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Interesting question..common law and child support while living with me.

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  • Interesting question..common law and child support while living with me.

    So long story short, me and my ex-common law are separating. The previous week, she had basically called the police on me for assault. The police came and they interviewed both of us.

    At the end of this, they basically just said one of us has to leave and since it is my house they can't legally ask me to go. So I left anyways as we have an 11 month child together. At the advice of my lawyer, I am not to go back there in the case that if we are together alone, she could "knock herself" and then call the police so then I would really be screwed.

    So now here we are a week into it and she's been constantly asking me when am I coming home. To which I say no. Since it is my house, my lawyer said I can evict her anytime under Alberta's rules as the title is under my name and she has never contributed to any of the bills.

    I am letting her live in the house till the end of the month till she finds a place. I want to take my son but she is going to be unstable so I would rather not jeopardize anything till she is out at the end of this month. BTW I am wanting equal shared parenting and she wants him 100% with her.

    I haven't talked to my lawyer yet, but now she says she deserves child support payments because I am no longer in the house. Does this sound completely out of whack? She is living in my house, with my son, i buy all his diapers, food etc. I just dropped it off a few days ago.

    Tell me if she actually has something to stand on or not?

  • #2
    I'm assuming she is living free in your house?

    Tell her that if she pays you rent for that month, then you'll pay her CS for that month ... minus whatever you've already contributed to diapers and food.

    Otherwise, CS starts when she moves out, and will be calculated using offset method, because of course you will be following a 50-50 parenting schedule.

    It's called 'occupational rent' ... and it's just as real as CS.

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm assuming she is living free in your house?

      Tell her that if she pays you rent for that month, then you'll pay her CS for that month ... minus whatever you've already contributed to diapers and food.
      It's called 'occupational rent' ... and it's just as real as CS.

      Otherwise, CS starts when she moves out, and will be calculated using offset method, because of course you will be following a 50-50 parenting schedule. Hopefully you are making moves towards setting up this sort of schedule -- even if she is refusing, it is important to show that you have been making an effort to get there.

      Comment


      • #4
        That is correct, she is living free in the house. Yeah, good to know about the occupational rent thing.

        Yes, I am. when you say making the moves toward that? what do you mean? I had setup mediation but she cancelled it and I've taken the parenting after seperation. As well I'm preparing an affidavit that shows I am already involved in his life since day one, i change his diapers, feed him, bathe him, the whole nine yards as well. She started working about a month ago and works alot of shifts from 5-2 am as a restaurant manager. Her arguement is that she needs to breastfeed and he is too young to have any overnights.

        Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
        I'm assuming she is living free in your house?

        Tell her that if she pays you rent for that month, then you'll pay her CS for that month ... minus whatever you've already contributed to diapers and food.
        It's called 'occupational rent' ... and it's just as real as CS.

        Otherwise, CS starts when she moves out, and will be calculated using offset method, because of course you will be following a 50-50 parenting schedule. Hopefully you are making moves towards setting up this sort of schedule -- even if she is refusing, it is important to show that you have been making an effort to get there.

        Comment


        • #5
          I cannot tell from your posts whether you have access to your son or not. If not, or if access is very restricted, make it very clear, using some traceable medium (e.g. email) that you are concerned that your child is missing contact with his father, and that you do not consent to such limited parenting time. Email to her a few options for how to split your time, something that you feel is realistic given your work schedules and living arrangements. FYI after 12 mo, she can no longer rely on the breastfeeding argument (tho probably whe will try), so start suggesting overnights right away. Whatever you do, don't start believing the bull that she is somehow the primary parent who NATURALLY should have the lion's share of time with your child.

          You can be 90% certain that she will try to keep you away for as long as possible so that it builds up a pattern (called status quo) of you not being involved. Also, even without any CS, she has a pretty good deal going, so she doesn't have much incentive to move out of your house.

          I pray that your ex is just someone who needs a bit of educating in the new reality of your parenting roles ...it is going to be a big adjustment for her to be apart from her baby for 2-3 days at a time (as YOU certainly appreciate by now - you must be going crazy with it).

          Comment


          • #6
            Oops, sorry let me clarify. The police left without charging me as they did not think there was an assault that took place.

            The following day she threatened to charge me and put in a restraining order. At that point, I just stayed away. The next day she then texted me to come and babysit my son and her daughter (who she also said I assaulted her). At which point I said no, and she said I will never see my son again and it will restricted access.

            So legally, there is nothing in place that says I cannot have access to him. At the advice of my lawyer, I should not be anywhere near her. I have said, I will take him to my family's house and she has said nope he cannot leave...do I have a right to take him? Obviously I should document this too correct?

            Essentially, I am letting her stay at my place till she finds something at the end of this month. She also has 2 daughters (12 and 13) who she brought over the Christmas holiday to visit for 2 weeks. Fast forward now, she decided to keep them here and tell me they are staying. *this is without the consent of the grandparents who have had them for the past 7 years*.

