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  • Officially Divorced

    Officially Divorced

    I received my Certificate of Divorce on Friday.

    The marriage was dissolved by a Judgement that became effective one day before what would have been 26 years married, together over 30, 4 years 8 months after separating.

    Feeling mixed emotions. Separating has been good for me on a personal level, as an individual, but tough financially and at times difficult with the kids.
    5 years ago I was asked to think about what would matter to me 5 years from then. Although at the time I couldn't predict how I would feel, I can now say, that most of what upset me then, doesn't matter now.

    Ex. was sending all kinds of crappy e-mails, sometimes phoning, I never answered one e-mail and ended phone conversations by telling him I wasn't discussing the matter with him, he was usually yelling at the time. And no, I don't believe this prolonged the process. Sometimes even his own lawyer told him to be quiet and stop talking because he was making the situation worse.

    Sometimes it is lonely, not 1 former friend has spoken to me since and I am finding it difficult to form new friendships, but I would not go back to that relationship, ever. The relationship was sucking the life out of me. I would not change the fact that we were married, I have 3 of the most incredible kids ever and since separating I have found that I am a pretty good person.

  • #2
    Congratulations!
    I also had mixed emotions, despite knowing it was the best move for myself and my kids. I think it's only natural, no one gets married expecting it to have an expiry date.

    Comment


    • #3
      Agree with OntarioMomma, although support and property are still being dragged through the court process, my divorce was granted in December. While it took a while and I thought I would celebrate...upon reflection it was actually quite sad. I think most would agree.

      Maybe you could sign up for a new activity? Do you go to the gym? I find the gym is the best mood enhancer and you can meet new people as well.

      Comment


      • #4
        Congratulations.

        In some ways my divorce process was more painful than the bad marriage - the bad behaviours multiplied, and there was no filter. So while it was painful, it does feel good to get through to the other side.

        As for friends, there are always new ones, or old ones that had fallen away that can be revived. I found my ex isolated me from some old friends and one of the joys of the process was reacquainting myself with some of these old friends.

        Good luck.

        Comment


        • #5
          Thanks all. No time for "new activity". My new activity is learning. If I'm not at work, I am learning new skills, new job software, working second job or sleeping. Actually I'm finding new job a good mood enhancer. As tired as I am, the new job is a job I have wanted for a long time and I find myself in a good mood at the end of the day.

          Meeting new people is not the challenge, making friendships is. The friends I had during the marriage all but disappeared during the marriage and the friendships near the end of the relationship have completely disappeared.

          Comment


          • #6
            Hang in there, it takes time for friendships to develop out of acquaintances. Find people who share some interests, or maybe play dates (not sure how old your kids are), and eventually lasting friendships will form.

            Comment


            • #7
              congratulations! I know how difficult it is to adjust (30 yrs married). I am fortunate that I maintained a few very good friends. Others whom I have lost contact with I merely file as "acquaintances." It is very hurtful but a dire reality that we lose so-called friends through the divorce process. Time gives a person an opportunity to weigh things out though. I've learned that everyone has their own standard when it comes to measuring friendship. Try not to judge your friends too harshly as they simply do not understand, firsthand, what you have been through. Friends are not counselors. I think a person may expect way too much from friends at times. I personally have had to adjust my expectations of what friends should and should not do from time to time.

              Change is especially difficult for those of us who are older. I am so very grateful for friends who have stood by me in difficult times. I have learned it is possible to make new friends. We just have to adapt to our life changes and try doing things possibly outside of our personal comfort zones. I've found list-making to be helpful. Volunteering is something I know I should do. Giving to others gets me off the self-pity.

              Good luck to you in your new life!

              Comment


              • #8
                Congratulations! I know the conflicting feelings that come with finally having the piece of paper done.

                When I first left the marriage, one wise person told me to think of the next five years as a transition time, from what I was to what I will be. In other words, don't take anything that's happening now as an indicator of what the rest of your life will be like. I'm about halfway through that five-year period now, and I can see the outlines of my "second life" taking place.

                You will find new friends and you'll get out of the financial hole. Unfortunately, it will take longer than you want.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by frustratedwithex View Post
                  Officially Divorced

                  I received my Certificate of Divorce on Friday.

                  The marriage was dissolved by a Judgement that became effective one day before what would have been 26 years married, together over 30, 4 years 8 months after separating.

                  Feeling mixed emotions. Separating has been good for me on a personal level, as an individual, but tough financially and at times difficult with the kids.
                  5 years ago I was asked to think about what would matter to me 5 years from then. Although at the time I couldn't predict how I would feel, I can now say, that most of what upset me then, doesn't matter now.

                  Ex. was sending all kinds of crappy e-mails, sometimes phoning, I never answered one e-mail and ended phone conversations by telling him I wasn't discussing the matter with him, he was usually yelling at the time. And no, I don't believe this prolonged the process. Sometimes even his own lawyer told him to be quiet and stop talking because he was making the situation worse.

                  Sometimes it is lonely, not 1 former friend has spoken to me since and I am finding it difficult to form new friendships, but I would not go back to that relationship, ever. The relationship was sucking the life out of me. I would not change the fact that we were married, I have 3 of the most incredible kids ever and since separating I have found that I am a pretty good person.
                  Fwe, I fee a bit envious...wish I had my divorce decree so that I can feel completely free. I was married for 42 years (still am married but in legal terms only). The process is also very slow, but not as slow as yours (yet, but hopefully not much longer). My stbx also sent out crappy messages, but to other people. I had read a sample and they were full of nasty lies. He also was slandering my character to others to business associates and family. I didn't respond in kind, although it did hurt a lot. Like you, I no longer let his antics upset me any more. I do wish, however, that he would provide his full financial disclosure.

