-time challenge or a acute occurrence of this pattern of behaviour who knows... But, you should operate on the premise that the other party is "high conflict".



You can ignore it all...



The leading case (in my opinion) on parental communications is:



V.K. v. T. S., 2011 ONSC 4305 (CanLII)

Date:2011-09-09

DocketF 2217/09

Other citations:[2011] CarswellOnt 9144; [2011] OJ No 4046 (QL)

Citation:V.K. v. T. S., 2011 ONSC 4305 (CanLII)

http://canlii.ca/t/fn2r2



Read para. 74-76:







So if the other parent is going to try to leverage a "lack of cooperation and communication" to "win" their case they are going to have a hard time... Because the court will "delve below the surface and consider the source of the conflict". So, the frequency of contact and non-response as a "statistic" is of no value. The court will want to investigate each email and determine (aka "delve below the service") of each claimed non-communication.



Trust me, after the first 10 silly ones the court will see the pattern of nonsense that the other parent is trying to create.



Good Luck!

Tayken

Thank you Tayken! This makes me feel somewhat better. It is actually so liberating to look at his long emails and commit myself to answering in 3-4 sentences. I used to defend every point or false claim and it has gotten better (less anxiety) since I stopped doing that. Instead I write myself a document with all the counter arguments/proof/justifications I would want to write back to him and file it in a folder on my computer.


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[rockscan]

My partners ex used to know exactly how to push his buttons so he would argue and she could point out to the kids how he was "abusive". Three months into our relationship I put him on lockdown with the phone calls. Then she would do it by email. It took me about six months to get through to him that he needed to respond in two lines or less. Now he responds with one sentence after drafting everything he wants to say in a document that gets trashed. You will learn to turn on the mute button and walk away. Its a skill that smart divorced people grasp. When your ex stops having an audience he will move on.

[stripes]

If the person you're dealing with uses communications as a weapon theres no program in the world that will help. Stripes has a good rule on responding only when it requires a response. My partners ex likes to pop up and send some bs email demanding an answer right away. Its normally full of passive aggressive crap egging him into saying something she can use against him with the kids. When he needs information from her (following up on something) she refuses to respond. No program in the world will help with that. Well, maybe outlook with that damn follow up flag!

Why waste your money?

Thanks rockscan! My rule actually had three parts. When ex was acting out, I would only reply to email if the answer was "yes" to these questions:

1. Is it polite? (no swearing, no insults)
2. Is it about Kid? (because there is really nothing else to talk about)
3. Does it contain a direct question or request for information that I possess? (see above)

If the answer was "no" to any of these questions, I ignored it. Having a rule helped because I didn't have to think and worry about whether to respond to each individual crazygram - if it didn't meet all three conditions, I ignored it.

I also told ex that I would stop reading any communication from him when I got to the first swear word or insult. If there was something in the message that he wanted me to know or wanted a response to, he would have to re-send the whole email with the rudeness taken out before I would read or respond to it.

Dealing with someone like that is like training a dog - you just don't react to bad behavior and eventually they realize they aren't going to get any "reward" for their efforts and they stop. I managed to "train" ex to communicate semi-politely, although it took a while. (In fairness I should add that he's been a lot easier to deal with in the last six months).