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[arabian]

Baffled_Dad - that is indeed very sad. Hopefully someday in the future your kids will wake up with their own perspective and think "wow Dad was pretty amazing." I think it sometimes takes until they are adults with children themselves to truly appreciate what they received as children. I know the sacrifices (time and money) my parents gave seeped in when I was a young mother.

You don't know what dynamics are at play with your ex and the children. Your kids may want to contact you but do not because they feel they have to take your ex's side or for fear that they will make your ex unhappy. If she's a drama queen this isn't too hard to imagine.

Don't measure things based on Christmas and birthdays. There is way too much hype involved in these "Hallmark" days. Perhaps you have to focus more on some other say B-list days and make those your special times of the year and start your own new traditions. By doing this it might take the pressure off of you and your kids.

[Baffled_Dad]

Baffled_Dad - that is indeed very sad. Hopefully someday in the future your kids will wake up with their own perspective and think "wow Dad was pretty amazing." I think it sometimes takes until they are adults with children themselves to truly appreciate what they received as children. I know the sacrifices (time and money) my parents gave seeped in when I was a young mother.

You don't know what dynamics are at play with your ex and the children. Your kids may want to contact you but do not because they feel they have to take your ex's side or for fear that they will make your ex unhappy. If she's a drama queen this isn't too hard to imagine.

Don't measure things based on Christmas and birthdays. There is way too much hype involved in these "Hallmark" days. Perhaps you have to focus more on some other say B-list days and make those your special times of the year and start your own new traditions. By doing this it might take the pressure off of you and your kids.

I'm sure sooner or later they will figure it all out. I do know the dynamics of what they are up against. I loved it! Lol! She I stills feelings of fear, guilt, and threats that they take the abuse to appease her. When we're alone we get along great with no issues. I don't measure the holidays as something important. It is what it is. Although they are times you would like to spend with your kids and just be normal and enjoy those times. I've tried to start my own traditions with Sunday morning breakfasts. My door was always open. I had to change the locks when they started taking things out of my home with out asking and going into my personal space to take things. I don't even trust my own kids.
The youngest felt threatened to come over at times because of the way she made him feel. Threatened to take away his phone, driving privileges, and gym membership. She has them on a string. I just offered back in February ( last time we spoke) to take him to Florida for vacation this past month. He just stopped all contact with me. The oldest has almost been a year. I also haven't seen my almost two year old grand daughter. His situation was all manipulation by the ex over lies in which he knows but in between he's said some pretty nasty hurtful things that now he won't face me after threatening me not to show up to his daughters birthday. More to that. They are so brainwashed and are made to choose sides rather than be encouraged to spend time with me. I've never did them wrong. I worked hard to give them a good life. I never missed out on anything when it came to them. They know that. I know it's the negativity from the divorce. They are adults now and hopefully they will come to their senses.

[rockscan]

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Baffleddad, from my personal experience, it is very hard to live through the minefield of brainwashing. I was a hard core case who believed EVERYTHING my mother said. Looking back, I realize just how awful the threats were. She was a horrible parent. What woke me up was when she tried to control my personal life and I slipped into depression. Therapy helped me see the roles both my parents played and the responsibilities they had. I dont speak to my mother now. On the other hand, my brother felt very responsible for my mother. He still does. He believes her lies and thinks she only acts that way because shes old and that its ok. Funny thing, she railroaded him when he got married and his wife put her foot down. He still believes her lies but he also doesnt let them tie him down. Your kids may or may not get there. You may never have that loving relationship that you used to have. Or you may be surprised. I try very hard with my father but the real issues for the divorce included his self centered behaviour and refusal to take responsibility. This is the only barrier to a proper father daughter relationship for us and he will probably never get. Take pleasure in knowing your kids got to do things they enjoyed because of you. Or that they had things in their life because of you. Or that you continue to provide them with unconditional love and support. Having boundaries on acceptable behaviour is healthy. One day they may wise up but if they dont, you WERE a good parent to them and you deserved more.