                  I have also also gone through the loss of former friends, although I should call them acquaintances, because I didn't have any friends for a very long time in the marriage. The few friends I had remaining after marriage fell by the wayside, as I so wrongly felt that since he had no friends, I should not have any friends either.

                  Since I left him almost 2 years ago, I decided to let go of those bounds, and be open to forming new friendships. I am biding my time and have found new connections to my family (whom I also neglected, as he was in very little contact with his own). Also, a few old friends are now coming to the fore, and just last week, one of them invited me to visit in California in September, and also take a trip to Hawaii. Needless to say, I'm very much looking forward to this adventure!

                  You are a good person. Don't ever discount yourself. I'm finding my self again after over 4 decades. It's a great discovery! There are some not so great times, but that is life. I can handle those times with much more wisdom and strength now, thank God. I'm more contented, joyful and at peace now than I have ever been in my life.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I am envious too. I truly wish I was divorced.

                    I think its probably pretty normal to have some times when you are happy its over but sorry it ever happened in the first place. I find myself occasionally lamenting the amount of time I wasted with the wrong person but then I remind myself that there were some benefits...like the children. In addition, I wouldn't be as happy as I am today without the perspective that having a long, horrible marriage gave me.

                    If I had left my ex any earlier, I also might not have met my current bf...who is pretty much the best match I could have possibly found for my future life.

                    There's no doubt that divorce leaves some wreckage behind. I knew that was going to happen when I decided to do it. You never get closure....you destroy a lot of things in the process of escaping...some things that you actually liked, you can't have/do anymore. And then, if you have children...you have to still deal with the ex and truthfully, I wish I didn't have to.

                    Personally, I know the friends thing is tough...but why have friends around if they can't stay loyal to you during the rough patches in your life anyway? I used divorce as an opportunity to get rid of some friends and family members that were liabilities rather than assets in my life. And I'm glad I did it. Some people are toxic and are better out of your life. The quality of your life is very much defined by the quality of the company you keep.

                    Overall, even though the process and transition is rough...its all worth it.

                    Congratulations on getting your divorce certificate!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Getting divorced I felt basically nothing. Maybe a slight sense of relief that that part of the journey was over...

                      Getting the actual divorce meant virtually nothing. Living on less than minimum wage because 75% of my income is gone to taxes and spousal support is the ongoing misery that feels like it will never end. I don't mind being divorced, I think it's pretty cool, and like others I really "came back to myself" once it was over, re-prioritized some friendships and got to do some things I never could while I was married.

                      But essentially living out of my backpack for 3 years and doing access with my son at my parents home and my girlfriend's home has been very humbling and made me very grateful for their support. Someday when it's over I really, really want to own a house again so I can feel like I have a home instead of crashing with others all the time.

                      One month left on the court order for spousal support... maybe then I'll feel like I can have a life again...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by frustratedwithex View Post
                        Officially Divorced

                        I received my Certificate of Divorce on Friday.

                        The marriage was dissolved by a Judgement that became effective one day before what would have been 26 years married, together over 30, 4 years 8 months after separating.

                        Feeling mixed emotions. Separating has been good for me on a personal level, as an individual, but tough financially and at times difficult with the kids.
                        5 years ago I was asked to think about what would matter to me 5 years from then. Although at the time I couldn't predict how I would feel, I can now say, that most of what upset me then, doesn't matter now.

                        Ex. was sending all kinds of crappy e-mails, sometimes phoning, I never answered one e-mail and ended phone conversations by telling him I wasn't discussing the matter with him, he was usually yelling at the time. And no, I don't believe this prolonged the process. Sometimes even his own lawyer told him to be quiet and stop talking because he was making the situation worse.

                        Sometimes it is lonely, not 1 former friend has spoken to me since and I am finding it difficult to form new friendships, but I would not go back to that relationship, ever. The relationship was sucking the life out of me. I would not change the fact that we were married, I have 3 of the most incredible kids ever and since separating I have found that I am a pretty good person.
                        Well, congrats!

                        or maybe, 'congrats?'.

                        Double edged sword isn't it? What with the feelings of melancholy and so-forth.

                        But it is what it is, and you can never really look back.

                        One thing I wanted to touch one, is that as we all mature - it IS harder to make friends. After all, we don't go to school and have the social environment that is part and parcel with it.

                        But don't think you can't! Join a club, take a cooking class, sign-up for SOMETHING that will get you out into a social circle of some kind.

                        All of us find it harder as we get older - so on the flip-side, a lot of us are thinking along the same lines and trying to meet people too. The silver lining?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
                          One thing I wanted to touch one, is that as we all mature - it IS harder to make friends. After all, we don't go to school and have the social environment that is part and parcel with it.

                          But don't think you can't! Join a club, take a cooking class, sign-up for SOMETHING that will get you out into a social circle of some kind.

                          All of us find it harder as we get older - so on the flip-side, a lot of us are thinking along the same lines and trying to meet people too. The silver lining?
                          That is so exactly true, and I never really analyzed it that way before. Our social opportunities are much more limited than when we were in school, and the majority of the new people we do meet have busy lives just as we do.

                          Inability to make new friends easily after divorce is not something we should blame solely on ourselves, but also on our circumstances, and it is only noticeable because divorce does frequently come with losses of friendships as well as loss of spouse. Part of what makes it so stressful!

                          Comment

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