parent/significant other access question

[nowwhat]

Hi everyone. This is my first post to this site though I've been reading for the past few months. I added my situation to another post but think that perhaps a new post is needed.

Here is my situation. Ex and I separated last autumn with him moving out into his newly bought house Jan 8. His gf move in that week. (So about 9 weeks ago)
We have a three year daughter and have 50/50 access on a 2/2/3 schedule with pick up/drop off at daycare. He has just asked if he could add his gf to the pick/drop off list at the daycare.
I presently only know her first name and that she sells real estate. I stated to him that I would like to know more about his gf, maybe meet her, learn her last name before I would feel comfortable having her on the list.
I understand that giving her access will allow ex to work longer hours at work and not have to rush to daycare. The flipside of course is that he may just work long hours and have his gf babysit his daughter.

Do I have any legal grounds to deny her from picking up my daughter or am i just being b1tchy about it? If this woman is going to stay around then I want everything to work out, but right now I feel like I know little about her and their relationship is new.
Should I ask to meet her or just ask for a last name and a picture?

Looking forward to your replies. Friends and family have differing opinions about all this and I just want to do what is right and safe for my three year old. I just want to make sure that due diligance is done and that I am looking out for the best interests of my child.

[Foredeck]

It's my personal opinion that you should try to accept her, for your daughter.

My ex moved in with somebody right after we broke up. And, I'll admit that it was hard, it still is. And, to be honest, it has changed my opinion of my ex. It is basically impossible for us to reconcile partly due to this.

However, we have a daughter together, and we have to get along. If the new girlfriend is a good babysitter and a good influence on your daughter, just be happy. It could be a lot worse, he could have started dating a drugged up prostitute.

I would ask to meet her, and get to know her. If things progress between her and your ex, she will be involved in the upbringing of your daughter. And, you'll have to share information and your life with her. Might as well start on the right foot. No need to be best friend, but it would be nice to be amicable.

[nowwhat]

Thanks for your opinion foredeck. I have reached out and said that I would to know this person a little more before I give approval. This was a week ago and my Ex and I have spoken about other things but this issue has not resurfaced. Should I wait for him to bring it up again or should I mention something?

[Mess]

Just reposting my answer in the other thread...

Been there. My ex started dating, introduced the new friend to the kids, new friend got all attached to the kids (kids were indifferent, really). Then they broke up, after about a 6 month on again/off again relationship.

I got texts from the "new ex" for 2 weeks about how much they missed the kids, how terrible it was to not be with them any more, blah blah. I was totally glad I hadn't had to agree to any p/u permissions, and was a bit worried about stalker issues.

Now the two of them are back together, and they are being a bit more responsible about the whole thing. I had a long talk with my ex about it.

Here is the scenario: The GF picks up the kids at daycare, they have a car accident, the police call you because they can't get ahold of the father, you have no idea who this person is or their last name or where they live or their phone number, aren't you going to feel like an idiot talking to the police?

You would not leave the child with a daycare unless you had full contact info for the daycare, phone numbers etc for emergencies. The GF, even if just for an hour, is a "daycare". You need her name and number. You wouldn't be out of line to request a police check, although really that would just be picking a fight at this point.. (I had to do a police check to volunteer at my child's school and at the YMCA children's programs.)

Anyway, full name, cell number, place of employment and work number are the absolute minimum. I'd also add the make and licence # of the car if it's not your ex's car. This isn't paranoia, and it isn't even fear of abduction, there can be a car accident at any time. You need the info, period.

Stress to your ex the possibility that the daycare calls you when the kid is sick, you have to pick up in middle of the day, how do you get in touch with the GF?

You also need to make it absolutely clear to the daycare/school that permission to p/u requires BOTH your ex's and your approval. Make it clear to your ex that these rules will work for him too, if you ever start a new relationship. The daycare has to understand that if you call about recinding permission, then they don't give the child to anyone. This should be the daycare policy anyway, but you make sure that all the staff there have it fresh in their minds.

[wretchedotis]

You are being b1tchy.

I know its a hard pill to swallow, I've had to do it myself. There's no need for you to meet the person. If its your ex's time, he is responsable. Whomever he sends is an emmisary for him, and is expected to behave with the same care and consideration as he himself would be. Really, you haven't much say in the matter. Mess has a point, info would be good should the worst happen - but your 'approval' is not required.