            However, I am asking for shared parenting. I have been with him since day 1 and as my lawyer said, you are not asking for any change you want equal time just as you currently have.
            Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. That's what she tells me. "No judge would keep a mother and her breastfeeding away from her baby at night" even though she is away from home for about 8 hours and I take care of him full time. I've actually documented and videotaped him eating solids etc. and all that good stuff to prove she is basically using it as a way to prevent access. The crazy part about her is that if she doesn't get what she wants that is what she does, threatens to keep him away from me but then texts me that she wants me to come back to her. You call the cops on me and you expect me to want to be with you??? The only thing that pains me is my son having to witness all this hence I want this to be over and be able to move on to a healthy relationship with my son.

            Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
            I cannot tell from your posts whether you have access to your son or not. If not, or if access is very restricted, make it very clear, using some traceable medium (e.g. email) that you are concerned that your child is missing contact with his father, and that you do not consent to such limited parenting time. Email to her a few options for how to split your time, something that you feel is realistic given your work schedules and living arrangements. FYI after 12 mo, she can no longer rely on the breastfeeding argument (tho probably whe will try), so start suggesting overnights right away. Whatever you do, don't start believing the bull that she is somehow the primary parent who NATURALLY should have the lion's share of time with your child.

            You can be 90% certain that she will try to keep you away for as long as possible so that it builds up a pattern (called status quo) of you not being involved. Also, even without any CS, she has a pretty good deal going, so she doesn't have much incentive to move out of your house.

            I pray that your ex is just someone who needs a bit of educating in the new reality of your parenting roles ...it is going to be a big adjustment for her to be apart from her baby for 2-3 days at a time (as YOU certainly appreciate by now - you must be going crazy with it).

            Comment


            • #7
              That's a tough situation. So who takes care of the baby when she's working the 5 - 2am shifts? Definitely follow your lawyer's advice about not having any direct contact. That could turn a bad situation into a much worse one. It is commendable that you are taking all the necessary steps in order to get equal time with your baby. Good Luck and remain calm even though you are in a tough spot. Definitely make sure your communications are verifiable - email is best. Polite and to the point, with a clear focal point re: your child.

              Comment


              • #8
                With all that's going on: No.. You cannot just "take him" - Stay away from her right now. From all you have said, you cannot trust her at all. Just listen to your lawyer.

                Comment


                • #9
                  OK then. She's JUST GETTING STARTED. Just so you know what you are in for..

                  You will need to find a way to be absolutely beyond blame in all you do, unprovokable, have the patience of 100 men, self assurance to see past her crap (and her lawyer's crap) and believe in your value as a father, super-polite and respectful; in ALL you do you must ensure that you can explain it as an action towards the best interest of your child, refrain from criticizing or in any way 'attacking' your ex's choices/behaviour, no blaming... while at the same time INSISTING that you will be involved in your child's life.

                  Keep detailed records of all communications and events. When it does come in front of a judge, the better organized party has a huge advantage.

                  You will have to be a SAINT to see this through. Ready?

                  Also, please be aware that you can EASILY spend over $20K (or even $50k) on your lawyer. Educate yourself as much as possible on family law. Start reading cases on www.canlii.org (search for keywords such as status quuo, restraining order, false accusations, breastfeeding, occupational rent). And make sure that every exchange between lawyers is something that moves you forward - lawyers are very good at sending letters ad nauseum. Get a court date and push towards it (this keeps the pressure on your ex to negotiate in the mean time)
                  Last edited by dinkyface; 01-23-2012, 01:01 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Well previously to this whole blowout. I was the one taking care of him from 5-2.

                    To all that replied, thank you for the advice and support!

                    would it look bad if i had her evicted? Could I say he stays with me? My lawyer basically said that's our first step is to get her out of the house and then go for an interim shared parenting order. I have a pitbull of a lawyer. His attitude is that just i would prove to the judge she is an unfit mother, she would need to do the same with me.


                    Originally posted by hadenough View Post
                    That's a tough situation. So who takes care of the baby when she's working the 5 - 2am shifts? Definitely follow your lawyer's advice about not having any direct contact. That could turn a bad situation into a much worse one. It is commendable that you are taking all the necessary steps in order to get equal time with your baby. Good Luck and remain calm even though you are in a tough spot. Definitely make sure your communications are verifiable - email is best. Polite and to the point, with a clear focal point re: your child.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Chris2008 View Post
                      I have a pitbull of a lawyer. His attitude is that just i would prove to the judge she is an unfit mother, she would need to do the same with me.
                      She will try to do this to you ... but you MUST NOT ATTEMPT THIS. Unless there is a whole lot more to the story i.e. running a crackhouse, brothel in your house, DUI convictions, proven physical assaults on your son. There needs to be failry extreme proven physical harm being done for you to even consider this.

                      Your lawyer wants you to believe he is a pitbull so that you will keep giving him money, hence feeding you this line...

                      Or maybe he was just making a point that the only way she can keep you out is to prove you an unfit father? Unfortunately... that is not correct. She can easily delay proceedings for over a year, while allowing you only a few hours a week of access (been there).... and then at the end of a year or two, you will be so desparate for more access time that you will give up and settle for much less than you should.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        How would she do that? Delay proceedings. I mean technically aren't automatically assumed shared parenting from the get go?

