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  • #16
    Originally posted by CISTEAD View Post
    I just feel that we have already let them down by not saying or doing enough. And waiting for things to "work out". With all the crap she tells them, I wonder if they even know how much we love them.
    I think that most people on this forum have had to face this problem. We just have to never waiver from keeping the kids out of the problems as much as possible. Even more so because of the ex's lack of boundaries.

    Wondering if they know how much we would like to have more time with them... mom saying things like "oh I wish you lived here with me all of the time... I would make it SO good if you when you are here if you would tell your dad that you want to spend every day here and just visit with him... blah blah blah"

    We take the high road and say nothing about "where" we want them to live and keep repeating how great it is to be able to have 2 homes with parents who love them.

    I always wonder if they think that we don't want them as much as mom does because we don't beg them to live with us. I know its a moot point in a few years. When they are older they will understand the bribery and that mom was putting them in the middle... but right now it is hard not to just defend ourselves against mom's dialogue with them.

    I say don't ask them - I like CISTEAD's response to let them know there will always be a place for them with us.

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    • #17
      Cistead, I know how these conversations go. If she is showing them the texts then there is nothing you can do about her behaviour. Kids don't see texts by accident, and if they do happen to read a little, they can only see one text at a time. How convenient that he was "reading over her should" at that text...So very sad...

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      • #18
        billiechic,funny you say "how convenient".....the last text hubby sent to her when he learned of the accidental viewing, was "how convenient for you".
        And you are all correct. Asking them is so wrong. They are stressed enough. We need to give them reprieve, not more anxiety. I wish we were closer to them in location. So much easier to be a safety net for when they need us.

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        • #19
          i wouldn't worry about the FU text ... .really, unless she can prove that it is habitual for him, they won't want to bother themselves with it....
          A suggestion for his kids, especially if they are having anxiety issues, he should push for councelling for them... he can talk to the same councellor and suggest ahead of time to the councellor to see if the kids are happy where they are.... a good councellor should be able to get through to kids and talk to them without them feeling any added or extra pressure...
          His ex sounds like she is using her kids for support.... SHE NEEDS TO BE SUPPORTING THEM, not the other way around... sad

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          • #20
            You hit the nail on the head rustedinnocence.......she soooooo uses them for support..........and uses them to get back at their father.......it is sad and pathetic on every level. We actually are over it........she just proves our point over and over again. She did in fact tell the OCL about his "abusive text"......of course it backfired......and proved PAS yet again.
            Not that at this point we have any hope of anything, due to the kids age and co-dependent issues created in them, they would never say a word against her.As far as councelling goes....they are being investigated very thoroughly right now with the OCL........hopefully that helps.........

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            • #21
              How old are the kids? You mentioned truancy issues with the oldest. If he is old enough to skip school, he may be old enough to choose where to live.

              But as others have said, don't put the kids into that position. Let the OCL do that for you. Let third parties do your battles for you when ever you can. It is far easier for a judge to side with the third party then it is to listen to you, even when what you are saying is exactly the same as the third party.

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              • #22
                MY thoughts exactly rwm. And they are 15 and 12 btw.

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                • #23
                  HAPPY UPDATE.....
                  This weekend the oldest (15) asked if he could come and live with us......I can tell you we deep down always knew this day would come......however, due to insecurity and some heavy PAS, we sometimes thought they would be lost to us forever.....
                  Apparently what you have all been telling me is true......They do actually start to see for themselves. But how painful for them......poor kids.
                  This is by no means the end of the story. We know he most likely will change his mind, due to guilt etc.......
                  We told him to think about all his options, the pros and cons, and to try not to worry about anyone else's feelings on the matter, to just consider what is best for him.
                  Then told him that he needs to start being 100% open and honest with the OCL lawyer, and that he would help him figure out what is best, and try to help him, and that maybe would take some of the pressure of making the decision off of him.
                  I just wanted to share this.

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                  • #24
                    well CONGRATS.... I'm sooooo very happy for you!!!
                    You must feel a huge weight lifted.

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                    • #25
                      Yes, and even though I am well past the happy ending feeling, it feels great to know he would consider it at all. We must be doing something right.
                      I have hope for them now. You can't give up hope. And you have to stay the course, and take the road you feel is right. Even when its the long hard one.
                      Thanks rusted......

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                      • #26
                        That's great news. You might consider getting him some counselling to help him learn to deal with his feelings and how to handle any pending guilt trips. Just a thought.

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