Consider when you start introducing a new someone into your kids life and your ex asks you for a criminal record check, credit check, and Driver's License abstract of this new person. Would you comply?

Will you need to personally OK every single person that comes into contact with your kids through your ex for the next 20 years?

Obviously, I've over exxagerated, but I think you get the point.

[blinkandimgone]

I don't think you are being bitchy at all, I think you are being concerned and protective and it's normal for you to feel this way.

You trusted the man enough to have a child with him and trust him to take care of your child when she is with him. Unless you have reasons to believe otherwise, trust that he would never intentionally put your child in harm's way.

I would certainly recommend that you know more information like her full name and how to get in touch with her if needed. I think it's a good idea for you to meet her so there is a general understanding of 'we're all comfortable with this arrangement and all on the same page for the best interest of the child'. I would say the background check and police records check is a bit much and only pursue that avenue if you would be ok with the shoe being on the other foot and either you or your new partner being subject to the same.

I would approach it the same way I would when my child goes to spend time at a friend's place: I need to be somewhat aquainted with at least one of the parents, know what the plans are and who will be responsible for the kids and exchange contact information should we need to get ahold of each other.

[billiechic]

I don't think she is. She's being cautious and concerned and is bringin up the issue here before deciding. That also makes her responsible. Fact is, I would be concerned in her situation and would ask all of you as well

Personally I think that your concerns are valid. If you and your ex can actually discuss this then I think he will understand too. Hopefully he has real reasons to entrust your child to this person and will explain them to you. If it was you with a new friend, he would probably feel the same.

Legally, you have no say in who picks up your child on his time, but morally you should. I hope you can work this out smoothly.

[Mess]

wretched, I think blink's comparison about your child going to a friend's house is apt.

Let's say another parent at school offers to pick up and drop off your child. Don't you want that parent's name? Cell number? Don't you want to know something about them?

I think a lot of it is in the approach. There's a big difference between an angry "Who is this person!??!!" and a friendly "Hey, why don't we all get together one night after school and get aquainted, then I can put a face to this name!"

[dadtotheend]

You're not being bitchy but on the other hand you and your ex are separated, and you have to trust him that he will do the right thing in delegating the very important job of caring for your child.

Of course you should get the full contact info, but you shouldn't get to approve or reject her. That should be at your ex's discretion, just as someone you designate, be it BF or other is at your discretion.

[wretchedotis]

There is an absolute validity to her feelings.
I've personally experienced them and can relate.
But truly, you have to trust your ex is doing whats best.
Should it be a mistake, its the ex's mistake to earn in making whatever arrangement that was made.

Of course, this does not apply if safety is at issue.

[jennw]

You are not being bitchy at all.

Safety is the issue here and you don't just let 'anyone' pick her up so I don't see why you would let the girlfriend pick her up without first meeting her.

I'd put it out there to her myself...and if she responds and YOU get a good feel for her, get all her contact info, etc..then great.

If not..sorry, the responsibility falls on the Father for his pick up days.

[wretchedotis]

Mom's level of "comfort" does not constitue any issue with safety whatsoever.

[nowwhat]

Thanks everyone for your input. The 'approval' concept is because my daughter is getting picked up at a city of ottawa daycare and they require approval by both parents if someone else is going to be added it the pick up list. Once the name is approved only one parents needs to call to say that the other is picking up the child.
If the relationship works, great. I would prefer him with a gf/wife, then alone, while taking care of my daughter. I just have no contact info, last name, etc. To me it just seems irresponsible. I would want him to ask the same of me when I propose to add my bf to the list.

I'm sad of course that he may be thinking that the gf could now do pick up and drop off all the time while he works 12 hour days or is out of the country for whatever length of time. My wish for 50/50 access was that he spend time with his child, not put her in the care of a sitter for days at a time. I guess perhaps I was uninformed about access/care. And this goes both ways. What some of you are saying is that I could actually go work in the States for any length of time(days, weeks, months), and unknowing to my ex, have my bf(with no last name, address, etc) take care of my child. We have a 'first refusal clause' in our sep agreement, but by the sounds of it here, that doesn't really hold any weight. Is that really true legally?

[nowwhat]

Double post.......

[nowwhat]

I guess I should just be happy that the gf seems good, and hope that my bf is a good man. I had just originally thought that both parents had more rights than they do and that more due diligence was required legally.