                        So what happened with you in the end? Did you get shared parenting? and what was your timeline of events after court started? delays and all?
                        Originally posted by dinkyface View Post

                        Your lawyer wants you to believe he is a pitbull so that you will keep giving him money, hence feeding you this line...

                        Or maybe he was just making a point that the only way she can keep you out is to prove you an unfit father? Unfortunately... that is not correct. She can easily delay proceedings for over a year, while allowing you only a few hours a week of access (been there).... and then at the end of a year or two, you will be so desparate for more access time that you will give up and settle for much less than you should.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          "No judge would keep a mother and her breastfeeding away from her baby at night"
                          Unfortunately, this will only hold up until the child is a year old. Haven't heard of a judge agreeing to that past the 12 month mark myself. Limited benefit, should be on solids by this time/etc. By the time you get to court the kid will be over a year and that will be a moot point.

                          running a crackhouse, brothel in your house, DUI convictions, proven physical assaults on your son.
                          The first two only count if you can both prove it, AND prove the child is being actively put into the middle. (ie. he's running a concession stand for the line up outside his mother's door or something).

                          You made a BIG misstep by leaving and staying away from the home. The first rule in family law is you NEVER leave without a signed court order. You put yourself at a severe disadvantage from the get go. (Essentially you are making HER the de facto primary caregiver)

                          Go buy yourself a PVR (personal voice recorder)...read

                          THE LIST

                          and get thee behind back into the damn house.

                          In the interim, start separating yourself financially if you haven't already. Is the cable and phone in your name? Cancel them. Buy a prepaid cell phone and use that.

                          Is she on your car insurance? OFF she goes. Are there any pre-auth debits from your account for her bills? Stop them or change the account info with the bank. Change insurance carrier's if necessary as most will NOT let you remove her without her signature.

                          Do you have joint accounts? Freeze them. Joint credit cards? Ditto. (If they carry a balance you WON'T be able to cancel them, but a quick phone call to the institution they are through will make it so they can't be utilized anymore).

                          Do you normally do the cooking? The laundry? Only buy (and cook) things YOU like, her hating them is a bonus. Only do YOUR laundry and your son's....her and her daughter's are HER issue.

                          Control your lawyer, attacking the mother is useless and won't serve anyone. (except the lawyer's bank account).

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Get back in the house!!

                            a. it is your house, you are legally entitled to be there.

                            b. by leaving the child with your ex you are effectively telling the world that your ex is the primary caregiver to your kid.

                            NBDad gave you the link to The List. Read it, and do it.

                            Get back into the house and be a parent to your child. Buy a digital voice recorder and have it on at all times in the house and/or in your stbx's presense. Set yourself up in a separate room in your house, move your computer there so it is secure and you can DL the voice recordings each night. It will also be your place you can retreat to should you ex because aggressive or aggitated.

                            If you want to be more then a visitor in your kids life and get set up with the every-other-weekend-daddy-screwjob you need to show that you are involved in raising the child. Be superdad. If your ex tries to start drama, simply state that you don't want to discuss such matters at the moment or that you do not like her hostile approach, and then simply disengage. Walk away, go to your room do no engage her in any way shape or form. She has already call the cops once, so she isn't against make such claims.

                            This is now a business deal between you and your ex. Treat it like one. Communicate via email primarily and in a business like tone (as if you were emailing or speaking to the judge themselves). Do not respond to anything accusatory or hostile. She will probably claim you are satan and, to be honest, in her mind you are. And there is nothing you can say or do that will change her mind. So don't waste your energy bothering. Stick to matters related to the child and let the lawyers deal with the money/house side.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I also agree with NBDad, trying to prove she is unfit is useless. She'd have to be a crackwhore pulling tricks infront of the child with a beer in one hand and a needle in the other for her to lose custody with the position you are going to put yourself in. Plus, it is SUPER expensive and combative.

                              What is FAR MORE effective is being a dad. Being there for your kid. Journalling all of your involvment from getting the kid up in the morning for day care, feeding, changing diapers, putting to sleep, bathing etc. If you can show the judge (via your journal) that you've been involved as much as possible you are substantially more likely to get a favourable result, instead of trying to sling as much mud as possible, making you look just like the last jaded, aggressive ex that walked through the judges court house and are likely to be treated accordingly.

                              With regards to protecting yourself, well that is easy. A - the digital voice recorder, B - not engaging your ex in any manner (just be patient) and C - have a witness around as much as possible.

                              Put a lock on a room on the house, move your stuff in there and that is where you live. Be an involved father and let your ex do her thing. She cannot control what you do with the child. Should she leave the house, GREAT. Should she leave the house with the child, you file a motion in court to have the child returned to their familiar residence. She can move where she wants.....but the child needs to stay put until a custody agreement is in place.

                              Use your head and keep your cool. You will find it to be a much cheaper and more effective way of being a parent and in your kids best interests.

                              Comment

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